Hi Lesley
The house is so horrid,you are so right. You just so want that empty chair to have someone in it. i just cannot believe he is gone forever, yet i know he is.
when my man was so ill my little grandsons visited
he was in his own world by then but they just seem to bring him back and made him so happy… life is so cruel. Bay say,s go and get grandad i get you a bright torch and a rocket ( he thinks he is in the sky) he then lost his other grandad to covid 6 weeks later…life has to go around us ,while we just survive …waiting for i know not what.XXX
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Hello Penny C
I feel exactly like you. My husband died in November 2020. He died of Sepsis. I wasn’t allowed to visit him until the last couple of hours of his life when he was unconscious. No celebration of his life either. He was 70 and I am 68 - been with him since I was 15 and married at 19. I feel totally robbed.
I too am struggling to sleep and cannot concentrate. I’m also learning to live on my own for the first time in my life and miss him so much. The only people who understand what we are going through are the people on this site - who have been through similar experiences losing their partners. It’s not a club I ever wished to join
Sending a virtual hug - take care
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Hi Penny and all, I am four years on. I find i don’t cry every day now but i think of him every day most of the day. my husband Stephen is the first thing i think of when i wake up and the last thought i have every night. Never had a problem sleeping as i knew it was the only way to keep him here. Though i could here him in my dreams it is only lately that i see him. Might be because perhaps i might have finely accepted he is no longer. He past away January 2017 from cancer and sepsis at 59 a month before his 60th birthday. Still have most of his belongings and our beloved dog who also felt the loss and shut down for months. Couldn’t of got through this without him. Even though i have children and grandchildren. Though i am four years on i only joined this group a month ago. Could never have done this within the first two years so you are doing better than you think. Will never get over it you, just try and live with it. We were together for over forty years married thirty four. Stay strong and take care. xxx Poppy16
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Hi Penny,
I think it is something we will never, ever get over. My husband was 69 too - he even said to me ‘thought I might make 70 but never mind’. I met a friend the other day who said to me ‘what about meeting someone else, you’re only young?’. Well, apart from the fact 67 is not exactly young, I think people just don’t understand how difficult grief is. She said ‘why don’t you just go for a meal with somebody, not live with them’. I said possibly way into the future, but at the moment I really don’t think that will ever happen (and I don’t want it to). Like myself, my mum lost my dad when she was 65, and said she would never bother with anyone else. She lived until she was 97 and just wanted family around her. She moved in a few doors down from us and was happy on her own. My husband was always there for her - sadly she died five years before my husband but he was always there to help me to try to get over things. Now I just feel extremely lost and lonely and just want my husband back. I guess one day I will get used to this life xxx
Hi poppy58 Your message has made me realise i am not crazy but have a long journey still to do.
It was a comfort to think all this crying may ease.My husband passed away from Sporadic cjd i knew something was not right for 3 + years but i thought it was me by the time we realised something was wrong it was too late , lost him 6 weeks later…so much guilt. we wre married just 50 years, thank-you together since i was 16. life just seems pointless 2nd year so much harder without him. thank-you for your kind words. take care and keep safeXX polly1
Ah, how sad Polly, I bet your heart aches when your grandson says things like that. And how sad also that he lost his other grandad too. I’m not sure how we survive these things 
xx
Ah Sheila26,
How very sad that our husbands won’t know their grandchildren - it makes you wonder what life is all about xx
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Hi Lonely,
Yes, it is much like Groundhog Day, isn’t it? Doing the things we have to but finding no joy in anything. I too met my husband when I was 18 and we were together for 47 years. I feel like I am just existing now - can’t really see any light at the end of the tunnel. So lucky that we had our husbands for that long, but so tragic that everything has stopped now.
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that last question you asked i think is the main unknown we all ask. i only see a darkness in front of me. I can’t break through that darkness so i don’t and can’t see a future.
They say we have a future but not the one we want, I feel if it is not the one we want, what is the point living in darkness and I will never feel joy again. I am 57 and will probably live another 20yrs in pain, that I do not want, I am struggling from one day to another. Sorry for being negative, every thing is tragic and there isn’t any thing we can do about it just exist.
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You aren’t being negative, you are being real. I feel your pain as it’s also my pain. I thing from reading other’s stories that it does get easier to, not move on as that’s not an option to me, live another day I guess. I feel I have to live the next day even if in pain because to me life is a gift just as our partners were a gift to us. I can’t turn my back on the gift of life. I’m 71 almost 72 so who knows how long is left. My husband was only 45 when he passed, My toy boy. He was tested for covid and he was neg. We’re here for each other while we travel this path laid out for us. And it hurts intensely. Keep real and please post here again as you travel this path so I know how you are get on. [[[[Hugs]]]]
Thank you! Audrey-Rose for your reply and sorry for your pain its so unfair this life, I know it is a gift but there are things I can`t except. Your husband was so young to be taken from you, as was mine, he passed at 66 on his birthday. Yes it hurts intensely and I am grateful for this forum. Thank you for your kind thoughts as we travel on this path.
Take care and hugs x
Dear Sheila
Twelve months ago me and husband were planning our retirement together. Holidays, jobs to finish in the bungalow, trips out with our grandson never imagining that less than 3 months later he would be gone. I certainly never planned to be by myself at 60 and struggle every day without him.
