I lost my husband of 40 years in September 2023. It was unexpected - he was only inhospital for 4 days. I am struggling with my grief and find first thing in the mornngs, evenings and weekends are filled with unbearable pain. I understand this is the grieving process but find it very hard. I was hoping that you could share how you coped with the pain and the constant tears.
It is a huge struggle which we are never prepared for. I lost my husband in February after a very brief stay in a truly rubbish hospital, the less said the better. Since then I’ve had very, many awful days where I don’t know how I can go on. It still comes in waves but I’ve learnt not to bottle things up, so from the very beginning I would cry, scream or even rant if I needed to. People on this site are so supportive because we all can relate to how you’re feeling because we’ve been through it, and still are. There are no rules as to how we should behave and so the best thing I found was to talk about him to friends and constantly visit this site. Take care Gail xx
Thank you Gail. I have been crying a lot and talking to friends but it is good to know that you and others are going through the same emotions i am going through. I will certainly take your advice and vsisit this site often for the support. xx
@StarGate sorry you find yourself on this horrible journey. In the early days and weeks just do whatever you have to do to get through the days. Don’t expect anything of yourself. Just getting through the days is enough. Lean on anyone you are close to and take all the support you can get. It’s 7 months since I lost my husband to cancer. After the initial shock and trauma I found keeping busy is what helped the most. I still make lists of things to do/that I need to do and then check them off. I fill my diary with as much as I can. This helps structure my days and gives the day some structure. Things do improve. I’m in a much better place than I was in the early days. I have some good days now and the grief comes in smaller waves. Take care.
@Jan17 Thank you. I am still working so my days are busy. It’s good to hear that things will get better slowly.
Your story is very similar to mine, 30yrs together and 7 days in hosp sudden critical illness. It’s overwhelming and devastating isn’t it, I dont think there is way to cope, I’ve certainly not found one, the grief is immense and comes in waves. I have a lot of support and people have been really nice BUT I’ve not even begun to come to terms with what happened. How can you, life will never be the same, sorry to say this but it’s what I see.
Keep posting on this site, there are lots of people with advice and support here. Be kind to yourself x
@Kathy6 You are right it’s devastating. I’m glad that I am not the only one who is finding it hard to come to terms with the loss. i agree that life will never be the same. Thank you for the support. xx
So sorry for your loss! I lost my husband of 20 years 8.5 weeks ago, he had just turned 40, no health problems. He fought a short cruel 6 week battle with cancer… I find the mornings torturous I physically struggle getting out of bed but have to for my children, especially my youngest who’s 9 and depends on me. The weekends are awful, because we always done things as a family without fail. I’m trying to carry on but it is absolutely exhausting isn’t it? I have nothing in me anymore, I’m just completely empty and don’t want to be here at times x
I agree the weekends can be very lonely can’t they, I’ve not seen anyone today, I have plans for tomorrow fortunately.
I think I need to start making plans although it’s the last thing I feel like doing. We never needed to make plans when we were a couple, we just did stuff together and that was perfect. It’s some adjustment isn’t it x
@Scarl34 I feel your pain. We don’t have any children but I care for my 91 year old mother who’s had 2 strokes so I have to get up for her and work. We celebrated our 40th anniversary in July and 2 months later he was taken from me -so cruel. We have known each other for 46 and a half years. Thursday was my birthday and for the first time I did not get a big hug and birthday kiss from him. It was unbearable knowing that I never feel his hug and kisses again. Your children need you. I know it’s hard but you need to be here for them. Please look after yourself. xx
@Kathy6 I agree that weekends are terrible. We never made plans but just did things together. We planned to retire next year and do all the things on our long list. I can’t see myself doing them on my own. Life is cruel. I’m glad to hear that you are starting to make plans. Take care. xx
Oh I’m so so sorry!! Shaun passed away the 6th September and our 20 year anniversary was the 18th October, he had asked our eldest daughter for my favourite flowers and card to be sent on the day as he knew he wouldn’t be here, I opened the card and saw a message from him and literally fell to the floor crying and screaming… I just couldn’t believe whilst he led losing his life he still thought of things like that my birthday is the 24th of this month and I’m absolutely dreading it, he always made such a fuss. And we’d always have a cosy night cuddled up I miss him so much as his hugs, they made everything better… I honestly don’t know what to do, Christmas is coming up and I am absolutely dreading it I feel sick thinking about it already…
the children are all that keeps me going but the last few days have been horrendous and inside I am so so destroyed I can’t cope xx
It’s the most difficult adjustment ever!! Even if we never went out etc we’d always have eachother to cuddle up to on sofa and watch a film etc… I know I have my kids but god I am so so lonely I just can’t believe I’m coming up 35 and a widow!? And have to spend the rest of my life crawling through the days without him x
I cannot face Christmas so I am not going to celebrate it this year. It will be too painful for me so I understand your feelings about Christmas. xx
The same here. It’s not the going out, it’s the being together. Big hugs to you. xx
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and in many ways sad to welcome you to a group that none of us chose to join.
With regard to your original question as to how others cope the answer is in many different ways,none are right or wrong and those that you choose may differ to mine.
It’s almost five months since my wife passed away but just a few minutes ago I was stood on the sea front in floods of tears talking to her and asking her what do I need to do to stop this never ending pain of loss,so there isn’t a particular answer to how we cope nor a timescale.
I hear the advice and suggestions of how to help myself and I am always grateful that those in a similar situation to me take the time to respond,however it still comes back to what we already know … there isn’t a quick fix fast track route through our suffering. Even when keeping busy the worst of times are when you stop keeping busy and suddenly something hits you,maybe you look at his favourite chair,maybe you don’t hear his voice when you walk in,maybe you can’t watch or listen to something you both enjoyed etc,etc, so those are the times that you should expect to happen and when they do they are usually attached to the most horrific pain that we have ever know.
I make it sound scary,well sadly it is but the only way through is to let the pain in and use your way of coping with it,feel it,live through it because the tears do stop,the pain does stop,until the next time.
We are fortunate to have this forum,I read the stories such as yours and though they don’t make me feel any better they do help me to understand my journey a little bit more as time moves on.
Take care and know that I/we are all thinking of you and wishing you the best. Mike.
I wouldn’t be doing it, but Faith is 9 and I know I have to for her? It won’t be fun or a happy time but we will try and get through the day I guess!?
Big hugs to you too xx
Thank you so much for your lovely message I really do appreciate everyone’s kindness and support… I know that this isn’t going away and know I need to just take it day by day but my mind is constantly racing, I just don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m 35 this month, have 3 children and a house to try and keep, but know eventually we will lose we had so many more plans together and they’ve just been ripped away from us… it’s so cruel I just feel this isn’t real
It doesn’t feel real does it, even if you had tried to imagine this happening the reality doesn’t get anywhere near this nightmare.
Maybe reality gradually creeps in and we adjust bit by bit. Judging by comments on here that can take years, so hour by hour, day by day, take it slow x
@miker Thank you for sharing yourstory/journey. I know that how I cope with it will be individual to me and that the pain will always be there - I am at the start of my journey and I know that what I am currently experiencing is the same for everyone else. I am glad I found this forun and for the support I have received today. It has been very helpful.