What do you do when it gets bad?

I am not doing well tonight.

So, what do you do when it gets bad?

I think it is more noticeable as I had a better day on Tuesday.

Also today things have changed quite quickly, back and forth, more than once.

Reality keeps on breaking through, he is not here and will not be coming back, no matter how much I wish and pray for him to be with me.

7 Likes

It really is back and forth, feel bad, feel a bit better, bad, a bit better.
I have not experienced these sudden changes over and over again.

2 Likes

I’m so sorry, it’s very hard. At the time, the bad days are so bleak and life really seems unbearably pointless. But I’m learning that these days do pass, and amazingly it’s possible to even have positive feelings, if only fleeting.

I suppose the key is to try to focus on the knowledge that the bad periods will not last forever.

Sue xx

4 Likes

Thank you x

1 Like

Hello @RoseGarden when it gets bad I try to distract myself it’s the only way I can keep out of the horrible whirlpool of panic regret fear anxiety I feel pulled in to at times when images come uninvited to mind and something g randomly reminds me they are gone or the I should have and if only starts up no matter the time I have to read read read to save myself from falling in I don’t know if it’s avoidance though A clinical psychologist told me once not to ‘push down’ my grief because it will come back to bite me but how can I let myself be swept away in the worst of the emotions? I couldn’t function
I don’t know

2 Likes

Made me cry to read your original post. I know, it’s really, really tough. Everything we try to do and the ways we keep going every day and nothing works. I’ve just been for a walk in the woods and around the lake, it’s a beautiful evening and I chatted with a couple who knew Steve and I smiled and appeared to be on top of things. It is so sad.

4 Likes

I’ve been wondering that too, when they say not to suppress your emotions or to sit with them while they flow over you. If I don’t distract myself I don’t function and sitting with the emotions spirals me into the darkest of thoughts, which probably isn’t good either. :thinking:

4 Likes

Distraction and more distraction. Preferably something that keeps the brain preoccupied. Or I walk until I’m so tired I can’t think. But I know, sometimes nothing works and reality becomes inescapable. Sending hugs. :heart:

3 Likes

It’s a dilemma
I guess the only way we find out if we are doing the ‘right’ thing is with time…good to know you’ve thought about that too makes me feel less alone

4 Likes

I am trying to distract myself. It works for a while and then the feelings and thoughts worm their way back in. I will just keep on trying to distract myself I suppose.

I have been wondering how much I should distract myself and how much grief, anxiety, etc I should experience. It is an unknown really isn’t it?

You can’t feel the negative emotions all the time or really really long periods as that can’t be good for us can it?

These past few days of nice weather have been good and bad for me.

Before my husband died, sunny weather usually made me feel much happier.
On Tuesday it was good to be out in the sun with two friends.
Company and sun were positives.

However, the sun made me think about how we had been waiting for the better weather and had talked about what we would do when it arrived. So I have been thinking about what we,and particularly he, have been missing.

Also on Tuesday, my friends and I went to a place that my husband and I would visit in good weather. So again, I have been thinking about what we would have been doing. He would’ve loved being there in the sun… It is just so unfair…

Another reason I am struggling is that the contact with other people is dwindling.
It is only just over 9 weeks since my lovely husband died. How can anyone think that in that short time, I am well on my way to coming to terms with life without my partner of nearly 50 years???
The answer is they aren’t thinking about that are they? That hurts.

Thank you for reading this.

Sadly, I know you will identify with this.

Love and hugs to all of you :heart::heart: xx

5 Likes

Morning Rose
I actually slept last night after crying myself to sleep and didnt see these posts until this morning. I’m sorty you’re feeling so low, you had started to sound more positive.
Im.the same, I’ve had a few good days but the evenings and nights seem to be getting worse.
What do we do, are distractions the way? I really don’t know, but its the only thing that helps me at the moment so I’ll keep trying to distract myself.
I do try to face up to everything but it hurts so much, distractions seem the better alternative.
I’ll make the most of this sunny weather because then I can be outside and not cooped up indoors, thinking, and crying and missing him so much. I’m 11 weeks on now and I’m told that that is nothing out of 42 years and to go with the grief. But thats so hard, there seems to be no end to it.

I hope you have a better day today Rose
Love and hugs
Liz x

1 Like

Hello Liz,

I think these fluctuations are something we sadly are going to experience for a while.

There were some better bits yesterday but I haven’t had so many ups and downs in one day before or such quick changes.

It is sunny here and I plan to get out in the sun.
May just be gardening I have tomato seedlings to repot.
Perhaps, I may go somewhere near to home.

I’m glad you had a nice lunch with friends.
Company does make a difference.
That was something positive yesterday, talking to people.

It will be 10 weeks on Sunday. As you have written such a short time but as I think you will agree about your 11 weeks, the worse weeks of our lives.

I only managed a few lines in my journal last night as I was so tired.
So, I will finish that and add about today. Hopefully, with something positive!

Wishing you the best day you can have today.

Love,

Rose x

Yes it was a beautiful evening and your walk sounds idyllic.
I get what you have written about appearing to be on top of things
and understand what was going on in your head and heart.

You, me @Liro and so many others are battling this together.

This morning I say we should give ourselves credit for actually doing things to try
to get through this.

Take care, big hugs,

love Rose x

Yes, it is a dilemma.

For each of us there will be a different length of time of grief.

There is no equation of

x amount of grief plus y amount of distraction
equals ‘going forward’ or ‘learning to live with grief’.

Big hugs,

Rose x

Thank you.

Sharing this and knowing I’m not alone plus talking to people like yourself who understand really does help.

Big hugs Rose x

2 Likes

Yes I seem to be at the stage where I can smile and pretend to be on top of it, while inside I am dying. And screaming for some relief from this incessant grief.
I guess thats not to be and .we’ve just got to get used to it (how?) And keep up the front that we’re ok. Because that’s what people want to hear.
I have a few friends who know how I’m really feeling, but how long before they too think I should be ok?

Take care
Sending hugs

2 Likes

Yes the worst weeks of our lives.
I hope you have a better day today and maybe feel a bit more positive
I’m going to the shops then I will do what gardening I can. I’m not seeing anyone today so I need to keep busy

Take care
Love Liz x

1 Like

I forgot to say I had a dream about a cafe with dogs and my husband was there.
I have been wishing I would have a dream about him.
The strange thing was it felt so normal, so everyday. Just like he had never been away.
It was only when I woke up I realised that was my old life, how it was.

I went to the shops yesterday.
This included going to the butchers as I thought I would actually cook and not just grab a snack or heat up something. However, I think it will end up in the freezer.

A friend had mentioned she might pop around today.
I thought that she couldn’t make it but just got a message
she will be visiting this afternoon. So that’s good.

Have the best day you can.

Love,

Rose x

I’m glad your friend is coming. It’s good to have company.
I hope you didn’t get too upset when you woke and found it was just a dream. Silly isn’t it, we want to dream of them and then cry when we do.

Have the best day you can
Love Liz x

1 Like

Yes! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about

1 Like