I have found that the closest friends have melted away, yet the more ‘casual’ acquaintances are often the ones that offer the most support.
Perhaps the closer people are also mourning to some extent and don’t feel strong enough to support us as well as their own grief.
I don’t know, just a thought. It is strange, though. Funnily enough, my postman has been absolutely lovely, asking if I need shopping, apologising when he brings mail that looks depressing or official.
The girl that comes to cut my daughter’s hair has sat with me while I cried, just listening to me wittering on and on.
Xx
5 Likes
I have a brother who is coming up 70. Our mum passed away when I was 5 and our dad when i was in my early 20’s. I’ve always looked after him. He is now in a nursing home. Once he lost all mobility, I couldn’t care him. My partner was amazing with him.
1 Like
Yes, my second husband couldn’t have been a better father to both my kids. Their biological dad died 20 years ago. My second husband died 14 weeks ago.
Xx
1 Like
My wife’s cancer was diagnosed three years ago(she passed this last April) friends slowly started to disappear as her symptoms progressed,I became more housebound taking care of her,and of course covid,socialising for us just became a word.
Some friends turned up for the funeral,some family and friends didn’t,in fact some even haven’t been in touch,thankfully I have found new friends on here I hope you do too.
4 Likes
My Sister in law rang me today and said I should change the house and garden to look completely different so it looks like it’s mine now. She then said I need to get on with my new little life. My husband, her little brother has only been gone 4 weeks today. Its a good job she was on the phone and not in front of me. Before he even died she said I should sell his car and take his name off our e.mail address. I dont think she’s even human at times. She certainly has no on consideration for other peoples feelings. The complete opposite of my wonderful husband. Why do people think its ok to talk to us like this?
3 Likes
It is awful the things people think they can say to us, it is as if they expect us to wipe our loved one out of our lives. Sending you love
2 Likes
I think she might be happier if Martin was never mentioned again. That is never going to happen while there is breath in my body. If I have the choice of talking about Martin or talking to her then I know which I’ll choose every time. He was part of my life for 36 years and he’ll be part of it forever more. We can’t just wipe them out, and nor should we.
2 Likes
Wow that’s insensitive.
A whole new level at only 4 weeks.
Does she has a significant other ? Sounds like she has no empathy at all. So sorry you have to put up with that. Make sure you keep posting here - we are happy to hear about your husband. Xx
2 Likes
I have to admit that when I lost my first husband I went a bit mad. I decided that if my life had to be so different I was going to make it as different as possible.
I redecorated the whole house, moved the bed to a different position, moved the furniture around in the lounge. Placed the dining table facing the other way and redesigned the garden. It did mean that I didn’t have to see him so ‘missing’ if that makes sense.
I had photos of him enlarged and framed for each room. It wasn’t that I wanted to forget or delete him from my life, I just didn’t want to look at the places he was no longer occupying.
I have not done the same thing this time. The only major change is that I sleep on his side of the bed. It is easier to see my side empty when I wake up in the morning. It is very different this time, I could not look at photos of him until this week. I now have photos of him in every room.
I talk to both of my husbands all the time, grumbling mostly, but still telling them that I love and miss them both.
I think we should all do what suits and comforts us.
Xx
2 Likes
She has never really had any problems in her life from what I know. The only person she has ever lost is her mum. A bit different to me, I lost my Dad in 1986 age 58, my eldest brother in 1996 aged 43, my mum in 2015 aged 81, my younger sister in 2015 aged 47, my other 2 brothers in 2018 aged 61 and 63. No more siblings left now and we had no children either. Nothing compares to losing Martin though. You would think that as she knows what I’ve been through she might be a bit more sympathetic. It will be interesting to see how she copes if anything goes wrong in her life. I just hope she never feels like I do right now. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
2 Likes
You’ve had such a lot of loss in your life. Your mum must have had it hard too. Sometimes it just sucks doesn’t it.
But you’re right , we wouldn’t wish this purgatory on anyone.
I hope you have a restful night. Xx
1 Like
I am so sorry.
I understand, I really do.
I have had similar experiences with relatives.
One in particular said and did things that showed no understanding, sympathy or empathy just days after my lovely husband passed.
Sending a big hug x
1 Like
Wow!! What an insensitive woman. I would be so angry and upset, i would punch her!!!
1 Like
Thank goodness she was on the phone and not face to face or I might have hit her. Martin would say just put it down to ignorance and thats what I’m trying to do now. Life is too hard without having her thoughts stuck in my head. If people can’t support me they need to stay away.
I’m so lucky to have the support from you lovely people on here. I’m only sorry that we all need to be on here.
Sending love and kind thoughts to you all. XxX
2 Likes
I’m so sorry for everyone that’s trying to cope with insensitive people.
My experience was a bit different but was upsetting none the less
I hope we can all find some peace
X x x
2 Likes
I had an old friend say something so insensitive after my spouse passed. And, she’s highly educated so I would never have thought she’d say something so dumb. If someone can’t first think out what to say, maybe just say “I’m sorry.” Grrr.
1 Like
I know how you feel. Although 11 years for me I’ll never forget a particular conversation.
It was a few months after Joyce passed away, I was away for a week at Centre Parcs with my daughter and two granddaughters. At dinner one night I turned the Conversation to Joyce, I wanted to talk about her. There was a stoney silence and a look of shock on their faces. They said nothing for what seemed like ages. The silence was only broken by a colleague coming over to say hello, by coincidence (it was half term) she was also staying at Centre Parcs.
But that memory has stayed with me all these years.
4 Likes
I’m sure people think that when we lose the person we love the most we just want to forget about them. Anyone that comes near me is going to hear about Martin. He is in my mind as much now as he was when he was alive. I talk to him, ask him questions and tell him what I’m doing. I’ll never forget him anymore than you’ll forget Joyce. You can always talk about her
on here. We’ll listen.
4 Likes
I know exactly but I just smile to myself and think just be grateful that you don’t understand because you don’t know grief.
1 Like
Im sure you are right @Cooki . They dont know because they’ve not been there. It hurts at the time, but Ive learnt that because people hurt me, why should I let the thoughts keep hurting me more. Its them with the problem, not me.
So I let the thoughts dissolve into history, never letting them bother me. If its a serious hurt, I let the people dissolve into history as well!
Life is much happier when we let hurtful things go. Sticks and stones…etc.
2 Likes