"You don't move on, you carry on"

[Cathphil]

“You don’t move on, you carry on”

I just heard this on BBC news this morning . It was said by someone who had lost her husband to murder.

Those words just resonated with me SO much. And the best description of how we deal with grief I have heard.

It’s 2 and half years for me now.
This simple phrase made me think how others around me/us make the wrong assumptions. Perhaps they think that because we have managed to carry on, we have moved on?

We know the difference … And that simply just trying to ‘carry on’ is what makes it so utterly exhausting ALL the time.

It hit a chord with me, so just thought I would share it

Love, hugs and strength to you all as we try to carry on …

[Hope5]

Hi and that is so true thanks because it sums up just how i feel .2 uears in april for me and i feel exhausted every day living is so hard without them by our sides and i miss him and dont see that ever changing .Love doasnt die when they die it carries on .love and support to you all xx

[JD8369]

Never a truer thing said. I’m 12 months in on my journey. I lost my husband to sudden traumatic death, he went to work on what seemed like a normal day and he never got to come home. We don’t move on, we carry on because our only choices are live or die. The pain doesn’t become easier, we just learn to cope. People who have never been on this road don’t really have a clue, they think we have a funeral and then it’s all over. For us, it’s a life shattering hell that we have to learn to navigate. Sending love and strength to you.

[Poppet1973]

I lost my beloved husband 14 weeks ago to cancer, he was 50.
Ive been told to move on and find someone else and that was a few days before the funeral. Ive been told I’m strong, but it was being with my husband that made me that way.
After 22 years I feel like half a person, people say im strong by getting up and going out, but I only go out when I need to. I just sit in bed all day everyday just watching tv, I don’t bother to get dressed, if I have to go out I just put my jeans and top over them and come back and take them off again.
The truth is that I’ve hit rock bottom and evernight I go to sleep hoping to join my beloved husband, I wake up asking why am I still here. The thought of calling it quits is what I want but don’t want to put my children through that.
Im not living anymore, just existing waiting for the day I can be with him again.

[Bill2]

Poppet you are just like myself i lost my wife nearly 2 and half years ago we were together 46 years married 44 years her family have not spoken or seen me since the funeral they don’t know how much that hurts people say to me you must meet a lady friend no way how can i replace my lovely wife she was 66 when she suddenly past miss her so much

[Bill2]

I still sit and cry because she doesn’t hear and see the things that i do i feel so guilty and still look for her hoping she may come back silly i know but that’s how i feel all the best to you

[JD8369]

May I offer my sincere condolences to you and your family at this extremely difficult time. This road is one of the hardest I have ever found myself on and my heart bleeds for you.

You are still very early days on this road. Your emotions, thoughts and feelings will be jumbled and heightened. Take it an hour at a time. Don’t look in to the future because it’s a killer and you’ll never move forward.

Like you, I also wanted to die, we go from a couple to just us on our ones. Our whole existence changes.

I was told I needed to pull myself together and move on around 4 months. People expected that I’d want to go for lunch or drinks and expected me to be okay. I was a mess, I couldn’t process, sleep, eat, I couldn’t relax, I despised what I was faced with. Our adult children aged 19 and 23 kept me alive, barely breathing but my heart keeps beating nonetheless. I was numb, in shock, suicidal, stressed to the maximum and I hated everything. I still do, I’m just calmer on the exterior. I have isolated, it’s too painful to talk about, people are insensitive and stupid, my husband was 54 and I 48, I thought we had at least another 30 years. His dad is 82 and still does star jumps and squats.

This new year hit and my reality has changed, it’s now starting to sink in that this is all real, my love is never coming home. The only advice I can offer is keep going, no matter what your keep going looks like, it doesn’t matter, take that hot bubble bath, cry, scream, eat little and often, keep talking, you will learn to cope, it’s so hard, I won’t lie, If I didn’t have my kids I would choose not to live with this pain, but like you I’d never want to inflict further pain and suffering on my babies, so for now take baby steps until you are ready. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel or what you should or shouldn’t do. This is your journey.

