It’s 2 months tomorrow since I lost my Harry and while every day is so long and empty the weekends are unbearable. I accept invitations to go out but feel like I’m the grim reaper and can’t get home quick enough to cry. It’s just so unfair. I so miss our weekends in our caravan and sitting outside enjoying a cuppa watching life go by. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the caravan. I’m not sure I can face it on my own .
So sorry for your loss, my husband died 23 weeks ago and I know how unbearable the grief feels, I don’t think that gets any easier I think we just learn to live our lives differently, for me Monday’s are the real hell, family and friends keep me busy all weekend, I don’t have time to brood, but then Monday comes around and people are back at work or doing the school runs etc and the day stretches endlessly before me, my dog is my saviour at these times, regarding your caravan don’t make any decisions till your ready, it’s so easy to make snap decisions when we are so emotional and then regret then later. Take care Jan
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Hello
The thought of doing things on our own is unbearable. We have a holiday apartment in Devon - so around a four hour drive away and we used to have such fun on the journey. Gary seemed to picnic all the way - and the glove box of the car is still filled with his frutella sweets. I cannot see me going there on my own despite the fact that we both loved it so much. My son and his girlfriend have said they will come with me - but we used to go every few weeks and they could not do that nor would I want them to. I am not ready to get rid of it as he loved it so much and we thought that once I retired we would be down there for a month or two at a time. That is never going to happen and that makes me so so sad. However, I do not want to do anything rash so may consider renting it out when I am strong enough to sort it out. But I think that is a long way off.
It is still nearly only five weeks since I lost Gary and I have either my son or my daughter here at the weekends. With me it is the Monday mornings when they are back at work. Then I have to keep busy or I just spend the morning crying. I find photos and music are just too painful.
You replied to my earlier post about going back to work. I feel it would help me to fill my days but really cannot face the people yet. My Dr is signing me off in two week periods and whilst I am not ready to return this week - I am hoping that after the next two weeks I will be ready.
It is so so hard isn’t it. I know I would be better trying to focus on things other than how I feel and Gary would hate me to be so unhappy- so I think I have to get back to normal, or as normal will be from now on as soon as I can. But we all know that is much easier said than done and some days the grief is unbearable.
I try not to think of the future without him - just like I try hard to not to think of how I lost him.
Take care
Trisha xx
Hi Princess. It’s too early to make decisions. It took me six months since November last when I lost my wife before I could decide on anything. If you sold the caravan now you could well regret it later when you begin to feel better. Oh yes, it does happen, hard as it may seem at the moment.
Doing anything that reminds you of the times you had together can give so much pain. But memories will come and go and we should try and accept that.
I know, going out and meeting people you may have known together is very hard. Going to places you went to together is also hard. I have made myself go, even though at first I felt so sad and tearful. But gradually I have found the people to be so kind and now I almost look forward to going. I try to get out to what was our favourite café where they know about my loss, and the girls there are so kind. There is still so much kindness out there in spite of what we may feel.
Of course on here it’s different. There is no substitute for experience even though it’s unwanted. I find coming on here, and maybe helping someone else come to terms with this awful business, is helpful. When I say that it’s not being selfish. It’s a fact that in helping others we help ourselves. I often think the Good Samaritan may have felt better helping the injured man. Doing anything with genuine love has got to be right.
Yes, weekends are indeed the worse. Going out was such a pleasure then and when the sun was shining it was even better. I live in the countryside and even going out into the woods we used to walk in is painful, but I do it because I feel my wife is with me enjoying nature as she always did.
Take care. Blessings.
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Trisha, go to the holiday apartment and give it a go, you might draw some comfort being there. We have allotments one each next door to each other and when Brian died I couldn’t bear the thought of going there. It’s only a ten minute walk so five days after his death I went there. I stood on the plots just looking around, trying to get some sort of sign that I would be able to keep them. Brian loved the allotment. While I stood a lone Bee came and flew around me and this was surprising as it was November and they are tucked away asleep then. Brian loved the bee’s and helped the Bee keepers. If the name of a person who dies is told to the Bee’s they will carry their sole with them. So this lone Bee that landed by me meant something to me. Was it my Brian giving me strength to carry on alone. Two weeks later another Bee circled me and even hit me up the side of my face. I have many times had a Robin land very near and just watch me as I work. Yes, I do believe my Brian is with me and even talk to him as I work. So who knows give it a try and see how you feel. I use gut instinct.
Love to you Pat xxx
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I’m a bit different to most as I don’t dread weekends. To me they are just another day. I usually do something that I enjoy doing but do know what you mean about invitations. I have turned down many as I can’t trust myself to be a happy soul. Will I crumble in company. Sometimes like you I just want to walk into my house and let go. Release the tension.
