When people ask “ how are you?”

Coping with bereavement
94

Hi Christine . I have actually been widowed longer that I was lovingly married. Wed 26 years widowed 27 years 7 months
It has been very hard and at times I’ve wanted to join my lovng ife.but she keeps telling me that it’s not my time and that I must carry on

I can understand some of the feelings and emotions that you are having. Grief is a monster and keeps jabbing at us and tries to beat us down . So we have to keep standing up against it and over time, things will have changed in our lives, without us actually realising.

As you mention that have been widowed a very long time and that you cant imagine being widowed yourself as long.

I thought that, and even expected to remarry, but I’ve not met the right person, or the right person hasnt found me ?
So now I’ve come to realise that I wont find genuine love and affection in my life
Before Christine died, she told me ( when I pop off , dont be morbid) because she didnt want me to be morbid . I have tried not to be but I still feel sad and lonely,
but because of counselling, cognitive behaviour therapy and hypnotherapy, I have eventually found strength to move forward in my life and find some happiness? As you say time doesn’t bring them back , nothing will. So we have to try and make a new life or existence for ourselves.
I understand that you cant see how you can live without your lovely Peter, and see past today.
but how do you think he would feel with you having nothing but sadness and despair in your life and daily routine?
I am sad that I cant write anything to help ease your pain and loneliness . Or bring Peter back to you.
About your comment , nothing worse can happen , I beg to differ, but I wont mention them on this site
Best wishes and a virtual hug and kiss on your face
Keith ( mr Chipps xxx

96

Dear sad Christine
Thanks for replying to my message
I hope that my wife will be proud of what I’ve done in my life since her death? It’s been hard for several reasons including serious health issues mental health and the suicide of our son etc but now when my wife died there wasnt anything availableto support young widows?a d widowers
Even Cruse told me that I was too young at 45 to be helped, as they only supportedpeople 60 plus

'm much stronger now and I’ve had counselling , cognitive behavioral therapy, and paid for hypnotherapy. All of which have helped me

I’ve had relationships, but they simply were not the right people on both sides?

Although it’s taken me over 20 years to find some peace, it may not take you anything near that to find peace and comfort? You say that you Peter knows you so well and will be worried a out how you are coping , now hes in heaven?

Have you considered wrong a letter to tell him and read it to him when you feel low and empty.
I was advised by my counsellor to do it and it helped me.!!
Theres no rules about what you say and how angry you get or what you say , its between you and Peter.
It may help you to offload some pent up grief and yes bawl and scream as much as you want?

I hope this message helps you in some way. If you want to keep in touch
Please do so, as we are all on new and very hard and lonely journeys, that are not of our own making, but natures?
Best wishes Keith xxx

98

Hi Christine you certainly have faced a lot of bereavement over a short period of time. This could possibly explain some of the reasons for your very deep grieving and your emotional state of mind ?

When we loss a loved one , we automatically go on auto pilot and face a fight or flight syndrome. This helps us to cope and deal with th trauma of death and do, what we need to do to sort out the funeral etc. I don’t know how I coped with my wife, granddaughter and sons deaths. As far as I recallI simy got on with it
When my son died I was doinga diploma in social science. And used it to help me carry on?

With the deaths of each family member or loved 1 our love for them is very different as is the way we grieve for them
With your love for peter it was unique and probably very deep
But for your parents it was a completely different type of affection?
I used to be a Sanaritan but what I knew was from. My life experiences and personal experience
They taught me virtually nothing at all, therefore I was thinking on my feet all the time .plus I had done several counselling courses and finished with a certificate from o.r.s.a oxford and cambridge A level
This helped me to know what to do and say?

