…I totally agree with all you say…I had a conversation with a friend of mine last week who also lost his wife 4 years ago. I am not suicidal, but if I even mention to a ‘professional’ I don’t want to be here anymore alarm bells start and rabbits are set off. My view…and I’m not alone…is that it is nobodies business what I do with my life…or it shouldn’t be…but these days we are not allowed such freedom. Instead of keeping suffering people alive maybe they should help end the suffering if that is the persons wish…other countries do now…and I include everybody in this, ill or not…but if you can’t openly talk about your true feelings to the ‘helpers’ without getting reported then what is the point…it’s just everyone covering their own back in case someone does something , ‘wrong’…sorry for the rant…but I’m fed up…
No need to say sorry, a rant can do us good & i do empathise with you & agree. It’s meant to be a safe place where you can express how you feel but as you say, before you know it you’re getting calls from the crisis people🙄.
I had the same yesterday when talking to my gp and pleaded with her to give me something to help me get through next week - it’s my birthday on Tuesday for which we’d got plans I’ve obviously had to cancel, then On Wednesday I’ll go to see Paul at the funeral directors chapel and then Thursday is his funeral and burial - she asked me have I had dark thoughts, well that’s obviosly I have I’m a human being whose lost my purpose to live, but I told her I wouldn’t do that to. My family and friends who are all supporting me immensely but at the end of the day it’s me coming back to an empty house and going to bed and waking up alone . Anyway, the gp has given me stuff to help me with anxiety and hopefully I’ll get through the next week without wrecking it for the rest of the family- I understand they’re grieving too it’s not all about me, but I’ve lost my soulmate and all our future we were looking forward to.
Hi, to be honest I didn’t want any more so called help from a counsellor . I found it more stressful and traumatic than not going in the first place. I will never trust these so called professionals again. Just because a lot of people on this forum don’t particularly want to be alive doesn’t make them have mental problems. Some of us just don’t like, enjoy, or want a life without our partner’s in it. As you say it is nobody’s business what, when, and how you chose to live, or not, control your own life. What the counsellor did was totally out of order. She should be held to account for breaching my confidentiality.
It will never happen again. The icing on this cake is that we collected for this department at Mandy’s service, all donations were for this place. I also had sold some of Mandy’s items for them too. In Mandy’s name I have donated more than £300 for them. Most of Mandy’s items were going to be sold and donated, but that is no longer an option. We are now going to get something to remember Mandy herself. We were thinking of a bench, but if that was vandalised it would be heartbreaking , so need to think of something different.
Morning to all,the sad thing is we are all delicate and vulnerable at the start of this journey of loss the things we must deal with personal and pratical are thrown at you when all you want is your loved one and the life we once had i don’t think anyone qualified or not can completely comprehend the depth of feelings thoughts dark or otherwise that we are all going through everybody grieves differently some need medication some benefit from therapy either way we are all trying to find a means to an end of how we can cope with the awful reality that the person we loved with all are heart and souls is no longer there and so what if we feel like we don’t want to carry on without them thats how you feel at this time right now maybe it makes you feel better knowing that you have the choice to say that you want to be with them rather than face the way we feel right at this precise moment either way i am grateful to you all for helping me get get through this sad time in my life with all your support and advice i would trust all you that have gone through,and are still going through this more than a so called professional that thinks they no best i hope this does not offend anyone but i feel for us all at this time with what we are dealing with may we all find are way back somehow sending love and hugs to all xx
Hi, just sitting thinking thoughts. Getting tearful. Realising I really hate this life I’ve been left with. Thought how I hate weekends, then again realised I hate week days too. It’s so hard to keep going. It will be 10 weeks this Tuesday my sweetheart died. Instead of time healing it’s getting worse. There is absolutely nothing I want in this life. Why feel sad all the time. Why try to find distractions all day ,every day. What purpose does it serve. The longing for peace from this pain is overwhelming. I get no joy anymore. Even sunny days fill me with dread as I haven’t my love to share them with. When will it end?
I feel your pain i know it is hard when as I’ve said you have loved so deeply and been loved in return when you’ve invested all your life to that one special person the only one you could truly trust and tell anything too the things you’ve shared and did together no wonder there his an overwhelming for all of us to not want to carry on in a world that holds no joy in anything you do, i get it completely. I myself have my faith so i cling on to that and i know i will get through not anytime soon but oneday,i know its not for everyone so the only hope for the constant suffering is keep talking here and express all your feelings we know how bad it can be i will never in this lifetime stop wanting to be with my wonderful hubby and neither will you that is what true love is it hurts to the core of your being hope this helps someone somewhere xx
It’s just so so sad why life has dealt us all these dreadful hand of cards - what have we done to deserve all this pain and sadness and heartache- I too feel like I’m filling days doing random things that’s really of no interest and pretend it’s fun to friends who are trying to help but in reality all you want more than anything is to see that face you love so deeply and have their arms hold you- I keep thinking this is some sick joke someone is playing on me to test my resilience and Paul will turn up smiling saying how much he loves me. I would do anything if that could happen.