About the caravan. I have already replied about how I felt when I had to decide if I could carry on with our allotments. I actually found them a great comfort and excellent therapy. So make no decisions as yet and then give it a go if you can manage on your own or perhaps someone could go with you. We used to camp but there is no way I would want to do that now. I think you will know eventually if you can cope or not. I see how I feel and go from there. Best of luck Pat xxx
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Dear Pat
I love your story about the bees. I love bees too - the edges of our patio are surrounded by beautiful purple campanula and that attracts the bees. It is a bit wild but it is such a beautiful colour I am happy to leave it. I will have to talk to them when I am out there. Not today though it has rained heavily all day. We have a robin that would sit very close when we were clearing the back of the garden. He disappeared for a long time but we have a robin back now.
If the holiday apartment was only an hour away I may be thinking differently but it is the thought of a four hour drive on my own. Not that I mind driving but it is a bit of a marathon on your own. But Gary so loved it - he called it his penthouse (I am more modest and call it the flat). We have beautiful sea views from all the windows bar the kitchen - which looks out over the town and the harbour and in the distance the tors of Dartmoor. We just let family and friends use it when they want to get away as we have always loved it too much to rent out. I will try and see how I get on - and will sort out a visit when I can. The couple we bought it from have become friends - and she has popped in to make sure it is all OK until we can get there.
I write in a journal every night - that was something that was suggested on the forum and that helps. I doubt I would ever be able to read it back as it becomes such a scribble. And I talk all the time to him. Just cried my eyes out shredding some old paperwork - stuff that I had sorted out ages ago but was sitting in a bag - His name on so many letters and statements was enough and I felt so wrong shredding it - how daft is that - but I fear I am somewhat irrational at the moment.
We had an enormous fox in the garden today - which explains the odd hole that has been burrowed under the pampas grass. I know they are supposed to be vermin but they are so beautiful I am happy to leave him there. I think he is only visiting.
So grateful for your reply - it means a lot. Sending you a big hug.
Take care
Trisha xx
Getting rid of stuff was the hardest thing. How I cried. One of Brian’s hobbies was photography and he had literally what must have been thousands of photo’s. I have had to get rid of them, or at least most of them. I took them to the allotment and burned them along with all the paperwork. Brian got rid of nothing and had twenty years of bank statements, letters, pay slips. In the loft was old paperwork from before we married thirty years ago. I felt as if I was burning his past and felt so guilty.
Rained here all day also. We get so little rain we allotment owners love a day of rain though, but I haven’t managed to get warm.
Take care of that Robin it could mean something. It certainly does to me.
Yes Bee’s love the colour blue. They can see blue but not always other colours, or so I am told. At the allotment we grow a lot of blue flowers to encourage bee’s.
Yes, don’t rush in making a decision about the holiday ‘penthouse’. It’s such a big decision. Perhaps letting it as a holiday let for a while might be the answer. I agree about driving. I don’t think I could drive a distance at the moment. I am just getting used to driving again but stay local. Ridiculous as I have been driving for years but confidence seems to be limited. Or just can’t be bothered.
God bless Pat xxxx
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Hi Trisha
I know what you mean about getting back to normal. I’m still off work too but have started thinking about going back. I worry the longer I’m off the harder it will be but also I worry about having a meltdown. Seems this grief keeps us on our toes and is so unpredictable. I’ve been thinking a lot today about the caravan while I did a huge pile of ironing and I think I might go for the day and just see how it goes. Everyone is right though I don’t need to decide just yet. We had paid our fees for the year back in January.
Thanks for your help and sending hugs x
Thank you for your reply - I am sorry not to have replied back to you sooner. I think grief has left me unable to make a decision - I am not usually a ditherer but if I believe anything is going to cause me concern I just bury my head in the sand.
I have a list of things I need to tackle on the phone tomorrow - all are going to be difficult and I just want to run the other way. So if I can tick two of them off I will be pleased with myself.
I think you are very brave to face the caravan - but think you should go with someone and not on your own. As you say no decisions necessary yet for either of us. Let me know how you get on with everything.
Sending a hug back.
Trisha xx
Hi Pat
Sorry for not replying - I don’t know where the time has gone today. But I did get the new car today - and even driving back from the garage just felt so much better that I am now driving something I can trust.
Well it was certainly a day for gardeners here yesterday and again today. Not sure when I will get in the garden - maybe tomorrow if it stops raining and it dries out a bit.
So I did not do any more sorting out today - but am going to do his shoes tomorrow and try and get in touch with the salvation army and arrange to take some there.
Son went home tonight and daughter is away - so I am on my own tonight. The house feels very empty and the cat was meowing a lot - I think he is stressed too. Mind you he has just been sick on the carpet … too many treats I think.
We are not permitted to let the flat as a holiday let - so it would have to be for a minimum of 6 months - so will need to think about that quite hard. I will take advice from the children - but they just say do whatever you are comfortable with mum… so will take your advice and wait a while.
