I think it would help all of us if anxiety was recognised as part or stage of the grieving process that way we could be more open and honest about it and be more open with others about how we are feeling instead of putting an I’m alright face on . I hate morning my stomarch churns i can’t settle to anything and the thoughtb of another long day before me fills me with dread but by mid afternoon I’m ok will go for a walk go to bed ok but then I dread that wake up call from anxiety at 5.45am
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@DennisS, I see what you mean. You’re sill in that ‘blocking reality’ phase just like me. The other day I went on my first day out with my daughter, ever since I lost my husband. We went to an art gallery in nearby beautiful Naples. I noticed many British and American tourists,its so touching to watch them admiring this fantastic city. I actually managed to distract myself a little, first time eating out, a pizza of course! Although it felt so so so strange traveling by coach, hadn’t been on one for almost thirty years! I did have a little cry to myself at first, luckily face masks are still compulsory on public transport, and I had my sunglasses on, so it didn’t show! . We used to travel all over the country by car, my husband took the whole family often for holidays and day trips.
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@Pushkin28 If its OK with you, could you let me know how long you were in shock? It’s exactly where I am, and my darling Sharon passed in May, but I can’t cry - if I do start to understand this is real, my stomach turns over, I feel sick, skin tingles all over, panic rushes in; then my brain automatically drops barriers and suddenly Sharon just becomes like a film I once saw, nothing is real, but the physical symptoms persist. Everyone says “give it time” but is there a way to start moving out of shock?
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@Solost I totally understand. But I still can’t cry, instead get massive panics, and I want to be able to cry… to let some of this out… to start to make even one tiny step… but can’t…
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Do you feel that you are actually afraid of crying, as if your mind refuses to ‘feel’ that pain, as if you want to ignore it and pretend nothing’s happened? Sorry, I dont want to confuse you, but it’s what I still feel.
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Totally… I started on anti-depressants yesterday, no change yet but I’ll see if it helps. GP has been good, I suspect as my NHS record was marked as at risk because everyone knew I wasn’t going to continue after Sharon went, so he’s keeping an eye and I’m getting counselling, but none of them understand and haven’t lived in my shoes.
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@Solost I think so. My conscious brain want to let reality in to be able to cry… but my subconscious simply won’t accept that Sharon is gone and my life is over. I did try scheduling a limited time to let it in, but went into huge panic and brain freeze - and I tried a week later but nothing was real and Sharon’s videos even talking to me and blowing kisses had no effect, nothing.
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@DennisS, your description is perfect, that’s exactly how it is, a battle between conscious and subconscious. One thing I can suggest with my experience is to never talk about ‘time’ in grief. There is no specific time for us, for me time still doesn’t exist. We mustn’t listen to our family and friends saying it takes time, they do mean well, but can’t possibly understand. We have to think of each moment now, one at a time, slowly, without rushing, I always read that in order to accept our loss we have to firstly admit that it’s happened. Easier said than done, though, isn’t it? Let’s all together here try doing that, helping each other along,sharing our experiences. This site helps keep my sanity stable, it really does.
Antidepressants take a while to start seeing the effects, be patient with yourself. Hope all goes well for you.
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Hi Shirley - I read somewhere that cortisol which exacerbates anxiety kicks in when you wake up after going to sleep with anxiety, and it’s worse again if you are suffering trauma. I agree it’s no help having to pretend that we are ok when we aren’t. Having to pretend doesn’t help us, it’s for everyone else to feel more comfortable around us. I sometimes feel that people are worried that our misery might rub off on them. Six months since my daughter died and I know who my real friends are and which ones were fairweather friends. The fairweather friends have disappeared. One even said “get in touch when you feel better’. There are some people who refuse to acknowledge death and turn away when they see grief in front of them. Yet, like it or not, we will all die sooner or later. Losing those we love the most shouldn’t be a journey where we lose friends because they can’t cope. How do they think we feel when they turn away? The ‘pull yourself together’ attitude is often for their benefit and not ours. Sadly loss is a part of our lives and it doesn’t help us when we are putting on a brave face for ‘ friends’. I feel forced to tell some people that I’m fine, when I’m not. I’m doing it for them. On top of the grief is the isolation, often caused because ‘friends’ decide to give us space. They usually don’t think to tell us they are doing it from kindness, in fact they usually just disappear. I’ve got a few real friends and they have literally propped me up in my darkest time. Those are true friends. It’s sad that so many people even fail to say ‘sorry for your loss’ because it is more effort than simply crossing the road and pretending they didn’t see you. Many people have been kind and considerate but many others don’t even want to acknowledge my loss and they certainly don’t want me to say anything about my feelings so they say nothing. Shame on them. Meanwhile I and all of us in here, have to find some way to keep on living. I haven’t got the energy to go chasing ‘friends’ who can’t cope with my grief. Im trying to find the strength to cope myself and I don’t want support in a years time, on their terms. It’s not been there for 6 months when I would have appreciated it. It’s too late now. I do cherish those real friends tho and without them I don’t think I would have survived. It’s sad some people can’t summon up a kind word. Its their problem tho and I’ve got enough to try and cope with losing my daughter. Sending hugs and love xxxx
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@Dennis antidepressants take 3 weeks to start working so give them time. Everyone else Distraction is very good for warding off the anxiety, but when you wake up with it it’s hard work I do wordle, candy crush and visit this site. My husband had a breakdown 10yrs ago and was so poorly he was sectioned he never fully recovered and was diagnosed with clinical depression and GAD, so debilitating as we all feel now.
