@Misty1972 so pleased 
xx
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Struggling today 
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@Misty1972, I too struggling always on Sunday Bloody Sunday itās the day she died and today I have to go back to the same town to get my first Covid jab I should be happy but Iām not. We did everything together, we should have being doing this together. Itās still why why why .
Tomorrow another day
Take care x
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Weekends do really stink now, same as any other day really, itās the same sadness spreading out throughout the day instead of hitting you all at once after work on weekdays. Not sure which one is worseā¦
All we can do is trying to find something to kill time and not think of āwhatās the pointā. Hope you guys have found that āsomethingā today to keep you going xxx
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Morning gang.xx
I LOATHE Sundays.
12 weeks today since I lost him.
I TRY and keep busy, but its like its in your pocket or sat on your shoulder.
You can never really get away from it.
I have come a long way in 12 weeks.
I am more numb than anything else.
Its so hard not having him around.
Was looking at photos of him on my phone last night.
It was nice seeing his face. X
I need to put some more of his socks and old tshirts in the bin later.
Small steps.
He had some beautiful suits.
I dont think i can ever part with those.
Shoes shoes shoes. He loved his shoes and trainers, some never worn.
It is so hard throwing things away.
Football shirts. Lord above, so many.
It breaks my heart, but as i said, small steps.
Havent heard from anyone for a while now other than a couple of close friends and my big sister, who has been a rock.x
Will try and keep myself busy with boring housework.
Stay strong.
Sending love and light. Xxx
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@Mickp itās hard isnāt. I feel cheated for being happy. Good luck with your jab. Sheāll be happy that you will be safer xx
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@Bristles
Does it get easier?
Iām here in Bexley and still in bed. Just canāt face even the world through a window today x
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Sounds to me we are all in the same boat. Nearly three months since I lost Beverley the love of my life, I guess you can say it is only early days of my greaving but how long can you suffer with such pain in your heart I am getting counselling but not sure if it is working but I am trying anything to get out of this nightmare. I read Mickp post how he was there when his wife passed, it was just the same for me in the ICU with gowns on masks on visors on gloves on, not a thing you can remove from your mind. One day at a timeā¦ easier said than done at the moment.
Covid took my wife and a big part of me x x x
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@Bluecatmum77
So weāre all united on Sundays Rubbish day.
Iāve found a lady in Leicestershire who is take some of my wifeās favourite brand (Joules) of tops and making them into two patchwork memory cushions .
The rest will go to the Hospice shop when it opens Its s tough doing the sorting and like you can only do it bit by bit. Personal clothing has already gone except for one pair of Pjs Iāve left under the pillow 
Take care x
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@Bristles so sorry that you are struggling so badly with your losses, birthday and anniversary. I am looking out at the snow falling, and although I am dreading having to go out of the house tomorrow, after so much snowfall, it is pretty to watch it coming down.
@Mickp glad you are having your jab. I am sure your wife would have wanted you to have it. Sorry you have to go back to the town where your wife died to have it.
@Ron hope the counselling helps. Flashbacks are horrid arenāt they? They happen so unexpectedly when you are thinking about or doing something totally unconnected with the experience you have had.
@Misty1972 None of us can take away your pain. We are all struggling with our own, and just trying to get through the day. If I could give you a huge hug I would. Try not to push yourself too hard at the moment. You are still in shock and grief.
To everyone else today, know that you are not suffering alone. All of us on here seem to be in a sad sickening mess. We are the only ones that can pull ourselves upwards, but I know from reading other posts we are all thinking whatās the point. Wallowing in my misery is not helping, but nothing else is helping either. The only thing that has brought comfort is walking. A man on here said he walks and walks and walks, so I decided to try it and it calms me down. Not doing it today though. Last thing I need is to have a nasty fall, without my partner around to look after me.
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@Wong I concur on the walking. I walk most days about two miles + not today though. When the house shouts at me I go out.
A lasting mare of mine is seeing her, paramedics arming her though the front room out the front door and into the ambulance and seeing those scared rabbit in the headlight eyes looking back at me as the doors closed.
Thanks all. Each of your stories shatters my broken heart a bit more. Our stories are all similar, just our distance into journeys differ. You all give me hope that one day we will ālive alongsideā our loss. I have a long way to go I think but I will. I will make him proud, as I was proud to be his wife, forever more
Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day (not weather related) x
Hi Gang. Xx
The good and bad days are as and when.
