My wonderful man , Baz ( Andrew) died in the 16th January 2023. Why him ? Why me ? Why us ? The devastation of losing a soulmate is indescribable. All I can say is I really don’t want this life . In fact I don’t want any life at the moment. He was the kindest person I know. Always there for me ( and others) . I love him so much I just can’t do anything I used to do previously. He was my everything, and on that fateful day , for some totally unknown reason, his heart just stopped beating and he was no more . Why , I ask myself? Just why ? 
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Hello ladysuisei6
I am so sorry for your loss 
I can empathise with how you feel, I too lost the love of life, my soulmate, my one true north in life…
Alan was 57, a kind, caring loving gentleman.
He too had a heart attack, he was on his way to work!!
That was just three months ago, time feels like it’s standing still, but life is moving on all around us
Grief is really just like a rollercoaster or riding a wave massive up and downs…
I’m not having a great one today…
Take care of yourself.
x
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@AJO thank you for those words of kindness. I, too am sorry for your loss. My Baz died in the GP surgery of all places and I wasn’t with him because we both thought he’d injured his arm falling downstairs. I was waiting at home for him ready to order a pizza after his appointment. Despite being in a place full of medical professionals, he didn’t survive. Just like your poor husband.
I’m having a very bad time at the moment having moved into a different flat and not settling at all well. I thought it might help - how silly that thought was . My Baz was only 59 , leaving me with plenty of loneliness ahead of me . It’s awful isn’t it . Take care x
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@Ladysuisei6 we only moved into our house 6 weeks ago and he loved it I just don’t want to be here without him but I wondered if moving would be the right thing - maybe not?
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@Juniper19 personally I feel that anywhere Baz isn’t, then I won’t be happy ( if that makes sense) . Mind you I do feel pretty isolated. I’m going back onto the ( long) housing association list in the hope of getting into sheltered accommodation. At least that’s not totally alone . I realise I’m not addressing my issues here of learning to live without my love , but it’s so daunting isn’t it?
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I am so sorry for your loss. What you described is exactly what happened to me, and now 8.5 months in I am still asking the same question every now and then, why? Why?
I love and miss my angel so much - in my head I constantly see him, his movement, hear his voice and feel his love 
- I feel so lost without my angel beside me!
It’s early days and still raw for you, so please try to take one day at a time and go with what you’re feeling and not try to fight or suppress it.
I don’t know if this would help but I talk to him every morning afternoon and night as if he’s still around so I tell him everything like ‘I am going to work’ ‘see you later’ ‘good morning darling’ ‘good night babe’ - anything that I used to say to him then, I say it now too! It helps me so much, so far!
Take care & stay strong x
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@Angel1309 thank you for your kindness and also for those words of encouragement. Baz and I were together for a long time and spent all our time together. Our love was unconditional and incredibly strong. I will try my best to stay strong, because potentially I have a fair amount of years ahead of me in this grief stricken state - I was 58 when he died and 59 now . Thank you
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Not at all @Ladysuisei6 thank you for sharing with all of us. We are all here to support one another so please keep posting on this wonderful forum.
We were too, Sean and I had such deep love for each other we were inseparable and did everything together and only apart when we both went to work. We were forever protective of and looking out for each other and never needed anyone else, just felt so at home together.
The day he suddenly passed away my whole world crumbled, I am now helpless and so lost without my angel 
. The only thing that keeps me going is talking to him everyday to feel his presence
Sending big hugs & strength
Please take care X
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@Angel1309 it is unbelievable isn’t it that a relationship can be sustained just by being comfortable and loving with each other - but it does . We used to joke that we were lucky being happy just being together doing nothing. We were so content . This is what I miss , his wonderful company, well apart from the love of course.
You take care also . This forum is a great help
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@Ladysuisei6 I can totally identify with every word you said! It’s so unbelievable and so true. I miss my angel so much and it’s indescribably painful that he’s not here by my side anymore . I love him even more now than ever and hope that he’s at peace wherever he is .
X😔
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@Angel1309 i will never stop loving Baz . The thought of the rest of my life without him is so frightening that my anxiety has got so much worse , I’m on more medication and I’m so unhappy. Also because we lost our men so suddenly, we literally had no time to plan or prepare ourselves. This has made me feel vulnerable and again, frightened for the future. The whole thing is like an ongoing nightmare and living without his love is unbearable.
