What have I learnt?

Next weekend will be the one year anniversary of the death of my amazing hubby Malc. We were married for nearly 24 years and he was 69. He went out for a bike ride and never came back - I heard he had died from the Ambulance crew when I rang his phone. I had NO idea how awful it would be without him and life for me is very different; every day is a lesson learnt in dealing with grief:

    1. In the early days you will realise that this is the worst pain you have ever felt. The thing is, it can’t get worse than this so it WILL get better.
    1. You won’t sleep, your memory will be rubbish and your attention span will be zero but it WILL get better.
    1. Friends and family will not be able to do or say anything right but you will still say that you’re fine!
    1. You might be able to look at pictures or listen to the music you both liked OR you might not.
    1. You will wear your partners clothes to bed until they stop smelling of them…or smell so bad you HAVE to wash them.
    1. You will suddenly be overwhelmed by your feelings for no specific reason – go with it; it will pass eventually.
    1. Friends or family will say the most STUPID thing that will upset or annoy you….they will also be there when you need them to….you just have to ask.
    1. You will think that you are improving and then something will take you back a few steps.
    1. Don’t EVER think you have to sort out their things/delete their accounts/sell anything until YOU really have to or want to………you might regret doing it too soon and when it’s done it’s done.
    1. You will laugh at something…and then feel guilty. Don’t feel guilty – if it was the other way around you would want them to laugh wouldn’t you?

Whatever you feel it doesn’t matter to anyone else but you; it’s all OK and it WILL get better and sharing your feelings with other people in the same situation may help you and may help somebody else so keep on sharing xxx


Thank you for that… as someone who is just over 5 months on this journey your post has been most uplifting. I know there are many on here who will resonate with your words.

Thank you, I think we all need print outs of those wise words.

Thank you so much I’m 5 weeks after Colin passing and your words have helped me so much as its everything I have thought in this short space of time but needed to hear and for me to think its okay to think this way.
I am normal, and you have reassured me of this.
Thank you x

Thank you for posting your bullet points, I can relate to them all

Thank you Rippy. That is just what I needed this morning as I felt I’ve been going backwards recently. I shall copy those words and keep referring to them.

@Rippy Thank you. Wise words and spoken from experience. Many people try to give advice who have absolutely no idea what they are talking about! :butterfly::broken_heart:

Thank you. 4 months down the line I relate to all of this💙

Thank you Rippy. What wonderful words to read this morning, so true and so reassuring. You’ve given me hope and I hope one day I’ll be able to do the same for someone else. And thank you Al for directing me to this post :heart:

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30 months on and yes, that list is still relevant to me. But I’ll add ‘Wobbles’ - they can be small they can be huge…they happen anywhere, can be a problem if you’re driving. But, for me they are a safety valve, releasing all the pent up emotions. A bit like #6 but different. They are part of me :blue_heart: I find I can easily say I’m having one, it’s easier for family and friends to respond to.


It’s now 6 months since I lost my darling wife, and I can resonate with everything you have written.
I hope things do improve, right now I’m just so lonely all of the time!!, always chasing my own shadow.time just drags . I feel guilty if I do not anything without her.
Our children have all grown up with their own lives to lead.


Thanks. So true so awful

Thank you. I am coming up to 10 months and can resonate with everything you say.
It’s been the strangest of years in the worst possible circumstances and to read your words just helped me so much.


Hi. Rippy. Thank you so much for that. It sums up so well what we all feel. It is a learning experience. We can learn so much about ourselves and others during this awful time. The circumstances of your loss are so really awful, and I send my Blessings to you. You are so right. The pain does lessen as time passes. At least I have found it so after nearly two years. I will never ever forget, but memories begin to be more positive than before.
Very best wishes, and thank you. John.

Your points ring so true, it’s now been nearly two years since my partner died and though I still cry the pain is no longer as raw.
Only thing I can say is that this site, the people on it, held my virtual hand in the early days and helped me through the darkest of times with compassion.
Learn never to be afraid to reach out or call for help.
Someone will always answer.