I never really take much notice of psychologists or sociologists about death and bereavement, because as we both know you can only know what’s right by personal xperience ??
I like you planned with my wife that when we had paid our mortgage off we would go on a sea cruise at 65, but it never happened
When I lost christine it came as a shock, she was diagnosed with cancer and told she would have s few months, but she died 7 weeks to the day.
My daughter walked out on me seven weeks after her death and my late son 4 and half months.
So I simply had to sink or swim and I swam for my life.
9months Fter her death I went to college and studied social sciences and 4 years later graduated with .HND
I then went on to do.other courses and learned to read music, play the piano , joined a musical theatre group a d later various choirs

For many years although I had gained educational qualifications, they meant nothing, so I I rarely spoke about them, as they simply didnt matter, besides the only people who gained from them were those I helped

But now I am Proud of what I have done , but I dont have anyone to help me celebrate them ?
So they just hidden in drawers . I have done over 35 years of voluntary work, some I’ve enjoyed, but some like with the Samaritans I didnt because of the sexist management system and people, who treated men as being inferior .
I will start with another charity on friday, supporting people recovering from strokes, to learn to speak again .
.
I hope that my information can help you, but only you can decide whether to accept or ignore it? because we are all unique as people and think and act differently
Take care and stay safe

Sending a big hug to keep you safe
Keith xxx

100

Hi Christine I have done over 30 years in voluntary work.
I injured my back and had to retire at 35 , so I went into voluntary work and it became a way of life and helped keep me sane to some extent?
Yes grief is very personal, as are long term medical conditions. I nearly gave up a few times, because of not either asking for help , or there not being any available.
People arent used to others being bereaved at under 50, so dont know what the younger bereaved needs could be .

I understand you not wanting to think past each day, but in time you may find yourself wanting to and pleasantly moving forwards, without feeling guilty for being alive ?
But only you can decide if and when the time is right, thres no 1 size fits all when you are grieving
Even if others?who are not bereaved believe there is .

Take care and pearn to love yourself , because often when we are grieving we come to believe it’s not the right thing to do
I’m here Christine if I can support you in any way .
If you want my email address or mobile just ask ?
Sending hugs to comfort you . Keith. Xx

101

I just wanted to say, after reading all these posts, what remarkably strong and resilient people you are. You’re supporting eachother through the most darkest times in life and I am blown away by the support you offer eachother.
The care and compassion on this group is truly amazing, im so glad that I found this community - i feel so much less alone with my grief by being here with you all
Thank you so much for all that you share xx

102

Hi Kjat
Welcome and thanks for taking time to write your lovely message I personally have been widowed several yeRsand when I first was , there was not anything to help and support me, so I created a local bereavement support group? Although it only lasted about 18 months we helped bereaved people including myself
But this group offers so much more than we could? And reaches people from all over the u.k
Having a web page is fabulous and can help so many more
Regards Keith :slight_smile:

104

Dear Christine

I could have written much of what you have said in your post. Life is now just so unbearable without my husband. I still send texts to his mobile but of course they are not delivered but nonetheless I have to be able to tell him in different forms how much I love him and how my heart breaks.

Take care.

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105

Yes you are very fortunate to have just been the 2 of you because if you had children, things could have drastically changed.
I didnt want kids, as I just wanted many life with my wife.
But she wanted kids and told me no kids then no me
I chose her and didnt regret it
When my kids were born I immediately loved them and was a loving, caring dad
But our kids didnt have the same cRing attitudes that we did , they were completely the opposite .and when my wife died just got on with their own lives and , within 6 months I was on my own, but with their dogs to look after

My youngest son took his own life 3years after my wifes death, because he had his own reasons, which ì will never know about?
But I’ve had lots of lousy days and lots of good
I have faced major traumas virtually on my own . ( some which I wont mention!! )
I have probably given a whole lot more to others, than I’ve taken for myself ?
I understand what you are saying about not accepting the finality of Peters death .but over time we change in many ways and come to accept many things and changes , without actually realising they have happened

I would argue about Oeter being the best man in the world in your eyes and heart , because to you he was and always will be .As my christine was my perfect pixie!!
Our love for those we have lost never dies, but in our lives and hearts it can become possible to let someone else in without us feeling guilty.

I am not looking for anything special between myself and a lady , just friendship and possibly companionship and sharing hobbies , or mutual interests.
But the longer that I’m lonely the harder it becomes?

