I’m exactly the same, every day feels like another challenge. Sometimes I’m not to bad then in the next minute I’m heartbroken. Keep up with the fishing if it helps,
I have my husbands ashes at the side of my bed and I talk to him before i go to sleep.
love to everyone on the site
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Thank you for your kind comments l have an urn in the shape of a love bird there sandie sits pride of place with all the bling around her typical Essex bird bless her. Our daughter helps & my five year old grandson keeps me sane 
l am taking time out to gather my thoughts & get the house in order etc as l am fortunate that we have a big house no mortgage & no debts, we also spoke about what we wanted if one of us went first which was good so l gave sandie the best send off money could buy now l must be a man a father & support my daughter & her family best l can without interfering to much
I am fortunate that they only live 10 mins way so l pop over there every Sunday for dinner but never outstay my welcome l hope you also are coping as l know it’s an up hill struggle & sometimes you just burst into tears 
l call out just like you to thin air & wish with all my heart there was life after death but it’s a bitter pill to take when there are no answers no proof just emptiness 
Take care thinking of your loss
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Bless you nothing wrong in talking to your loved ones as it makes us all feel that they are in our hearts & will never be forgotten, Fishing is a big help l can sit on a lake or river & just listen to all the wildlife around me without the hustle & bustle of community life.
Gives me my time to smile to myself as memories come flooding back of all the good times we both shared together never a day goes by we’re l don’t say l am here babe anytime you want to talk !
Bless everyone who is grieving a loved one
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Hi Nenny. Thanks for asking. I have spoken to the girls and I am meeting up with them more often and we’re all trying to make sure we’re talking about what’s happened as much as possible. I’m still struggling on a daily basis and trying to keep busy to stop me thinking too much about what’s happened now and the future. The nights are worse, still crying and feel desperately unhappy.
I’ve got a second appointment with a grief counsellor tomorrow, I’m not confident it’s going to help me.
I hope your coping and moving forward as best you can.
Gary
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I am so glad you shared your grief, I have not been to a counsellor so dont know if it would help me. I talk to my family a lot though. We all have to believe it will get better, and I am certain it will. I know Tom would not want me to be sad and cry. But I think that the more we cry and let the sadness out, the easier we will find it when we think of our loved ones. I love talking about him to others that knew him also. Keep strong, and know we are all thinking of you. Xxx
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Just had another first. Met a close friend of mine at a pub for lunch. Thought it would be better if I didn’t talk about Dianne but as it happened I opened up and talked about her and went through the good and bad memories. He was good and just listened. Ok was ok until the end and started crying in the middle of the pub. My friend was good and wasn’t bothered he even brought tissues. I was aware people were looking at me. I was proud of myself, I didn’t leave and didn’t care what people thought, they have no idea what we’re going through.
Take care of yourself.
Gary x
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Good for you Gary. I found the first time of doing something was the hardest. And being seen crying is nothing to be ashamed of. Just shows you are a caring loving man. It’s all the little things that help so much. Take care and keep safe. Xxxx
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nenny has said good for you, and what a lovely friend you have. We could all do with a friend like that, haven’t been out for a meal with any friend yet. Well done Gary x
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Thanks for your message. I’ve decided friends on this site that understand and a couple of friends at home are much better for me than a grief counsellor.
Best wishes
Gary’ x
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I start my counselling in one week’s time. I think my family think it is a magic bullet, that my grief will vanish. I have lost the one person who knew me and loved me for who I am, who was there through thick and thin and got me through the worst times. Now he has gone my whole life and purpose have disappeared. I just need my husband, that’s all I want. Each day is just a battle without him and I don’t want to think of the x years ahead without him.
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One day at a time that’s what l am doing 7 months on l feel like shit l cry when alone and blame my wife for leaving me when we always talked about when l left this earth l wanted to make sure she had everything to enjoy the rest of her life.How things you plan don’t turn out the way you planned!
If another person tells me she has her wings and is looking down and smiling l will strangle them
Sod god sod asking for help & sod this COVID that’s fkd everything up in my life
Sorry guys bad day
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Dear Lotr
I am 10 months into this horrendous journey. I still cry every morning when I drag myself out of bed for another day without my husband. I can relate to how you feel and the plans that are no longer to be fulfilled. I get so angry at my husband for leaving me just four months before we were due to start retirement together. During first lockdown sat and planned how we would spend the next chapter of our life together. But he would not listen and continued in his pursuit of going out on his motorbike - ‘one last ride before I park up for the Winter’ he said and it was to be his final ride-out and he never came back. I prayed all the way to the hospital but he never made it and never got to say goodbye.
I had continued working a bit longer to save for a trip of a life-time. Now that is no longer an option I have being spending it on our kids and grandsons.
