I read your post this morning and didn’t respond as not sure I can offer much support. But while out today I continued to think about what you have written. I just want you to know you’ve been heard.
I also have had previous experience on mental health issues, anxieties and agoraphobia due to an undiagnosed condition and severe depression but not as severe as you describe. But what I remembered today was how I felt at that time. My thoughts were very erratic, very not me, it’s hard to explain in a message but everything about me and my behaviour, the way I felt was very different.
I felt I couldn’t ask for help at the time but eventually was forced to. If you feel your friends feel pressured to help you out seem reluctant, then by all means let them go but if your friends want to be there for you, then let them help, they clearly want to. Don’t push people away if they want to be there.
It’s hard to put the right thing into words but try not to let your demons take control, easier said than done I know.
Keep going with the psychiatrist, it all helps. Grief I feel is a separate thing going on for you, grief alone is so hard, the pain of loss is excruciating and dark thoughts on top of your mental health aren’t good but they are also a part of grief. Nothing takes the grief away, you just have to walk through it.
I wish you the best of luck. Keep fighting, I’m sure it must be exhausting but don’t give up!