10 weeks in and i still can’t get my head around the fact Jane is coming home.
Doesn’t matter what im doing im always expecting Jane to come in through the door showing me her bargains from the shops and moaning her feet ache.
I miss all the little things and i just so wish she was still here. Why i can’t seem to accept that she’s gone, i keep looking at pictures on the wall and can’t believe she has been taken from me. The pain is getting harder to take and i can’t see an end to it. She wouldn’t want to see me like this but i just can’t snap out of this living hell 
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@Narna I’m so sorry for the loss of your Jane.
Ten weeks is still early days and grief is not something any one of us will ever snap out of. I wish it were. It is day to day and accepting the loss has no timetable. Grieving is a long hard journey none of us ever wanted to take. I’m 6 months in and I sometimes feel it was yesterday and other times it was an eternity. Accepting your loved one is no longer with us can seem impossible but it will come. It won’t ease the pain but is a necessary step in rebuilding this life we never chose. Keep posting you will find support.
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Thank you for your kind words Mike.
Yeah that seems to be the hardest part in accepting Jane has really gone, it’s really draining emotionally which is why im writing this at 2am as i just can’t settle and sleep.
Without sounding like weatherman the forecast isn’t too promising with the pain and disbelief lasting many, many months. I dread to think how my life will shape itself minus the most important person
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@Narna Grief is about wanting your loved one and your life together back and it is exhausting. It makes you tired but stops you sleeping.
It is best not to focus into the future far as we do not know what life is going to throw at us next. Few of us ever thought we would be on this site. One year ago today my daughter gave birth to our second grandson. We held him and my wife Diane was overjoyed and looking forwards to the future with him. Six months later she died of Covid. On Friday it will be that milestone for me. The grief is still strong and is part of our lives and we build our new lives around it. We are all different and we must all find our own way. I allow grief it’s own time each day and find this helps. The experience of others further along this path on this site helps to give me hope that we can survive this loss. Keep posting as you need.
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I’m so sorry 
I’m exactly the same I know Bry isn’t coming back ( in my head ) but at the same time I still cannot get my head around him not being here and being taken away so suddenly.
I’ve been to see my mum in the care home today for the first time since Bry went ( 5 weeks today) . Was so difficult & I needed that Mum hug ( she doesn’t know) and boy did I cry but I had to do it not just because I miss her, but also the guilt of not seeing was just adding to that crushing feeling in my chest I have daily.
I’m really really not sure how long I can keep doing this. Every day seems to be getting harder without my gorgeous best friend by my side 
xx
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I know pollyjanew it just seems to get harder and harder as the days pass, im really and totally lost not knowing what i should do next, i know i cant keep going like this but i cant see a future without jane. Yeah i could go back to work but that wont make no difference i will still have to come back to an empty flat after hearing what and where the people at work have been doing with their partners. If i go to the doctors he will end up having me sectioned if i tell him of the thoughts im having. I even thought of clearing the whole flat of janes stuff to see if that helps but i know deep down if i done that i will regret it straight away.
Every night im ending up sobbing my heart out wanting Jane to come back i can feel it building up inside throughout the day.
The person i want and need the most right now is the one person who i cant see or hug. I cant even live day by day at the moment and im just existing from one hour to the next.
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I hear & get you today I’ve really struggled I’ve cried & shouted at Bry to just come & get me and I’ve said out loud I want to die continuously, so I think I’d be sectioned with you if I spoke to my doctor. Also they will just put on pills that will mask the grief rather than try & deal with it .
If one more person who has. It gone through this tells me I’ll get there I’ll scream !!!
I’ve got my first counselling session on Tuesday but I’m thinking of cancelling as I think it’s just too soon after 5 weeks ? 
xx
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Apparently according to Mind i don’t qualify for counselling, as if an attempt on your life and the sudden loss of your partner isn’t bad enough for counselling.
Im the same i keep begging Jane to please come and get me or to come back home even though i know those two idea’s wont happen.