If I had faith I would have comfort beyond belief. I would miss my Mandy but would have hope of being reunited. The only trouble is I don’t believe in any of it. I would never knock anybody for their beliefs but I just don’t believe. Therefore I have no comfort at all.
Hi swojto, i can empathise with the having no purpose & how weekends are horrible but then so are the week days. My saving grace is having 2 dogs. I know if i didn’t have them, things would be very different for sure. That said, it’s still tough, my pain is still vast & i hate going places alone. Today i sat in the garden & knew i’d be somewhere else i she was still here. We’d be out somewhere or other, having a cuppa, having a laugh & probably talking to other people wherever we were. I’ll never have that again, our unique banter, gone, forever! Yes, life goes on, doesn’t mean i have to like it though.
I get you . I go through the motions . My friend is great and gets me out most days but the whole time I constantly think of Bry ? How I miss him , how I just want to go with him . Don’t want memories, don’t want to go through t the motions day in , day out , it’s just a horrid painful existence 
Me too and his name Paul also. He worked away from home a lot over our 32 years, so I had bouts of being ‘alone’ with 3 kids. Now I’m really alone and it’s the worst pain I’ve ever been in x
It’s totally different isn’t it . I didn’t mind my own company of Bry had to be away, he hated it if I was but this is on another level big hugs xx
Hi PollyjaneW, when our loves we’re alive our own company was easy, but they were always there. Now they’re not, our own company is a big problem. Our partner’s not being here is a problem. The incredibly slow time is a problem. Finding any distraction to stop you thinking and crying is a problem. To be honest this life we didn’t expect or want is a problem. Telling anybody how you really feel is a problem. I’m fed up with problems, I need a solution and it’s not what most people outside this forum want to hear or understand.
We all want to hear about everyone’s difficulties emotions heartache depression- we’re all going through this dreadful experience we never thought would happen and feeling sad and bitter about what’s happening to us - unless you’re in the situation we’re all in no one truly understands what it’s like and how every day is a struggle just to survive let alone have any happiness ever again- these stupid doctors who say support is out there have not idea - FFS why would we call 111 or go to A&E ??? At least we’ve got each other to rant to as we all know and understand the grief and sadness we have and don’t have to pretty we’re ok when we really aren’t
Absolutely!!! No one can understand all this until they have been Through it !
Sat here again tonight thinking how has this happened, still don’t get it xx
I can understand that, spent many a night & morning thinking the same.
It’s the worst late at night and early morning- I wake up and for a milli second feel ok and then reality kicks in and I look at the emptiness of the the pillow next to me and realise I’m here again alone and that’s how the rest of my life is going to be now- no one understands that awful feeling of loneliness and anxiety and sadness- it takes your breath away and panic takes over -my gorgeous Paul would be so sad to see me suffering so I try put a brave face on and hope I’m making him proud of how I’m trying to carry on but in reality all I’d want is to have him back . X
That morning feeling is exactly what i experience, almost like i’ve forgotten what has happened in that split second but then as you say, reality hits & the emotions take over. So many times i get, oh they wouldn’t want to see you like this, they’d want you to carry on. Well i know that & if it was the other way round i’d want them to be ok & carry on but i’d get why they are the way they are also. I too hope i’m making them proud by doing what i’m doing but at times, really not easy.
Hi, I know Mandy wouldn’t want me to be sad and hating life, but the truth is our partner’s would not have known the extent of damage their passing would have on us. I’m not too sure what they would say if they did know how we have been left feeling. I know Mandy would hate me feeling like this ,but her love for me would understand their is no solution living without her with any happiness. I don’t consider any part of what I am feeling as depression, I just don’t like living like this. I’m not bitter, I have concerns some treatments could perhaps have been done differently, but that isn’t going to change anything now. I’m not interested in making anybody, least of all Mandy, proud of me in this situation. Mandy knew I did and would continue to do everything I could for her. I loved her above all else and this love was reciprocated . Mandy would want me to find any solution that would stop my pain. I always told her I swap in a heartbeat her condition. I now know that might be different, as to leave Mandy with this pain after I had gone would have been awful and heartbreaking I lot of people including myself say “ life’s too short “, for Mandy it was, for me it certainly isn’t. I’ve got a few fights for Mandy , then my work will be done.