I hope my words will help at least some of you. I lost my Husband very suddenly to a heart attack on Christmas day 2017. Then my Mum just 4 weeks later. I really couldn’t see a how I was going to get through it.
The worst part is all of the admin that you have to face while trying to cope with the overwhelming and relentless grief. Funeral arrangements, pensions, informing service providers insurance companies and banks, dealing with pension companies, all of whom tell you how sorry they are for your loss while making life a nightmare sending endless forms that your frazzled brain can’t cope with filling in. It all seemed so hopeless . I just wanted to run away, or hide under my duvet.
But I decided that I had to face it head on, I had to deal with it. Somehow I managed to handle it all. I did a bit each day and then went out. Sometimes for a walk on the beach with my dog, or to our local club for a drink with friends. You really do need to socialise even though you don’t want to. It does help, don’t be afraid to laugh and to talk about those who you have lost. I realised that the terrible fear of the future that was eating away at me was because I was now single and having to face it alone. I was single before I was married and I managed then, I can do it now.
Now it is July. Coming on for 7months after my Husband’s death, I have a part time bar job which gives me focus, I play indoor bowls and meet with a craft group every few weeks. I no longer feel as though I have been set adrift. I am going out, I don’t mind coming home alone. I feel comfortable in my home but do not feel trapped there. I still have sad days, but I now know that the feeling will subside and I do something to distract myself from the sadness,. I will never stop missing them but I have learned to live with it. Life really does have to go on.
I don’t miss having a man in my life, I miss him terribly as a person and my best friend, I talk to him most days, but I know that I will be OK on my own. I have changed my life and am now in control of it. You can do it, I know that winter will probably be difficult with the long nights but I have decided to go back to writing, even if I never publish, it will give me something to focus on.
Life will never be the same but it will go on. Look for the positives, don’t dwell on the negatives. Never be afraid to change your course.
I don’t know what the future will bring, but I am no longer afraid of it. What will be will be. I will never forget them, they walk beside me every day, they live in my heart and my memory, but they have their own journey now, we walk different paths, untill we meet again.
I wish you all love peace and the strength to get through your grief. I hope my story is of some comfort. X
Kezz,
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful post. I am truly sorry for the loss you have experienced but it’s lovely to hear that you’ve found a way to move forwards that suits you and are no longer afraid of the future.
I’m sure this will bring some comfort to many people in this community.
Take care,
Eleanor
Hello Kezz
Thank you for offering all of us a little ray of hope! Fear of the future on one’s own really compounds grief and can make our journies even harder so it is reassuring to hear of someone overcoming it. Not everyone will have the same opportunities - and age and circumstances will all play a part - but if we can each actively look for the good things that still exist in our changed world it does help a lot. I hope that all goes well with you and that the future for everyone on this site will be brighter than we fear.X
Hi Kezz Just need to say thank you for your post,i found comfort reading it, that you have travelled forward on your journey since losing your loved ones,and you are so right what will be will be,as we cannot change everything we wish to in our lives,i am taking small steps each day like yourself and carrying the love of my husband with me wherever I go,it is 18 weeks since he passed at age 59 yrs,i will read your post again when im feeling low as it gives me hope,it was my first wedding anniversary without him yesterday,36 years of marriage,but I survived as we all will somehow,love and strength to you and everyone on this site x
Hi Robina. I had to endure the first boxing day, new years eve, new years day, his granddaughters 9th birthday Jan 2nd, John (my late husband’s ) birthday Jan 4th and his oldest Grandsons birthday Jan 8th All in exactly 2 weeks after his death. It was pure hell. We find the strength to get through it somehow because we have to. I know that you can do it. I miss John and Mum every day but I can’t change anything. I wish you love and strength. Make him proud. You will find your feet and be all the stronger for it x
I have just read your beautiful post and others responses and how much better it makes one feel. Thank you so much for sharing your story and the endless nightmare of the form filling. I remember very well the fear of the postman’s visit and knowing that more forms would be there on the Hall carpet. The fear of tomorrow and the day after without your soulmate/love one is the main thing for most of us but life does go on and we have to learn to continue. Once again thank you and bless you for sharing.
S
Hi my name is david.
I lost my wife suddenly at the age of 62 on the 9th of may. Her birthday was a month later in June . It was and has been the worst time of my life ,I like you feel totally devistated , I’m trying to get on with life but I feel so lost ,empty , my heart has been ripped out. It feels like 39 years of marriage has just been robbed from me . I am new to the site and hope it will help me to understand.
I envy you. It is 16 months since my husband died. I do all the things you do to fill my life but l have lost my security, the person who anchored me to the earth. I am floating in a meaningless vacuum. I wake up shaking every morning. There are no pills for loneliness and for me no solution. Glad you are feeling better. Regards, Pattoa.
