I love sleep. It is kind and gentle, usually, although I still don’t dream of John. I just hate the moment I wake up and realise I didn’t die during the night as I should have. I think a lot of us on here feel the same? I can’t understand why I haven’t died from a broken heart. My neighbours parents died within 10 weeks of each other. He said his Mum just gave up on life after his Dad died.
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Hi there, I feel the same. I love sleep as it takes me away from the nightmare I am living and hate it when I wake up as it means I have to get through another day without him. My partner died at the end of June and I beg and plead for him to come and get me every night. The world lost its sparkle when my buddy died. I’m 45 and hate the thought of him not being here and dread the future so much. I hate this pain of missing him. I’m sorry I have no words of comfort to help. Take care x
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good afternoon John’s wife,
when Alan first passed away, all I wanted was to be with him, I won’t go into detail what deterred me from joining him, suffice to say, my thoughts changed.
I’ve just had a phone call from one of Alan’s friends telling me another if his friends has passed away, was found on the floor by his sister, His wife passed away the day after Alan’s funeral 2 yrs 4 months ago. He never came to terms with losing his wife,
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen🦋
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Dear John’s wife
You are’nt alone with these thoughts. Ever since my darling wife Anne of 50yrs passed - coming up 15months ago - I’ve gone to bed every night praying that I die in the night. I then wake up in the morning knowing when I was asleep I was happy. Then the heart sinking realisation that I’ve got to plod through another day without her just surviving because my wretched body just won’t die. I wish I had the courage to end it myself but the devastation it would bring to our lovely children is unimaginable. So I carry on simply surviving because I have no choice. I’m Sorry my post isn’t uplifting my friend but its just who I am. Ive lost the spark of life.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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@Safaia1966 I plead the same as you. John would do anything for me so I suppose they are so far away they can’t hear us. It’s so sad there are so many of us in a world we never wanted. All those dreams gone. Take care
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I have never slept as much since Ron died.Mind you I stay up very late and just watch TV. I get up at nearly 12 noon every day.I just look on it as passing half a day not wasting it. I used to want to die.I still don’t care if covid gets me.J am no longer afraid of dying. But I somehow get through the day.I live a little.I don’t cry as much.I have started to look at a few photo’s. I can listen to sad songs again.I have a voluntary job.But it is not the life I want. I just want it to be as it was before.
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@Geoff999 My girls understand that if I die suddenly I will be happy. I was brought up a Christian Sunday school and all that. I don’t have any faith now but remember being told if you kill yourself you go to hell. I know my darling, kind, gentle John is definitely not there so I can’t risk it.
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@Day_at_a_Time I hope your friend is with his wife now. What a happy thought for them both. I hope for better days x
@Angiejo1 I have lots of photos and some great videos of us. I love watching and hearing his voice. I cry a lot of course but it brings back memories. I am working hard to get him into my dreams. I also watch a lot of TV and go to bed late. We never bothered with 
You have done better than me getting a voluntary job. We retired early. It’s very true we do have to get through each day when before the time seemed to rush by.
John’s wife.I so wish I could watch a video with Ron’s voice on but it would tear me apart. I once turned on a holiday video online and I cried all day. I have a wedding video and one day I hope to have it transferred to a DVD but not just yet. I have never dreamt of Ron and I do wish I could.I never want to forget his face and voice.
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I have always considered that life is a precious gift and still do, no matter what hardships is thrown at us. I considered following Brian the day he died and gave myself six months to sort everything out. Then I was ill myself and realised that I still wanted to live. Without this gift of life we would never have had all the happy events in our life to remember. The family and soulmates we have loved. Now that it is more painful does not mean that I want to give up on it. I still find things to keep me occupied and make my life something that resembles reasonable. My heart is breaking but my husband fought for his life and I intend to fight for mine and not wish it away.
Blessings
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My sentiments exactly Pat agree whole heartedly, I am now living my different life with Alan at my side in spirit and the future memories I make are for both of us. He lives on within my heart, just as Brian lives on within you. life is precious
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen🦋
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Hi Jen
I thought you might be of the same opinion. Whatever and wherever I go Brian is with me. I look for signs from him. I try to lead as normal a life as it is possible. That is not to say I don’t have my bad days but I always find something to do even if it’s a walk or work in my garden. There is so much beauty in nature all around us that it seems a shame to waste it. I love the countryside and visit our nearby seafront which Brian loved and lived by all his life. It never fails to lift me.
Pat xxx
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I will try to remember your advice 
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Dear Pattidot
It seems we all grieve in different ways and perhaps heal to a greater or lesser extent in different ways. Ive never found advice or suggestions from truly well meaning folk to be of any value. My emotions and feelings over ride the cognitive process. So far I’ve not been lucky enough to have found the comfort you recieve through walking in the country or working in the garden. Maybe deep down I dont want to find comfort ? All I can say is I worshipped the ground my sweet Anne walked on despite our differences on occasions. She was and still is my Soul Mate and I just cant forget her despite anything I’ve tried to involve myself in since she passed. Every song that I hear whether outwardly or inwardly I instantly change the words to love phrases dedicated to my Anne. And even have the ability to make them rhyme. Anne was my world and now she’s gone Im always half the person I was, and always will be. It doesn’t matter whether Anne would like to see me like this. I am who I am. Maybe I have an obsessional personality? Or maybe I love my Anne more than life itself.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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@Geoff999 You will never forget your lovely wife Anne of course you won’t. None of us will ever forget the person that made our lives complete. I think of John every moment of every day. I can’t wait to be with him again.
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Hi,
I lost my partner Mike of 30 years nearly 6 months ago and I am struggling so much… Sixth months on and what feels like a bleak future ahead and the desire to pull the duvet over my head and withdraw from the world is overwhelming…
But the thing that has helped me keep going is, I can… I do have a future, I don’t know what it will bring and it will be missing the love of my life, but I have what Mike hasn’t, life, and for him, I will keep going, lonely and missing him every moment, but I have, what was taken from him, so, hard as it is, I need to keep going, as I know if Mike had had a choice, he would have chosen life.
I am thinking of you, it’s so very hard, just the worst, there are no words to describe the pain.
Best wishes
Jayne
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Do not despair, everything has a specific time, make your determination stronger and smile for every beautiful moment. Do a favor and forget the past, you will not be able to change it
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I know just how you feel it’s so hard to carry on without your partner. They are in your thoughts every second of the day . I have considered committing suicide just to be with my partner. I really miss him and hate my life without him he was my soulmate.
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Hi Geoff
Your love for Anne is indeed a wonderful thing but just because I don’t want to give up on my life does not mean that I don’t have exactly the same feelings for Brian. I loved Brian more than life itself and wouldn’t accept that he was going to leave me. I had fought for ten years to do everything I could to keep him alive and he was my best friend and soul mate, he was my world. I miss him just the same as other members of this forum. There is not a day that I don’t have a good cry and I am coming up to two years. What I am doing though is trying to make my life worth living because I didn’t want to feel so rotten and miserable for the rest of my life so I have used the things that we did together and enjoyed to give me some quality of life. We loved gardening although it caused occasional difference of opinions. We was keen walkers, rock climbers and cyclists. He enjoyed sailing, which didn’t interest me, he was a musician and a painter. I am truly proud of my man and lost and alone without him by my side but I intend to make him proud as I know he would have got on with life with or without me. He is never far from my thoughts and will be in my heart forever so I don’t want anyone to think that I am moving on without him and now over my grief just because I don’t agree with giving up on my life.
Take care Geoff
Pat
xxx
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