When does it start to get easier

[Brokensmurf]

Today is the 4 year anniversary of losing my Dad. Me and my 3 children lived with him, he was my best friend and we spent everyday together. My kids adored him, he was the kindest man you could ever meet, always putting everyone else first.

He got liver cancer, the chemo stopped working and he got jaundice, so the hospital said there was nothing else they could do. He wanted to be at home when he passed away, so I took care of him and made sure that happened, with my brother popping over once a week to see him.

He went downhill so quickly, about 10 days between being up and about to being gone. He just wanted to be left alone with just me and my kids, he got fed up of people coming to see him, he even got fed up of my brother coming round, he just wanted it to be me and him. But towards the end, my brother and my mum took over (my mum divorced my dad 15 years previous)

My dear Dad passed away at home on 6th October 2018. I was with him by his side when he took his final breath. The next day, my mum and brother were there clearing all his valuables out of his house. I honestly thought it would be a bit of a bonding process between my brother and I after my dad passed, sorting through my dad’s things, reminiscing, enjoying the memories. I was very naive and grieving.

My brother took all my dad’s possessions, sold them and kept the money. My mum and my brother felt that my brother deserved more money than me because I lived with my dad, my dad would have spent more money on me during his life. But I got to keep all the things that meant something to me, that had no value to them, the things that truly reminded me of my dad. These things mean more to me than the money.

Me and my brother haven’t spoken since. I feel very alone. My kids keep me going, but behind all the positivity is a girl who truly misses her dad. I still buy things because my dad would have liked them, I watch things on TV because my dad would have liked it, I find myself, still, 4 years down the line doing all this because I can’t accept that I will never hear his voice again, or hear his laugh, or tell me one of his stories, that I’ve heard so many times before, but still let him tell me. I do it because I am trying to fill the void that is in me. No matter what I do I can’t seem to fill the void. My dad took part of me with him when he left and I can’t seem to fill it.

When does it start to get easier? It is so draining trying to put on a ‘face’ because 4 years down the line I should be…normal…whatever that may be.

Sorry for the long post, nobody in my life seems to understand the true grief of losing someone you were SO close with and the void it leaves in your life.

[Coco1]

My dad passed away 30th june 2014, this is the day before my birthday, nobody remembered my birthday. I cared for my dad for 4 years, it’s now 8 years on and I still see things that he would of liked at Christmas and memories of what he would watch on tv, however, I lost my mum 2nd September this year, she died at home in front of me, no other family around. It broke my heart, it’s my mums funeral on friday 7th october, and I am absolutely terrified and cant face having to say a final goodbye, I have videos on my phone of mum, and cant bring myself to watch them, because it hurts so much, however they were personal videos to me.

I can tell you, that with all the loss that I have done through that it never gets easier, you just adjust and learn to carry on. I sit in quiet at night and often find myself talking to my mum or dad and can hear them answer back.
Mum always said look after them while alive cos there is nothing you can do once they are dead.
I was caring for mum and had been since 2019, she had copd, heart failure, angina, asthma, diabetes 2, it was hard work, but I loved and enjoyed the fact that I could give back. I loved looking after my mum, she taught me to crochet and she taught me timings for a Sunday roast. I am very grateful to my mum and dad but i miss them so very much.
Never stop talking about your dad, his memory lives on through you. Grief has no time limit and don’t let anyone tell you different. No it doesn’t ever get easier you just learn to carry on.

[Brokensmurf]

I am so sorry to hear about your mum, I love that she taught you the timings of a roast, that is a special talent and a wonderful memory. I think one of the things I miss most about my dad, is that I could talk to him about absolutely anything and there would be no judgment, no opinion, just love and I miss not having anyone to be that open with anymore

[Claire10]

I’m so sorry to her about your story. I’m only 19 days in (lay my father to rest tomorrow) and already asking the question when does it get easier…

I can not begin to work out how I am meant to put 1 foot in front of the other again like my brother and sister seem to be doing at ease…

I went to bereavement Therapy on Monday evening and was introduced to Tonkins theory and I can see that working for me. Don’t try and fill the void but allow yourself to grow around it.

