I do know this widow brain of which you speak. If I am enduring an intense grief period I know that my thinking is abnormal, foggy. But outside these periods my cognitive ability is generally ok. Indeed, in the year after Christine’s death I knew I needed a heavy duty distraction so I embarked on further postgraduate study at Kings College London. I managed the first two semesters but have deferred the third as my grief has been building since early this year.
Yes I am reflective. I agree with what you say. Sometimes I live too much in my head and it is not helpful. Christine was very good at helping me to deal with this.
Yes. I do think the caution that comes with our life experiences can be a hinderance in grief and the contemplation of change. I certainly would not advocate recklessness, but I (certainly) get hung up on effectively prevaricating essentially because I think I am seeking some ideal change rather than a more relaxed, let’s give it a shoot and see what happens sort of change.
I agree, change just for the sake of change is not for me either. As you point out, change in buckets has been foisted on us anyway. We want purposeful change, and to establish our own agency anew.
This notion of “anchor” is I think very interesting. I would suggest that we have completely lost our prior anchor, we need to embrace the idea that we (sadly) are our own anchor now. Does that make sense?
My thoughts on what change? My head is spinning! But I need to effect some change! As for the same room … of one thing I am clear … I do want to move. What was our home is now just an empty house with me in it. I no longer want to live in London. But where else? Abroad maybe?
My son lives in Vancouver. I was talking to him the other day about how much rain we have been having. He laughed and said if I wanted to know what real persistent rain was like, come to Vancouver. Hopefully the rain has at least let up in Toronto.
The burden of grief and guilt is a terrible one for you. When in the vice like grip of such feelings, it can have a huge distorting effect on the way we think about ourselves and the rest of the world. Although it may be very difficult, it may be helpful if you can consider this thought.
Remember, it is only by being in this world that we can experience change and it is only by being in this world that we can effect change.
Sometimes we just have to cling on by our fingernails until the worst of these ghastly feelings pass.
Thank you.
But i miss my partner, i miss all those time we were together all things we did together, all things my partner did for me.
I now have no home no family few friends in the uk.
Every day i feel i am alone.
We had argument before i was forced to leave my partner’s house, our home. I was not allowed to contact my partner. Untill the passing and funeral i was not acknowledged. How i can forgive myself.
@JerryH Hi Simon, it feels like many places are drenched with rain. Warm beverages are definitely a must. Toronto is getting colder now, finally is slipping into the deep freeze.
Thanks for clarifying how you experience caution in grieving and making changes. I see your point. Perhaps the need for this unquestionable willingness, which persisted for decades now been lost together with our beloved that is behind all this. Caution served a meaningful purpose, to keep two people well. Now this caution is morphing into an existential one, to keep the alone self above the water, without fully sure of why. While it may be protective, it may also prevent us making changes.
Anchor … hmm. I hear you there, we have to be our own anchor. Since the Hiroshima, I have been praying a lot… to ground myself, asking enormous questions that probably God is even tired of hearing.
I have read about the grief comes back in vengeance if one were to distract oneself too much from it at the beginning months. Our hearts and souls need to connect with our beloved albeit spiritually. Possible ? Well, you accomplished two semesters and have kept your brain power intact ! Something to be proud of …: )
It has been quite a while for me to find new meaning… which often I see none from this planet, seriously. Only few months ago, I started to feel more strength inside, that at least I can now do daily mathematics, deal with practical matter begrudgingly. Definitely, with no zest.
At some point, I am hoping to join a volunteer project somewhere else, just so I can have my runaway…and may be I could actually live there. It seems to me my room need to be changed one way or another.
Please take care…. and you too, stay warm and dryish. Chat again.
Since I do not live in UK, so am not familiar with your services there. I just quickly checked , you could sign up (do not give up put your name there even you must wait for it…this is a long process for us)
(Online Bereavement Counselling Service | Sue Ryder)
I think JerrryH is right, sometimes we have to hold our teeth tight …. and sit there let the pain wash over us, while we deep breathe, meditate or talk to God…. And keep doing this….until the pain subsides a little …. And talk to people in person or phone, this has really helped me.
My apologies for a less considered reply. New Years Eve is a challenging time for me (and many others here I know), jumbled thoughts have been spinning around in my head so I have spent most of the day with distractions and trying to calm myself.
I hope you are fairing ok today. It’s continued to periodically pour with rain in London today.
Please feel free to PM me to chat; it’s easier to follow the thread of the conversation.
I’m so sorry to hear about your partner. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of the last few weeks with your partner.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling. I gather you have been struggling to access the website? Please do try again, and let us know if you need any support with this.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, get in touch with one of these services.
@ JasonJason How are you today? Have you had your hot beverage yet ? If not, hurry get a coffee or tea, somewhere warm. Give yourself a break… ok. We are still here, and you are here … it is another day we conquered…
A secret: all widowed people have suicidal thoughts, some just do not talk about it… so the point is to talk with someone … keep talking, keep trying … we are all doing this. Trying to find a place to land our feet, rest our head a bit… Not always work, but keep going for now… until you have more strength, until you can think better …nurse your wounds now… this is the time for crying and healing…
OK… God will send human angels around… you are breathing today. so God is here with you…which is eternal.
Thank you.
I tried everyday to cope and talk.
I have been no goals for my life.
Especially i have no home no family in the uk anymore.
I apologise to my partner all the time and ask my partner’s forgiveness.
I thank to what my partner did for me.
Tell my partner i love and miss my beloved one.
I had opportunities in the past to explain, clarify, correct or change the situation in the past but i didn’t notice at the time, i missed all chances.
I hate myself.
Miker I can relate to you I lost my beloved fiancé Steve 6 months ago he was a DJ and dies suddenly i was tarnished and abandoned from his funeral by his parents I never met and his daughter she was like my own but as soon as he passed I was none excistance everything was left to her and his ex wife sorted out all his paper work I wasn’t allowed a say or do anything it breaks my heart as I cry all the time my head hurts my chest hurts I try to keep focused by doing things around the home but it’s not the same they times a healer no you just learn to cope with the grief as grief is love with no place to go I’ll never forget my Dj Steve and his music will live on in me as I listen to his shows that sometimes bring great comfort x
with no place to go I’ll never forget my Dj Steve and his music will live on in me as I listen to his shows that sometimes bring great comfort x