When I read many of the texts on here I’m sad for peoples losses and hope that they can move forwards in their lives eventually.
My nieghbour died a couple of weeks ago .she lived twice as long as my wife plus 10 years

Sometimes in the recent past I have wanted my wife to call me to be with her ( as many bereaved people have and will. When they are really low and lonely
My main regrets are that although I have achi5many things in my life, my christine never got to share them with me, or me create and recite love poems to her, or play love songs on piano or guitar

But now I’ve accepted that it’s not my turn and recent events have proved this to me??

Such as my heart attacks, heart bypass surgery, pulmonary embolisms in each lung and prostate diagnosis… so now I will make the most of each day and try to have new adventures . Hopefully with new friends
People mention listening to their loved ones voice on mobile phone messages or wearing their aftershave, or even sleeping in their clothes to be close to them
In my opinion and that’s all it is .
Whatever makes things a lot more bearable for you is right , because o ly you are going through your grief and no one else . So keep doing what ever makes you happier

Christine you mention your rantings, ratings if me reading your messages and replying using my own life experiences and life skills helps you cope . Then keep them coming ??

I didn’t have anyone there for me, and I’m glad that I can be here and support others, who are on their new lives journeys
I was too young for support from Cruse and most people either changed the subject , or cowered away from the words about death!!
Take care. Hugs Keith xx

108

Don’t stop posting Christine
Sometimes just the fact of knowing that other people are going through the same stuff, thinking the same difficult thoughts, carrying out similar rituals etc etc, is in itself helpful to read about. From reading these posts I now know that the things I do “isn’t just me”. I send Sunny a text every day or so. I talk to him as I potter round the house. I put my feet in his shoes and just stand there for a couple of minutes…things that I’m not embarrassed to admit to on here but which non- grieving friends and family wouldn’t necessarily understand.
Love to you and all of us x

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110

Sending much love your way xx

112

Hi christine I’ve read your message and it shows to me that you are deeply grieving for Peter. I understand that to you he could never have done wrong, and more than likely never did
Basically you have put him on a pedestal and are living your life through him
You mention that people have told you that you wont move on until you accept that hes no longer alive in your life
This is true and will probably come to you after about 2 years of his death?
Because your heart and mind will naturally guide you as part of the healing process and will tell you to begin to accept he is in heaven, and never going to be in your life on earth? Only you can decide whether to stop posing on here or not? I wont say anything either way
I have stopped posting on here unless I get a message to me
A lot of what I read is how I may have felt many years ago in my early times of bereavement.for me life is very different and although I am often lonely, I have moved on in my my life
I care about people and am happy to support them if I can?
Because no body supported me when I first needed it and I therefore can understand some of the emotions and heart ache they could be feeling . Take care Keith xx

114

Christine I am here to guide you, as long as you need my support
Yes you are right about having to find your own way in your own time

I’m going to ask you a very important question
I hope that it doesn’t upset you?

You say that you have been bereaved around 18 months, so please ask yourself. who are you grieving for
Peter or yourself . as I was asked it many years ago ??

116

Hi Christine only you can decide as it’s your heart thats broken. But perhaps you can heal iitvif you try to have happier thoughts a bit at a time xx

117

Hi Mr chips. Mark I have read all your posts to Christian . You have given me a new reason to keep fighting. I was married53 years and will be 78 this September. I am in deep deep water but I think I can see the surface. I have breast cancer 6 weeks now and they are trying to shrink it with chemo. The side affects are horrible and taking its toll on me. When I read your stories and I feel I know your life, it has been so encouraging. I won’t be alone 20 years., but 16 months has broken me more than I can say. But I will fight on and learn on my journey. The loneliness is a big factor and I carnt drive with chemo every day but when I do I think of myself as in my 40s and with my darling husband next me and I love it. Like Christine I think of him when we where young and doing things that I laugh at and videos when I can see him laughing and breathing. Thank you so much remember the song. I will survivor I will big hugs Florancexxx

118

Hi Florence thanks for your kind words and telling me that I’ve given you a reason to carry on fight your cancer.
Whatever you feel is right in your heart and mind is tight for you., no matter what others think pr say, because theyre not living with your cancer or Hurt and loneliness

