Hi,
back again.
I have started many posts and then discarded them.
I have to let this out.
I am sorry that it will be you.
People who also are struggling and battling to find the answers
to all this.
The truth is you will understand although I hope you have not felt this low and hopeless.
I will never harm myself.
I have two wonderful cats that l love so much.
I will look after them.
I had a fall a week ago and although I made light of it at the time, it has had both a physical and emotional impact.
Then a couple of days later, discussing feeling poorly, symptoms, with the friend I was with when I fell, it turned out we had the same ones. Next day she tested positive for Covid. Since then I have got worse.
I have had some problems I have had to deal with before and during this.
So I am exhausted, emotionally drained and totally wiped out.
I hope I will start to climb back up when I feel better but I am doubtful.
I really donāt want to keep on fighting I want to admit defeat.
My husband was my life. I loved him with every ounce of my being. He was also very caring and protective. Being ill without him is so bad, so lonely.
As I have written before many friends and family have drifted away.
I have tried keeping in contact, very occasionally saying I felt down but the vast majority of the time being cheery and showing an interest in them.
I suppose I was trying to remind them I am still here.
However, I have been the one to contact them from time and have left quite long gaps between messages.
So now I realise their friendship and support is over.
Therefore, I have 2 friends possibly 3, and 2 neighbours.
I find that very sad.
My family, just 3 locally, are either really quite ill or caring for someone who is.
My husbandās family have been a disappointment to say the least! Problems have been caused and most of them have not been any support whatsoever.
So, you see
I am now thinking I will look after my cats and thatās it.
Basically, that is my life.
I do not see any point, purpose or hope. Thatās all gone.
Of course, he would not like to see me like this but he is not here.
I wish I could live a life for both of us, a life that he will never have and enjoy.
I just canāt.
I just wait and pray to be with him again.
I am so sorry to have burdened you.
I apologise for dumping this on you.
Much love,
Rose.