Ok it is Sunday, never a good day, my daughter came over for a few hours today, we are close and generally know how each other is coping or not and she has been good support in her own way! we spent a little while talking about the loss of my wife, her mum, not something we do a lot of as I am conscious of me upsetting her and vice versa, having dropped her back home I was back into sad moments and realised that I only talk in depth to her, on occasions and a good friend again on occasions they are the only ones I show my emotions to the rest of the time is by me writing things down or posting my thoughts and meanderings to a complete bunch of strangers on this forum! how crazy is that? I suspect there are many on here who are doing the same, why is it so difficult for the human race to face, discuss and deal with this subject, something that happens to so many people year after year? is it any wonder that we struggle to cope with this? we, the bereaved can and do want to talk about the ones we have lost so why donāt they want to listen?
I hear you Swift 
Maybe it should be on the school curriculum in what they call PSHE (personal, social, health ed). My Mumās Irish so Iāve grown up facing it and discussing it- my feeling of loss is still unbearable a lot of the time mind.
My husband died from stomach cancer 20 weeks ago tomorrow night and I have had some close friends/family text to ask how I am and when I reply with any detail (eg. Describing a couple of tough moments) some of them donāt even reply- whatās that about?! Iām 53 and no children so Iāve got a while before I can observe the shoe on the other foot.
Iām incredibly grateful to find other souls who understand, on this site.
I think no one really wants to hear negative so they donāt feel motivated to reply.
Enorac is right, they cannot change the past, so they cannot help, so they feel helpless and cant reply.
However most people will listen, and when we are ready to talk about moving forward, and how to do it they will weigh in and help.
But sometimes you donāt want help just someone to listen and let you talk and speak of your loved one.
We had mostly separate friends because of our hobbies so my friends didnāt really know him and his friends just disappeared. I have a couple of joint friends. My husband had his own business my son runs it now and I go down there where the chaps still speak of him and I get pleasure from that, remembering the real person good and bad and they are not afraid to say remember when j did this ā¦
Iāve had that too @MrsC.x
Iām 52, and the little contact with my 3 sister in laws and some friends would illicit no response if I said things were tough.
What else did they expect especially as I have 4 kids to support in their grief?
That lack of compassion really hurt, but I have tried to accept that they were just not going to be there for me and my kids.
But over the last weekend I have had calls/ messages from all 3 SIL inviting me to a girls weekend away and Xmas activities.
And friends suddenly keen to meet up.
As Iāve had no time alone to grieve over the last 6 months I feel like I am still at day 1 in my grief and have a lot to process. They donāt know that as they just havenāt been interested enough to find out.
But I feel they think I should be better now so can just start to reengage with normal life.
I donāt want to feel bitter towards them but I find it really insensitive that they suddenly want some contact now . They would always have a sisters weekend away which I was never invited to, so what am I meant to say to a āpityā invite ?
There are very few people who can just be there and listen and support - it really is something that society could do a lot better with.
Thank goodness for this site - but I also find it sad that I have to get understanding and support from strangers on an online forum rather than be able to find that from family or friends. X
That is very true society doesnāt handle grief well but very few of us have experienced grief until it is affecting us. Like you I use this forum because family and friends expect that Iām ok and ready to move on.
I think the media plays its part.
Those funeral adverts where the surviving spouse smiles indulgently at the beautifully personalised funerals.
The life insurance adverts with an attractive widow sitting in her manicured garden, watching her children playing. She is drinking from her husbandās mug, with his photo smiling up at her.
The worst thing that happens is when a jewel-like tear slides down her immaculately made-up face.
I donāt know about anyone else, but when I cry my face goes blotchy, resembling a tin of corned beef, not porcelain. My eyes are red, and my nose runs.
I have even watched films where the heartbroken widow falls into bed with her husbandās best friend during the wake, just for ācomfortā. She even managed to wear matching underwear and stockings!
I drag myself out of bed, put on the first clean thing I can find, I havenāt bothered with make-up for months.
Where is all the lank hair, snotty noses and blotchy faces?
The widowed ladies on the tv (never any widowers), none of them have kitchen tables strewn with letters from the DWP, or HMRC. Just beautiful bouquets from loving friends.
Or is it just me?
