Widowed 6 weeks

Paddy, exactly no one!!!
Not sure we can ever get used to not having our loved ones waiting for us, or us waiting for them to come home to us.
Take care xx

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Today is 9 weeks (63 days) since my world came crashing down but it seems like only yesterday. After 46 and a half years of being together and married for 40 years I lost my beloved husband Tony unexpectedly. He was my whole world and I his. It was enough that we had each other. Tony was my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend, my other half that made me whole. I have cried every single day since I lost him wondering why this has happened. We did everything togeher, made decisoins jointly, faced the good and hard times that life threw at us together, shared the workload at home. All our dreams and future plans are now in tatters. We planned to retire next year and do all the things on our long list. I miss him so much. I miss his smile, talking to him, his hugs, his kisses, him sitting opposite me at the diner table, him sitting next to me on the sofa. I miss his good night hugs and kisses and i miss giving him a hug and kiss before he ewnt to work in the mornings.I hate going out and coming back to an empty house. People tell me that I am strong. I am not strong at the moment. I was only strong because Tony was my rock and the strength came from him. He understood me.
I don’t like the term widow. I am Tony’s wife and will always be that.
How d o I build a new life - one which I did not choose? I was happy with my old life and I want it back but know it will not happen. Every time I get a letter with the ‘Late Mr …’ it brings everthing back of my loss.The pain of loss, sadness, longing and yearning are so intense and still very raw. I don’t think that it will ever go away for me (at leasr I cannot see it at the moment). There are days when I feel as I am suffocating.
I hate the mornings because it reminds me of my loss and that he is never going to have his mornign coffee with me again before he leaves for work. I hate the evenings because he won’t be sitting opposite me for our meal. I hate the weekends because it was our time together to do whatever we wanted to do but now it is a long, lonely unbearable time. I hate the loneliness
I see people going on with their lives and wonder why they do not see my pain.
I will love my Tony always and forever. He will always be in my heart even though at the moment it’s broken. He has left a huge hole in my life and I feel lost. I would give anything for Tony to put his arms around me and give me a kiss and tell me that everything will be OK.
I struggle every day in this new existence (I cannot call it life), going through the daily motions. i can only take it hour by hour and one day at a time. I cannot think about the future yet as it is too painful.
Some people in this forum say that the pain gets easier and you learn to live with it. I certainly hope so.
Thank you for reading this rambling post and I hope everyone has a tolerabel day today.
sending everyone love and hugs. x

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Dear StarGate, I think you speak for us all, how do we ever recover from grief, we just have to exist with it, take care and sending lots of love x

@StarGate my heart breaks not only for me, but for you also, and everyone else on here suffering this awful cruel pain!

sending you so much love and hugs today!

it really is just such an awful existence we have now :broken_heart:

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hi stargate i wish we knew your name as stargate is very impersonable.
i lost my mags three months ago and i still cry every day i have good friends but would trade them all for one more day with her. she was disabled and i retired so we were together a lot. she was 16 when we met at 18 we were married and that lasted 46 years and i agree she is my wife i am not a widow. i take her oak box of ashes to bed with me every night, i prepared a garden to spread her ashes but cant bring myself to leave her in the cold. i know it maybe not healthy to go on like this but i dont see anything changing. i have no future my friends are getting me to go out as much as they can but i sit there thinking that she should be there with me. as you say people say you get used to it but i wonder if we ever will. your post is not rambling infact its exactly what most of us are feeling, i wont say your not on your own because you are but there are loads of us in the same place as you.
i wish there was a site meeting place where we could meet up have a coffee and cry together but there is not, so go put the kettle on and we will have a coffee together all four of us hugs phil

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@StarGate yours aren’t ramblings, you’ve put into words how we all feel.

I’m not very well today and there’s no one to look after me. Crap.

