Hi sakina, I’m salma
I lost my husband on sep 18 2020. We were together for 23 years.
I can totally understand where you’re coming from. How do you even explain yourself. To everyone else their life is normal, ours will never be the same.
I feel that people do lose that friendship, somehow I feel empty and also lonely…
It’s a struggle but life has to carry on for us.
Keep strong…
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Hi All, it’s been a long time since I posted, and my heart goes out to you all. My gorgeous, funny, wonderful husband passed away in 2015, after 40 years of marriage. And my heart still breaks, the sun has gone out of my life. We all hurt so much because we loved so much. And nobody, but people who have lost our soulmates, can even begin to imagine what it’s like.
Sakina, and all, I’ve had all the remarks. How are you, stay strong, you’re so strong, take care of yourself (what does that mean). The remark I hate the most is, ‘if you ever need anything, you know where we are’. I learned a long time ago, people do say things which they don’t always mean. Or perhaps they do at the time, with good intention, but … Yes they never follow up. It makes them feel better saying something. And yes, they don’t really want you to answer negatively.
I wish I could be with you all, and I can’t. When the time is right, try to accept every offer of a day out, an invitation to tea, a night out, even if you don’t feel like going. It will not ease the grief or lonliness, but it will distract for a time. And if you don’t get invites, make them yourself. It is super hard, and takes time. Or join somewhere, anywhere,
After 6 years, I have 3 grandchildren, who my husband never met, and I have a good life, and you can feel happiness again. Honestly. I am still, and will always be lonely, but for my husband only. My grief is still strong. We must treasure what we have.
My love and support to you all.
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Omg, this is like me talking. 3 years in, almost . No one bothers really but hey ho, birthday time etc that same old crap ’ thinking of you today’ . I simply say ’ just today?
I did a massive cull of couples friendship groups because of the continued bleating about other half’s, good and bad. If they were nt moaning, they were gushing about their perfect lives.
I simply say to people when they occasionally ask ’ I m great thx’. That stops them in their tracks.
BTW I am very very fortunate to have teamed up with another, a widowower, whom was married to my hubbies sister, they were twins. So we are brother and sister in law. We now laugh, have fun, travel and basically don t really bother about all those ‘friends’
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Hi all again. It is changing the thread of the conversation a bit, but I understand what you were saying Flowers. I didn’t cull my couples groups, but I am not often asked out any more in a mainly couples group. I am the odd one. Yes I go out with the wives, but heaven forbid they should ask me on holiday, or out to a meal. Even though they all say, we’re here for you, or we’re always thinking of you, or whatever, and I have known them for 45 years.
I learned long ago not to say how I really feel. And even ‘close’ friends and family can be really cutting. They just haven’t walked in our shoes. I learned that the only way some people would talk to me normally, was to act okay myself (even when I’m not), which in turn made them feel okay and less awkward. It is very hard, and some people just lack tact and empathy, whether they be friends or family.
To Sakina and all, Keep writing on this site, it gives great comfort to know there are people out there, who truly know how you feel. And even though we can’t be with you physically, we are putting our arms around you and sending our love and support.
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Sakinah I have been left with out my hubby 15 months . When he pasted a part of me went with him we had each other 53 years. He died in my arms snuggled into me. That was a great privilege and will be in my heart forever.it took him 6 years to die 5 of his main organs broke down over that time . He went from a big strapping chap to an old man with bones sticking out and he wasn’t my loving strong happy go luck husband that I knew.But I was determined to keep him at home . He know me to the end even with dementia but I will never forget him every day I wake up he is with me like yours will be.He was 76. I will be 78 in sep and found out I have a very aggressive breast cancer on July 5 it is behind my pectoral muscle too big to get out safe. And a different type in my left one. I had my first chemo yesterday too shrink it. I feel terrible but have promised my kids and 4 grand children I will fight it for them . I sleep and cuddle with his sweatshirt on v shaped pillow with his aftershave smell on it. Before I had my chemo it was behind me in bed and I woke up with a shock, I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck and a kiss, I know you will be thinking she is crackers when I told my kids I got that. But I got strength back and felt he was going to be with me every step of the way I believe it happened and nobody will say it didn’t.Girl you will get stronger it’s early days for you. You will get signs in many forms ,cry if want shout it you want punch the pillows you will get there. Will be thinking about you Big Hugs love Florance if you want to get intouch privately it is ok
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Flowers that is great for you what a inspiration you are after 3 years you go girl. I have had friends I only send xmas card too but now come and visit me good friends befor he passed go to the other side of supermarket not to speak to me. One day I will lob a tomato them lol. Take care and many happy years of happiness big hug Florance
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Yes l say the same, when people ask how l am doing, l answer truthfully, every second every min Different, but in the end, you have to endure on our own, l got used to my own company and a wee dog help, but l will never be happy the way l was with Michael x
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Oh Sheila, that made me cry…’ I used to be important to someone’ …
Tears are never far away anyway but it just touched me and that is how I feel, very alone, yet there are people around but my life will never be the same again.