I have been cleaning my cooker hood for something to do.
Stops me thinking, this time 12 weeks ago i was doing thisā¦or thisā¦or that.
@Wong, you are a very brave person. Another post that broke my heart.
We are all brave.
Whenever i hear an ambulance siren i go cold.
Was in the car the other day and just froze.
Not good when you are driving.
The flashbacks still take me back to sunday 15th November 6.35am when i found him slumped over the table in the garden.
Desperately attempting CPR.
The anguish of waiting for the paramedics. There were 4 working on him at one point.
I heard one of the paramedics say no signs of Rigor.
There is absolutely nothing i can do to stop them.
Im watching the snow fall.
My life has turned to absolute Sh*t.
I am lonely. I am bored.
The increase dose of anti depressants is getting me through. I am mostly numb.
I can function. I can work.
Without them, i would probably be a half starved, drunken hysterical mess still in bed.
The booze made me worse.
I read every single post and identify with everything.
The nights are getting lighter.
Spring is slowly creeping in.
Cant wait to get working in the garden.
Sending strength, love and light. Xxx
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Reading the postsā¦ I donāt know how we can do it but we are here. Thank goodness for this group though I feel bad being relieved Iām not the only one hurting in all the ways mentionedā¦
@Bristles if you feel like it i am interested to hear how it happened that you got married on your birthday. It sounds like a double happy occasion. Iām sorry today is the polar opposite for you. It feels weird saying happy birthday or happy anniversary so I will just acknowledge the day instead and wish for you to get a peaceful sleep away from all this tonight. Take care.
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I chose this for Venetiaās funeral still makes me cry
Do not stand here for me and weep
I am not here I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morningās hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds and circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand here for me and cry
I am not here
I did not dieā¦ā¦
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Bristles thank you for answering. Yes it sounds like you wouldnāt have wanted to argue about the date anyway as you clearly adore your lovely wife and her you. Since you were made for each other I guess the day didnāt matter and what a birthday present 
My husband and I were also always with each other every opportunity. This is impossible now being separated when inseparable. How is that even allowedā¦ what a screwed and crazy lifeā¦
Even though this pain is worse because we didnāt have our own lives like many husbands/wives do I am glad we spent so much time with our soulmates whilst we could. We were (are) all in and thatās why this hurts so badly. Take care everyoneā¦
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Hi gang. Xx
Just checking in.
Absolutely exhausted with the emotional rollercoaster ive been on last couple of days.
Was still wide awake at 3am sobbing., cryingv for him.
Today, wiped out.
Been hurting badly today. So sad.
Called my neighbour by my Husbands name before when i wanted his attentiin over the cat havjng cream off my trifle.
I apologised. He said dont ever apologise.
He lost his beautiful wife of 51 years in Aug.
We have been good friends for 22 years.
He knows what im going through.
I want numb back. I like numb. Numb is good.
Sending love. Xx
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Dear Bluecatmum77
I am often still awake around 2/3am then have no incentive to get out of bed in the morning.
My son is a double of his dad, so frequently call him by his dadās name and our little grandson has many characteristics of his granda, especially his hair. I cry and sob that he will never see his granda again - my husband adored him.
This journey is a real rollercoaster for us all isnāt it. So sad that we find ourselves in this place.
Please take care.
Sheila x
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@Bluecatmum77, @Sheila26
Funny,well not funny, I too had a bad day today too many thoughts racing around and early evening my 16 y.o granddaughter video chatted me from New Zealand ( just eating her breakfast) to say thanks for her birthday card and present talking to her I just melted down and my Son stepped in and took over. Poor girl I hope I havenāt spoiled her day ,but I was just overwhelmed thinking how my Venetia wonāt see her grow into the beautiful woman sheās going to be .
Even though Vee. was not her real Nana she was around since her birth and loved her like her own flesh and blood.
Another of those firsts I guess, next one Iām dreading March 7th our 29th wedding anniversary, but together over 33 years .
Some days I think I canāt do this anymore,then tomorrow comes and I dig in ā¦till the next time.
Sleep well if you can.
Goodnight until tomorrow, whatever that brings ?
Xxx
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