No willow it isnāt just you, I could scream at them. I donāt think I have cried so much in my life and yes I have red eyes a blotchy face and a snotty nose, not the most attractive look. They all have lovely tidy kitchens as well mine looks like someone has lobbed a grenade in and shut the door.
I have just heard it all today, I have tried to keep my small part time business ticking over as it means I get to see maybe half a dozen people per week, I did say small!
Customer comes in and we had the usual āsorry to hearā etc etc talked a little about it as he did know my wife although he hadnāt heard, on leaving he said something along the lines of āwell what happens has to happenā he then went on with āits Karmaā so I replied with āI really donāt know what my wife has done to deserve this as Karmaā
he fluffed around, why say things when you donāt even understand the meaning of the words you are using! still, I did have a smile with my wife, she would have found it amusing.
This is why I use this forum, I can post this and know you will know where I am coming from.
Swift I know exactly where you are coming from some people would be better saying nothing.
Some people should not be allowed to speak.
I was explaining to a friend how my 16 year old was really struggling with the loss of her dad and she said ā at least she will be a resilient adult ā.
Actually the opposite is often what happens but hey - Iām sure when sheās older she will appreciate that gift from her dad ( not)
I always feel better when people dont try to find a positive and just say it as it is - my neighbours mantra - āitās a pile of shit ā
Always makes me smile for some reason - my husband would laugh at that too. 
I had someone ask me if I had adjusted to my new situation yet and made plans for the future, it is only two months since my husband died. I couldnāt reply the thought of making plans on my own is unbearable.
Itās twenty weeks since my wife passed and the only plan I have is to keep breathing.
Numptys abound.
Steady now underwear and stockingsā:policewoman:
I love my daughter very much. She is 33. Iāve never had a disagreement with her. Same with my sons. I looked after their Dad for years. I wanted them to have a life. R was the fun parent, the soft one. I was the responsible one. We had lived together for nearly 40 years. I never involved them in any struggles, I just got on with it. When he passed, 9 weeks today, they had such fond memories of his kind, loving ways. I never asked them to stay with me. I arranged the funeral. Then my daughter tells me I can be negative, I will always manage. Dad would have needed us, he wouldnāt have managed without you. I felt so hurt. I donāt feel I can be me. I make sure every message I send, is edited, the slightest mention of struggle or sadness, will take days to get a reply. I couldnāt function without the people on here.
Being a double-widow, I have quite an extensive list of inappropriate and unwanted comments. The one that really took my breath away was āGod needed him more than you didā.
I donāt think so.
I have also been told that I am strong and will cope.
That the fickle finger of fate must really have it in for me.
I must have been really bad in a former life.
Well, thanks a bunch.
The strange things people say is not restricted to bereavement.
My daughter is disabled. I have heard some strange and hurtful comments about disability. Apparently āOnly dirty people have children like thatā. What did you take or do wrong when you were pregnant? And then there are the ones that believe disability is the punishment for being evil in a former life!
I adore my daughter, but even she can be āinappropriateā. She has no speech but is proficient in sign language and understands almost everything. Her daddy was a Roman Catholic and the priest came to our house to arrange the funeral. He kept saying what a tragedy it was. Every time he said it she did the āTragedyā
dance move that they do in the video! Even though I was crying at the time, I couldnāt help but smile at her. She thought she was so clever.
Xx
ā
How old is your daughter?
In years, she is 44. Katie has learning and physical disabilities and autism.
And I love her to bits!
Xx
My first time replying today on the forum. I understand the topic of conversation, as i am there with you all everyday. Empathy lives a short life when you lose your life partner. My wife died 10 months now, and i struggle in deep grief everyday. I thought i would start to accept it all by now, as my wife was chronically ill for 15 years, but time just gives you more ways to hide the grief from the world, as they dont really want to know. I devoted myself to my beautiful wife all through her illness, so gave up many friendships, as illness takes up every second in everyday. I worked still, aswell as caring, but people never thought to fully understand. Now she has gone, i have found myself even more alone, at work and home. The people you expect to be there werenāt, but you do find a few that give a surprising amount of empathy, and they are from outer circle.
Im not sure how i made it this far without her, but im still here. Love and peace to you all. X