What my life is like coming up on a year

My title could be mis-leading, but actually my lovely wife died last November 2019. I got thru the year 2020, covid 19 and all so far, (it wasn’t easy). I think of her every day ever wishing she were still here. Life for me is not the same - I don’t think of the things I used to enjoy when she was here. Like others on this site, I manage to put on a face that is getting thru this loss. Well, My son drops by once or twice a month to see how Dad is doing. I don’t want to appear glum, so I do what I can to be in a good jovial mood (of course it doesn’t last). We talk about the early days, go out to lunch and joke a bit. There are times, when I’m with friends and family that I don’t seem to hold up so well, so I make excuses and don’t like long get togethers, because I always wish my wife could be with me (we always went together - I never let her alone in these situations). I feel sad even writing this as I think about her. Yes, I am keeping busy doing things around the house. I live alone, unless someone comes by to say hello (which is always appreciated), but I’m not good company as I was once. I come on this site and read the stories or experiences of others going thru what I had gone thru (in fact still am). I can’t put on a false show for them. I’m not that way! My son sees me trying to put on a happy contented show. (I know it hurts him to see me as I really am, but he’s a good trooper about it, and we both mange to ignore it) I have 5 photos at different times we were together - all I can really say is that I miss her - nobody seems to get that. I know I shouldn’t be so down in the dumps, but every now and then it creeps up on me. A picture, a TV show, a song, an event - can’t just ignore what life offers, but foe me - it’s a REMINDER of someone I once had (yes, it’s coming up on one year yet, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten her - she was the best thing that ever happened to me - she was so easy to get along with. I never stopped loving her and I miss her. I mange Ok but that’s all I am doing now. I’m retired, live alone, but managing. I can say to anyone reading my message - I feel for all of you - Thank you for your understanding! Love to all!!
Herb

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I’m so so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife. Sending love and strength xx

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Hi Herb,
I’m at the same stage as you, it’s coming up to a year in November for me too.
Don’t really know how I’ve got this far, it’s all been a blur, a dark nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
As you say Covid has been thrown at us , which is hard enough for everyone, but when we’ve lost the closest person in the world to us that we feel safe with, it’s been very tough.
I still can’t believe I won’t ever see my husband again or hear his voice and for him to say everything’s going to be ok, I miss him so much it hurts.
Time moves on without them, but we’re just stuck in the moment of losing them , life will never be the same, all we have are our memories that sometimes I smile at and sometimes I break down and can’t stop crying, but we try and put on our brave face around everyone, to try and not upset, and crumble when we’re home.
The rawness is not there anymore, but the deep sadness is with me everyday, and the sad future in front that I try not to think about, but it engulfs me and that’s hard .
Time can never heal, we just get used to living our lives without them, and that is a scary feeling. x

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I’m so very sad & sorry reading your words. You are so spot on time can never heal, time just enables us to carry our losses in a slightly stronger way. Sending love and strength xx

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Herb: “glum”.
“Joke a bit”
“Managing”
“Put on a false show”
“Put on a face”… you are right, the day after day grind for many of us is like that. I hope you have had at least one chance to belt out what you really feel, in real time in the real world . A lot of us are made the way (I’m guessing from those phrases you use) you are. This site is a miracle., true. It helps at times. But it encourages doing exactly what I am doing now in a well meaning but quite futile attempt to chime with what you feel, write a string of apparently thoughtful words in response, when all I really need do is say - no not say actually - not SAY anything. Just listen. No matter what you have to say. Just listen. Sending you the very best wishes.

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Hi I am so sorry to hear the loss of your wife.TI lost my husband 18months and it hasnt been easy either. Ilive alone, no family. Since I lost my husband I have had two emergency operations , took two months to sort out severe gum disease although I go regular to the dentist which I am told is all due to stress never heard that before but since I have heard it to be true. What with all that and the virus being alone. I sold my house in Hampshire with complications, dont ask! sold two cars, my heating packed up two days after my husband died and about 40 other problems sorted out all the funeral arrangements on my own and financial matters. I miss my husband every day. I am undergoing other tests too. I have never been a sickly person but since my loss it has been one thing after another, all due to stress.
I make the best of things but feel very lonely. Luckily I have some lovely friends but life is lonely.
This web site has been such a comfort especially in the early days as it made you feel that you were not alone and that other people are feeling lonely and sad too.
Be strong. Best wishes Sue

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Dear Sue, Your message has made me aware that I am not alone our here. I am so glad I can come on this site air my grievances to someone or anyone. My family is small and of course tired of hearing me talk about my departed wife (whom I miss so much). I have felt the loss of humor and joy (tho I make the efforts). I hope you understand that when you lose someone you loved, it seems things just fall apart in our lives doesn’t it? All we have are memories and thoughts of our loved ones. You must take care of your health and whatever else needs to be done. It took me half a year to sort things out and do the bills, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I used to do these things along with me wife - yes it gets very lonely too. I am coming up on a year since my wife died, and it seems like it’s been more than that. I try to make things easy for myself, but sometimes it’s difficult to regain my old personality. I spotted a few extra gray hairs while shaving the other day, guess that’s another sign of my loss. It makes me sad going the house and finding things like extra toothpaste, tooth brushes, soap and so forth - things she was so meticulously put away. I put up 5 photos of her in the house - just to remind me and family that she was a part of my life once. I know this sounds sad, but recovery (if it exists), takes quite a bit of time as well a part of a person.
As I said I do try each day. I am sorry to hear of your plight and I know you miss your husband and the times you had together. Please know that some of us on this site have or are going thru the same thing as you. My God bless you. Thank you for writing to me.
Herb