[sadkitten]

i’m only 9 months into my life without my mom
this post has made me feel like maybe it will be forever

i too feel such a massive void
my heart is so broken

i get it
i was super super close to my mom too
i was living with her and was also with her when she took her last breath

i don’t know how i’m ever going to get over it

i’m sending you big hugs

[Coco1]

You will never get over it, you will just learn to cope with it. I have found that by talking about my mum often and remembering her laughter and her cheeky look when she was about to get up to mischief, or things we did as kids is helping me to cope with the loss of my mum, Its going to be hard for you because she passed away in front of you,

May i ask… Do you feel guilty standing/sitting watching your mum pass knowing you can’t do anything to help? I ask because this is the guilt and anger that i carry with me everyday, my mum told me she was in pain and there was nothing i could do to help her out of that pain or make her more comfortable.

[Coco1]

But you do, just because you can’t see him doesn’t mean he’s not listening, you can sit and talk your heart out, ok it might be hard for you at first but you will find it a comfort to just sit and talk away as if nothing has changed, and if you listen hard enough you may even find you will hear him talking back.

[Sassy76]

I’m 3 years on now and I still have that’s deep cry when it all comes flooding back or a certain memory or music ect

[Coco1]

I’m 8 years in with my dad, I’m 18 years in with my son, 15 years in with my husband, I cry at everything that reminds me of each of them. Grief doesn’t have a time limit, so don’t let anyone tell you any different. However i have found that by talking about them and remembering the good times, talk about them as much as you can, it not only keeps their memory alive but it also helps you to cope with their death.

[christine51]

Hi Brokensmurf

I totally feel it, that ‘void’, the emptiness that can never be filled, sitting with you whatever you do to try to keep busy. It is coming up to the first year anniversary for my mam (25th November). I really don’t understand how I’ve got through a year without her. All I want to do is join her. Everything I do is for her. I created my shrine to sit with her on an evening. My memory tags capture the essence of who she is, what she did, what was precious to her, the words she used. I thought it would bring me comfort but all it really does is remind me that she isn’t here and I will never be able to talk to her again. I spend much of my time thinking of what I should have done. It torments me. Nobody told me it would be this soul destroying.
Mam was the glue that held the family together. She told me what everyone was doing. She celebrated every event in the calendar. She accepted me for who I am and my limitations (I’m agoraphobic). My dad has disowned me because I am so grief stricken. I really don’t understand how he can be that angry at me for loving mam so much that I am broken without her. My sister also just stopped speaking to me and my other sister believes that I don’t want to get better because I won’t take medication. They are all trying to fix me instead of dealing with their own grief.
Take comfort in your love of your children. Enjoy keeping your dad with you in your memories. I wasn’t allowed to talk about mam and had to sit in the garden because I couldn’t stop crying and nobody wanted to get upset. My sisters took what they wanted from my mams wardrobe when I wasn’t there and bagged up the rest for charity. I had to pick my way through her precious clothes to find her favourite things that reminded me of her. I wear her cardies for bed, just to feel close to her. Dad couldn’t wait to buy new furniture and make the place his own. It was like there was nothing left of her, except photos. I can’t even go back to the house to feel close to her.
Like your Dad, my mam was a beautiful soul. I strive to be like her. I try to imagine what she would say and do. I fill in my days with gardening because it is how she spent her time. I went to church for the first time as an adult because she believed (I went to Sunday school). When I am focused on the job in hand I am not crying for her, although I have started crying in public (swimming, the skip) and I am not one for showing emotion in public. It’s like I have lost control and don’t care what people think.
Posting here keeps me going, both when I am feeling desperate and also when I am more upbeat. Posting pics of my garden is like I am giving something back. I have found real friendship here and you are very welcome to join us (‘creating a shrine for my mam’). I can’t imagine ever feeling ‘normal’ again and people who think I should be over it by now are deluded! I will keep mam with me in my thoughts and prayers. I knew she was special but I wish I’d told her and thanked her for all that she is and for the happiness she has given me. I cannot imagine loving anyone more. I hope she knows that. Someone said that every day lived is another step closer to joining your loved one. I try to keep that in mind when I feel I can’t get through the day.
Hope to see you soon. Lots of love, Christine xxx

