When do you really accept?

It is 54 weeks from my son left this life. The sharp pain is now a constant dull ache. The days are long, the nights longer. I still think I sort of block out the reality. I know in my head he is gone but if I look at a photo I just feel overwhelmed. I ask how can this be real. How do you accept that you won’t see your child again. How do you live without them. I think it has to be like being told you have an illness, there is no cure and you have to live with it until you die. But that would be ok, I could deal with that if my son was living his life. How can I live any sort of life when his had been taken from him. If anyone is further on in this horrendous journey can they shed any light. When and how does acceptance arrive. Love to all xx

Yes Orchard, I do know. To even suggest acceptance seems an affront in the face of such pain. Perhaps you do block out reality. But what is reality to you and all who suffer as you do. Pain is your reality at the moment.
We all on here try to help, but I am more than aware that words just don’t do a lot.
There is no cure for grief and very little ease to be had. As to when will acceptance arrive? I think it may come when we realise there is no other way. It may never come. But I am sure your son would not want his mother in pain.
This is such a personal thing, this process of bereavement, that it’s difficult to know what to say without sounding indifferent.
I can assure you there is no indifference here or judgement. Can I say the pain does moderate. My wife died 10 months ago and the pain is not so much dying down but different. I think it may be that I feel she still supports me from somewhere and this is nowhere near the end of our relationship.
I have not lost a child so I can’t put myself in your position. But grief is grief and it’s something we all share here. I do hope you keep posting. So much help to be had here. Blessings.

It’s been nineteen months since I lost my son and it frightens me when I think how long it was since I last saw and spoke to him…it’s something you never accept but you have to learn to live along side of it…there are times when it feels like it was one big dream and yet when I look at his photos there is a massive yearning to see and talk to him again…it’s such an helpless feeling…I try and be strong and I know Christian would be proud of how I am coping and it is that which give me the strength I need.
We talk about him frequently and can laugh at some of the crazy antics he used to get up to, our house and lives are a lot quieter without him but our love for him is still the same if anything it’s stronger then ever…he will always be with us…
Take care and be strong…Marina xxx

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Thank you Jonathan for your reply. I have read other messages that you have posted on the site and you always have something wise and thought provoking to say. I have a notion you may be right about acceptance, that it will arrive when I fully realise there is nothing else. I do feel my son is close by at times. I often ask him for help and I ask am I doing the right thing with decisions. I have no doubt your wife is close by. I’ve often said my son stayed close to me when he was alive why would he stop now. Take good care x

Thank you marina, it’s good to hear from you. I do try to be strong, I want my son to be proud of me. But then you get people that day to you ‘you are coping so well, I don’t know how you do it’ and then I feel guilty. I question myself, am I not grieving enough, or showing it enough. Like you I talk about my son at every chance and yes we do laugh. And like you I will love him until I take my last breath. Take good care xx

Thank you Elan for replying. I’m so sorry that you are on this journey too. I agree with you that this grief can’t get any less as our love for our children doesn’t diminish. But the thought of always feeling like this is scary to. I don’t see how it is possible to feel any joy ever again. I think grief and fear are very close neighbours. I never realised also how tiring grieving is. It’s physically and mentally draining! I too just like you felt that my son would just walk in the door one day. But that feeling had stopped in the last couple of months. I wish you strength as you continue your journey and send you love from one heartbroken mother to another xx

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Everyone’s words mirror exactly how I feel. It is coming up for a year since I lost my daughter and I wonder if the fact that we are talking about acceptance means that we are beginning to do so?
How can our grief diminish when our love for our child does not is just a brilliant articulation of how we all feel. I ask myself that daily. The thing is I feel the pain of grief connects me to my child. I suppose we have to want to feel better because we are left here living, which we have no choice about, and cannot continue to live in such pain. Perhaps this is when we have accepted our child really is gone.
It is a great relief to talk to you all about this.
Hugs, strength and love to you all. Xx

It’s been a year since I lost my daughter and in still struggling ibfeel stuck in disbelief this has even happened and the wanting to go back and change things. I try and keep busy but i find I feel it’s all pointless when she’s not here with me. I talk about her all the time. She was a incredible young lady and went through so many surgeries in her life.

