Here I am crying again. Will the pain ever stop or get less painful? I try to be optimistic or make plans for the future but just cannot see anything positive. I am getting worse instead of getting a bit better. I try to pull myself together but even just going to the library takes a lot of energy out of me. I am exhausted most of the time although I am eating not too badly and take my tablets - only sleeping is still difficult. I do not enjoy anything - I was always a keen reader but I am struggling now to finish even one page. I loved to listen to music and now I do not enjoy it anymore. I am just waiting for my Philmore to come and take me with him. I wish I would not be so exhausted and so full of self-pity. Sending love and hugs to everyone.
@Annaessex , hi itās over two years since my husband died , my happy life ended, but I have found the pain does ease a little, I still have terrible days and I just want to be back in my husbands arms where I belong . But I know I have to wait till itās my time to go , The first year I begged and pleaded for my husband to come and get me , obviously itās not up to him so he couldnāt . I have just recently noticed that when I see a beautiful sky ,it makes me smile now , and I thank my husband for sending it to me . Where before I just wanted to cry because he wasnāt here to share it with me , like we always did . I always felt like I was in my own grief bubble , in fact still do , but hopefully I will be able to step out of it one day , and just feel the love we had for each other without all the pain and hurt . I try not to think of the future , whatever happens we canāt stop it like we couldnāt stop the past . My mam used to say to me when I was little " tomorrow never comes " because then it is today ( hope you understand ) so I just try and get through each day . ā¦ I was always a big reader, many a time I burnt husbands tea because I was so into a book , but I couldnāt concentrate after husband died, but hey , the other weekend I read a full book, Luckily I never lost my love for music , only now I take the words in so much more . As for sleep , I have only slept one night straight through since husband was diagnosed with cancer. And that night there was a big storm where I live and I never heard a thing , Please donāt think you are full of self pity . Itās grief , and that is all the love we have for our partners with no where to go . ā¦SORRY, for the novel 
I do go on a bit , sending love and strength x take carex
Thank you so much for your reply. My Philmore died last Valentineās Day and the first anniversary of his death is coming up soon. I am still in shock that he left me so quickly and without any warning and that all our plans were shattered. It does help me that I am not the only one who has these problems. It is hard to be on my own but Philmore always said to me that I am a strong woman and can conquer everything. But since he passed I lost my self-confidence, which was never really strong anyway. I always have the feeling that whatever I do it will end horrible and somehow wrong. I hope that we all soon have really good news and positive and uplifting things will happen to all of us. Sending love and hugs.
The first year I often looked in the mirror and said out loud , Iām a strong independent woman and I can do this . Then always burst into tears. Just wanting Chris back to look after me . Now I avoid the mirror and that saying . Sending hugs X
I feel exactly the same way. But i,m forcing myself to do things as I know that my gorgeous beautiful wife sue wouldnāt want me to give up fighting for life and I made sue a promise to carry on and I have good and bad days.but then I hear sue saying come on donāt be giving up i know you can do this xx
Aw ā¦ @Annaessex are you having a bad day ? Just a baby step at a time - dont try to do too much. Listen to your body and unless you HAVE to do something dont do it ā¦ just rest . Lots of love. You been doing so well of late too xxx
āLittle by little, pain and love will find ways to coexistā quoted from Megan Devineās book āItās OK That Youāre Not OKā.
Take care x
I hope youre right 
x
One can only hope.
Take care x
I am lost every day donāt want to be here without Steve I keep asking him to come get me .i cry every day because heās not here and the pain is so bad I think Iām going mad
Iām so tired and exhausted we had such plans for the future. He left me on the 23rd October and I donāt feel strong enough to go on
I am lost every day too. Every day is still a struggle even after 9 month, donāt think itāll ever change every day I dread of the next day knowing itās going to be another empty and sad day.
Take care everyone x
Such incredible feelings, cannot describe, and comes on at a no notice. Horrid, I am just so ālostā sometimes ā¦ the next so positive. Just strange, but normal, sol I am told. Stay strong my friend, we can do it ā¦ loads love xx
I lost my self-confidence when my lovely Philmore passed away. I always have the feeling that I do everything wrong. Do you have the same feelings or is it just me? I never had a lot of self-confidence anyway but it is now even worse. I am sorry if I repeat myself. I am feeling lost without him. It is almost one year (Valentineās Day 2023) and the nightmare is getting worse. Sending love and hugs to everyone.
Please stay strong. Your strength is needed now more than ever.
Sorry, itās easier said than done but we do need our strength to get through this grief journey x
I feel the same way I didnāt have confidence when steve was here Iām even worse now and my anxiety is terrible I do try every day but I just canāt get there
I know ā¦ said that to myself other day ā¦ when they were here everything seemed so right and now so much seems so wrong a lot of the time in this new awful widow world ā¦ i get glimpses of happiness some days but its a struggle isnt it ā¦and youre not doing everything wrong i think it just feels wrong without them here ā¦ 
nobody to say well done or thats good ā¦ just shows you how much those few words matter ā¦ Xx
Deb5. I can relate to this.even though my family are really supportive but my confidence is very low and yes sometimes I glimpse happiness possible but then I feel so lost and alone again
I know @Martyn2 exactly what youre saying - for a short while you can feel great and then you go down into that black hole ā¦ so hard. But ive decided im just gonna try grab every bit of positivity that i can really because i think it makes us stronger, and martyn try to reach out to friends because i got a couple of dog walker friends who have helped me so much ā¦ as well as all these lovely people on here ofcourse ā¦ xx
You are not alone and it is not self pity! I can relate to what you are saying with the reading, music and so much more.
Your heart is broken. Your world changed forever and so dear person you are feeling exactly the right things. These feelings are normal. Please dont be so hard on yourself. Instead wrap your arms around yourselfā¦fill that broken heart with compassion.
My husband died 4 months ago, we were together 48 years! It hurtsā¦it really really hurts but it should hurt, i remind myself that it should and would hurt ā¦ of course it would! Grief affects both physical and emotional so dear friend be gentle with yourself. 
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Thank you all for your kind replies. Next week (Valentineās Day) will be the first anniversary of my beloved Philmoreās departure. Maybe that is the reason why I am so down and without any hope. It is so hard to be on my own and nothing makes sense anymore. Sending love and hugs to everyone.