I miss my husband soooo much and if I am honest I don’t really want to live for years without him but what can we do put get through each day and gave another.
It is18.months since my husband passed and I really don’t think it is any easier and in some ways it is harder. Our mutual friends are couples and I now know that I am very much not part of that circle and they think I just need to get on with things and sitting crying changes nothing. I don’t wish any of them to lose each other but I often think, just wait until this happens to you and then you will understand the utter pain and heartache.
Maybe because we loved so much the pain is also too much.
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My husband would do that when driving and its those little gestures that you miss so much. When people ask I say I try to keep occupied as that is all I can do. After 51 years together there is so much to miss. I recently had covid and thought of how he would of made me feel better by just being concerned & asking did I need anything. It’s knowing that one person who really loved you has gone. It’s 6 months now since he left and I’m getting on with things because that is all I can do. It’s our anniversary next week. I will give thanks for what we had as some people never experience that.
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I could nt believe it that in month 2, I actually received Christmas cards saying ‘happy Christmas and new year’ and obviously with only my name in it.
I can t tell you how angry I was. I actually messaged these people and asked ’ what part of happy would you like me to be’?
I then emailed everyone I knew and said that I wanted no contact with them. ( not family). I couldn’t t stand the empty platitudes and trait comments. I told them that to think of me as a caterpillar going into its cocoon. When I emerged as a butterfly, I might re connect with them, or not. Many I did not!
I then bought a one way ticket to Spain to start my recovery, started running, started writing a book. In this book i have detailed the insensitivity of people, the ridiculous things that they say and yes thoughts of wishing them the same fate. Slowly, very slowly I have found me again, albeit a new version of me. I did return home, ran a half marathon and then got a new hip. I have my 3 boys, grandchildren and my health. I now have the lovely pete in my life,. I have been vaccinating for ,what seems like ever.
Ignore people, be you and take a sigh of relief that you ve had that grief, come through the other side. They still have all this to come
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I think that many people ask how you are because they feel obliged to do so, not because they want the real answer. So they are asking to make themselves feel OK, not you. They want to hear you say “Fine” to get themselves off the hook.
I have the patience of a squashed gnat so when I sensed that this was happening my answer was “Do you want the answer you want to hear or do you want the honest answer”? That sorted out the genuine people from the insincere.
You have to find an honest answer that you are comfortable with. It is fine to say that you are struggling and if people can’t cope with that, it is their problem, not yours.
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I think that is one of the worst feelings, being alone. I talk to my husband every night and it’s been 16 months now. It doesn’t seem to get any easier.
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red1
My hubby passed in April I talk to his photo and kiss him good morning and good night, I am existing no longer living, there is no magic pill to take my pain away and no cure.
