Strangers becone friends and friends become strangers
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Taff, so very very true and to be honest never thought of it like that xx
I feel very alone, very isolated. I feel everyone else moving on, no one talks about her anymore.
Her boyfriend still calls here everyday, her grave is in my garden, but heās not spoken her name in such a long time now.
I feel her memory fading but not for me. She is still everywhere but I feel the distance creeping in, in the little things, like the clothes wash is coming to an end, the bottle was full while she was alive but the next one I buy I wonāt use to wash her clothes, so that connection is gone. Iāve lost weight so the clothes I wore when she was alive no longer fit, so that connection has gone.
I am desperately trying to hold on to her, I love her so much. I go to bed every night praying I will dream of her and never wake up.
Thats so normalā¦its all the little things that many dont realise, for me it was putting in my repeat prescription and not his, his weetabix is still in the cupboard as is some of his cheese in the fridge. I still cannot watch TV no concentration, no one speaks my sons name but all i want to do is talk about him. I need to be able to drive ( tried and had a panic attack) to drive to the buriel site as not been since day after the funeral. We just have to take this slowly, getting out of bed may be all we can do o e day.
I feel the same about so many things you have put in your post. No one seems to mention his name, breaks me. I canāt buy cheese as my son loved cheese. Saw some little chocolate Xmas biscuits the other day, heartbroken. They will be in our hearts for ever and memories is all we have. Iām sat crying again, must motivate myself. Why do others not realise how hard this is xx
Theyāre in everything we see or do, youāre right, itās all the little things. The big things are too much, the bride she will never be, the children she will never have, too much to bear.
But itās the little things that catch you out as weāre not thinking of them, so when the shock hits like a force field and that thump in your chest hits like a sledge hammer itās huge. So the little things become big things and we can no longer do the little things, like going to the shops, driving, seeing friends, getting dressed ā¦ the living part of being alive
MoBe exactly how I feel you have put into words. Like buying cheese, I canāt do that itās too upsetting, no one else would get it, and I really hope they will never have to. I get flashbacks which get me unaware, and they are awful. I have to keep busy all the time if not my mind wanders to not a good place. I canāt even get my head around it that we will never see them again, but they are with us all the time. I really do prefer my own company, apart from my rock my partner. Without him I really would not survive. I have already told him if anything happened to me turn it all off or if I was really really ill, leave the tablets nearby as I donāt want to suffer anymore pain. I watched both my parents pass away, my Dad peaceful but slightly different for my Mum, I witnessed something that a doctor and nurse said I should never of witnessed. I think at least my son through the overdose of drugs, just drifted off to sleep. He looked so peaceful I thought he was asleep and looking back I am glad it was me he found him in his bed, snuggled up under his duvet. I ask myself so many times whyā¦one stupid mistake. Addiction is so cruel like so many other illnesses. Why canāt other people understand us. Take care, big hug xx
I have same issue with cheese, he loved his cheese, especially posh cheese , he would have tiny slivers to save it. Your words have just trigged me, we went to see my Aunt two days before she was on end of life care but her daughter kept pushing for treatment and i said to him, dont leave me like this i dont want treatment, did that then trigger he didnt want to live in tornent as well. I spent 3 weeks at the hospital with my aunt i should have been home with him.
Iām laughing about our cheese situation, no one else would get it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, you did what was right at the time, try not to dwell on it, my partner would say to meā¦it wonāt change anything, which is very true, but not always easy to think that way. We have to do what we think is right as an individual as we are all so different in our coping mechanism. Iām really not sure what mine is, just get through a day at a time, I canāt look ahead as I have realised tomorrow is not guaranteed to us. OMG that sounds gloomy but I feel itās true. Itās pouring down where I am which I donāt think helps how we are, and the clocks changing is even worse xx
My daughter loved a cheese board too, weād have a games night with a cheese board, especially this time of year.
Iām pleased you have the comfort of knowing your sonās death was quick and painless. My daughter was the opposite but I cannot think of it, it causes me so much pain. I feel so guilty because the only way I get through these days is to try and block everything out but I do not want to block her out.
I want to be with her so much. I want my other daughter to say itās ok, I can leave her, sheāll be ok.
I donāt want to go through this life without my baby. I know you say minute by minute but those minutes are getting harder.
At Christmas I would make loads of homemade cheese straws, he loved them, wonāt ever make them again. Iām so sorry your daughter suffered and the extra pain it causes you. Our brains have a coping mechanism which helps sometimes. My flashbacks are awful sometimes. The minutes we do are harder sometimes than others. You can do this no matter how hard it is and yes itās hard. I donāt think the dark nights help and Christmas looms, but we can all do this for our loved ones xx
Iām back to the start.
I think grief goes in circles, the denial, the pain, the anger, the disbelief, the void, the dark reality, the numbness.
Im back to the dark. I wish I was in the numb stage.
Yesterday was very hard, 9 weeks.
I have the horrible pounding in my chest again, I canāt settle, just crying ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
I carry so much hate now.
The waves will be constant at the moment, think im back in denial if his bedroom door is open hes at Uniā¦but no Sunday afternoon phone call.
I was like that a few days ago, just go with it, cry as much as you need to. Iāve just got out of the shower, realised I was crying again all about purple shampoo which I was using which my son used to use. He was even from a young age fanatical about his hair. Itās the tiny things that are the trigger points I find. How I miss the phone calls every day, messenger. It doesnāt help with the dark nights looming but we have to turn that somehow to a positive. I still right my journal every day, do you do one, if not give it a go, I found it helps me xx
I feel the waves are huge again at the moment, then I have to re group again. I ask myself is this what life is going to be like. Itās my birthday next week, I dread it as I would have gone for lunch with my son, even if I had ended up paying lol. We used to go to Spoons for breakfast or lunch at weekends, how I miss it, sit chatting about anything. Sometimes we would be in there and a few of his mates would appear, he would say Iām out with Mum. However there was always one who he would never let come and speak to me and if he was at my sons flat he would quickly go. He was someone I couldnāt take to, I actually wonder if he knew about the drugs my son took. I found an odd message on my sons messages, I did some detective work and something doesnāt tally up with it all. I traced his name from messenger, then FB and the two linked up together. I still deciding what to do about it. I e given up telling the police they need my sons mobile. Sorry Taff, Iām rambling on but itās bugging me. Itās pouring down here xx
My sister went shopping today with her family into the city centre. I found it really hard thinking of the Christmas decorations soon to be on display and the lights. I cannot remember that last time I did that. I havenāt been in the city since my daughter was diagnosed with her brain tumour 14 months ago.
I have had a monumentally bad weekend. The weather is awful, the dark nights are awful and watching parents with kids is unbearable, especially mothers with daughters her age.
We used to go the gstden centre pick a new decoration have lunch i tried to go to a different garden centre ā¦didnt work. I struggle seeing families with two young boys thinking that was my life once
Nothing works, I feel entombed in her life.
Every single thing I do is a memory, a feeling, a reaction to her.
My tumble dryer broke and we were taking it out, there in the space, she had written her name in the concrete floor. It broke me.
Oh MoBe itās those type of things that crack us unfortunately. Take a photo of it if you have to put a new tumble dryer in the space, then you will have it to keepā¦just a thought. This journey is hard but somehow we will do it x
It was the first thing I did. There arenāt going to be any more new photos or new memories so this one was a gift I suppose.
Iām in a really dark place, everything I see my mind is jumping to āshe will never see that, she will never do that, she will never share that againā I feel like Iām right back to the beginning, completely broken, with a huge black hole where my heart should be.