Don’t want to get up. Can’t sleep, though tired. Try for another hour.
Particular poem racing around in my head. I’ll not quote it until I’ve had chance to check my memory.
I lost my partner 8 weeks ago. The first few nights after it I slept all night but a few days before the funeral my sleep pattern changed and I can only sleep for two hours and then I wake up, stay awake until about 5am. I’m trying to listen to guided meditations which help a bit. I have been getting the same dreams that he hasn’t died and I’m mad at him for playing such a cruel game. It’s really strange. I’m not even tired but I have lost my desire to leave the house. I’m back in work now and I’m finding it so difficult.
Firstly, I think you’re very wise going back to work, distraction is good if only for a few hours.
As for your sleep pattern, well that’s me as in sleeping for couple of hours and then wake. I’ve learnt not to fight it so I get up, make a hot drink and read. Sometimes I can be reading for 2 hours or more. Again like you, I’m not tired. To be honest I never even considered going to GP simply because I’m not tired. I would be very reluctant to take anything to help me sleep unless I was walking around like a zombie. Maybe a good night’s sleep will come for us, maybe it won’t. I think it’s something which we will have to learn to live with. Sending love xx
Lost my husband 18 months ago,and without a sleeping pill I only get 2 hrs sleep a night ,I still think about him morning and night,and there are times when the grief hits all over again,I’m dreading the run up to Xmas,seeing couples and families out shopping,knowing we can never do that again,I keep going because I have to,and to keep things as normal as possible for a friend who has just been given a terminal diagnosis in the past 8 weeks,it’s hard but it gives me something to focus on.
Hello. I understand exactly how you feel. It’s been almost 17 months since I lost my wonderful husband and I still don’t sleep. Also I feel so envious when I see couples and families out enjoying life almost to the extent of begrudging them their happiness. It’s not their happiness so much as their togetherness. It does help to have something or someone else to focus on and my sister is just recovering from bowel cancer so I’ve been kept busy with her and her appointments. That must sound awful but it has given me something else to think about although I would rather my sister hadn’t been poorly at all. But all through that my husband has been right here with me, I carry him around on my shoulder - strangely always my right shoulder. He never leaves me. If only he was here in the flesh…
I will never stop mourning him. I long for him so much and like you I cry. The tears come out of nowhere - one minute I’m fine and then suddenly…
And so the sleepless nights continue…
Much love and understanding xx
Hi, I lost my husband just over a month ago. He died unexpectedly in his sleep and I ammasl finding it so difficult to carry on without him. I am just desperate to have him back.
Lack of sleep is a real issue although I have always been a bad sleeper. Did have sleeping pills for a few weeks that knocked me out so couldn’t think which was great, but now doctor says I shouldn’t take them anymore apart from occasionally - really struggling with sleep. I don’t sleep for more than 2 hrs at a time and so anxious all night. It’s almost like I am afraid to sleep in case I dream or upset myself even more. Any ideas to help with sleep will be great
Hello Diane. I am so so sorry for your loss. My husband too died very suddenly in the middle of the night. A fit and healthy man with no prior warning. That was almost 17 months ago and still I don’t sleep. The strange thing is that I’m not tired. I just go with the flow and don’t fight it - I get up and make a hot drink and read. I find that’s better than tossing and turning.
Everything is still so raw for you. Of course you want your husband back and I want mine back too. I wish I could say something to help ease your pain but the truth is nothing can do that. Please find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone, we on this site are suffering too and know how painful and agonising this time is. My heart goes out to you. Sending love and hugs xx
Yes, I’m like you Sheila, I’m never tired either, so obviously getting enough sleep. Someone said to me in the first few months after my loss that my body must have been running on adrenaline but surely not still. I’ve tried going to bed early and going to bed very late but it really doesn’t appear to make any difference. I’ve never taken any sleeping tablets either, nor will I ever. I really think the thing is not to fight against it. Sleep when you can if that’s possible. I go out to work so can’t sleep during the day even if I wanted to, but truth is I don’t want to, nor do I fall asleep in the chair during the evening.
I don’t really dream (or I don’t remember them if I do) but I would love to dream about my husband. You see, as I’ve said before on this site, I can’t see his face. I try so hard but it just doesn’t come. I can visualise my husband sat in chair with his leg cocked, newspaper resting on it but no face…
Much love xx
Late
Thanks for your kind words. I was still in shock for about the first 3 weeks so it only over the last couple of weeks that I have felt worse.
I am trying to keep off the sleeping pills partly because it frightened my daughter who is 18 and still at school last week when she came into my bedroom and I was in a hypnotic state from the pills - she thought I was having a stroke and panicked (she saw her dad dead and helped do CPR so it’s very raw for her too)
Maybe I just need to follow your advice and not fight not sleeping - it’s just that I want a rest from thinking and worrying
Take care
Diane
Sheila
Thanks for your note sorry to hear about the loss of your husband too.