[Sassy76]

Sadly that’s all we have when someone passes on photos and memories, my mum meant everything to me more than anyone in my life. She was my best friend, my support , and my strength. But three years on I don’t feel like me some days but I fight in for her knowing she is watching me every single day. Dad went sadly 16 weeks after I miss him dearly he was so poorly in lots of ways . But they are both at piece from careers , hospitals and fighting families.
I have nothing to do with my sisters , even though one tries to contact me Im so hurt with how they treated me before my dad died for all what seemed like money and possessions. I do think it’s something I’ll never ever forgive , not making sure I knew my dad was dying so I could be there , I. What I thought the one phone call was my sister being horrible to me yet again. They took my last moments with my dad away . But he knows I lived him very much even though they said things to get him to fo what they wanted.
Then did things my mum didn’t want at his grave , again something I won’t forgive , yet they know what happened ect so don’t understand why it wasent left in spirit not name

[christine51]

Hi Sassy,
Great to see you here, despite the awful circumstances we find ourselves in. Why did nobody tell me how awful it was going to be? I thought mam would be here forever because I just couldn’t contemplate being without her. Like you say, fighting each day to keep going is all we can do, with some days brighter than others. You’ve caught me on a bright day, with lots of pics to follow. It’s because I know peeps enjoy seeing my garden that I post them, and I love to see theirs.
I really can’t understand how families fight when a parent dies, including my dad. It seems to bring out the worst in some people, while I just want to hide inside of my sorrow. Even before mam left one sister wanted the tea set I’d always thought of as mine because we each had our favourites as children. I was really shocked and mentioned it to mam. Loved her response, that she’d mix them all up so there was no sets to fight over. I thought it was a fab idea. The most precious things are the everyday, her cardies I wear for bed, the crochet blanket she I helped make when I was about three. I’d make the little inside squares and she’d do the rest. I keep a little square in my diary and think of her whenever I see it.

It will be a year on 25th this month and I don’t know how I’ve made it this far but I have. And I’ve started to leave behind all the upset of who said what and am able to think of her just as she was years ago, in the everyday, just being with her, not even any special memory, although I have lots of those too. I’m exhausted feeling guilty about not being perfect and beating myself up for things I cannot change. It seems as though some of us have very deep emotional turmoil and others pass through grief more lightly. But you never know what is going on under the surface. Both my sisters are on anti-depressants and there’s nothing at all wrong with that. But they think I should join them and do as I am told. All of the fighting will settle at some stage and we can live in quiet reflection of fond memories. I hope so anyway. Whatever happens around the passing and funeral doesn’t take away the loving relationship we have with our parent, if we are lucky enough to have that. And if your mam and dad is able to see they will see what has occured so you won’t have to carry that burden yourself. While mam was in the hospital I wasn’t allowed any information or to talk her because I wasn’t on the list of next of kin. My sisters were and her sister. I am the eldest daughter. I was heartbroken at how excluded I was about a lot of things. It’s heartbreaking to deal with the details in grief because everything is magnified. My therapist says I beat myself up by holding onto the details and need to live in the ‘now’ and think of mam alongside me, what she would do and say to whatever is happening. I can’t understand why my dad is now not going to scatter mams ashes in her parents’ grave. It was her wish to be with them. She has always said so. I have no say in anything and cannot express an opinion because they are all together and I am alone. So you aren’t the only one.
I’m pleased you’ve joined us on a good day. My down days are horrific. But I’m back in the game and back in my garden so here’s some pics for us all to enjoy.
Was woken early with a delivery of pea gravel so I threw some old clothes on and got to work extending my path up the garden.

