Ive just returned from a family wedding, it was a 3 day event & I was looking forward to it.
It was all family so i thought it would be ok and felt quite confident.
However even though I was surrounded by loved ones I really felt the absence of my husband, no one was looking out specifically for me, no one to go and get the drinks at the bar, left sitting alone while all the couples danced.
Then when we went back to our hotel rooms I was the only one walking alone up the corridor the same happened when we all left to go home to our houses, everyone left in there respective little families while I was in the car alone.
Even though I was with loved ones I’ve never felt so alone and now feel very tearful & dreading any other family occasions, has anyone else felt like this?
You’re very brave. You’re 7 years in and I’m coming up on 1 year. I hope I will have your acceptance of our new normal and just do what I want till my days here are done. The hardest challenge for me now is being alone. I too now notice how many couples there are . Something I never noticed before. I wish us both peace.
Barbara
Last week my car was in a garage & the guy couldn’t tell me if I would get it back that day so I just wandered about the town, aimlessly for 6 hours.
So I went for a coffee, armed with my newspaper & pen for the crossword, sitting alone in a crowd.
As I looked around the tables, I saw loads of women, same age & older, probably in this same old heartbreaking club. Some with friends but very few with their partners.
Seems women do live longer? Or it just feels longer. They had a sadness aura about them, they will all have their story to tell.
I remembered today something my husband said more than once. “It is what it is”
Yes I felt like that a few weeks ago ,at my Late husbands Niece …I seem to have found myself looking for him as Alan was always making sure I was ok …but even sitting to the meal on my own …but yet all the family were at the table also …strange …it made me remember my lovely late mum saying she felt like a spare part ,when my Dad passed over ,bless her
This is the nearest letter to how I feel. No matter how hard we try to join in family events our love is still not there and we are alone looking in at the couples and families, knowing we enjoyed it all once long ago but it still brings the sadness back. It is like a tube is over you. You cannot reach out. Just keep smiling so you don’t spoil good times for others. I know it comes to us all one way or another and that I was lucky to meet a good man and have him for 58 years. The years ahead alone seem worthless. I have done my job my children have their own families and lives now. Please let me join my husband and be at peace. As for the mutual friens we had when he was alive, as usually happens they drift away, disappear when you most need them for keeping in contact with the good times you both had with them . No demands at all. Just simple companionship to help you through this terribly lonely time. It will come.
I am two years down the line and I’m getting along better as time passes. I have joined in various clubs but am not good at keep going to them. My garden is a lifeline which I am now starting to enjoy. Neighbours and people I know have been widowed and we do talk about how we feel. It is easier than talking to family who get upset and then worry about you.
I hope this letter is of help to someone.
Hello Pamm, oh I do agree totally with everything you wrote. It’s exactly my own position and my garden is my lifeline just like yours. It seems silly but last weekend our eldest granddaughter was confirmed but due to them living abroad I couldn’t be there but to be honest I was not sad because I knew I would have spent the weekend in the kitchen. You may say I was being selfish but I would have felt very alone and the kitchen would have been a safe refuge. Pleased you found this site, as you can see we are all in the same boat and most of us have no paddle . Take care. S xxx
I know how you feel. My husband died nearly three years ago. The first party I attended after his death was my Grandsons 5th birthday party and honestly I have never felt so alone in a roomful of people. It was so emotional. I found it does get better you don’t feel so emotionally drained but I still miss his companionship and having him by by side. When you have known and loved someone for over 50 years it is difficult to adjust and everyone who hasn’t experienced grief think you should be over it in no time! Take care of yourself.
Gailybob, nice you have found this site. Life changes totally when your on your own and unless you have been there then people don’t understand. I always say I had 45 of love but it wasn’t long enough. Keep posting and reading others posts. We are always here for you. S xxx
Your story is the same as mine. After being with family on return home my loss and loneliness returns with a vengeance. After about a week of downtime and despair I manage to pick myself up and re-enter my life as it is now. Picking up the pieces until I am on an even keel again, until the next family time when it happens all over again. Take care.
I was widowed last November. I have found being with family quite sad and unsupportive. They have their own nuclear families and can exclude me not really knowingly. The problem is that the younger generation in the main have no experience of death and loss of their partner.
My best company now is with others who are
single or alone for some reason. In most cases I don’t get any pleasure mixing with couples, as I just feel like a spare bod , an unwanted extra. I’m
lucky to have interest that take me out of the home almost every day. I miss my husband more than I can say and cry every day but almost feel better on my own with the t.v. rather than hanging around with the family who have busy working lives. Good wishes and love to all.
Tricia
Yes being with couples makes me feel like a spare part, an onlooker. I remind myself I am old and that I had it all once. It doesn’t make me feel any better. Best not to think at all.
It’s crazy, I am so lonely but not for anyone other than my husband. I have a few good friends and some family who are trying hard to look after me but I spend my time trying to get out of things they organise- it’s like grief is making me sabotage all my relationships , it wasn’t happy with me just losing my husband it keeps wanting more
I know. Nothing has pleasure in it anymore. I strive to fill my days and am genuinely pleased to be with others but, a big but, true happiness has gone forever because my husband is no longer with me.
At least you have kids and grandkids. There are those among us who only had their spouse. I wish them peace and healing. I too am glad I don’t have much time left to be alone without him.
So sorry for my poor choice of words. I too have children and grandchildren, and like you they are a comfort. I too cry every day for a loss only we can understand.
Hi Flower-Garden,
I understand totally where you are coming from. The first year that I lost Steve I went to a wedding.we had both chosen our food, booked our hotel and then he died four months before the wedding. I had to drive up the M4- no mean feat. I took a book into breakfast before the afternoon wedding. I was doing ok. Church, speeches etc. Then it was the first dance and I ran back to my room and sobbed like I had never sobbed before. The realisation that I would never have anyone to dance with again just hit me… it was as dreadful.
I go out with a group of 12 friends, acutely aware that I am a single person and I’ll be walking into my house alone with no one to talk about the evening with. It’s awful. I’m feel like half a person and it doesn’t get better.
. Take care. S xxx