I think you are right - ian and I had been married for 28 years and were never apart except for occasional work trips - I am used to sleeping with him. Also as he died in our bed I don’t think that helps either
Take care
Diane
Dear Crazy Kate . I have not dreamed of my husband once since he went 16 weeks ago . I couldn’t remember what he sounded like so had to get my daughter to find me a video clip on her mobile phone of him shouting to one of the dogs to come back he was playing with in the garden . I thought I was being ridiculous been as I’ve known him for 42 years but I think it’s the shock numbing my senses . When I think of him I have a hard job conjuring up a full length picture of him in my mind dressed and ready for work or going out but I have no problem remembering him in the flesh because he had the cardiac arrest within minutes of getting out of our bed to get his clothes to have breakfast to go to work . I remember his back because I had been cuddled up to him before he got up that morning . His arms , his face , his hair , his profile , his eyes , everything about him but not his voice or how he looked dressed . I don’t know if this is a comfort or a curse because it just makes me want him back even more and it is torture to know that I will never be cuddled up to him again . I feel like a part of me has gone missing . It’s a horrible feeling . It’s hard to do every day stuff carrying this yearning for him around with me too but trying to avoid the pain of the grief by fighting it is definitely not working either . I came across an interesting word yesterday. It is saudade . It is Portuguese for having sad and happy feelings all at once . Sadness from missing someone or something loved and happiness for having experienced the love . It was explained as a sort of melancholy love that lingers , a love that lunges forward in anticipation but with nothing to meet it . This is the love I must be feeling for my husband , endlessly reaching out for him and knowing I can never have him . A longing for someone you know will never return . It is not an angry feeling but a very melancholy one and nothing like I have ever experienced before . It is going to take a long time for me to get used to this new me with all these new feelings triggered by his sudden loss . I think I need to stop fighting my feelings and try to welcome them otherwise I will never find peace in my head again . I think I will look up that Rumi poem about welcoming feelings . Perhaps that will help . Sorry for my weird ramblings but my head is scrambled trying to come to terms with what has happened and how I am going to live with the aftermath of it for the rest of my life . Sending much love to you and everyone else on this forum this Monday morning . Romy xxxxx
Hi Diane
So sorry for the loss of your husband. It has only been a short while and so you must still be traumatised. My husband died unexpectedly in his sleep too just over a year ago. I found that taking Nytol (blue packet, one a night) helped. They helped me sleep for a full eight hours. I still use them on occasions. I also found guided meditations for sleep useful. My husband died at home as well and for the first few months I slept downstairs. Then my sons helped me to completely change the bedroom - new bed, curtains, walls painted, duvet etc. It is now very much my sanctuary (Lilac/Mauves). I do have photos of my husband on the walls. It has helped me enormously. However it is still very early days for you and these things can’t be rushed. My advice would be to get some Nytol and once you are sleeping better you will be able to cope a little better.
Post on here whenever you want unfortunately grieving is a long hard road and their is always someone to listen and offer their advice.
Take care of yourself and remember the golden rule ‘one step at a time’.
Yvonne
Hello everyone. Some very good thoughts and comments from you all. So many thoughts seem to be the same for us all and then a few which are individual. Like you Diane, my husband died in our bed and I performed CPR. However, I love to be in our bed and lying on the very sheet from that fateful night - it comforts me.
I look at photos of my husband all the time Sheila, they are all around me, even in my car. Sometimes they make me cry and sometimes they make me smile. How I loved him and love him still. My love continues to grow and I love him more and more with each passing day. How can that be? Even after 30 years I still got those little flutters in my tummy when he came home, just like you said Sheila.
And Romy, what an interesting new word - I shall look it up. I agree, a part of us has gone missing - we two became one so now there’s only half of us left. Yes it’s horrible. I feel a completely different person and I feel very strange.
In all of our feelings and fears there is no right or wrong. In grief one size does not fit all. But knowing we’re not alone does bring a little comfort and your ‘weird ramblings’ Romy are very welcome and needed. Indeed everyone’s thoughts and feelings are helpful. Thank you all. Sending love and hugs xx
1 Like
This conversation was started in early September and sleep is still evading me. I’ve been awake since 4am, probably managed 4 hours. If it’s the same for you all, it’s a wonder we’re not walking round like zombies. I was always such a good sleeper - is this it now?
It was 18 months to the day yesterday since my lovely husband passed and I haven’t known a full night’s sleep since…
Hi Kate, I’m much the same, only I have worked out that I am deliberately pulling myself out of sleep from about 3am each night. The nightmares stopped a few months back. It’s knowing that I feel I have to wake up which really concerns me, but what for? It was 14 months on Tuesday since my beautiful husband passed…he was an amazing morning person and would tease me about how long I wanted to sleep for. Now it’s just the coldest hours before dawn to endure and my iPad for company, x
I think I must be bucking the trend as I now sleep better than I have done over the past few years. I used to sleep with “one ear open” listening for my wife, despite often sleeping in a different room and as she got worse my sleep got worse.
For me the key essentials are getting enough physical exercise, eating enough but not too spicy, drinking enough but not too much alcohol and reducing the amount of blue light from phones and tablets. Another thing is the avoidance of stimulation before sleep. I’ve read a few books about improving sleep. One think that’s significant is that if you worry too much about not sleeping then that anxiety will cause a problem. Learning relaxation techniques may help. It seems likely that the older we get the less sleep we need.
If you can function all right on what you get then presumably it’s not a big short term problem but the long term problem is that it’s difficult to re establish the old pattern. I think we all crave lots of good sleep as we believe it’s fundamental to making things better.
I’ve just checked and there’s a blog called Night time Rumination on Grief on the website What’s Your Grief. May be worth a look.
Thanks YorkshireLad, I’ll take a look. Xx
Rainbow, my husband used to do the same. He would try to embarrass me in front of others too, telling them how late I got up on a Sunday. David was always an early riser and never failed to bring me a cup of tea in bed. How I miss that. How I miss him. Do you think our men are messing with us and smiling down at us not sleeping? Xx
Actually, I don’t worry about not sleeping. In fact it doesn’t bother me at all and I am not particularly tired during the day. I go to work no problem and I never fall asleep in the chair at night so I guess I must be getting enough rest. Xx