I hope you arrived safely and the journey was okay. Enjoy being with your family. X
You will feel exhausted tonight Shirley but YOU DID IT 
Thank you journey went well train crew really helpfull tired now after picking up grandson from school and then gymnastics. All I can say is train travel works and facing your anxiety might be stressful but Iām glad I did it. The next step is the journey back.and facing an empty house but thatās for another day. Thank you for being there for me
2 Likes
You are welcome anytime Shirley, enjoy your time with family x
Thank you 1st sole trip since C died 5 months ago. He had Cancer for 10 years the last 2 were the hardest due to covid and shielding. Thankfully he got his wish and died at home. So glad I was able to manage it with support from the palliative care team and district nurses. Afterwards I felt set adrift the support you had dissappears and you are left dibilitated emtionally exhausted and anxious. Thankfully my sons and a good friend stepped up and helped me put one foot in front of the other . Counselling and talking is the only way I feel helps make sense of the grief you are experiancing and then accepting you canāt do it on your own
1 Like
Hi Shirleymc
Your experience is very similar to mine. My husband had cancer for 4 years and like you the last 18 months made worse with shielding and not being able to see anyone. I was speaking to a counsellor at cruse today and I said how hard it was that everyone disappears and it would have been nice for one of the district nurses or the macmillan nurse to come and see me after he died.
I got to know them with them coming regularly and you just donāt get to see them again and like you I felt cast aside and unsupported. I know they are busy but one visit to discuss things would be good.
Well done on doing your trip xx
2 Likes
I spent many years looking after my wife whilst still working she passed away at the end of 2019. It didnāt effect me the way I expected I suppose because we both knew she would go first we were married 45yrs and 40 of those years she had heart problems having 2 by pass oops. She really hadnāt been happy for the last 4-5yrs not being mobile was hard for her. What I wasnāt prepared for 6mths later me getting a cancer diagnosis I have never had a serious illness in my life so that hit me hard in fact at first I was in denial. I couldnāt accept that I had cancer. The only thing I was worried about was our 2 dogs who would look after them. They helped me so much with grief something to look after and take my mind off the grief I donāt think really I have ever grieved. Lock down didnāt affect me because I didnāt and still now donāt go anywhere. Tomorrow is my first granddaughterās wedding Iām going but I know there will be a lot of people there that I havenāt seen since before my wife passed how am I going to handle that I donāt know. But I will. Life has to carry on no matter how bad it gets I canāt deny I have thought about suicide but then I had a stern word with myself that that is the cowards way out live life no matter what it throws at you.
Awake again and the anxiety has kicked in . Thought being at my sonās would help but the tears arenāt far away. My grandson keeps me distracted during the day and I was hoping that would help ease those early morning feelings and Iād sleep through that 6 am kick. Going home on Monday not looking forward to be greeted by an empty house . I just wish i could stop feeling the way I do every morning.
1 Like
I also feel like that. I dread waking up. The anxiety kicks in as soon as I wake up. Itās the thought of our soulmates not being here. I am trying talking to him in the morning to see if that will alleviate the feelings. As if he were still lying beside me. I have a cushion with his face smiling back at me. Some mornings are worse than others. Iāve read that gentle exercise helps. I just want to be able to wake up with feelings of calm. Youāre not alone xx
2 Likes
Thank you Itās the hardest part of losing them waking up to an empty bed is the worst feeling ever and so hard to explain to someone who hasnāt lost their partner in life. You want them there but accept thatās not going to happen and black cloud decends and the tears flow. After nearly 6 months I thought it would get better but sometimes it feels worse than those early days of grief.
3 Likes
Morning Nel & Shirley, I feel exactly the same. Shirley I stayed at my daughters two weeks ago and I cried one of the mornings in fact I think the anxiety was worse. When I arrived home I stupidly did what Iāve always done and waved at my husband who of course was not there so cried some more. I unpacked, but the radio on and made a cup of tea and told Graham out loud about my time away. I havenāt washed the pillow Graham slept on as it has his smell. Even the sunshine doesnāt help 1st thing.
1 Like
Hi all, the mornings are the worst, for a split second you forget they are not next to you. I often spray his favourite after shave on his side of the bed so I can smell and sense Doug near. I havenāt washed his pillow either.
Travelling home tdy not looking forward to going into an empty house or being on my own . When Iāve been away before my son has always stayed over night so this time will be the 1st for me. Anxiety is already building up and tears arenāt to far away. I wish I didnāt feel like this.
Thinking of you Shirley, when you get home put the radio on and the kettle and uou sit and let it all out. Itās a good day for travelling and there are slways people to ask for help.
I go on Wednesday and I will need a listening ear then. If you need a chat when you get home post on here I will respond. X
Thank you for sharing this Pushkin28 . I was going to scatter my husbands ashes this month but I find myself unable to do it. I am now saying I am going to keep his ashes for at least a year but the truth is I donāt know if I will ever be able to let them go.
1 Like
Only you will know Ferret and thereās no right or wrong just what ever helps you take care.
1 Like
Thank you. It really hard feel so anxious donāt want to be here but I know it will pass and tomorrow will fingers crossed be a better day . Will be around on wednesday if you need a listening ear.
Thanks Shirley, I hope you sleep well back in your own bed, think happy memories
Had a cuppa and managed to get shopping done. Feel weepy but the tears wonāt come .
Well done Shirley fir what youāve achieved your husband will be so proud of you and smiling down. Iām sure your tears will come and take you by surprise