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Hi Joyce so sorry to hear that but it’s good to let your feelings known to all of us. Yesterday i had to get the vet out to my dog (he’s the only reason i get up in the morning) he was really ill. Didn’t eat and just lay in his bed shivering. I had no-one to talk to about it so called vet out. He gave him medication and said I’ve got to phone tomorrow and if he’s no better and as he is nearly 18yrs i will have to make a decision. How the hell do i do that. I can’t see him suffer but that will be a double whammy this year. Anyway i will see what happens. To be honest i feel as though how much more horrible things can happen. I think this isolation is a nightmare. Just wish my husband was here just to support me on this as well as other things. It’s a case of going it alone now. 7 months in and it’s not getting any better. I do hope you start feeling a bit better. It’s just a case of getting through each day now as best we can. Take care. X jill

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@Kathy6 Hi Kathy, thank you for reading my post. Like you I am not sure how we recover from grief.
Take care. Sending love to you too. x

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@Scarl34 I agree that this is such an awful existence for all of us now and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel only darkness. Thank you for the love and hugs.
I hope that your day will be a tolerable one.
Love and hugs. x

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@Paddy53 So sorry you are not well today. That’s it when you are on your own there’s no one there to look after you. Our special person is no longer with us. Crap it is.
Hope you feel better by the end of today.
Love and hugs. x

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@Jay15 Hi Jill, Sorry to hear about your dog. I hope that the medication works. How much more sadness is going to be heaped upon us? Not sure how much more we can all take on our own with no support from the special person we all lost. Life is so unfair.
i can only take one day at a time and hope that every morning when I get up it will be a more tolerable day that yesterday.
Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs. Joyce x

@pippyb Hi Phil, thank you for reading my post. So sorry for your loss and I know exactly how you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with having your wife’s ashes next to you if it gives you comfort. You need to do whatever feels right for you to help you through the grieving process. There are no rights or wrongs.
I will take your advice and put the kettle on, have a cup of tea and think of you, Mags and my Tony.
Sending you love and hugs. Joyce x

Everything you have written could have been written by me. I lost my Tony 8 weeks 4 days ago. We had been married for 54 years and were joined at the hip. We did everything together and i felt safe with him even when he was ill. He was there for me and checking up on me. I feel very very low and dont really want to carry on. Theres nothing for me now. I am trapped in this endless nightmare and cant see a way out. Have joined two clubs which are okay but still cry when i get home. End up wailing with the pain. Hope you find a way through all this. Love and hugs to you xx

@Debbiea So sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I also understantd abour feeling safe. They were our heroes, there to protect us. Like you I feel that I am trapped in a nightmare and not being able to get out of it. It’s good that you have joined two clubs but nothing takes away the pain and loneliness when you get home. I also wail in paim so understand completely. My heart breaks for you feeling low. Please reach out here for the support from everyone. Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest.
I hope that we both and everyone find a way through all of this - one hour at a time, one day at a time.
Always here to listen to you if you need.
Hoping that tomorrow will be more tolerable than today.
Sending you love and hugs. xx

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Hi @StarGate, I am really sorry that you are having such an unbearable day. Maybe by the time you read this you will be feeling that things are a little more “tolerable” again, and will have a little bit of relative calm before the next wave of sadness and loss hit. Whatever, you are in my thoughts and I send you my best wishes.

As others have said, but I too will say that what you have written is the truth for me as well. My suspicion is that the pain only appears to lessen because you learn how to accommodate it better and so this new (nightmare) life becomes easier to endure.

Not rambling. Heartfelt. Thank you.

@JerryH Thank you for reading my post and replying. I have managed to stop crying maybe I can consider it tolerable at the moment.
I hope that you are right that the pain appears to lessen because we learn how to accommodate it better and the nightmare life becomes easier to endure. Otherwise, I am not sure how to go on in this current existence. Your words are appreciated.
Take care. Love and hugs. x

Thanks @StarGate.

Well, that is good that you have stopped crying for the moment. It may give you a bit of a chance to gather some strength. But crying is OK. So when the next wave of sadness comes … and the crying … so be it.

Absolutely, how on earth do we carry on? But so far, we do, even if it is minute by minute at its worst. X

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Hi, I am so sorry. i feel your pain. Unfortunately, we all feel like you. Sending lots of hugs take care xx

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Hi Joyce thanks for that. The medications seems to be working. Different dog today. Seems like I’ll have him for a bit longer. I’ve been told I’m tough. I’m certainly not i just bottle everything up. Somedays i feel as though I’m going to explode. It’s the isolation that gets to me. I think i may have to move away just don’t know at the moment. Who knows what the future holds. Jill x

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@Jay15 Hi Jill, good news that your dog is going to be ok. People think you are tough because they don’t see the pain you are going through. I also understand bottling up things but then the explosion happens. I’m sure you will make the right decision for moving when it’s right for you. As you say we don’t know what the future holds. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.
Sending you love and hugs. Joyce xx