I lost my dear Husband just 5 months ago on the 25th July,. Just feeling so lost now without him here with me.nearly Christmas, put my Xmas tree up… family helped, hard to go through though .but it cheered me up, got my little Grandkids to keep me going, lonely time on your own, after 40 years together, I wish everyone a blessed Christmas,. X
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So much of this message is exactly how I feel. Ted passed 9 months ago after 51 years together. I was his carers for 10 years and it took up a good part of my day but despite his problems he was the easiest, amazing person to be with. I miss him so much and any little thing can bring tears I’ve taken everyone’s advice and joined groups, made new friends and go out when I can but it doesn’t really make any difference or help. Only hope I can manage to get through Christmas without getting upset. I have to put on a brave face for the grandkids but it will be very hard. Hugs to all on this dreadful journey.
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Dear Trixie, it’s still early days, I lost my partner of 12 years 18 months ago too, but having lost my son 19 years ago, I know everything I’m feeling is okay, some days I cope, others, I don’t want to be here, and then there’s other days when I’m just on auto pilot, grief takes time, sometimes it’s just getting through the next hour, some days it’s being so tearful, other days a feeling of despair and loneliness, it’s the price we have to pay for love, cry those tears, they cleanse the soul, rejoice in any joy, sending you a hug
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Trixie1
I am in a similar position as you and feel your pain.
I am finding it more difficult to cope with as time goes on.
I feel helpless because I can’t give you any constructive advice.
I lost my partner of 30 years…Jean…in April 2021.
She was terrified of catching COVID-19 as she suffered with COPD…
Ok I said… I am self employed I will sit this one out…shop online and we will take care of each other.
Got all the through until April …COVID-19 free to wake up to find her on the bedroom floor dead…I tried all I could to bring her back but to no avail…she had a heart attack.
Please let’s hope at some time in the future we can all feel a little better.
Take care.
Mick.
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I feel just the same though my husband of 51 years died only 6 weeks ago but like you I can’t accept that I won’t see him again. My family is also far away and I’m wondering whether I should move nearer to them but this is the dream house we had built and memories of him are all around me. This is also unbearable for me as Ive never lived on my own - we were seventeen when we met. I can’t give you any help other than what you describe us how I feel too. Everything seems so pointless and I can’t imagine ever being happy again. Like you I’ve tried to keep busy but the evenings and nights are so lonely.
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I feel exactly the same as you. 16 weeks tomorrow since that awful day I lost my darling darling and so much loved husband. Its killing me. I looked after him 24/7 and had to fight on his behalf for everything from hospital appointments to the GP, to the nurses and to the chemist - every day was a battle and now there is nothing. He was everything to me, we had a business together which Ive had to shut down which again broke my heart as we built it up together. We would both be 60 next year and all our plans for that and for retirement are gone. I am incredibly sad every day, in the car, in the house, in the shops, watching tv on my own, all over the place. Every tv programme or film I watch seems to have someone dying of cancer too, you just cant escape it for a minute. The build up for Christmas is utterly heartbreaking, i have no decorations or tree up, no cards, no presents apart from close family and dreading the actual dinner. I want to run away and kill myself although I am too much of a coward to go through with it - I just want to be with him and feel nothing is worth living for. My heart is truly broken and there is a massive gap left within me with real pain. I dont know how I can get through the rest of my life feeling like this.
Sorry Im being negative today, just feel so down and lonely and sad.
xx
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I feel for everyone om this site.my hwaet goes out to you all.i have returned to my work today and cannot tell you how much it has helped me.i know I will still have my times where I cry and miss him but through faith and prayer friends and family I know I will fet through this.i will not have my son and daughter suffering because they worry about me.i wish you all peace and contentment. Have faith
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Hi Moi1,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds like you’re feeling incredibly sad and struggling with feelings of wanting to be with him. This time of year can be so difficult and I wanted to reach out and let you know you’re not alone.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful: Sue Ryder Grief Guide
We also have some advice about coping with grief at Christmas, which may be worth a look if it feels helpful: Sue Ryder Grief Guide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, Moi1, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Eleanor
Eleanor, that was really kind of you. Yes I am at rock bottom. I have now applied for online counselling with Sue Ryder as you suggested however I cant belive its a 6-8 week waiting list. Never mind.
