Hi Joseph24, sorry to hear your day has been so bad. I really hope tomorrow is a better one for you. It’s tough for sure, some things trigger your emotions & sometimes it hits you & you have no reason as to why. I just try & go with the flow & tell myself this feeling will pass. Ok, not as quick as i’d like sometimes but it does pass, until the next time. Take care.
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I have just had the biggest meltdown tonight . The pain is unbearable and my 23 year old son who has tried to be the man of the house has also cried in front of me for the first time saying he can’t bare all the years he has without his dad & that if he has children in the future his dad will never see them . It’s broke me that and it’s their first Father’s Day on Sunday and my adult kids are still not speaking . I’m sure it all boils fine to their grief as I can get angry but it’s killing me even more . It should be a day they come together and support each other .
I just feel I can’t be the mum they need right now , they have always come first but my grief is consuming me and the one person I want to turn to isn’t here 
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Thank you everyone for understanding its so hard and the pain you feel is terrible my heart is just broke its nice to speak to people who understand thank so much .tracey x
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I so feel for you…this reality is kicking in with me as time goes on. The finality is real. My head still won’t accept it but every new day tells me a different story. I really don’t know what to do next…but I know I can’t carry on like this. Love to you and your family 
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Hi @PollyjaneW I know how you feel as my son is 23 and he also said that dad will never be proud of him or see his milestones in life. He went to Ibiza today with a friend and it is so lonely without my husband as we would of had the house to ourselves. Sometime ago my son said that he felt like he lost me as well as his dad. I guess I am not the happy carefree person I was as deeply sad most of the time. Life is so shit now and I miss my husband terribly. I been told that you will grow around the grief but you will still have waves of grief. God I wish I notice how poorly my husband was. 
Xx
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So so sorry to hear about your husband, so young too 
it’s a very tough & heartbreaking journey we are on . It’s 12 weeks for me on Wednesday when my lovely hubby passed suddenly, no illness , no warning . I just found him in the bathroom in the morning
Sadly , it’s not gotten any easier for me , but everyone’s journey is different 
Sending you hugs
Paula xx
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Thank you all .tracey xx
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Hi PJW, I’m afraid you can’t be the person or mother you want to be. It’s time to be a bit selfish and look after yourself. To be honest you won’t be able to anyway. Spouse relationship is very different to parent relationships. Your world has collapsed and it takes great effort to get through those long day, and nights, and tomorrow, and the next day. You think if there was a simple pill to pop and this unrelenting pain would end, how many on this forum would take it. Most? Some? or none? I think most of us know the answer. As I always say, I hope tomorrow will be better, but I doubt it.
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How do we carry on knowing how horrendous this journey is going to be? 
Hi, that is the question. Do we have to, do we want to. It’s 10 weeks tomorrow (Tuesday). Nothing has changed, nothing will change. I wish I could share some optimism, but I can’t. I would love to be able to support all the grieving people on this forum and tell you ,you’ll be fine, it’s only a matter of time. But chances are it won’t be okay, the pain will be relentless, no joy, no happiness. I would rather be honest than pretend I have rose tinted glasses. Perhaps I’m too honest for most people, but I hope not.
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Hi @swojto
I certainly don’t want to but what choice do I have?
I’d say goodbye to this world in a heartbeat if I wasn’t so scared xxx
Hi AlysonandSteve, there isn’t an answer to that really. We are all different & we carry on in own ways with whatever the day may bring. It is horrendous but for most of us, as we’ve shown, we are doing it.
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Hi Swojto, i hear what you’re saying & do respect it but none of us know 100% how things will be in the near or far future. Some eventually may be fine, albeit different. Will the pain be relentless? We really don’t know, we can assume it will be but we don’t know, we can’t do, there are no crystals balls. We can hope & thats a choice & i understand some may not have hope or even want it.
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I have a little optimism, my children need me, as I need them. My sisters, families and friends are grieving too and we all support each other as much as possible.
I agree the pain is indescribable and hits when you least expect it, but you’re stronger than you think and are worth it.
As I’ve said before, my husband had no illnesses, 18 weeks ago he drove one evening to his job away from home, we said goodnight and not good morning. I had to ring police who found him - passed away in bed and came to tell me later that day. I couldn’t see his body for 2 weeks and the trauma of all of this happening is still devastating.
