I totally empathise with you. Just a week before my husband died and knowing he was very ill, I lost my temper and shouted at him, I called him selfish and I’ll never forgive myself. He was dying for Christs sake!
I was totally exhausted and I’ve been told to forget it, it was normal with the pressure I was under.
But I can’t forget it and I can’t forgive myself. So I’ve got to learn to live with it.
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I was doing ok today up to now and then I go and look at the photos of Bridget that I took while she was in the care home and the wound opens up again. There’s nothing I can do but gradually get used to it even though it’s taking so long to heal.
She went in to the home in 2019 and died there last September. I look at the pictures, especially the little videos, and I can fool myself that if I visit again she’ll be there. I see women around that vaguely look like her and my brain says here she is.
I’m upsetting myself now and needlessly torturing myself with memories.
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@Liro
I did that with Steve, too, told him that when the better weather comes I won’t be spending so much time indoors, sitting on the sofa with him, watching tv. I’d give anything to do that again, now.
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When times are ordinary and we believe life will continue as it is into the future sometimes moan about the way it is. When it’s gone we’d do anything to have it back. Just to do nothing with Bridget was okay. I’m so afraid of losing that intimate connection over time.
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We had both been widowed already when we met.
My sister is terminally ill and my husband and I were discussing how my brother in law would cope. Inevitably we started to talk about coping ourselves. I remember saying that as I had done it once I would be able to do it again if I had to. How I regret that statement now. I feel as if God must have heard me and thought “Oh yes? We’ll see about that”.
Sometimes I feel as if I am being punished for saying that, for being smug about finding happiness again. Worst of all, that my husband has been punished by dying.
I think though, that, however our partners die, we find a way to punish ourselves with ‘if onlys’.
Love and hugs xx
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You are all so right.
Apparently guilt is all part of grief. We will find it somehow, real or imagined.
I just have to remind myself that in the days after Roger wanted me there all the time and panicked if I was out of view. And even in the Hospice when he was mostly out of it, he would always give me a kiss when I asked, even his last morning, he tried, he just didn’t have the strength.
We’ve all really got to stop torturing ourselves .
Sending love and hugs to everyone
Hi @Willow112 yes those things we punish ourselves with. I still feel guilty about certain things and think if only I had said this or that to the doctors in the hospital he could still be here. I ask my husband to forgive me over and over but don’t think he can hear me or doesn’t want to hear.X
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I think he can and does hear and forgive you but I know what you mean,my own guilt is the last kiss I had was cold,my last handhold was cold,I just wasn’t there.
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I think we all think now that we could have done this, said that, handled things better. But at the time circumstances were dictating the way we were.
I was stressed with Bridget’s dementia, her self neglect, not recognising me, me getting little sleep and the list goes on. So I did what I did with all that going on. Now, with the benefit of distance from it all, judge myself all the time. I’m told that I coped well and did better than some. But when you love someone you just get on with it and hardly ever consider yourself.
Bridget was a teaching coordinator, articulate and a mean scrabble player. In the end she couldn’t even write her name or remember mine. Awful and cruel.
I miss her every day
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You all need to remember at the time when you was stressed with your loved ones and maybe became short in that moment. Everyone would react in those situations, the same. It’s so hard and no matter how much we love our loved ones. We are all only human. I have been a nurse for 10 years + and i find it diffult in stressful situations. Do not blame yourselves. Big hugs xx
My regrets are these -
I didn’t give her the love she wanted when she was so frustrated with her dementia
I didn’t stay with her after she died in hospital. I’ll always wish I’d stayed longer just holding her hand and asking for forgiveness.
I didn’t stay more than two hours at each care home visit. Although I did visit every other day.
There are others but when they’re gone we cannot complete the circle by talking about all our concerns with the one we loved. Never miss a chance to say I love you.
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Oh @Dutchman
Please stop beating yourself up over all this.
You did what you could at the time, under immense pressure.
We all did our best at the time. And now we feel guilty. But we shouldn’t, we did our best, often more than our best so we should be proud, not guilty.
But I do know how you feel, I’m exactly the same.
Love and hugs
Liz x x
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Just found this book
[Clare Mackintosh
I Promise It Won’t Always Hurt Like This: 18 Assurances on Grief
Quite helpful I found when you need reassurance
Peter
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Thanks Peter
I will look for that
Liz
X x