It was 11 weeks today and i still feel no further forward infact i would say i feel worse but i think that maybe because i had to sort the funeral and paperwork. Now everything is done and the people that supported me are slowly drifting away one by one, although is a double edged sword because if one more person asks me how im doing now 
Maybe Jane will answer my calls, i really do hope so:sob:
The same !!! I hope one day soon my time is ready to leave this life . I feel like a burden to my kids and I don’t want to be . I know it would be awful for them & maybe there is no after life but I’d happily take my chances as even if not I would not have to live with this pain so win win for me ……
It’s a friend of a friend that’s offered me free counselling that’s the only reason I’ve bef. Offered it xx
I feel the same, keep being told that Jane will show me a sign… still waiting and maybe its because i dont believe in an afterlife but if it means i have got one shot at being with Jane again im sure as anything that i will give it my all to find out. I know my son would feel terrible but long story short he lives with his mum and not alot of contact. My parents are quite elderly, mum wont thank me for saying that 
But i do feel that everyone is seeing im not coping very well and maybe if i was to go then the burden of worry would be free of them. Just wish so much that i could cuddle up to Jane and fall asleep happy and content
I feel the same . My kids would be so devastated but in the the long run they would be able to get on with their lives . I’m only going to become a bigger burden I feel xxxx
The worst time of day is trying to go to sleep but just laying in the dark trying to make sense of where has Jane gone and why has she gone we should of had at least another 15 or 20 years together instead im destined to spend that time alone, i so wish she would come and get me
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That’s exactly what I’m doing now, lying in bed wondering where is he? How can he really be just gone? It’s been six weeks now and I still keep asking myself how the hell did I end up here? It doesn’t make any sense to me
I know I will never be able to make sense of his death because there is no sense to it all so I don’t know why I keep trying. My brain won’t let it go though I’m seriously sending myself around the bend but I don’t know how to stop it.
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@Narna just how I feel I’ve just come to bed but I put the tele on as cannot stand it otherwise . Eventually I drift off only to wake up for the nightmare to begin again . I wish I could go just as quick as our soulmates were taken xxxx
It’s because we were robbed , it does not make any sense at all . Nothing makes sense . It’s cruel & it’s heartbreaking and I wish I could be positive for us all but I just want to sleep & not wake up . I wish I could be taken as quick as Bry was xxxx
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Thats what im like my brain just wont make sense of it all, id of thought after 11 weeks some of it would start to make sense but i feel just as helpless and alone as i did when this nightmare began, im not sure im ever going to get my head around this.
As horrible as it sounds i think if i lost my parents i could cope with it as i would have my own little world to keep me going but Jane was and still is my world but its been ripped out from beneath me and now im left with nothing, just a total emptiness, cant see how you even begin to rebuild from this and if im honest i dont want to rebuild another life, my life and my being is no longer its just existence until my time comes
This last week I’ve really, really tried to do things and see people because I have pushed people away up till now but everytime I do I end up feeling lost, empty, vacant and on the verge of tears and I just want to go home I never in my life thought I’d ever feel this way. Now I know life is going to be constantly plodding along because I have no flipping choice 
I can’t help but wonder what we’re going to be like a year from now, will we look to the future with hope or will we still be pining after our loves?
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Can put me in a room of people and i will still feel lost and alone.
I cant even get my head to think of a year from now im struggling to see the next day which i know will be the same as the past 11 weeks.
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I lost my dad 6 years ago in August & it was hard ( I was a daddy’s girl ) it probably took me 3 years to not cry at times & I know my kids are grieving but after losing Bryan I know the grief of losing my dad feels less severe as losing half of you when your partner goes is beyond horrendous. So although they are hurting & this sounds SO VERY SELFISH BECAUSE THEY ARE AMAZING but sometimes I want to scream out but losing a parent isn’t as bad as your partner !! Which of course , to them, right now it is because they have not been through losing a partner - another guilt I have to deal with - they have both lost the most important man but all I can think about is my pain xxx
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