People try to help by saying what they think will bring us comfort but do not appreciate the reality of the physical and emotional pain. When people approach and give that smile and go to say something I just politely ask them to say nothing as there is nothing that will help. I react very badly - possibly rudely if I am being honest - if they tell me to continue being strong. I am nothing without my husband and I just sit in what was our home most nights in a crumpled heap crying for my husband to come back to me.
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I’m sorry for all of you for your loss. None of us wanted or expected to be in this situation. We need to just take one day at a time. I’m not sure if my counselling is helping but I’ve decided if out of the hour the counsellor says one thing that helps, then it’s worth it. I’m going to try and keep open minded.
Take care
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Sheila
Words cannot tell you how you must be feeling we were both 63 my wife sandie enjoyed early retirement & had ten good years of enjoying lunch with friends & looking after our grandson till Jack started school last year. I feel lost alone in a big house which l gave sandie the go ahead to make the house the way she wanted it, sandie always said it’s not a house it’s a home our home bless her it’s like she got the house just the way she wanted it before she passed.
When l decided that her breathing was so bad l needed to call an ambulance the look l got was total fright 
after which she never spoke & four days later she passed in hospital as l write this l am crying my eyes out l speak to thin air waiting for an answer that never comes l like you have spent a lot of money on our only daughter son in law and grandson it make me feel better for a few hrs then l am back to crawling under a stone and hiding.
I know in my heart the pain will never go but if only she had said a few word before she passed then l would feel better but l keep seeing her frightened face & feel as though l am somewhat to blame at everything that’s happened:( we’re do l go from here nearly 30 years together & would have been our silver wedding anniversary on may 31st god at this moment in time l hate life.
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Dear Lotr
We both lost our jobs in 2016 and had to sell the family home. Moved into a tiny bungalow which we were nearly finished completing just before my husband died. I am having to arrange the tradesmen to complete the small jobs that my husband had on his very long ‘to do’ list. He should be here enjoying the spoils of our hardwork and it is heartbreaking that he is not. I call it the waiting room now - just a place I stay until I can be with him again.
I am sorry that you had to make the decisions that you did . My dad died in 2010, my mam was not coping with his illness and I persuaded him to get in the ambulance and go to hospital. He died six weeks later and I felt considerable guilt after that having made the decision but we do what we must and always for the right reasons. You also did what was right for your wife at the time and I am sure that she would not want you to blame yourself for something that was outside of your control ultimately.
I wish I could answer your question but cannot. I was with my husband 42 years and married 38. I scream and shout some days, then feel guilt. I am sure that if he is looking down he will be heart broken at leaving our kids and our little grandsons. The eldest was only 9 months when my husband died, the other was born in April this year and never got to meet his granda. I cry for their loss - a man who always wanted to be a granda and was so proud and delighted when our ‘little man’ (this was our secret code for ‘love you’) was born. He would be so proud of the second grandson, destined never to meet his adoring granda. I can only say I go on for our kids and grandchildren - they could not suffer another loss - but I do not recognise the person who looks back at me from the mirror, the smiling person in the photos with the man that she loves and would do anything to have back by her side.
Take care.
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You 2 l feel for your loss & know just what your going through
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To all of you , I just wanted to say you will manage to live through it. My Malc died fifteen months ago ago and that terrible rawness has faded . Still bad days but somehow good days too, never would I have believed I’d ever smile or laugh again. The hardest thing has been coming to terms with the fact that I’d never see him again but have managed that and realise that there can still be some joy in life, just a different kind. Sending love to all. x
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Thank you. Reading your message has given me so much hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing that will push me to get through this terrible grief I am feeling now.
Take care
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Sorry guys got so depressed last night l could easily have taken all this pain away l lay on my bed with 60 pain killers & a large glass of water tears flowing like a river the only reason l did not go through with it was my daughter text to say she is expecting her 2nd child …… never been so low.
I have everything but it means nothing without my Sandie back 
Hope you get through this Gary life stinks m8
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Oh Lotr, I so feel for you. I went through many times like that, it’s just indescribable, everything so hopeless, meaningless and empty. Thinking of my family’s pain was all that kept me from ending it all, so I hope you can hang on to that, they need you and that’s what kept me going and waking up every morning. Also the fact that I was shouldering all the pain that he would have gone through if things had been the other way round. Just putting one foot in front of the other at this stage is a massive achievement and you’re managing that. Nobody could have been in more of a zombie like state than I was , couldn’t do anything but cry for weeks and weeks. And people say stupid things. it’s all a nightmare , please just try to keep going , there’s no magic answer but life will go on if you let it. Sending a big hug .
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