Take care x
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I tell him everyday that I will love him forever and nothing is ever going to change that. Every single day I dread of the next day as I know it’s going to be the same empty, lonely, sad and meaningless day - without him! I only hope that I will have the strength to face this horribleness that we don’t even know how long it’s going to last! I hope it is enough to just carry his love in my heart till the day I join him. 
Take care and stay strong X
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dear @Angel1309 , @Ladysuisei6 , @AJO , @Juniper19
I resonate with everything you all say.
We all had our own true love, our soulmates, our one and only, and now we are all broken, incomplete, and lost on our individual journeys of grief, that no one can really help us with.
We have to take the path alone.
And it’s awful, and horrendous and so bloody exhausting!
One of the things I have done, is to make a play list of songs on my phone, it’s simply called ‘phils songs,’
Some are ones that were his favourites, and some that I have since found that talk about partners who have died (mostly country). I listen to them when I’m walking our dogs, or walking to the shops, or anywhere I’m out walking.
Some are more emotional, but one of them is just a real good feel, and just makes me smile when I listen to it…
I’ll try and copy the link incase any of you want to listen
Love and hugs 
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Dear @Cathphil
We all are on the same journey - a heartbroken and horrendous one sadly.
I have listened to the song and it has such beautiful and meaningful lyrics.
My favourite one that I played at his burial is ‘Jealous of the Angels’ by Donna Taggart - the song that makes me weep every time it comes on 
I don’t know how to attach a link but try and listen to if you wish, the whole song is so heartbreakingly beautiful - to me it sums up everything that happened to my angel
sending love & big hugs to everyone
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The song I choose for the reflection at Phil’s cremation was
‘Loving her was Easier than Anything I’ll ever do Again’ by Kriss Kristofferson.
With a photo on the screen of him and me the morning after our wedding, where I was wearing a tee shirt with my new married name on.
It’s all so heartbreaking for us all
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@Ladysuisei6 I often ask those words WHY and shout out WHY my husband, WHY me , WHY not the horrible man round the corner. My husband was just 53 years old and suddenly and unexpectedly died. I missed him by a few minutes, did CPR until the paramedics arrived. Life indeed is so unfair and cruel. Have been robbed of our future plans and dreams. My husband was working up until the day before. He died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer. I often ask myself Why didn’t I notice that he was ill or lost weight. I’m trying to keep myself busy and making plans… what else can I do. Sink or swim…I’m swimming but in very choppy waters… take care and big hugs xx
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I’m so sorry for the loss of you beloved man I lost my partner Steve suddenly July 2023 it tore my
Whole world upside down he was to young to go to soon he was 51 i miss him
Loads and will love him always they say grief is deep love with no where to go one’s dead and still am wanted
To go with him but I had a visit last night my daughter saw him and I’m blessed 
broke him I loved him and hopefully helped him to cross over your partner will always be with you have faith and take each day as it comes we are
All here to talk xx
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@Hazel.1966 yes I still regularly just ask myself WHY ? because the suddenness of Baz’ loss ( like your husband’s) has affected me so badly. I feel guilty even though there were no real signs . I miss him so much . Since he died , I’ve had a fall - out with my son which saddens me so much . Apparently I was “ difficult “ for a while whatever that means . Mind you I was hospitalised twice in psychiatric hospitals so I’m not surprised I was a bit off . His behaviour though has upset me and left me feeling vulnerable and disappointed. I thought his love was unconditional.
Ultimately we can only rely on our lives can’t we ?
This is what I think . My Baz was the kindest , funniest, loving person I’ve met in my life , so I was so lucky to have him x
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@Angel1309 i constantly think about Baz and imagine what I would be saying to him all the time . I’ve had a fall out with my son somewhere in the quagmire of grief - no idea what happened. We are sort of ok now , but I don’t rely on him like I used to which is sad . Baz would be so worried about me if he knew how my life is currently. He was such a kind , loving , sweet man , I think he’d imagine my son looking out for me more !
So , for so many reasons, joining Baz would be quite welcome. I would not plan to do something drastic like end my life , but joining Baz feels like a comforting prospect at the moment x
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