I was in shock when my husband died suddenly on an aeroplane before it took off from Barbados in Feb this year. I didnt cry for sometime, then I became angry at the whole world and everyone in it, then the anxiety and the grief. My grief has worsened since Graham’s headstone was put in place.
To build my confidence I’ve walked up snowdon and Ben nevis, travelled in my car on new routes, completed a solo holiday on a cruise and scattered some of Graham’s ashes in the sea the ship was the ship he spent the last night of his life on with me, the holiday the week of what would have been our 41st wedding anniversary.
My confidence is growing and I’m getting control of my anxiety but the grief I’m waiting for 1 to 1 counselling for as I’m feeling so out of control with it.
My saving grace is this site and all the people who post on it. So thank you everyone take care x
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Hi Barbara, I had a power cut yesterday too at teatime, immediately went into panic mode as last time it happened it was the cooker that caused it. I kept checking the fuse box but could understand why it looked okay, so in panic I switched the mains switch off and on again and it came back on. Then kept worrying about what caused it, thinking what if I need a new cooker, how am I going to pay for it, feeling very sick with worry.
It was only an hour later when I went on Facebook, I saw posted there had been a power cut at our local substation, so it was just coincidence I switched it back on at that moment.
I would never have worried about this when hubby was here.
I hate that I’m now responsible for the house on my own.
Debbie X
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I know exactly how you feel, we live in a big house in the country with a few acre of private land. I can’t tell you how many things just start breaking all of a sudden, and sadly some just need to be left unfixed. I can’t burden my two grown up kids who live with me, they have their own lives to think about. The one person who would have helped me is no longer here. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still managing to run this house, I’m sure it’s my husband helping me in some way,giving me strength. I’m always asking him for advice, it just comes natural to me. I’ve now come to terms that I’ll have to sell his car, it’s so sad leaving it to rot out there
in our back yard. Even that is such a big job to handle alone, though!
Take care.
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I think it would help all of us if anxiety was recognised as part or stage of the grieving process that way we could be more open and honest about it and be more open with others about how we are feeling instead of putting an I’m alright face on . I hate morning my stomarch churns i can’t settle to anything and the thoughtb of another long day before me fills me with dread but by mid afternoon I’m ok will go for a walk go to bed ok but then I dread that wake up call from anxiety atb
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Bless you Griff with you every step of the way xxx
It’s overwhelming isn’t it especially when things go wrong. I just went to bed last night and the power came back on after an hour or so. Surprisingly I had the best nights sleep I’ve had since mark died.
Today hasn’t started too well can’t get a dentist appointment have to ring at 8 o clock in the morning but don’t hold out much hope as they are short staffed.
Hope your day is ok xx
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Hi @DennisS
I do agree distraction does help. Like you I try and go out every day even it’s if just for a walk. I started on anti depressants in March and they have helped my anxiety and definitely lifted my mood but they do take a few weeks to work.
I agree with @Shirleymc anxiety should be recognised as part of grief more. I didn’t know what was happening to me until I joined this site and read about it. It seems to affect a lot of people in our situation.
Take care everyone x
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I hope it goes okay, I don’t like the dentist either, so I make sure I go for check ups every year, so it keeps on top of any issues, plus it keeps on the NHS list.
Hope you get an appointment X X
I think that’s exactly what we try to do,block reality,because the truth of the situation is too hard to handle.x
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I go regularly too even though I hate it. Still can’t get appointment. My dentist who I have had for years only works one day a week now at the practice I go to and they say they are now losing their full time dentist. Until they get another one I just have to keep ringing but I don’t hold out much hope. The way things are these days xx
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It’s all too much for us. I came home after a couple of days away to find I had no power. Luckily my daughter was with me, and between us, we got the electric back on. Still don’t know why it happened, none of my neighbours had any power cuts.
I feel I am losing confidence rapidly. I had to take a parcel to the post office today and there wasn’t anywhere to park. My anxiety levels went right up. I couldn’t wait to get home. Feel so silly now, used to be a confident person.
I have changed so much. Spend a lot of time crying and going over the last few traumatic days before my husband died, He suffered so much.
It is 8 months now, and I feel worse than ever., and so exhausted. Still waiting for counselling. If only I knew someone who would understand.
This site has been so helpful, knowing that you all understand even if I don’t know any of you.
Love and hugs to you all.
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