I lost my Dad just over three months ago. I had a bad history of depression and anxiety before Dad was diagnosed.
The depression at the high level I had it between 2008-2015 was at times dangerous. It had been more or less under control with medication albeit with large amounts of medication off label from a consultant, from 2015-2024.
Dad was diagnosed with cancer early November 2023 and died six weeks later.I don’t know how, but I powered myself through those heartbreaking 6weeks and looked after him and was positive and calm in front of him. So it shocked me that straight after he died I went to pieces and then some clinical depression returned.Then my employers were hostile towards me having a phase-back, even tho the MH history makes it a disability, They made it abundantly clear that I was not wanted so I left rather than risk failing or risk the effect of trying to keep the job when I knew they wanted me to leave.
Within a week of experiencing the now former employer’s hostility that i first experienced26/1-24 ,the depression became much worse. I’ve been pretty unwell since the end of January.The meds have been increased.
Several loyal kind friends have helped me get through my days.They have listened and talked to me so much. But after all this time of relying on them I feel I need to stop having contact for their sake because I am so upset that my misery and distress is or risks making them sad, low, drained and possibly frustrated.Usually I don’t know I’m going to get upset or I don’t think I will get upset so I arrange to see or I phone them and then it just happens. Sometimes it really helps to see them.We even laugh and I feel I’ve not been a drain.But a lot of the time I end up crying or distraught.Some of the them have happy but really busy lives.Some have a life that is already difficult or at least is not easy.It is upsetting me so much to do this to them that until I know I won’t be in pieces I need to stop contact.The last thing I want to do is to bring any of them down as a result of contact with me.
I have just started receiving the daily Sue Ryder text message.They are relevant and comforting. Yesterday’s text said that success-in- grief does not necessarily mean feeling better, that success can be by virtue of simply feeling, and that expressing the feelings is advisable even if they are negative ones. I agree that if it isn’t expressed and felt then that can lead to complications later. Nonetheless I will have limit this to expressing it in “letters to Dad,”and writing in my diary and when I phone a helpline.I have phoned the Samaritans twice and both people I spoke to were so good.
The hospice where Dad died offered grief counselling. I went on Wednesday ,into the same area of the same building where Dad died.It took a lot to go there. Then the grief counsellor said I did not qualify because I am already under a psychiatrist. I tried to explain that major grief may bring on depression and anxiety but major grief itself is unique and is completely different to anything I’ve known. She said that I must be speaking to the psychiatrist about the grief and I agreed. She actually asked if grief is different to depression. I found this lack knowledge/ insight from a grief counsellor surprising. I can understand the view that if you are being treated with meds and therapy from a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression then grief counselling amounts to having the same help twice, that using resources in these circumstances shouldn’t be allowed. I don’t agree but I understand the view.
So that means I can’t let out the grief at grief counselling. I can’t cope with burdening friends/adversely affecting them. I have asked for support from Mind but don’t know if they will also refuse me on the same grounds. And I’m on a waiting list with Sue Ryder as well for grief counselling so they may understandably have to refuse.This leaves me with the half hour every 5days talking to my psychiatrist, (who is wonderful and without whom I would not be alive now). I pay for this and as kind as he is in keeping the cost down, I can’t afford more as I am not working.Then I am left with writing in my diary and “writing to Dad.” I hope this will be enough expression of feelings for it to be successful grief, enough to make the pain level of the grief, the replays, the regrets, the pannick attacks, nausea ,the depression and anxiety , for all of this to get better over time.I need more help than I can pay for or access free. I hope I can still grieve successfully.
Has any one else been refused grief counselling on this basis?
Does anyone here who had depression and anxiety have experience of trying successful grief by diary” letters”helplines with or without a psychiatrist/ medical help?
Was it enough ?
Has anyone else had avoid contact with friends due to concerns about how you are or might be affecting them?
Any feedback or advice would be so welcome.
Thank you.I’m sorry for going on and on.