Oscar, don’t be embarrassed, we always had to plan any journey, even visits to the local shops around toilet stops for Doug. Once he needed to go that was it he had to go then, no waiting. There were lots of accidents but just got on with it
Even visits to our children they all knew if dad needed the loo it was now and out the way . Please don’t let that stop you visiting your son he will understand.
Love Debbie X
Another thing stopping me is covid they are out working Etc and have both had covid I don’t want to take the chance on getting it I’m going to my granddaughter’s wedding next week and I’m really concerned about meeting a load of people. I’m not ready to die yet when my 2 dogs have gone that will make me not care if I catch covid and die.
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That is sensible avoiding covid. Hope you have a lovely time at the wedding.
Love Debbie X
Thank you for saying that but I can’t get used to the awful anxiety.I just want an excuse not to go out,not to see anyone or speak to anyone.
It’s been just over three months since I lost Malcolm and I didn’t have a problem with anxiety until he died.My doctor says it’s shock and said it will gradually go but I can’t believe that.I’m not the same person I was and I can’t believe I will ever get my confidence back.x
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Please try not to worry too much about your feelings. It’s only been 3 months for you and I’m sure it’s perfectly normal to feel that way. All I wanted to do was stay in and watch TV but of course had to go out to walk my dogs. I found that after my hubby died I got into a little routine during the week which helped, but I found and still find that weekends are worse for me, especially Sundays. Yes, you could well be still in shock and it effects you physically. I can remember how I felt about 2 to 3 months after and I would get up every morning and I was so shaky. It’s been nearly 2 years now (still feels like yesterday) and I still get good and bad days. Just try to take one day at a time and get into a routine if you can. Take care x
You are very wise Country Girl,
I hope you will be pleased to know that I took"a leaf out of your book " today.
My neighbour who I know well is looking after her Mum’s dog for a few days.She asked if I would like to go for a walk around the local park,I was thinking about you at the time and immediately got my coat on and went.We walked and talked for over an hour the Spring blossom was out and I really enjoyed myself…that is down to you for giving me the courage to be spontaneous.
I do agree with the routine and I am pretty good at getting up,washed dressed quite early.Have breakfast and feed the cat,do some housework etc.but I have felt imprisoned in my home and knowing how I feel now I will do it again tomorrow.
The anxiety is my biggest barrier,so the only way to tackle that is to face up to it,I’ve started today and I’ve found a very good friend with this neighbour she lets me cry and I don’t feel embarrassed.
I’m so glad to have “talked” to you on this forum and I can say hand in heart thank you for the support today .xx
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@Pushkin28 - you’ve made a big step forward today. I’m proud of you for taking the chance and making yourself walk with your neighbour. I hope this is the start of a less anxious time for you.
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Thank you Flossy,I’m still feeling better than I have for a very long time.x
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It’s 6am and my friend anxiety is back just wish I could get past these feelings each morning when I wake up in an empty bed. I can work through it during the day when it builds up I go out for a walk or chat to a friend or neighbour but if I did that in the early hours it would be more difficult. I miss Chris every day bringing his ashes home hit me hard it was like going through those early days all over again
We plan to scatter them in late May. His daughter will be there but his son is as usual being difficult and uncommunicative so his children will miss out on saying their last goodbye to their granddad . Take care all of you so glad I found this forum
I still find after a year that I awake every day and the anxiety is there waiting for me. It’s a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel if I could get a handle on it I would do better but it seems to take my confidence which is not good at the start of the day. I feel lost without my H and feel I have no purpose. I don’t feel I want to go out and feel scared. I walk my dog in the morning and if I want or need to go out I wait for my sister to arrive in the afternoon. I have this underlying sadness all of the time and as others say guilt when I laugh. It’s so hard x
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So sorry Neil It’s tough and I don’t have an answer for you. Mornings are hard but hopefully it eases through the day and.you manage to get some respite and company. Take care and be kind to yourself
What I have noticed from the chats is that with grief we have to go through every stage. We can’t ignore one step. When I came onto forum I was so comforted by the fact that others were feeling the same way. I would come on the forum and that day people would be talking about an emotion or event I had gone through that day. I felt hope. I’m not going crazy this is grief. I paid through every day and go a day at a time. If it’s a really bad day I go an hour at a time. My mind wanders back to my H and I feel sad. It’s my heart remembering the love x
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Yes I have learnt that too I bottled things up thought if ignored it it would all go away but it comes back and bites you and you have to face it hard as it might be so that you can reach some peace with yourself. Memories and being loved and loving in return is what will sustain us as the months and years go by but when it’s tough going it’s hard to hold on to that but holding on is just what we need to do for their sake as well as are own Take care
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Oh I am so pleased you took that step forward and had a lovely walk. It definitely helps when we have the sunshine too. Walking and getting the fresh air will do you the power of good I’m sure, even at times when you just don’t feel up to it. Some days I feel so tired but push myself out for a walk with the dogs and always feel better when I get home. Please try to carry on with the walks. I really do sympathise about the anxiety I know how debilitating it can be, but hopefully in time these feelings will subside. Just don’t hurry things, one day at a time and well done! Take care of yourself xx
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Hi Nel
My anxiety is exactly like you describe it in the pit of my stomach and it takes my confidence. It has improved with my medication so it’s not there so much. It’s there this morning because I’m going swimming for the first time since my fall a few weeks ago in the changing rooms. I’m going to make myself go sick of it ruling my life.
