What do you do when you feel you’re not getting any support from anyone.

Hello. I’m back here again because it’s the only place where anybody understands how I feel.
I’m just so fed up with feeling that no one cares about me. It’s so isolating and lonely.
They always say you should be honest when people ask how you are, so I tried it ……… instead of saying yeah I’m ok, I’ve been telling them how it is. I’m really really lonely, I hate being on my own and I’m not coping well. But that just seems to alienate me further. That’s not what they want to hear. They don’t know how to react to the truth. They only want the smiley, happy side of me that’s fun to be around.
But that’s not the real me. That’s a mask I wear so that people still want to know me.
The truth is I’m miserable and lonely and scared. I miss the company, the intimacy, I miss having someone to confide in and to talk through problems with, I miss having help around the house, I miss the laughter and the teasing and flirting, I miss being the centre of someone’s world, I miss holding hands and being kissed, I miss having someone to cook for and make plans with, I miss knowing that someone will always be there for me.
I miss everything about the life we shared as a couple for nearly 42 years and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being on my own.
All I need is for my family and friends to really understand that and show me a little compassion. For the kids to ring me once a week maybe or actually drive over for a surprise visit, for friends to ask me round for lunch once in a while.
That all probably sounds very selfish and me me me, but I’ve always been there for my friends and family. I’m always the one to ring for a catch up, I always remember birthdays and anniversaries, contact them on the anniversary of a lost loved one, I’m there to help out in a crisis, I’m the one to invite friends round for an impromptu meal etc etc.
I’ve just completed had it with always being the one who gives and never receiving the love back. And it’s so much more noticeable now that I’ve lost both my mum and my hubby as they both loved and appreciated me so much. I’m totally lost without them in my life.
Thanks for listening :cry:

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Oh Hope, I feel the same as you. Six weeks on and the phone calls have stopped. I also decided to start being honest when people asked how I was. They want to hear you say that you are fine, then they can get on with their own lives without having to feel guilty.
I was the glue in my family, the one that arranged get-togethers. It was always at my house.
I do have my son for support and I am very fortunate. I also have a daughter with special needs. A bit of a double-edged sword, she gives me structure to my life, and I love her dearly. But because of the restrictions that places on me, I need practical help sometimes.
What nobody but my husband can give me is all the things you mention, and they are what I need.
I don’t have any answers or solutions, or wise words. But just wanted to say that you are not alone.
Hugs xx

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Thank you so much Willow.
I know I should pull myself together and I’m sure I will in time. I’m sorry that you feel this way too and sorry that you have so much more on your plate to deal with too.
It’s so good to have this forum to enable us to get everything off our chest at least.
I’ve decided to do some drawers and cupboards out to distract myself, then I might be brave and go up town and have my lunch in a cafe. At least I might see some other people that way. Hope you have a pleasant weekend.
Sending a big hug to you

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Haha! We are so alike! When I saw your post I was sorting out a cupboard full of my husband’s photos from university. Boxes and boxes of slides as well. I decided to get rid of them. There is so much stuff in this house that someone is going to have to bin one day. As I do not want my son to have that to sort, as well as his sister when my time on earth is done, I decided to make the difficult choice. My son is from my first marriage, so all this stuff is not his father’s.
A hard and sad chore, but it has to be done.
Enjoy your lunch, my friend. Xx

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@Hope2 hey, so sorry for your loss. I dont think you’re being selfish. You were the one there for everyone else and when the shoe is on the other foot, its not reciprocated. I hear that totally.
The problem is, it happens so often. The one who is there for everyone in times of crisis never gets it paid back. Which leaves them feeling alone and uncared for. The actually truth is that YOU are a nice, caring and loving person. You did what you did because that is you. Some people aren’t like you and that’s not their fault. They are who they are. You are who you are. It kinda sucks sometimes to actually realise it and digest it.
Your hubby and your mum were most probably like you, and you have lost your 2 biggest allies who ‘got’ you and loved you unconditionally.
You’re now in a new reality where they are not in it and the people who you made time for, don’t make time for you.
It’s a horrible new reality, especially when you’re a giving person and you just want someone to give back to you.
If I cpuld I wpuld gove ypu a big hug, because I feel talhats what ypu need. It wont solve your problems, but a hug helps sometimes.
Please keep posting on here and if you ever need a chat, just message. X

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Thank you so much Paul. You speak such a lot of sense. That’s the second time you’ve come to my aid. Remember the kitchen catastrophes a week or two ago?
I did follow your advice then and have had my new induction hob fitted and it’s working well, so that’s a positive at least.
Hope your weekend is going well.