All the little fairies are from mam’s fairy dell

and will be housed around the big pond with old toys which takes us into Alice in Wonderland as a theme

I was pleased to rescue the Diana fountain (it really does look like my sister but she is is determined it doesn’t) and hope the pump etc works.

There was lots of lights so I’ve popped them in the sunny bit to recharge.

Think these ones were from the pound shop (not sure) and they remind me of those berries that pop when you squeeze them.

More stepping stones

and I’ve created a snug barbie area at the top of the garden (though it probably won’t be used much, if at all, but looks nice as a feature). We had many lovely Sunday barbs at the old house.

Started extending the path along to the bathtub

and will eventually extend the other way. It’s an ongoing project.
Just realised the time! Must dash and will finish pics when I get back. Surprised that my roses are still budding.
Lots of love xxx

[Sassy76]

I beat myself up trying to except that I didn’t fight harder to stop them , but unfortunately one sister who was made power of attorney was the one who cut me out of slot, the other on the fence for the money and possessions., but still involved.
Eventually mums asks were smattered where is wanted in the sea, waited almost 6months for this to happen. They were sorting her clothes and items the weeks before mums funeral, it deeply sickened me. It’s like they wanted to have a good share out and get rid of things before I realised. I was accused of going to my parents and taking items, I never ever took it was the worse days of my life. I gave my keys to mum and dads solicitor in the end , I never returned to my childhood home.
And when they are passing I shall give them all the evidence of things I bought at the time when mum was passing and she told me to take money to get shopping for my dad , as we all thought he would return home at some point . He never got the chance they put him in care so they could sell our home .

[Sassy76]

Mums ashes

[Sassy76]

It will be my last chance of closure when they pass.

[christine51]

Hi Sassy,
It is truly heartbreaking how our families can behave. You have truth and dignity on your side and remember everything you did was to care for your parents. We never know what is going on until it has happened and then too late to do anything about it. Try to keep your memories seperate to what happened later so that you can take comfort in them. Nobody can take those away from you.
I was a bit confused before when I posted, thinking you’d joined our little group. Hope you liked the pics of the garden. It’s what I do when I’m feeling ok so I can feel close to mam because she loved to garden. Do you have anything you enjoy as a distraction, even for a short time? I find it does help me get through the day.
Lots of love xxx

[Sassy76]

I’m in the middle of Xmas decorating my whole house , mum lived my Xmas decor I’ve gone bigger and better this year for her

[christine51]

Hi Sassy,
I can’t face celebrating xmas without mam. I’ll get a real xmas tree for the garden like last year in memory of her. I’m dreading it.
x

[Caroline6]

I lost my mum just before you lost your mum, 25th august. Her funeral was the 12th September. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I walked beside her coffin. I fell apart when the curtains closed around her and insisted on them being opened. I needed to see her one more time. But I want everything just one more time.
Wow this pain is so real.
Lots of love to you x

[christine51]

Hi Caroline,
I could barely stand or walk and had to be held up during the services. When I saw her at the chapel of rest I wanted to climb in her coffin and go to sleep with her because I couldn’t and still can’t bear being without her. My sister was shocked when I told her about it but I’m shocked that she can’t wrap her head around me needing mam to not have died. It will be mams first anniversary on 25 Nov. I’m dreading it because I am barely getting through the day on a normal day. Nothing will ever be normal again because I can’t make sense or accept she has gone because I don’t know where she is and what is happening and if she is ok. I want to swap places with her so she can come back and continue her life. It doesn’t make any difference if I have a ‘good’ day or not. My need for her and to understand what is happening will never leave me.
I went to church and did feel close to her when they choir were singing. I want her to visit me as a ghost to let me know I don’t need to worry about her, just so I can have some peace. The pain is unbearable. Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Lots pf love xxx