Xx
Hello all, people underestimate anxiety it is a crippling illness . Graham who I cared for over the past 10yrs had an acute psychotic episode and was sectioned. He got ill health retirement and battled with mental health problems for the rest of his life. The worst was the anxiety, I retired 18months ago to help him achieve his goals, one was to go in a pub! Whatever we did and where ever we went had to be planned, he wouldn’t go upstairs or downstairs, escalators, bridges and slopes he couldn’t even walk near a curb. Last year he went through CBT and I went on the journey with him, everyday was a battle but he faced it with support. Since his death 12 weeks ago I have been waking up anxious that awful pain in your chest and stomach and not truly knowing why.
CBT taught us to question his anxiety of stairs, bridges even the wind or bright sunlight and rationalise the thoughts setting small goals. We started by walking past a pub standing to oneside of the door. Standing at the foot of stairs . Gradually Graham improved I got a hidden disability card for him and assisted travel for our holiday but daily life was still exhausting for him. I know how he feels now he was so brave. So I can face the next day I write down what I’ve managed to do today and what I’m going to do the next day, even if its just standing outside the front door for 2mins and Gradually increase, then a walk round the garden. Some of you know I have been to Wales driving myself, stayed at my daughters and I have his birthday and a solo holiday coming up. I am scared my heart races everytime I think about it and I don’t know why, so I think what’s the worse that could happen and what can I do about it.
Look how strong we have all been arranging funerals and sorting paperwork and yes the shock got us through it, but I think we can all plan one thing to do to beat our anxiety, tomorrow mine is to go into the garage and face all Graham’s tools, just going in there will be an achievement.
So sorry I have gone on a bit but anxiety, clinical depression have been part of my life for past 10yrs. The medication helps us be strong to fight and face getting out of bed each day.
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Thank you. I’m struggling with anxiety again after a couple of good week were I made myself go out and be amongst people. This week has not be brilliant but will pick myself up.and make the effort to.get out there again. Picking C’s ashes up on tuesday has knocked me back but he would be telling to get on with it and live the best life for both of us
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Guess what Shirley I kept some of Graham’s ashes and they are travelling with me! Today I went to the cemetery where most of his ashes have been buried, I took my daughters dog and I sat had z chat with Graham and had a little cry while telling him the plans for his birthday. When I got Graham’s ashes it hurt a great deal it felt so final, I actually took the stuck down lid off the scatter pot and felt him. It’s on the shelf and is actually giving me a bit of comfort now. I hope you can find the same comfort, give it a few days.
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@Shirleymc - I found getting my husband’s ashes much harder than I expected. It was a part of the process I hadn’t thought about whilst I was busy organising the funeral and everything else that’s needed in the beginning.
I was initially so upset having the ashes but I bought a stone ornament for them to keep in the garden. He loved it there. Now it’s nice that I have them, I will always move them with me and my son will do if I’m gone. It’s surprised me how much comfort I’ve felt from having them with me.
Do what you feel is right for you.
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Thank you I hadn’t thought it through and went on my own and those feelings came out of nowhere and have been so intense and it’s so final but we hopefully have a positve day when we scatter them into the sea with his grandchildren playing a major role. I am like you thinking of keeping some back and putting them in his man cave . Take care and thank you
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