Thanks again
x
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Moi1 I feel exactly like you, it’s been nearly 4 weeks since I lost my partner & we did everything together, I can’t bear being without her it’s killing me & all I want is to be with her because I haven’t got a life of my own, she was my entire life! I can’t see a future for myself without her in my life.
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Emz, 4 weeks is raw, as is my 16 weeks and when it is 4 years or 16 years, I will still feel the same. Everything to me is bleak and I just go through the motions. It is total cr*p for sure. Everyone keeps telling me to go to counselling, I plucked up the courage twice to phone a local place and the number cut off, the second time the recorded message says 6 month waiting list. So, I tried even though I knew I would get nowhere with it. Even the counselling on this website is 6-8 weeks before you can be assessed. What is the point. I will trundle along in my despair as I dont really care any more, just want him back which I know wont happen but sometimes I think he is just “away” somewhere and I hope he will walk back through the door. Evenings are the worst.
Take care
x
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Yes Moi1, everyone keeps on telling me it’s early days & it will ease in time but I know it won’t because we were always together for 23 years, how can you wipe that out of your heart & mind, it’s impossible! I can’t see how counselling could work unless they’ve been through the same thing & then it’s, get out, join things & make new friends but it doesn’t account for the fact you still have to go home alone without the one you loved with every part of your being! All we can do I suppose now is exist 
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Hi Sandra 1953
Lost my Paul 24 th July ……. I ache I’m numb I’m heartbroken in fact feel exactly the same as folk here
I can’t put a tree up no bairns so don’t feel I have to
I’ve sent no cards no decorations I just cannot do it despite Paul loving Christmas
He’s not here and like others I cannot accept it
I stay in …… couples outside
I don’t have the tv on
Started to listen to radio but it’s Christmas jolly music
Tears flow constantly
I’m having bereavement counselling and she says it’s depression
Just want it all to go away and everything be normal
Harsh truth it never will be
And that’s what we all face
Sending love to hugs to everyone out there facing a ‘new enforced life
Take care everyone
Xx
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completely agree with everything you said and I am exactly the same. Cant stand this “forced jollyness” for Christmas . My heart is broken and Christmas for me will never be the same again, want it all go away.
X
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Hi Moi1
You and me both
Folks say I’m strong and can ‘do it’. No I’m not and no I bloody can’t
The sad fact is we will have to learn to live with ‘it’ …
I don’t look any further than surviving the day folks don’t just get it … even friends who are sympathetic can’t cos they haven’t been there
In the past Christmas like everyone’s was busy busy this year it’s not and that’s hard …
I so just want to hide
Lolxx
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Same here, no children, no point in tree or anything really. It was our favourite time of year. Our flight to Lanzarote left on Monday without us… it’s more than I can stand…
I’m like you, I haven’t left my house in weeks, all my shopping is delivered. I WFH and I’m struggling this month, it’s all Christmas and everyone’s plans… I want to climb into a hole and stay there…
Sending love to you all… xx
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Hi everyone, how our lives have changed in an instant. We all enjoyed the holiday period buying presents, cards, food etc, or like you Dottie, a lovely holiday planned. What should have been, now all gone. Whether in the future it can be enjoyed again to some extent I don’t know? I’m not so sure in my case as I am getting older, but for the younger ones on here I truly hope you can find some joy in your lives again. Sending love to all of you.X
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agree with everyone Bess, hate when they say “be strong” or “you’re doing well” - how do they know. I AM NOT! I dread every day, I dread going to bed, I dread getting up, I dread watching tv or radio, always a constant reminder. Folk mention memories, all my memories at the moment hurt me even more as it makes me think of everything we are missing. I too have returned to WFH and get shopping delivered. My elderly mother asked me to get her Christmas cards for the family - she doesnt even realise the torture this caused me - i had to go into a shop and choose all her family cards and seeing all the ones saying “husband” was just too much. No-one understands, no-one, except us in this group.