Hello Modav(David) so sorry for the loss of your lovely wife and that you find yourself joining this site for that reason,yes none of us want to be here,one thing I found on here is it is a place where everyone understands what we feel,as there are many we meet each day in our lives who just do not have a clue how bad this feels.I know what you mean when you say you feel robbed,i wanted many more years with my lovely hubby,i wanted us to grow old together,there are no set answers to getting through this,i just take one day at a time,i try to keep busy some of the time but I also feel its good just to have quiet time to feel whatever emotion you are feeling,some on here who have grieved longer after there loss say the rawness and heavy heart feeling gets a little easier with time.It seems so unreal and the hardest thing we will ever try to accept.Keep posting whatever you feel,thinking of you and every one going through this today.x
Hi Kezz
I too lost my husband suddenly 2nd of feb , he just didn’t wake up, I’m struggling everyday,and you are so right when you say you have to deal with either “sorry for your loss” from the day to day bills etc just to take Andys name off,then get a letter 3 days later addressed to both of you, when you haven’t got the headspace to deal with things as you are broken.im glad and taking strength from how positive and strong you sound, I do hope you get your work published,if it’s anything like your post (no pressure) it gives us all hope ,in very different ways,that although the grief will never end, and there will always be bad days, there may just be some ok days too. So once again thank you for what you said, take care x
It is a constant battle but keeping busy helps. I hope that you start to feel better soon. I had lost my confidence but starting to work again has helped with that. It was really hard at first, I was scared of everything, but I am slowly starting to build a life without them. You will find a way through, just believe in yourself xxx
Hello David. I hope that you find a way through your grief. It is different for all of us. But just joining this site helped me. It was a comfort to know that I was not alone with my fears and feelings. I am sure that I will stumble along the way but now know that it will pass. I wish you well with you own journey, just remember that you are not alone.
I understand that floating feeling. It is as though you have been set adrift but you will suddenly realise that you can take control of the helm again. I am by no means over it. I just realised that I needed to take back control and not allow my misery to plot my course. I will never stop missing John, as you will never stop missing your Husband, but we have to go on. I wish you well x
Thank you. I am glad that my words helped you. I realise that not everyone can deal with their loss the way I do but I just wanted to give people hope. Nothing can prepare you for the terrible feelings that we all experience. The feeling of panic, hoplessness, isolation (I actually felt invisible in a crowd at first) The horrible knotted stomach and the overwhelming need to run away. I never thought that it would end. I still have my moments and probably always will, but I am determined not to let it beat me. Good luck with your own battle. You will win in the end x
Thank you for your positive post Kezz and I am really glad life is on the up for you.
However, you are also right to acknowledge that “not everyone can deal with their loss the way I do”. We are all different ages and characters and our personal situations and opportunities are not the same. Please don’t think you are failing with your own ‘battle’ if you are not making this sort of progress, especially at an early stage in grief when many of us still feel completely overwhelmed. I am also at the 7 month mark but have a very long way to go. It cannot be the same for everyone sadly.
Good luck to everyone x
AnnC I hope you find your way through this. I am not sure how it happened but we scattered my Husband’s ashes at sea on Father’s Day and I started work at around the same time. Suddenly out of the blue things seemed clearer and I could start to see a way ahead. I still miss him every day, and I often find myself talking to him. I do feel that now his ashes have been released that he is at peace. Mum was a different situation because I think I grieved for her last year. She had given up and no matter what any of us did it made no difference. So I was relieved for her when she died. We all have our own journey. I will never get over loosing John, but I am finding a way of living with it. I wish you well and hope that you find you own path x
Hello. Although I read messages this is my first time posting. My husband, of 34 years, died 8 months ago 16 months after diagnosis. He was so brave. Towards the end of his life he told me several things which have really helped me. He told me to get on with life as it can be short and take twist and turns. He told me to ask for help - so I do when I need it. When he was ill I wanted to stop working to be with him but he insisted I carried on as he said I would need it! How was he so right? Like the originally poster of this thread I get out every day. I walk! It has helped me so much. I plug into my music and walk! My circle of friends have been brilliant -some more so than others.
Hi Ajd, it was so nice to read your very positive post. Your husband may have been brave but you are even braver. Yes he was right life does have many twist and turns and whether we want it or not we have to go with it. Being busy is the best thing not only to get through the day but time passes quicker, so you have less time to be alone with your thoughts. I love getting out and walking, even in the heat we have at the moment. You see such lovely things and it does make me appreciate where I live. Keep well.S
Hi Susie. Thank your for your kind reply. I went to a funeral this morning. Same crematorium! And yes I felt quite brave. Hope you are having a lovely day. X
Hi kezz
Thank you so much for sharing this
I lost my everthing on 18.4.2019
I feel so lost and different emotions
I feel frightened that some of my feelings are not normal
Am glad I read yours post I keep telling myself that I have to stay strong and postive some days are better than others
Cat