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I think that the older people in our friends and family see us as a reminder of what is in the future for them, the younger people are just too busy and think that their time, for what we are going through, is too far in the future to care about so why be reminded of it by mixing with someone who is going through it.
One other thing I believe is that people don’t like coming into my house now that Joan has gone even though, when they used to visit, I tried to make them welcome, it is another reminder of the sadness of how a home can turn into a place of misery in which we just survive.
Best wishes.

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Oh Hope I could have written that as I feel exactly the same. You mention missing the company, the intimacy and the kisses. It’s so difficult to share those thoughts with anyone else. They don’t want to know or are embarrassed by your openness.
I am only 10 weeks in but have come to realise that unless you have been in this situation you can’t possibly know what it is like. I think back to how I may have reacted to someone being widowed and whilst I thought I had been supportive, I was probably anything but that.
When people ask me how I am I just say surviving. I don’t tell them about the endless tears and feelings of despair. There is probably only one person I might confide in, but they are dealing with their own grief.
Please keep posting and sharing. I hope you feel better for doing so; you have made me feel better knowing it’s not just me.
Hope your weekend improves :two_hearts:xx

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@Hope2 sometimes I speak sense :slightly_smiling_face: My sons might doubt that occasionally!
I’m glad to have helped a little, this community is great for support and venting.
Hope you have a good weekend and remember, keep your chin up :slightly_smiling_face:

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Hi Jody.
Thank you for responding.
I’m glad my post has helped you in some way.
I know people don’t understand unless they’ve experienced it and like you, I don’t think I myself showed enough compassion for people in the same situation until I’d been through it myself.
It’s incredible really, when you think how many millions of people around the world are going through the same thing every day.
Sending hugs. Have a good weekend.

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Aw … totally get you. Its so hard without them isnt it as you say being centre of your world :frowning: and i dont think anybody understands it until they been there such as us on here. Keep talking and letting your feelings out to people who understand xx

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Hi Hope I can fully understand and agree with what you have said. Life is hard and without that special person even harder. I feel the same as you. I have just said on another thread that although I hope for my life to get better, I truly can’t see that happening. Sending you a big hug.X

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What do I do ? What have I done ? Retreat. Lock the gate. Take care of my own needs.
Look after the animals at home.
If those people who let me down, do call, I don’t answer.

I read once that "the first time that someone shows you who they are, believe it. "

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Hi @Hope2

Thankyou for putting in to words all the things I am missing. I don’t think this heartbreak will ever really go away.
The price we pay for loving someone so much.
Like you we had 42 years. How do you let that go.
I know I can’t

I am lucky in the fact that I do have friends and family that are still being supportive at the moment, and I’m grateful for that.
But it doesn’t take away the lonliness and isolation we all feel does it.

Sending big hugs x x

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@Hope2 and @Willow112, we were childhood sweet hearts, so when you have been close for so long, it is a battle. As you say, you need a physical person to talk to just to vent, who doesn’t feel like they need to fix you, and will listen and let the blackness pass. This path is so difficult as this is an internal fight with yourself. Personally, i found regular talking with others bereaved on zoom meeting, helped with the bad days. My reality is i know i fuction, but inside, i am broken and have a ways to go to come to terms with this trauma. Stay safe and be kind to yourself. Allen

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I feel as you all do. I lost my husband 3 weeks tomorrow. He wasn’t only my husband he was my best friend and lover. My brother xame yesterday telling me how Gra wouldn’t want ne to be like this . No of course he wouldn’t. I tried to explain the pain and lonilness. But he couldn’t understand it. Xxxx

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Hope2 i feel the same as you. I just wish my family would call me when I’m struggling but of course they aren’t aware of this because i find it hard to tell them when they are grieving for their Dad. I like to think i would be a support now to someone in my situation but to be honest before i lost my husband i wouldn’t have known how this feels and how lonely it is. I am sitting here hoping someone will call me or txt but really i guess i need to reach out to people .

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I have always tried to be there when my neighbour losther husband i was there for her. But family dont seem to have the same empathy. All i get told is that i will getvusecto this. Xxxx

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I know that feeling too. I’m forever checking my mobile phone hoping they’ll be a message from someone.
I do message people myself but it’s nice when they message me first rather than just answer my messages.

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Yes I know. I try to remind myself that my boys are busy with work and family etc and remember what my hubby used to say when I worried that I hadn’t heard from them for a while……don’t worry about it, they are just living their lives.
It was different then though…… I had him there to distract me and tell me I was over thinking stuff.

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