But, I do believe my husband would want me to find the strength to carry on - as I would him, so that’s what I’m attempting to do - small steps 
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I too am having a bad day although it is 16 molnths now cannot stop crying
miss him so much
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Going to pick up my husband Paul from the undertaker soon and im absolutely dreading it,it feels so unreal,i just cant believe i wont hold him and laugh with him again, i feel so lost without him, he has been gone four weeks and yet it feels like yesterday i cant stop crying i know he is coming home and he will be near me but still makes me no better
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Hi Dyane, i really hope you manage ok today. I had the ashes brought to my hoise & boy was i in for shock. I wanted her home, i was pleased she was home but it hit me like i could never have imagined. I cried all day pretty much & the pain in my heart & chest was so intense i thought i was going to burst open. For me it was worse than the funeral. I was alone & heartbroken. I just kept hugging my dogs over & over but honestly felt at that moment, if this is how it’s going to be every day, i’ll never survive, this is going to kill me! It didn’t & the next day was better but nothing could’ve prepared me for that.
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Hi Diane,
When I picked up Mandy’s ashes I couldn’t wait. I wanted her home. I know it isn’t in the form we all would like. I purchased a personalised casket, and it has a place on my mantelpiece. It has an everlasting Rose which I got for her birthday which was 6 days after Mandy’s service. On top of that is her commitment ring which I gave Mandy 14 or 15 years ago, which then became her engagement ring. I have a big photo of Mandy on the mantelpiece as well. Every morning I kiss the casket and say good morning, kiss it last thing at night, and say good night. I kiss it every time I go out and when I come home. I stroke her face on the photo and tell her I love her. Quite often I tell Mandy how much I miss her. I think it helps. Hope it might help you too. Take care Stefan
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I had my wife’s ashes brought to me at home after the funeral. The undertaker had said they would keep hold of them until i was ready, but i wanted her back with me ASAP. She’d died just before Easter which meant i had to wait 3 weeks to have a funeral. In the 24 years we’ve been together the most we’d been apart was for 4 days occasionally with work, so almost 4 weeks was pushing it. I’d cleaned the house and got her place ready to put her urn. When she finally arrived i was shocked by my reaction. I was relieved that she was home, but absolutely devastated to be holding what was left of her in an urn. It didn’t feel real. The guy who returned her was really nice and supportive but i couldn’t speak. I took her in, shut the front door remembering that the last time i went through that door with her was to take her to the hospital for the last time. I have never experienced a silent scream before, but i did that day. I was totally overcome with emotion and cried for what felt like ages. When i eventually pulled it together and placed her on the mantlepiece i sat talking to her as if we were catching up for the first time in ages ( I’d only seen her twice since she’d died) as i was doing this i felt a really calming wave wash over me like a breeze (not literally). I was scared of having to go out later that day and leaving her in the house, stupid i know but… then that evening i took her upstairs with me to bed and placed her on her night stand on her side of the bed. Again, it was what made me feel better. I say good morning and goodnight to her but leave her urn downstairs now. I chat to her during the day as if she was still here. Commenting on things like we would always have. I find that her being there helps in some ways, but can also be a very bitter sweet reminder of my loss. I don’t pretend that my way of dealing with this is the right way, just that it works for me and that’s what’s important for us all to bear in mind. I intend to keep her ashes and have mine put with them before we are scattered somewhere together. That might be a while yet as I’m 56, but as I’ve already learnt, that can change in the blink of an eye. One thing i did find upsetting was that my wife had previously said to me a few months ago that when something happened to her, she wanted me to go on and be happy again with somebody else. This totally broke me, she is my life, my soulmate, i could never love anyone again like i did her and i really hated this suggestion. I since found out from her sister that she’d had this conversation about me with her as well saying i was still young and that she was scared of leaving me alone, and that i was still young and could have another 20 plus years of being lonely and sad which she didn’t want. That then caused her another worry as if i did start another relationship she was concerned that the new partner wouldn’t want her ashes and memories in the house. She told her sister that she probably want her ashes putting with our dog as she thought that it wouldn’t be fair or feasible to go with me. This again broke my heart. She was always so kind and considerate of everyone’s feelings and that she didn’t want to worry me with these issues and spoke to her sister instead of me is typical, but again, broke my heart that she couldn’t tell them to me, especial as we’d always shared everything else before. There’s a lot of emotions and considerations involved in a loved ones ashes, more than we probably realise. As always these are individual decisions and nobody should be making them for you or trying to influence you into one which doesnt suit your needs and wants. I know that no matter what, my wife is the last love of my life. Anyone else could never come close. I made my lifetime commitment to her and as far as I’m concerned that includes both our lives, not just to the point she lost hers. I have no love left for anything any more which saddens me to think that i will feel like this forever. The only time i feel love is when i remember her.
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I’ve noticed that quite a few on here ‘‘died suddenly’’
Can I aks if they had been vaccinated??
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