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It will, it just take time, lots of time, l held on to Michael for months, but i’m gradually let him go for me, not for him, the grief is immense but after grief it’s worse sometimes is the pain the pain of knowing that they actually have gone and the life you knew it is no longer there, but after a while you look around you and except what you’ve got I take an hour at a time don’t think about what you should’ve had just a think about what you’ve got now. On Writing this I canna realise he is in my head box it’s too painful to get out. I think I couldn’t face whole pain in the end……hugs xx
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To Sakinah and everyone
My partner Sunny died 12th June 2021, in ITU. He was only 57 and it was very sudden. Its very early days for me, I am off sick from work. I am crying alot of the time and the loneliness is awful. As others have said, it’s the special gestures and private language we had, the little touches, the gentle strokes he gave my face, the hand holding in the car and while watching telly, our little glances, our total understanding of each other, going out for a little meal, him saying romantic things in Punjabi to me, the list goes on and on. We didn’t have kids together and he was my best friend, my champion, my advisor, my very practical problem solver, my darling love. I live in a Midlands city not close to my family, so am having to travel to stay with siblings so as not to be alone too much. Even though it’s only 10 weeks since he died, the phone calls have started to lessen and when people ask how I’m doing, and I say I’m tearful and struggling at times, some are asking me whether I’ve “looked at counselling yet”. This is upsetting me because it feels like they think that counselling is another thing to tick off on the road to “getting over it”, and also that my tearfulness needs to be “fixed”.
Anyway, reading about all your experiences on here is helpful. I hate it that some of you are still feeling so lonely years down the line, but I’m reading some posts which make me feel hopeful too.
Lots of love to all
Sophie x
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Sophie, So sorry for your loss of Sunny. Yes it’s very early days and everyone’s journey is individual. I’m 6 months down the line and it is like trying to create a new kind of life. I’ve pushed myself to do things on my own because the other option is staying home. I still feel lonely in a crowd but I have to try. I had been with my husband since I was 15 (a long time) as I retired weeks before he passed away. Be kind to yourself and grieve at your own pace. I think it comes in waves and we are all on that journey. Carol Xx
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Thank you for these kind words Carol. It’s so good to be in a space where I don’t have to explain my thoughts and feelings, because everyone here has their own version of it all, and “gets it”. I know that I’ll keep coming back here for understanding, support and encouragement.
Sophie
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Hi Lotus soul .I can understand how you may be feeling
It appears that nothing has changed , and that we cant move on in our existence
Well that was?how I felt for several years
But eventually I have managed to move forward and create a new life
My house has now become a home and not just somewhere to test and sleep.
I also talk to my wife every night when I’m in bed and blow her a kiss.
For me it’s the right thing?
I dont listen to people asking me how I’m doing as a bereaved person, just a person
May you even5find some peace and calm in your heart and life 
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Hi Mr chipps
Can confirm every word you say. I was exactly like you but suddenly this year I feel ready to make some changes and can cope that much better.
I have been decorating my house recently and it is now becoming my home again. My husband is here with me and won’t be going anywhere. Like you I give him a big kiss but sometimes I tell him off for leaving me with so much of his things to sort through. He loved technology and after over two years I still don’t know what half of it is for.
Today the TV wouldn’t come on. I dreaded that I had knocked something and was checking the many plugs and wires then I looked at my husbands photograph laughing at me and told him to stop his silly grinning and get the TV working again. It came on!!!
They never go away and we don’t want them to and I will grieve for him the rest of my life but we can form a life around that grief. However while sorting through things this week I came across cards we had sent to each other. So full of lovely messages and his poems he always wrote for me. I sat on the floor bawling my eyes out but I realised now they bring pleasure for me to remember.
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Hi Pattidot
Thanks for your lovely kind words.
I can relate to what you are doing , with your home and making it yours and changing things to suit your taste.
If my wife came back, she would be surprised at all the changes
I have modernised the kitchen , bathroom and outside .
But it took me many years, but now its mine with a couple of things my wife bought
My garden has fruit trees and a gazebo
My biggest regret is , that she wasn’t here to share my achievements or hear my beautiful singing voice.or be with me when I took.part in a celebration of brass and voices at the Royal Albert hall, for cancer research uk in 2009 . I would have loved her to have been with me at my university graduation in 1999.
But even though I have been widowed over 20 years, the loneliness never goes away, it gets worse when I’m among couples and married people!!
I wish you well in your future and hope that , your life because more satisfying
Best wishes mr chipps x
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