What have I learnt?

Next weekend will be the one year anniversary of the death of my amazing hubby Malc. We were married for nearly 24 years and he was 69. He went out for a bike ride and never came back - I heard he had died from the Ambulance crew when I rang his phone. I had NO idea how awful it would be without him and life for me is very different; every day is a lesson learnt in dealing with grief:

    1. In the early days you will realise that this is the worst pain you have ever felt. The thing is, it can’t get worse than this so it WILL get better.
    1. You won’t sleep, your memory will be rubbish and your attention span will be zero but it WILL get better.
    1. Friends and family will not be able to do or say anything right but you will still say that you’re fine!
    1. You might be able to look at pictures or listen to the music you both liked OR you might not.
    1. You will wear your partners clothes to bed until they stop smelling of them…or smell so bad you HAVE to wash them.
    1. You will suddenly be overwhelmed by your feelings for no specific reason – go with it; it will pass eventually.
    1. Friends or family will say the most STUPID thing that will upset or annoy you….they will also be there when you need them to….you just have to ask.
    1. You will think that you are improving and then something will take you back a few steps.
    1. Don’t EVER think you have to sort out their things/delete their accounts/sell anything until YOU really have to or want to………you might regret doing it too soon and when it’s done it’s done.
    1. You will laugh at something…and then feel guilty. Don’t feel guilty – if it was the other way around you would want them to laugh wouldn’t you?

Whatever you feel it doesn’t matter to anyone else but you; it’s all OK and it WILL get better and sharing your feelings with other people in the same situation may help you and may help somebody else so keep on sharing xxx

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Thank you for that… as someone who is just over 5 months on this journey your post has been most uplifting. I know there are many on here who will resonate with your words.

Thank you, I think we all need print outs of those wise words.

Thank you so much I’m 5 weeks after Colin passing and your words have helped me so much as its everything I have thought in this short space of time but needed to hear and for me to think its okay to think this way.
I am normal, and you have reassured me of this.
Thank you x

Thank you for posting your bullet points, I can relate to them all

Thank you Rippy. That is just what I needed this morning as I felt I’ve been going backwards recently. I shall copy those words and keep referring to them.

@Rippy Thank you. Wise words and spoken from experience. Many people try to give advice who have absolutely no idea what they are talking about! :butterfly::broken_heart:

Thank you. 4 months down the line I relate to all of this💙

Thank you Rippy. What wonderful words to read this morning, so true and so reassuring. You’ve given me hope and I hope one day I’ll be able to do the same for someone else. And thank you Al for directing me to this post :heart:

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30 months on and yes, that list is still relevant to me. But I’ll add ‘Wobbles’ - they can be small they can be huge…they happen anywhere, can be a problem if you’re driving. But, for me they are a safety valve, releasing all the pent up emotions. A bit like #6 but different. They are part of me :blue_heart: I find I can easily say I’m having one, it’s easier for family and friends to respond to.

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It’s now 6 months since I lost my darling wife, and I can resonate with everything you have written.
I hope things do improve, right now I’m just so lonely all of the time!!, always chasing my own shadow.time just drags . I feel guilty if I do not anything without her.
Our children have all grown up with their own lives to lead.

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Thanks. So true so awful

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Thank you. I am coming up to 10 months and can resonate with everything you say.
It’s been the strangest of years in the worst possible circumstances and to read your words just helped me so much.

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Hi. Rippy. Thank you so much for that. It sums up so well what we all feel. It is a learning experience. We can learn so much about ourselves and others during this awful time. The circumstances of your loss are so really awful, and I send my Blessings to you. You are so right. The pain does lessen as time passes. At least I have found it so after nearly two years. I will never ever forget, but memories begin to be more positive than before.
Very best wishes, and thank you. John.

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Rippy
Your points ring so true, it’s now been nearly two years since my partner died and though I still cry the pain is no longer as raw.
Only thing I can say is that this site, the people on it, held my virtual hand in the early days and helped me through the darkest of times with compassion.
Learn never to be afraid to reach out or call for help.
Someone will always answer.
X

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I can relate to everything you have written it’s very comforting to know that other people in the same situation feel the same especially the bit about being horrible to the closest people around you,I have been just so awful to my parents ,but they just seem to keep saying the wrong things to me , but they keep caring I am only a month in but I feel as though it’s getting worse !I really do feel some days what’s the point.

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So sorry you find yourself on here, just want to send you love. It’s six months for me and I just want to tell you that somehow we do keep going , day in. day out , and I can’t really say it gets better but maybe more bearable. And grief does make us impatient with people, especially our nearest and dearest, they just want to make it all better for us and they can!t so they end up saying things which annoy us . Keep posting on here , you will get so much support and understanding, it’s really kept me going. Take care x

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Thankyou for your kind words of support at the moment I can’t see how it will get bearable , I will be staying with my parents this weekend and in some ways I’m dreading it,at the moment I just want to be alone in my own house ,it seems as though as soon I step outside and go anywhere I just go to pieces ,I had to go to the supermarket yesterday to get some dog food and when I got back into the car I went to pieces ,I can’t tolerate seeing people going about their daily business or seeing couples together,I want to scream at them do you know what I’m going through I’ve just lost my husband!,it really does tear your heart in two.so it’s now 4am and I have just woken after having five hours sleep (due to the bottle plus wine I drank) and it’s so quiete no noise of snoring that I would moan about and give anything to hear now,just my little chihuahua on the end of the bed who I must say has been a real comfort to me.
So anyone out there now feeling the same,your not alone…xx

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Home becomes our refuge, our safe place , the outside world is just too upsetting and it’s so early for you. I still find it really hard to see couples holding hands it just brings it home to you how much you’ve lost and breaks your heart all over again. I hope you manage to cope over the weekend . I know it’s going to be so hard, but try to remember that they love you , can’t bear to see you hurting and don’t know what to say. The only people I didn’t get irritated by were those who had been through losing a partner . It’s such a different level of grief from anything else you’ve ever experienced and nobody can really know how you feel unless they’ve been through it too. Hope you got a bit more sleep, nothing’s lonelier than an empty silent bed in the early hours. Yes, my husband snored too and like you I’d give anything to hear that rumbling again . Sending love x

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Gosh your so right about the only people to understand are the ones who lost their partner ,I only know a couple of people who have lost partners and definitely it’s os different to anything else,I lost my brother very suddenly just ten months ago age 59 yes it was devastating but nothing like with my husband I guess a part of you dies with them as you are so used to doing everything together.
I will try and be nice this weekend(if I can):::and thankyou again for your sullport.Much love xx

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