lose here
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My Penny 
Aged 18. 5th June 1971. Left this world. 6th November 2019. Aged 67. Miss you Penny Every day.
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My feelings are very similar to yours. It’s 5 months since my husband died while swimming in the sea. He was so fit and healthy! The inquest is still ongoing. Ee didn’t have children and all my family live abroad. They couldn’t come to the funeral because of Covid and I still can’t visit them. Its been a living hell! The grief, the anxiety, the loneliness. I also have a visual impairment and worry about my sight. There are many moments when I just don’t want to be here any more. But for my 93year old mother in Belgium I have to carry on. I’ve had wonderful bereavement counselling through Sue Ryder but nobody can take that pain away. I’m now on anti-depressant. In January I became a volunteer at the local vaccination centre. Without that I simply don’t know how I could have carried on. A dog is not an option at the moment as I will visit my family soon by Eurostar. I cry so much and talk to my husband. I also write to him when the pain is unbearable. I so empathise with you all. My husband would want me to look after myself and to try and be happy again. The former I am resolved to do. As for the latter I don’t think that will ever happen. We have to hang on in there and comfort each other as best we can. I send you big warm hugs. Xx
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Happiness is fleeting, sadness & grief lasts for ever
Memories are precious but don’t fill the void
Just breathing in & out today, nothing else
I’m not brave enough to face the future alone & lonely & in so much pain
Dear Maigret
Your words are so true. I am now 8 months on from when my nightmare began. Our eldest little grandson took poorly yesterday and was admitted to hospital. Our son was often in and out of hospital when he was young - my husband was my rock and kept me going through these episodes. I cannot cope with convulsions, I cannot cope with a baby’s illness … I cannot cope as I was never the brave one, my husband was. I just so desperately need him here to tell me everything will be ok. I just so desperately need him.
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Dear Sheila26
I hope the wee lad gets better soon & gets home to his mum& dad. Your words so resonate, my husband was the strong, logical & calm one who looked after me and close family so well. He was brilliant with my mum & dad, who adored him. He was my rock when they passed away.
I am letting him down being this crumbling person, a real shadow of the woman he loved for over 42 years. Most of what happens to us now are just normal life things, illness & the worry that brings, leaks, car breakdown, mice, etc etc but I seem to go straight to panic & he’s not here to take charge.
Didn’t get up today, I am no use to anyone & think really I just don’t care about anything anymore. When he died I died inside & struggle to feel any love for anyone, even those dear family close to me. They’ve all got someone, they’ll be OK without me.
Am I wallowing? Call it what you will, its torture. All of us here know that.
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Sheila26 I hope your grandson is better soon. I think as couples we were strong together, I’m sure they would say we were their rock if they had been left behind and not us. The rocks have been smashed and we’re left in little pieces scattered everywhere.
Maigret the loneliness is so painful. I just want to talk to him about the things that only we knew about, we could talk for hours about pretty much anything. We would pause a TV program just to say something and end up missing the whole thing! No-one else will do! The conversations with others are just passing the time, just general chit chat.
I miss that closeness so much, yearn to laugh at something he said. Miss watching TV and not even talking, but content knowing we were together.
Love and hugs 
Jacky
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I get what you mean. I was the bubbly one - now a shadow, as you say, of the woman my husband knew. He was wonderful with my parents - promised my dad he’d look after us all when my dad died. He looked after us fantastically and selflessly until he was taken suddenly and for no reason that the medical profession can yet tell me. I cannot feel joy in any way now, all I feel is sadness and yearning to be hugged by him to make everything ok. Just plodding on for my kids but it is an existence rather than a life. Sending hugs
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Dear Maigret
Sorry for the delay in replying. Was at son’s house most of yesterday and only got out of bed myself.
You are not wallowing. I was with my husband for 42 years and married 38. We have been with the one we loved most of our lifetime and this is not something that we can ever get over. I am only functioning when necessary - mostly for our little grandsons. When things went wrong we had someone to turn to, someone who would have the answers. Now we have to scramble around by ourselves trying to sort things and hoping not to get ripped off.
Take care.
