What if there’s no one?

Through all the support and info I have read the one thing that stands out is the importance of being able to talk to family and friends about the one you’ve lost. But what if you don’t have anyone? What do you do then? .
The one I’ve lost was the one I always talked with, about everything. I write things down. I look at photos & videos and that helps. But it only goes so far:(
I envy those with large families

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this my case too, only child.

cousins overseas … close friends, am young enough to start over if I am lucky … in the meantime, alone.

you are not alone in this! it gets very hard. :heartpulse:

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That’s stood out to me too, punkyfish, I too have no one to talk to, yetI do have family
It doesn’t automatically follow that family members can or do support each other in bereavement, sometimes the very opposite and rifts open up over different relationships with the person who has died, or people feel their grief is being dismissed, all of which adds more pain and turmoil on top of the terrible grief
That’s my experience
But, yes, it must be good to have family or friends where support and someone to talk to …

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Like you @Punkyfsh I have no one to talk to each morning I consider the fact no one cares if I live or die and pray for my beloved to come and get me. There is no purpose for me to be here and struggle to get through every day it’s been nearly 11 months now and I cry everyday for no one to see my tears. I do not know how long I will survive this grieve I write on here most day do not know if it helps or not .
Jessica

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I’m so sorry @berit it is very hard. We have each other on here, we just have to take one day or one hour at a time

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@Bluebell1 I have two sons, one is caring, one not so. I don’t feel I can put too much on the younger (caring) one. They both have their own lives while mine feels like the best is behind me. I’m so sorry you feel in the same boat

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@Jessica1231 this is very sad to read. I can’t see your tears but I feel them. I know your pain. If you want to tell me about the person you lost I’m happy to listen

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i know how you feel Punkyfsh. I am totally on my own. i light candles, write a memory book , put up photos , do a small part of garden in memory it helps but not having anyone to talk to is awful . . i went through time of hell with grief and no one knew no one was bothered , people who knew dad had died didnt call. i have no family friends . I just have to do these positive things that i’ve mentioned and suffer on my own

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Hi @chiara it’s so lonely isn’t it. I like the sound of your memory book , I might try something like this.
I get fed up with the excuse “people don’t know what to say” they don’t have to say anything, just listen!
Thank you for replying

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Hi Punkyfsh please keep posting here about how you feel . If you want to talk to someone on a phone line have you thought of British Red Cross 08081963651. You can chat about whatever you like Their website is good and deals with loneliness One of the headings is : Coping with change and loss in relationships. Its good to hear another persons voice have that two way conversation and they also do listen
i hope this might help you but keep posting here as well

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Thank you so much @chiara
I’ll definitely look at Red Cross, I hadn’t thought of them
I hope you’re doing ok

Interesting.

Firstly, I think there is a world of difference between being alone and being lonely.

I now live alone, for the first time in my life, since the death of my lovely husband in March, this year.

We had no children.

I would say, I’m alone but I’m not lonely.

I think so much depends on the lifestyle you had pre-bereavement and most importantly, I think, the language you use in your internal dialogue to yourself.

It must be particularly hard if you were half of a couple who did absolutely everything together and had no social life outside of each other.

Similarly, if you spent a long period of time acting as someone’s carer.

We weren’t that couple.

I always worked shifts and unsocial hours, weekends, Bank Holidays, Christmas Day etc etc throughout the whole of our married lives - not my choice, just the nature of my work.

I would often have a day off when Mr Wingingit was working and vice versa.

This meant that we learned, through circumstances, to function independently of each other to a certain extent.

I’m sure this has helped me to manage since his death - though there is a world of difference between managing for a couple of days and managing alone permanently.

I also try to control my internal dialogue avoiding negative phraseology where possible.

God knows, it’s painful and not what I want but telling myself I’m suffering, life is not worth living, nobody cares etc etc will NOT help me negotiate this tricky path and will just help to drag me downwards even further.

I try to find the silver lining in the cloud and, to some extent, I think I have by focusing on the fact that Mr. Wingingit will never have to endure the brutal side effects from chemotherapy, radiotherapy and just being dependent on the NHS for care and treatment in this day and age.
That would have been his worst nightmare.

So, I tell myself, I will survive this, that he is at peace and has been spared a lot of horror and that he would want me to “fight manfully onwards” - one of his favourite expressions when times were tough.

We can do this.
We just have to dig deep.

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You could keep this thread going for those who are or feel very alone. This is a wonderful place to connect and share.

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Hi Daffy123 You’re right we have to keep posting and sharing . I wasnt going to reply again . today been a bit of a rough day . And I am on my own . its quite difficult at times coping
I was just saying in another post that i sponsored a guide dog in memory of my dad and that makes me smile and i think my dad would have been smiling as well at her .Her name is Margo Other people also say do something that will make you smile . someone ordered a heart and had it engraved and that helped them So different things can help But isnt it a struggle at times on your own .

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Chiara,
It’s really lovely that you’ve sponsored a guide dog in your Dads memory. The difference guide dogs make to peoples lives is amazing. I know someone with a guide dog, Her dog fetches her clothes and shoes. It’s a dearly loved dog.
Giving to charity was one of the things that gave me some sort of comfort in the first year.
I lost my Mum a few years ago. Some people hate the word ‘lost’, but I still find it an easier word to use.
The wonderful people on here dragged me through, so many rough days.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for everyone.
Take care.

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@Wingingit Im sorry for the loss of your husband. Its good to read you are coping well with a positive mindset. I didn’t live with the person I lost, so I’m well used to eating alone, coming home to an empty house etc. My post was about not having someone close to talk to, I had known the person for many years and we knew each other very well. I could tell them everything and anything. So I have lost the person I confided in and I have lost the only person who could say and do the right thing to help me in my grief. I am also facing surgery in a few weeks and will have to deal with this alone. I will cope on my own, I just dont want to.

I don’t mean to be unkind winginit, and well intentioned you might be, but I found your ‘think positive and don’t use internal negative dialogue’ attitude insensitive towards the people who made the comments you were responding to
It’s good your experience of grief is so ‘positive’ but it really isn’t as simple as just changing your thinking, which for some is very difficult, human beings are not in control of our brains and thoughts as easily as you suggest, for all sorts of reasons, it can take time and work to do so, for some people, perhaps aided by a counsellor/therapist, and I don’t believe it’s helpful to ‘blame’ those people for their own distress and tell them they just need to think positive.

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The grief I feel is anything but positive - how could it be when I’ve lost my soul mate and confidante?

I’m not trying to tell anyone what they should and shouldn’t do, I was simply describing what I, someone who lives alone with no near family, am trying to do to help me survive and manage this c**p.
I never implied it was easy - far from it - it takes a lot of energy and effort which is frequently in short supply.

I blame no-one for feeling distressed - you would have to be a robot not to feel distressed when bereaved.

Clearly, I didn’t explain myself very well and I apologise if I have upset anyone unintentionally.

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hi to all on this coversation Its 4;03 am and grief is biting . I tried swatting it with a memory book and photos . Grief is no respecter of time or place is it . million thanks to Daffy 123 for encouragement to carry on posting . Punkfsh thanks for words of wisedom 'take one day at a time 'And to all others for support .Winginit chill out and say how you really feel and keep posting
This site has been a good support and thanks to all for replying lets keep that support going.

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@chiara ((hug))

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