Hello Dear Orchard, Like Jonathan, I have not lost a child. But growing up I was referred to as “The Little Mother” to my younger Sister. Losing her was losing a part of myself. I am sure you are feeing the same about your son. They were our history, and would have been our present & future, but now we’ve been robbed of that time. I am a year on too, and I find myself resisting the “acceptance.” How can we ever accept that which is totally unacceptable? They were young & vital and had so much to offer the world. I keep asking, “how could this happen?” We put on that mask, and that is why people assume we are “coping so well.” Little do they know, that we are bleeding within. I also get annoyed by the superficial comments of those that only see the outside façade. I know you are suffering, and your loss is beyond anything mere words can describe. My heart goes out to you in your struggle and despair. If it helps, your son (and my little Sister) will never really leave us. If we can just be still, we will feel their presence. Has he come to you in your dreams? That is thought to be a “visit” to let us know they are still hovering about. I wish everyone peace and strength in this difficult journey. Always here to help if I can. Xxxx, Sister2

Does anyone else find that silly little things have an impact out of all proportion? This morning a blowing curtain knocked a vase to the floor. I’ve managed to do a sort of repair and if I position it just so, (not by the curtain!) the repair doesn’t show. It’s a charity shop buy, nothing special, but I like it and it fits the room very well. The point is, I was in floods of tears about a silly thing like that, when in the past, I’d just tell myself it was my own fault for being daft enough to have it by the curtain when the windows are all open.
Since Helen, I feel as if my nerve endings are too close to the surface, so my reactions aren’t quite normal any more. As you say, they didn’t deserve this and I’ve lost all trust in anything, including the future.
Love to all

I am struggling to accept Richard has really gone and gone forever…I have been google mapping some homes and it is breaking my heart when I remember driving once a month to this place to my bank, then do a small supermarket shop, followed by a stop off at the garden centre and pet shop,I even enjoyed this scenic run… the fun and delight of my three - two dogs when I got back home…this is just breaking my heart when I think back to the life I once had, Richard would have probably been out playing golf with his golfing buddies…Oh what would give to have that life back again…

Jackie…

Part of me is wanting to get back towards home but another part is tearing me apart when i google maps what was once my-our, local journeys to various places that i-we, once enjoyed or took for granted, it just breaks my heart to know that these places will never be the same anymore, my circumstances have now drastically changed, there is no Richard in my life anymore, no Richard waiting for me when I get back home, no dogs, all have now gone, why is it only me who has been left?

Jackie…

I think we get caught " between the de*il and the deep blue sea," we now have to move on but we dont want to be faced with the moving on, we all want our old life continuing with our beloved partners by our side, just like we have-had, been doing for the past ex amount of years…we are now forced into a life of " change " a change we neither expected nor wanted to come into our life…

Jackie…

42 months for me I dont think we will ever get better or feel better and we will never accept theyve gone at least I cant envisage a time but who know s it’s a learning journey we dont want to learn lots of love x

Hi Orchard, I lost my daughter 5 years ago aged 23. At first for a long time I was in shock and living in a nightmare. I cryed continuous until I was sick of crying. I didn’t think the intensity of the pain would ever stop. I can now think of my girl and smile. I still have my bad days but more bearable days now. I talk to her everyday which helps. There are no rules to your grief. I would give anything to talk and hold my daughter one last time. Still hard to believe she has gone. Not everyone’s belief but I believe she will be waiting for me when it’s my time and that’s what keeps me going. I will grieve for her all my life but the intensity of it has eased. I am so sorry for your loss and know how you feel. X

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Thank you Michelle for replying to me. I’m sorry you’re on this journey to. So many living with the pain of loss, living without their children. That’s where we all help each other. When we think all is lost it is so important to be able to turn to someone who is further on in this journey and take hope from them. Hope that life will become bearable, livable even. I truly hope so. Take care and thank you xx

Dear Orchard,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I lost my daughter eighteen months ago and have to admit that I still struggle, but I do have some better days now.
I feel that I will forever live my life with an undercurrent of grief. How could I not? I loved her so much and as someone once said ‘grief is the price we pay for love’.
Try and keep posting here because everyone is so understanding, caring and thoughtful and have kept me going through my darkest days.
Take care and much love to you xxx

I’m still finding it so difficult life without my daughter we was together all the time I live and miss her so much I wished we had had more time and to talk. We was talking about getting home from the hospital and then suddenly she took a bad turn and life changed for ever. Her little dog she loved so much has been such a comfort to me but have just been to vets and been told she has mammary cancer. I’m upset because she’s been my daughter care companion and it’s like a link to her.

I’ve sat and cried tonight with just sheer belief that a year has passed already I look at my daughter’s photos and think this can’t have happen and it’s a feeling that takes over my body like fear. It’s hard to explain. I know we all want our sons and daughters back with us. Just getting fed up with people thinking we should be passed the hurt and grief and them saying silly stuff that doesn’t help. Makes me what to scream.

I can feel your pain. My son passed away in my arms on 16th October 2018 and I still cannot believe it’s true. I am absolutely dreading the anniversary of his passing as it’s my husband’s birthday too. How can I celebrate a birthday and at the same time remember the day my son died. I’m torn in half. If i had any answers to sooth your pain I would tell you but I haven’t. Just take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. X

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