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Hi Herb
Good to hear from you.
This site is marvelous as it really helped me in the early days and now too.
Its rotten when your partner is taken away from you ah! Just to let you know you are not alone and its good to write your feelings down as we all understand what you are going through.
Feel free to write anytime it does help! Be strong and brave. This virus situation doesnt help either ah! Life must get better sometime we hope. Take good care and stay safe Regards Sue

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Thank you Benenden, I do appreciate your kind thoughts for me. I can do the best as I can — so far, this year, I have kept myself occupied, but now, this season as I draw near the one year mark, my heart hurts now for the loss of my lovely wife. Thank you for writing to me. Best wishes!
Herb

@benenden I can’t imagine the stress you have had during the past 18 months. It seems as if the world had turned upside down and we are just left hanging there. I have had problems with my teeth since John died and wondered if it was the result of stress so it is interesting to hear what you said. I can’t get a dental appointment for at least 3 months so hope it does not become a problem. Take care and thank you for posting. I feel lonely as well. :broken_heart:

Hi Sorry to hear you have had problems with your teeth too. I am sure its the stress that you have been under. I had never heard that stress could effect your teeth before but since I had the problems I have heard it can happen. I go to a top dentist in Knightsbrige and it was the dentist who told me stress had caused my problems. I do hope you managed to get seen to before 3 months,sounds like my doctors as had problems seeing one! I am sure you will be sorted out once you get seen by a dentist. Its a lonely life now ah! feel free to message at any time it really helps I found it so comforting when I first lost Mick. Take care and stay safe

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@benenden Thanks I managed to get an emergency appointment. He is going to extract one tooth and do a temporary filling on another. All the dentists private and NHS are refusing new patients until next year. As if we haven’t got enough to put up with! :frowning: Take care and also be glad to chat anytime. X

@benenden Did your dentist mention if taking extra calcium would help? Or anything else? X

Sorry to butt in but apparently vitamin D is receiving good publicity at the moment. It’s beneficial to bones, muscles and teeth. It aids in the absorption of calcium and phosphorus. I’m no expert but I’ll try anything once. xx

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@Crazy_Kate Thanks I will also try anything once! I will get both. xx

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Hi I know Vitamin D is good for you. My doctor prescribed me 1000 gr of Vitamin D each day as my immune system was shot to bits due to everything I went through the last few months. The problem was my body couldnt cope with such a high dose and I ended up shaking from head to toe and was told to stop taking it straight away. Just one more problem to add to my long list of problems. I do take a vitamin d tablet some days, some days a multi vitamin. I was told I over dosed on Vitamin D, It could only happen to me!!!

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Hi Glad to hear you were actually seen by a dentist, like you say as if you havent got enough to put up with!. Do not understand why the dentists are refusing new patients!!! just not on!!! I dont understand why doctors are not in the surgery! we have approximately 6 doctors in my surgery and you cant get to see a doctor you are lucky if you get to speak to one on the phone for ten minutes after a three week wait. It makes me laugh when I see the advert on TV saying if you are ill or notice something the doctors are pleased to see you. Thats a joke!! I waited for a ten minute call last Tuesday , waited all morning no call, I phoned the surgery they first said I had missed the call. I sat there so I didnt miss it. Then they said because I spoke to a doctor the week before and was having a blood test this week the doctor didnt think it was worth speaking to me. Nobody took the bother to let me know. Poor service!

Greencat
I feel exactly as you do. I lost my husband will be a year Oct 13. I miss him every day. I also am retired and live alone. Everyday is a challenge. I have a son who is very supportive but it’s not the same. I still cry everyday thinking of all the good memories. I just don’t want to go anywhere as I can’t enjoy anything. I try but I can’t it hurts terribly. It will be a year and it still hurts as much. I know they would want us to be happy but I can’t as I feel I died that same day. I feel lonely without him. He was the love of my life. OCT 7th would have been our 53rd wedding anniversary.
I am trying to take it one day at a time that’s all we can do.
I will be thinking of you and I do know how you feel

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@benenden I will be careful not to overdo the Vit D after your experience. Taking anti depressants alongside my cholesterol tablets I will start to rattle. Take care

I lost my partner 1 year and 9 months it’s the most hardest time I have ever been through, I never thought this would happen to me. I was only with him for 5 years he was my world my soul mate, he had done so much in his life He lived his life to the full, he passed away at 55 years old and we was going to do so much together our retirement was planned out holidays was our love and of course our family.
I have two girls from a previous marriage which they are getting on with there lives. I know they love and care for me so much, but I do just feel so alone.
When my partner passed I was in shock for along time life just passed me by, I now try to live my life for him but it is so hard I feel lost most of the time when I think what I have gone through, I just feel a big wave of grief come over me and ask why? Why did he have to go ? I look at photo most nights and sometimes videos as I do not want to forget his voice, his smile and how he looked. He was my inspiration. Iam so lost without him. As everyone says it gets easier, it does in some ways but I do wake up everyday sad and at a loss without him. One good thing out of this I’ve gained so many friendships and my work friends have been there for me completely.

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