Hi. I’m not sure where to start or if I’ve even come to the right place.
My dad was never a permanent feature in my 38 years and when he was, it was because I had reached out. At 18 I found out he was remarried with 2 children. My mum he was having a baby with my stepdad and it stirred up feelings for me so mum helped me get contact details and I made contact. Every time I tried to pull away from him, I remembered I had a brother and sister there that I loved and wanted in my life.
There was a lot of mental and emotional abuse from him over the years before my siblings became adults. From him separating from his wife, moving back to where I was, then dating my friends mum and making up vile lies about me.
About 2 years ago my sister called me, completely broken, he had been diagnosed with cancer. I lost the man who played the father figure in my life from cancer when I was 17, I wanted to be there for my siblings so I reached out to him, visited him when he was in hospital, daily contact with his then partner. This upset my mum and my stepdad but they both supported my choice. Once he got the all clear, he went back to not being bothered but I kept trying even though my siblings and their partners could see what he was doing and how he was treating me. I did this up until his wedding 2 years ago and that was when I had nothing left to give.
I helped with wedding planning, went wedding dress shopping with his partner, everything. My sister was asked to be bridesmaid and my brother best man. The other bridesmaid? My brother’s girlfriend, even though they separated before the wedding and there had been zero contact, as far as they were concerned, she was still the other bridesmaid. I was still part of the bridal party, spending the night with the bride, in the 1st bride photos. I even took it upon myself to make sure I was in the same colour as the bridesmaids.
When it came to the speech’s, I realised my effort meant nothing to this man. He thanked his new wife, he thanked my brother and sister, stated he wouldn’t have made it if it wasn’t for them but me? Not even an acknowledgment, nothing.
Early this year, his cancer returned, this time terminal. He sat my siblings down, even drove past my house to see other family members and let them know, but never reached out to me. I was still in contact with his now wife, thanking for Christmas/birthday cards for my son.
My sons birthday is 6th July, that was the last time I reached out to his wife thanking them for his card and money. On the 10th July my dad died. He never felt to inform me he was going to die and his wife, my sister and other family members never even informed me if his death. My mum found out on Facebook and when I checked, I had had messages from distant family of condolences.
I don’t know how to grieve him dying. He was horrible to me, left me so damaged but I’m still hurting. I’ve struggled to have a relationship with my sister since because she had a different relationship with him to me. Everyone is claiming he was such an amazing man and the same as the last 38 years of my life, I’m not acknowledged.
I don’t know what to do and it’s ripping me apart