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Dear Moi1,
Your suffering is very great because this is so new and raw for you.
The tears overwhelming you are healing and necessary to your overall health. Please let them flow and do their job.
There might be people giving you advice to go out, stay in, join groups, avoid gatherings. The truth is, even those of us suffering the same loss, we all have to manage things our own way. If someone sparks off an idea in you that helps, well and good but there is only one way to do this - your way.
I have a controlling sister-in-law who suddenly turned on me with HER notion of how I should be feeling. She has never (and never will) been in my position - completely alone after 60 years with the love of my life, my true soulmate. We were not blessed with children, have no family within travelling distance for me and all our friends have died, with the exception of one or two newish acquaintances.
The empty, joylessness of the days is impossible to describe. No-one understands, who has not experienced it. Yes, there is the dread of being alone in the house for the first time in one’s life. The sheer weight of keeping everything afloat, alone, is exhausting. It isn’t just that we don’t like to do some things but that they are impossible for one person alone.
Going to bed, being the one who checks the doors and lights and has to go to sleep dreading waking up the next day, knowing it is all going to be the same again. The problems might change but the unhappiness of dealing with them alone is draining.
For me, knowing there isn’t a soul in the world for whom I come first and to whom any decision I make, matters, feels like abandonment. When it comes to important choices, the words, “Of course, it’s your decision.” make me want to scream, “I know! Everything, for the rest of my life, is my decision.”
I don’t want to remain imprisoned in the home I love and I don’t want to go out either, only having to return to the silent emptiness. Every day, I force myself to shower, do my hair and make-up and dress carefully, things once automatic, now tackled deliberately, like chores. Then there’s no-one to say, “You look nice.”
I can say it here but nowhere else. I see other couples and it’s normal and I was once part of that normality. Now, it hurts abominably. I’m looking at a life of which I cannot be a part. I no longer fit in anywhere.
Christmas, for us, was a time of peace and joy, especially in recent years. We decorated the entire house and revelled in the glowing colours, lights and special ornaments. This year I have done nothing except write a handful of cards. Even this had me in tears as it was a task we loved. As I wrote and put them in envelopes, my husband addressed and stamped them. It brought to mind each person or family and was a time of reminiscence.
For me this year, Christmas Day will go by like any other day. If it’s fine I’ll go to church. The 'phone might ring but no-one will come to the door. For the first time in my life, I shall eat an ordinary meal in the kitchen. I just can’t be bothered with cooking and will probably have a ready meal from the freezer. My treat will be in having a day off from all chores, eating cake and chocolate when I feel like it and trying to clog the wheels of my brain by watching undemanding television and sleeping.
I can’t feel your pain just as I can’t even feel my own when it’s over for a while and I try to recall it. I understand though and so does everyone else on this site. What a pity we can’t meet. I don’t think we would be a miserable bunch because there would be no pressure on us to be anything but ourselves and that would liberate us to enjoy the occasion.
God bless us all.
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Prof - this was like reading ME - you are spot on with everything, if it wasnt for my son coming to stay at Christmas for two nights and bringing food and doing the cooking, I wouldnt bother with it either. I have not decorated nor will send cards and sorry to say any cards I do receive will go straight in a drawer. As you say, its the loneliness, its not having your husband to say you look nice or joke that you cant go out with that hair and all you see are couples and any visitors I get just make me more sad. Its relentless. I have never been one to use a “forum” like this but I find it helpful as we are all in same boat. We are all broken and nothing will be the same. As you say, what a bunch we are…
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