I was with my partner for thirty nine years and he died very suddenly earlier this year.I am always being told how lucky I have been to have been in such a close living relationship and that I must think of all the good times we spent together.
I am very grateful for that but he died due to medical negligence and died prematurely.
Sometimes I think think he’s I was very lucky but why do so many people seem to believe that is how I should feel all the time.The last weeks of his life were horrendous and right now I don’t feel lucky knowing he died due to a catastrophic failure.
I’m in shock and am suffering PTSD and I think it will be quite a long time before I feel lucky.
I have been told how lucky I have been by friends, family and acquaintance.All I can do is agree with them but I am so tired of hearing it,I would much rather they asked how I feel and how I am coping than constantly being told I’m lucky.
Am I just being too sensitive because every time I hear it I just want to cry.
Please forgive the typos I have had an upsetting day and crying as I type.
My sister was trying to be kind the other day and said we should be glad we had them in our lives. Just think of our lives without them. I thought I am facing that right now. I think people who have never been through this and suffered such loss do not understand and don’t really know what to say x
Hi @Pushkin28, I’m sorry you had a difficult day yesterday. It was my first wedding anniversary without my husband so I also had a tough day.
I imagine people feel that if we concentrate on the positive things, like how happy we were, it may comfort us but that is because they don’t understand how our grief feels.
We cannot look back and console ourselves that what we are going through now is ok because we were so happy with our partners. Maybe in time we will get some comfort from those thoughts but all I feel now is how unfair it is and why did this have to happen when we should have had so many more years ahead of us.
I went out with my son yesterday and everywhere I look there seems to be older couples out enjoying themselves. I try not to feel bitter but I’m jealous and sad that I’ve no longer got that.
You are entitled to your feelings pushkin - I’m sorry that others are insensitive but I suppose they are at least trying to help.
I went to the theatre with my daughter yesterday, looking around at all those happy couples, laughing, sharing sweets holding hands. They are the lucky people who probably don’t fully appreciate what they have and how fate can quickly take that away from them. @Pushkin28 your not being sensitive, I would rather be unlucky and have my husband back.
@Flossy3, I still count and celebrate my wedding anniversaries, one of my friends said it doesn’t count anymore, but in my eyes it does, I’m still married and always will be.
@Nel, your right, others need to walk in our shoes to really understand.
Sending love to you all. Debbie X
I am in a similar situation as you, with negligence the cause of my husband’s premature death, I thought I had a few more months to say goodbye.
It’s so tiring pretending I am coping so family and friends don’t feel uncomfortable around me. I don’t begrudge people getting on with their lives but I wish they would understand I feel my life is over. We had so many plans and he was my whole world. I pretend he’s coming home, I cry and even scream when I’m alone.
I feel for you all and no one could ever imagine the pain until it happens to you. Please stay safe.
@Debbie57 - why would someone say that your wedding anniversary no longer counts? That seems a cruel thing to say. It is a difficult thing to face those anniversaries but they count to us as they are a reminder of our partners and the life we shared.
I sometimes feel a deep regret that I didn’t appreciate what I had until it had gone. I hope my husband knew how deeply I loved him but I didn’t tell him often enough.
You would be surprised to know that friend is widow too, her husband died along time ago.
I think we are all guilty of regrets, I’m always telling my children, don’t go to bed on silly arguments and tell your partner how much you love them, because you never know when it is too late.
I know Doug knew how much I loved him, but your right I didn’t tell him enough. X X
I know,it is exactly as you say,we have to face it every day for the rest of our lives.It’s truly awful and I won’t be the only one who wants to turn back time.x
I just feel so hopeless and helpless.Malcolm died in January and I still don’t have a cause of death except that he was treated for a condition he didn’t actually have.
Medical negligence and premature death makes it so much worse for me.I have had the funeral and have to face an inquest.I don’t know if I will feel any better when all that is out of the way but I don’t think I could possibly feel worse than I do now.
I used to pretend he was in hospital or at work but we still have to face reality.I should imagine everyone who is in here feels desperate and lonely.x
Perhaps some people weren’t happily.married we were very lucky to have been happy but the price is so unbearably high.x
I understand what you say about some people saying you are ‘lucky’. My daughter died tragically and my sister in law kept telling me how ‘lucky’ I was because I still have my grandchildren. I’m not lucky and not are my grandkids. We lost my daughter and their mum. That’s not lucky. That’s a catastrophe for us. Im not sure if people say such things to make themselves feel better or if they are just insensitive or plain dim. I am so sorry for your loss. If you are managing to start to cope by changing your car and beginning to build a life I don’t call you lucky, I call you strong and brave. Since my loss I have really found out who my friends are and also those who would rather not offer support and one friend said ‘get in touch when you feel better’ another insensitive and thoughtless response. I am starting to learn who can support me and who is just a fair weather friend. From all you say you are learning to cope, I for one salute you and recognise that it is painfully difficult to move forward. Each day is a struggle and self care is what you are doing and you count in the world. Your feelings and your struggle is important and very valid. I wish you peace and acceptance. It’s no easy journey but be kind to yourself as you travel. Best wishes x
Hi Pushkin28
It was 6 weeks yesterday since I lost my soulmate & his last days in hospital were horrendous . I truly believe that if he had been taken to a different hospital he would still be here. People tell me to think of all the happy times but I can’t because every time I try to think of happy memories or try to feel him in my heart all the horrible things he went through come flooding back & I am haunted by them. It’s true people never really understand what it’s like till it happens to them. I know they mean well but please do not feel like you are being too sensitive because you are not & you cry all the tears you need because it’s you that has to cope with the grief not them. Sending you big hugs. XXX
Net
You have left me speechless Nell…literally what a wonderful message and so incredibly moving for me.You sound like a truly are inspiring person.x
Six weeks is no time at all,Malcolm died almost four months ago he died three weeks after spending four nights in hospital.He was treated for a condition he didn’t have so my mind steers clear of thinking about the happy times.
I’ve used the same word horrendous along with words like hopeless and helpless.
My heart goes out to you Net.x
I know how you are feeling, my husband died suddenly November 1st 2021 after spending 3 weeks in hospital , he also should have come home, but due to poor care he never did and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
I can never forgive the hospital for the time he spent with them and I will never get over the horrendous time he spent with them. It doesn’t get any easier 6 months on. Sending you love
Hi JackieMy
My heart goes out to you because I know exactly what you are going through. We put our loved ones in the care of professionals & then when they have done their worst we don’t even get to say goodbye. It haunts me every day thinking about what Phil went through.
Net xxx
It’s ghastly,Malcolm and I were massively let down by his GP and the local hospital.Then foolishly we end up blaming ourselves.
It doesn’t make any difference to me when people tell me it isn’t my fault…they haven’t gone through the headache we have.I’m of the firm opinion that unless you have it going through something like this yourself that no one can understand how we feel…this makes us feel even more lonely and isolated.xx
Pushkin28
So true, people tell me all the time you did the best you could but my best wasn’t good enough because he is not here. So many if only I had done this or this he would still be here. It does make us feel more lonely & isolated.
Sending lots of love to you xxx
It’s the guilt and the worst of it is that ones who are guilty of neglect hide behind the the large government bodies.They seem protection from the truth.x