They cant see how you feel inside, or what turmoil you are going through every waking hour

I am moving on tomorrow with a new chapter in my voluntary work, because I am will be supporting people who have had strokes to learn to speak again .
It will be the 1 st time I have driven in 6 weeks

Like you Florence , driving is a lifeline for me and gives me some freedom.
Because I have been on my own such a long time, some memories are sketchy
But I can recall how first met and I though wow shes lovely and how 2 days later, I Sked her to marry me .
We got married 28 months later age 18
And she sent to be with the Angel’s 28 years later age 45

Best wishes mr chipps the poet ( Keith ) xxx

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119

Hi Keith
I hope that you are finding your new charity work rewarding
I was talking to a friend about what you said about the pedestal and was really touched when they said that my lovely husband deserved his pedestal.
I don’t honestly think I’ve ever lived through my husband, we were a partnership and shared a stronge and loving bond
I hope that I will find myself again one day because that’s the person that my husband knew and loved.
It will just take me a while because wakening up to find my darling stronge husband stollen from me, haunts me and always will.
Will close for now, take care
Christine xx

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120

Hi Christine
nice to hear from you again , yes i went for the first session and was chatting to a man who had a stroke earlier this year . he is struggling with his memory, but thats all part of Aphasia
we all put our loved ones on a pedestal, when we loss them unless we had a bad and nasty marriage as some people stayed together un an unhappy marriage for several reasons

i understand what you say about being a partnership and that is very important in a healthy marriage. it was love at first sight for me ,with my Christine , and i still love and adore her now, but because of the time, that i have been bereaved, i have moved on and changed my life . its not been easy at times , but i had to
only you can decide if you want to move on and find the new you and a new life? life has a way of helping us to change and move on, without us actually realising it . i know what you mean about waking and fining that Peter is no longer alive and taken away from you, leaving you sad and very unsure of which way to turn?

i have decided that in future i am only going to answer messages to me, as i am finding that me messaging new members and others is not helping me, and sometimes bringing back sad memories

But i am here as long as you want to chat with me
take care and try to keep strong, if you can?
Keith xxx

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121

Hi Keith
I’m pleased to hear that you are finding the stroke charity rewarding
I can perfectly understand that after so many years and having been able to move on to a new chapter in your life that to continue with posts could be a backwards step for you.
Take care and I wish you well with what ever comes next for you
Christine xx

122

Hi Christine
Yes think that I may get a lot out of my voluntary work with the stroke group.!! I have read a lot of messages on here and they mainly say the same things, which are all very normal for people on their new journey of bereavement . I’m going to join a new singing group on Monday as I need to get my singing voice back to how it used to be?

Music is big part of my life and has helped me loads
I wont be going back to the choral society this year, as it will be all Christmas stuff and Christmas is not a happy time for me .
Although I am now waiting to heR when I am to go for an interview for the grotto in Doncaster.
Working in the grotto helps me to make families and kids lives a little happier, as I’m a brilliant santa and have lots of patience especially for sick kids.

Hopefully now things are opening up, I will be busier and have a more fulfilling life
Take care and remember I’m here if you want to chat.

Here is a special poem for you from Peter

For me my christine please,dont cry or shed a tear.
Because in your heart and mind ,I will always be near
I have gone to live with, the Angel’s and past family with love
But I will watch over you, daily from heaven high above

I didn’t want to leave you so quickly or leave the earth plane
Please smile in the knowledge, that one day, we will be reunited again
I am no longer sad and in any pain at all
And life with you, was nearly always a ball

Peter your own special loving superman
Who moved you as much as any man can
So my darling please try to have a special loving and happy life
From peter your husband in heaven, to Christine, my adorable wife
xx

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123

Dear Keith
What a lovely poem thank you from the bottom of my heart
So very kind and thought full of you.
I’m sure you will make a brilliant Santa
I hope your new choir brings you much contentment.
Yes there is a lot of sadness here and can be quite over whelming
I’m sure that you have given a lot of comfort to many people here.
I have appreciated your advice
I will print your poem out so that I can read it when I am too sad
Thank you so much once again
Take care
Christine xx