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Dear Sheila26
Is there a point we reach when we just accept they are gone? When you say to yourself, thats it, no more imagining, pretending or hoping. Is that point we need to reach to move forward.
This pain is exhausting, debilitating, something needs to start or stop happening, I can’t go on like this. 16 weeks today
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I am feeling very much the same. Every day is so, so hard and with no point. I can breathe through each day (as they advise) but for how long? I was with my husband from being 16 and we were starting to plan for our retirement time - everything we worked for. Now I keep thinking, why did we work so hard when it’s all gone? Yes, we made sure that our kids were alright but everything we worked for for us has gone. He isn’t here to enjoy it and I can’t enjoy it.
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Dear maigret Am so for your loss. It as been the worst 12 months of my life, l lost my husband Lewis he was messing about with me and his girls and 45 minutes later he had gone. He was not poorly. Are 13 year daughter is not coping very well with his passing and my 24 year old was with me at time he died and tried to help him. We have made him a scrap book. I talk with him every day but it’s getting hard l can’t see my life without him, he was so caring and would do anything for anybody, he was just 55 year old and we had many more years ahead of us. I take a day at a time that’s all we can do. I had parents evening today and he wasn’t there. Thinking about you at this sad time in your life and just remember the family that are still here and love us like me loved are husbands. Xx
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Dear Maigret
I am so sorry that you find yourself on this awful journey.
I lost my husband in a road traffic accident so have had to deal with the police on a regular basis since then. The day of the crash I prayed that it would be mistaken identity (selfish I know because that would have meant agony for another family). Whilst I have accepted he is never going to come back I will never be able to move forward. I just live in the day and face whatever challenges present themselves. Some days, even now, I just stay in bed and cannot face the outside world.
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Jules4: I’ve got the same feeling; Me and my wife met each other in our teens. We both grew up in poor families. We struggled to build a loving relationship through all the tribulations; we worked hard to make sure our little family of 3 are financially secure; we taught our daughter to be diligent and upright…
Just when we thought that we have done what should be done in life; just when we were content that we might enjoy more time together in our retirement(planned 2022), my lovely wife passed. What’s the point for all the effort? Everything is set back to zero now
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Oh Sheila, I SO know howt you feel. It’s hell on earth. We have to carry on, however hard it will be, but I can’t imagine either of us will feel happiness again. As we keep saying, that’s the price we pay for such love. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Ann x
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It’s just so hard day after day . That’s how I am Sheila I can’t accept he’s gone because I don’t want it to be true. So like you just try to get through the day and if I get out of bed that’s a good day. I feel I should be functioning more than I am as I’ve always been strong , had to be dealing with Graham’s illness over the years but now I have no motivation to do anything. I was strong when he was here and I had a purpose and reason to fight on . Now I just feel lost💔. Thinking of you .
Take care
Julie x
Dear Juli69
Thank you. Our daughter came up for a couple of days. Felt ok whilst I had company but now she has set out to return home just feel crap again. Life really is hard and seems so pointless.
Take care.
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Hi all I am so deeply sorry for all your losses its a month for me come tomorrow since I lost the love of my life pauline my soulmate and my best friend I have to say goodbye tomorrow at her funeral but I know I can’t let go I love her so much she was my whole world and its empty without her nothing has any meaning nothing to look forward to just this continuous pain and heartache we had 20 years and 8 months together I’m gonna tell my doctor I want a dnr put on my record there I’m only carrying on because she would want me to and for our pets but I don’t want to be here I want to be with her she is my heart and soul I don’t know how I’m gonna cope tomorrow
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I felt the same the day before my husband’s funeral but, as people on here said to me, you will get through it. There was a bit more of a calmness on the day. I found the day after hard though so try to have some support then - or post on here. People will support you here. Sending hugs
Dear Casey, I’m so sorry for your loss. I so understand how you feel. It’s 5 months since my husband of 40 years died in an accident. If I’m still here it’s because of my family who all live abroad. And because Steve would want me to be happy again. I’m trying to carry on without him but it’s so so hard. I hope you have friends/family to give you comfort. We are here to support each other. They say it gets easier with time. Big hug xx