Like your Peter I could rely on my husband to do all the DIY in the house. Now I have to either try and tackle the jobs or get someone in. I have gave up on all those who said just give us a shout if you need anything, my pleas for help have fallen on deaf ears far too often now. I feel so alone and vulnerable most days but when those you thought might help fail to do so it is a double blow. Especially as my husband was always called upon and willing went to the aid of others.
I sometimes wish I had a walled garden where I could hide away and wait out my time.
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Dear Sheila and Sheila. It is just over a year ago since I lost peter and like you have never lived on my own before I am now having to do jobs mainly to do with cars as peter was the expert and would know what to do I have fond all this hard I have been trying to get rid of his old car to scrap and have had loads of trouble with that. All the things he helped me with I am struggling to do I woke up this morning and everything seems so hard to manage I am crying as I am writing this the world seems a lonely place without him in it. I will be 70 in a few days time and can only see a lonely existence stretched in front of me its all getting on top of me and I am usually such a strong person. Love to all. X
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Hello Jen 123
I’m so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with everything - but I can totally understand. I too am struggling with all the things my husband did. Don’t know much about vehicles - Keith did all that - besides gardening, cutting grass etc. Such a lot of things I’ve had to make decisions about and learn when I really haven’t a clue.
Watched the football last night - but it’s not a lot of fun on our own is it? All the joy seems to have gone from life.
Hoping you start to feel a bit better today- sending hugs
Dear Jen153
I am so sorry. I got rid of my husband’s car to the local garage but had loads of problems with breakdowns before I got it there and the bank cancelled our AA membership in error. Have you got anyone to help if you were to call ‘webuyanycar’. I know they charge an administrative fee but I think they take cars in whatever condition.
My birthday was 2 months after my husband died but to be honest the only way to cope was to just cancel it out in my mind and that is the way it will stay. We always hid a secret message in our cards and this can never be replicated. I still have his 60th birthday card (he died only a few months after this) and look at the message I placed in the card.
Like yourself I considered myself to be a strong person but it is a difficult road we now find ourselves on. I hope that the car gets resolved.
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hello @jack10 your words are how I feel too.
Eight months after losing my husband and I feel like I look like I am coping and I can be very cheerful sometimes now but afterwards I am usually exhausted. People congratulate me all the time on “how well you’re doing” or “so strong”. I feel like laughing hysterically in their faces but instead I smile sweetly and nod.
A few months before my husband died I turned 40… life was supposed to begin then not end.
Now I am 41. He never knew me when I was 41… he wouldn’t recognise me in every way and I go through every day to go to the next day like a runner on a marathon taking it step by painful step but when I get to the end of the marathon what will I win… I don’t believe in anything that I will meet him again or any gods so the most I can look forward to is being useful to the worms.
I just feel such mental agony and like this can’t be real. I keep trying so so hard every single day. Minute by minute sometimes straining versus my instincts… trying to keep living when it is necessary. I’ve got so much support, all kinds of drugs I never knew about before, support group, parents/family, understanding job… it all just feels so pointless and I am so empty, I exist just to stop other people feeling bad that they cannot help me and because my death would upset them.
I don’t know what I am trying to say or what I am trying to do. I keep self-sabotaging the good things I do have (like my job, my house, my health, people who care). It all feels so very extremely pointless without my husband. And I can’t seem to do anything to bring him back despite I think about it for hours and hours and hours for months and months.
I also can’t even remember the sound of his laugh. His memory is fading away and I feel like I am too.
I definitely won’t kill myself on purpose so mods don’t worry about the Samaritans message. It does help to just write it out sometimes and to read that others feel the same helps a lot too. I still feel alone though because I am. We all are.
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Dear FleurDeLis ,
Thank you for posting again. I have missed your posts as you really explain it as it is! I so wish you didn’t find yourself here but you do help me and I’m sure many others. Finding a survival strategy from the depths of despair is such hard going alone. Actually it’s impossible so any strength gleaned from others is literally a lifeline. Xx
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I understand every sentiment in your words FleurdeLis. I have felt / do feel the same way. I feel that my existence now is so that my children do not go through more pain. Everything I wanted wasn’t materialistic, it was just to do things with him, share experiences with him, see the world with him, even just sit in a Room together. have to believe that we will be together again at some point otherwise I really don’t think I could even plod through the days as I am now. I so want to have a discussion with him, ask his advice, have a hug. Life has now become torture because these things are never going to happen again.
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Dear FleurDeLis
Thank you for your post. You are so right we just sometimes have to get it out there and this is the only place that we can be honest and share our true thoughts without upsetting family/friends who we try to protect. I still have recordings of my husband and me or him and our grandson filled with his laughter and although painful I do try to revisit these so that it does not fade.
As the day for scattering his ashes approaches I have just sat. Today did not get dressed until 4.15 and that was only because I had to go round to our son’s to babysit for a short while otherwise would have stayed curled up on our settee. Spoke a few hours ago with my husband’s best friend (and our best man) - it was tearful but nice to talk. He reminded me as to why me and husband were so suited and why my husband picked me. He told me about how the football on TV had prompted him to look for the picture of him and my husband in their England tops in 1970. It is good for me to know that people still remember my husband.
You are so right I am only here for our kids. They certainly could not go through any more pain inflicted on them because of the actions of me as a parent. I already struggle with this one in that my husband chose to ride the motorbike despite the risks and now our kids suffer the consequences of that decision. But I cannot say I have a purpose anymore.
I constantly dream at present that my husband is alive only to wake and face the sad reality over and over. I do believe, I have to believe, that I will be reconciled with him one day. That is all that keeps me going.
Take care and please keep sharing.
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