Sending huge hugs and strength. You’ve got this xx

[Poppet1973]

Thank you for your kind words, I feel like ive been robbed of another 30 or 40 more years.

[JD8369]

That’s why I advised to not look beyond today. If we look to far in to the future it sets us up to fail. I also feel robbed, they have been stolen from us far to prematurely. I have an inquest and investigation to face, if I think about that I want to just run away. Remember everyday that you have value and purpose in this world and you are loved and we are all here routing for one another xx

[Poppet1973]

Thank you, I know that I shouldn’t think about it but it’s the only thing keeping me going.
Im so angry with the hospital, all they had to do was a biopsy, instead they kept sending him home.

[Nancy123]

Yes, you carry on, or try to. I thought it would be easier than this. Wow, was I wrong.

[Nancy123]

I’ve had people say things that would make me cringe. They have no clue. I had a friend tell me at 4 months, too, that I had a “bad year” and to come up and visit them. Get on a plane? I couldn’t get out of the house at that point. It was just starting to hit me at 4 months.

[JD8369]

It’s so bad, our lives are in the hands of a broken system and we are supposed to put our trust in them to look after our people. If you have a case then sue. You have still got to live life and make a future and why should they get away with it. Huge virtual hugs for you though.

I am also having a really difficult day today. A year ago today I was in the bereavement suite at the coroner’s office going to see my deceased husband for the first time, 5 days after he was killed. I slept really badly last night and this morning I felt like I relived that horrible day and the days and weeks after all in one go. I pulled myself together, showered, dressed, put on a little makeup and I felt anxious but okay and so my daughter and I went out for lunch in a beautiful country pub nearby, and I fell apart, the tears would not stop, I felt so sick, I began to sweat, my whole body shaking, I felt so vulnerable. I do have better days, and you will also, but my horrid days hit hard. Love and hugs x

[JD8369]

Yeah people say the most ridiculous things, we know they mean well but if they had any idea how we felt then they would also know how difficult everything is without our person. It doesn’t get easier, we just learn to cope better, my pain is still very raw I have just become more resilient, not today unfortunately, today has been a vile day. I just miss him so much!! Sending love and strength xx

[Poppet1973]

Ive got a solicitor to sue for medical negligence, and the delay cancer diagnosis, ive also put in a complaint with the hospital through PALS.
Im not holding much hope as they’re not going to admit anything.
Win or lose its not going to bring him back to me.
All mark wants is an apology and to hopefully stop them from hurting anymore families.

[Nancy123]

Sending you love and strength, too.

[Cathphil]

Thank you soooo much for 14 of you liking my post … It means so much

2 and half years, and to be completely honest every day just gets harder…
Another day further away from when I had my soulmate, and my happy life…
And another day when EVERYONE else expects me to me “better!”

It’s so hard, I’m so sad, so lonely, so heartbroken, so lost , so exhausted

[Enorac]

“You don’t move on you carry on” yes I guess so but can we reframe that to say instead: carry on until you have moved on?
I write things down and look what I wrote before. To see what is different.
I don’t constantly think about it like I used to. I have got used to a routine where I try to do what I can.
I get anxious trying to do things that I have to force myself to do now and then miss his support. He used to say you will be ok.
He meant I would cope. I remember he said, when he was in hospital, leave until I come home and he died. I try to reframe it.
Say well his spirit is still here. He would have said how to do it. He was such a complicated person on the one hand he wanted to do it and on the other hand he would expect me to be able to as well.

[Poppet1973]

My husband was like yours, he always pushed me to do things outside my comfort zones saying that I can do it.
He always said “if I wasn’t here then no-one is going to do it for you”.
I just never thought that I would be a widow at 51.

[JD8369]

It’s so hard isn’t it, I feel like an alien at 49 being a widow. Couples everywhere mine and my husband’s age and there is just me. I’ve not been single in 35 years. I don’t rate it.