Today is the 4 year anniversary of losing my Dad. Me and my 3 children lived with him, he was my best friend and we spent everyday together. My kids adored him, he was the kindest man you could ever meet, always putting everyone else first.
He got liver cancer, the chemo stopped working and he got jaundice, so the hospital said there was nothing else they could do. He wanted to be at home when he passed away, so I took care of him and made sure that happened, with my brother popping over once a week to see him.
He went downhill so quickly, about 10 days between being up and about to being gone. He just wanted to be left alone with just me and my kids, he got fed up of people coming to see him, he even got fed up of my brother coming round, he just wanted it to be me and him. But towards the end, my brother and my mum took over (my mum divorced my dad 15 years previous)
My dear Dad passed away at home on 6th October 2018. I was with him by his side when he took his final breath. The next day, my mum and brother were there clearing all his valuables out of his house. I honestly thought it would be a bit of a bonding process between my brother and I after my dad passed, sorting through my dad’s things, reminiscing, enjoying the memories. I was very naive and grieving.
My brother took all my dad’s possessions, sold them and kept the money. My mum and my brother felt that my brother deserved more money than me because I lived with my dad, my dad would have spent more money on me during his life. But I got to keep all the things that meant something to me, that had no value to them, the things that truly reminded me of my dad. These things mean more to me than the money.
Me and my brother haven’t spoken since. I feel very alone. My kids keep me going, but behind all the positivity is a girl who truly misses her dad. I still buy things because my dad would have liked them, I watch things on TV because my dad would have liked it, I find myself, still, 4 years down the line doing all this because I can’t accept that I will never hear his voice again, or hear his laugh, or tell me one of his stories, that I’ve heard so many times before, but still let him tell me. I do it because I am trying to fill the void that is in me. No matter what I do I can’t seem to fill the void. My dad took part of me with him when he left and I can’t seem to fill it.
When does it start to get easier? It is so draining trying to put on a ‘face’ because 4 years down the line I should be…normal…whatever that may be.
Sorry for the long post, nobody in my life seems to understand the true grief of losing someone you were SO close with and the void it leaves in your life.