I need to go to battle over something tomorrow - and that is where I seem to have lost confidence. I will do it but I will probably back down if I think I have to make too much of a stand. Well we shall see.
My son - another hoarder - is saying to me you cant throw that away … I have suggested just taking photos and keeping the photos - think I will just have to do it on the quiet !!
Robin was back today - front of the house on the hedge looking in. Definitely got a message from gary on the way to change the car…
Take care
Trisha xxx
Hi Trisha, sounds like your keeping on top of things. Seems never ending at first and time consuming.
I thought about getting another car but I have had this one from new and only done 5,000 miles, so little, seems a shame to get rid. We didn’t do many miles after we retired as we are very near a bus stop and have buses every twenty minutes so we found it easier to just jump on a bus. Not as if we can go very far here anyway.
Yes, the rain is most welcome by us gardeners, but not if it goes on and on. We don’t get too much rain in the very south, especially on the Island it seems to go over or around us all the time. It was certainly different when I lived in Shropshire.
Last year was a nightmare as we had months and months with no rain. I almost gave up with my allotment.
Look after that Robin it’s definitely visiting you for a reason. I get so excited when I have one visit me.
Take care
Pat xxx
It is 7mths 2 weeks since I lost my Dave like many on this site we were married for 52years My Dave was a very social person we always had friends and family round. They all still come round but somehow I feel guilty as Dave is not there telling one story or another, and they seem to think I am coping well as time has passed. But I am finding it harder as the months go by. It would be nice if we all could meet up I realise this is impossible but only husbands or wives who are going thru the loss can really understand Lots of hugs to you all Queenie
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This was my first weekend home… since my husband passed away on 13th May… i cried twice during the day just from little things. One was driving through the town centre knowing that we won’t do that anymore. Had to park the car and cry. I am taking extra shifts on the weekend too keep me busy and give me a little focus for a few hours…
I put his jewellery on today and even took out his t shirts… that was tough.
Also its make me laugh at the stupid questions. people are asking me about major decisions… what am I going to about the house overseas
…
My mother told me do not make any major decisions for a minimum of 6 months… that is a good rule for me… … so when people ask I just say I don’t know… .
Just my thoughts
I think you are doing so well. I cry all the time when I am driving. I thought I was doing well today until I emptied a bag that had some of his receipts in from when we had been out for a meal. They made me cry - and you just keep thinking or saying how much you miss them. As you say it is the little things.
I have been wearing his watch - daft really as it has not been working. He had if fixed about a week before he died and was so pleased to get it back. But now it wont work again - but I wear it any way as it keeps him close.
I wanted to make all sorts of changes but my my mind changes all the time anyway so your mother is right. The only thing I did was change my car - but that was because the other one was not reliable!! That was a good decision.
I have not gone back to work yet - so for me the days are all the same. But I did keep LBC on most of the day today - rumbling along in the background.
Take care and sending you a hug
Trisha xx
Hi Pat
I took advantage of the little bit of sun today and spent some time tidying the garden. The robin was back too.
I feel much better about the new car - I can trust it - unlike the other one which was only a year old but just kept letting me down. This one is more basic and smaller but is still nippy and it is nice to think I can park on a sixpence again. I drove to Gatwick tonight to pick my daughter up. Flight was delayed of course so we have not been back long - but I did enjoy the drive.
Driving across London tomorrow to my sons - so hope my faith in it is justified.
Take care
Trisha xx
Hi
So sad the loss of your Harry. I lost my Mike 16 weeks ago and feel just like you. I go out every day with friends. I have no family and are totally alone and lonely even when I am with friends. I have a place in Hampshire and haven’t been there on my own since Mike died, just can’t face it. I have put it on the market as can’t keep it now. I miss going to the house at weekends like how you feel about having a cuppa with your Harry at your caravan. You are not alone and if you want to chat please do, Take care love Sue
Lbc is my go to radio station as well…
Hi Trisha
I think you are doing so well. Driving across London !!!. I have become so lazy about driving. I just jump on a bus and then sit crying as I stare out of the window. Only use the car about once a week now, if that. Can’t imagine driving to Gatwick that would bring back some memories of our holidays.
I was wondering when you saw the sun and then noticed the time you sent the message. I worked on the allotment on Saturday. Digging up the first of the tatties and broad beans. Today I got soaked while over there picking more veg. So stuck indoors, feeling totally fed up. Having visitors this afternoon so that will make a change.
Treasure that Robin, he’s keeping an eye on you.
Pat xxxx
Hello Trisha. I have worn Brian’s watch since the day he died. I put a raincoat of Brian’s on this week and in the pocket was a shopping list. Just odds and ends he liked to be in charge of buying. I have it pinned up on the kitchen wall Like you say keeps them close.
Love Pat xxx.