Dear Mickp
Will keep my fingers crossed for the weather. I still have Ian’s ashes. Have booked a cottage up on the Northumberland coast for July and me and family hopefully will all get together and place the ashes on the beach. It was a place we spent many happy family holidays. So the plan is for our anniversary is to go up to the seaside town and walk some of the routes that Ian, myself and the kids did.
Take care.
@Sheila26 That’s a nice thing to do.
Our last holiday was last September in Norfolk.
We visited Norwich Cathedral where she lit two candles,one for her daughter (cancer 8 years ago)and her sister ( cancer 2019) so hopefully later this year I’ll return and light three and revisit our favourite places.
@Mickp Our last holiday was in August 2019 on the near Cromer of the Norfolk coast. I’ve lovely memories of that holiday, we had no idea it would be our last
@RichardM We loved Norfolk, our last Christmas together in 2019 was spent there Christmas Day on Horsey beach seal watching with mulled wine and mince pies.
As you say never in a million years did I think it would be our last
Pur last holiday was end of August after our marriage - Honey moon East Coast our regular haunt with lots of.crazy friends x x We had no idea x no idea at all x I feel so lucky itwas sucha fun time.x x
Hi gang. Xx
Bad day again today.
Had to take a diazepam. Can feel panic attack coming on.
I have never known anything so strong and debilitating as this.
If no better in a few days, i will ring GP.
Hope everyone is having a better day than i am. Xx
Sending love and light.
@Bluecatmum77 If it’s any consolation I phoned doctors today Re. not sleeping well have been prescribed an allergy tablet which has the side effect of drowsiness ? will have to see if it works. Plus given me Cruse helpline number,haven’t rung it yet .
It’s sunny now where I am so I’m going for a walk now out of this prison.
Take care x
Just… lots of love xx
Bad day alert
Can’t stop crying. Just made breakfast and put it straight into the fox box (we feed a friendly group of foxes)
Can’t ever see an end to this pain
Maybe its the pending funeral. Got to go to bank later to unfreeze funds to pay for it
Im only 48! I could have double my lifetime feeling this bad 
Hi @Misty1972,
Sorry you are having a bad day but at least the friendly foxes appreciated your warm meal xxx
I dread counting the possible years ahead too as living for another 30 or 40 years alone like this is something I can’t wrap my head around.
Hope your preparation of the funeral will be smooth xxx
Feeling your pain and sending you a hug.
I was widowed when | was 46 the first time in 1994. I feel for you and know its so hard. I have just been widowed again, in November, with the additional complication of Covid meaning no visiting. it seems much harder this time maybe because I’m older ? For the future there is plenty of time for you to have a new life but the grieving has to be gone though first. You will come through. I hope you have a close friend who can share your need to express the grief. Keep crying. it helps to express the sadness.
God bless
Tricia
I lost my husband nov20th 2020
He had a heart attack in front of when whilst I woke up
I can’t imagine how you pulled through this heart-wrenching grief once and now need to face it all over again… The fear of losing another loved one makes me even question the prospect of a pet companion.
Third week in the new job today and I am still unable to keep the tears in on the crowded train back home. It’s been almost 5 months and I just wish I am stronger by now.
Thank you all. Moment by moment and just hope this sadness subsides today. I know it will never leave me completely. Thank you for your genuinely caring messages
@Bobmajor Im at that stage where the thought of another love feels impossible. I do accept though that it is only 4 weeks today for me. I feel so sorry that you’ve had to go through this twice. My hearts breaks for you
X
@Misty1972
Sorry your in a bad place today.
I understand exactly where you are in order of things that need to be done you don’t want to do them because a part of you is still in denial and by doing them it just makes it more real.
No denying, it’s very tough, but sadly all the bureaucracy and red tape has to be done.
It’s three months this Sunday since my wife died and I still haven’t fully accepted it .
Sending you strength and love
@Mickp Thank you. Yes I think it’s the build up of stuff to do and the reality of the funeral a week tomorrow. I’m not ready. I’ll never be ready
I hope your day is going ok x
Thankyou for your kind words.
I know that we are all in a world that we do not want, At the moment in my mind is do not think too much all we have to do is exist do not think any future just think today who knows what will happen beyond these days. I read the posts of the count down till we meet our loved passed ones I know I have done it myself I am 60 I look af my dad he is 94 this year I cannot think I have those years without my wife he lost his wife (my mum) when she was 76 with cancer. Nine years later he met another lady who he has been with since but not together he still lives at home and she lives in her own home she is in her mid eighties they are in lock down but they talk to each other, all I am trying to say who knows what tomorrow brings, I am not trying to put a good spin on things as I have and am still going through the hell we all know even the thought of not waking up the morning after but who knows what tomorrow brings I do not know so just existing at the moment is all I have
Hi gang. Xx
First day back in the office since i lost my hubby.
Wow. Such a TOUGH day. Had lots of genuine sympathy.
Office still on skeleton staff due to covid.
I have cried and cried and cried.
Everyone so lovely.
I am just at such a cross roads.
I dreamt of hubby last night.
Was wonderful to see him and hear him, even though it was a disturbing dream.
I dont really want to be here any more.
They say time is a healer?
For me, my despair is accelerating by the day.
I miss him. I want to be with him
I miss his smell. I miss his beautiful cheeky grin.
He was very shy and only i could bring him out of his shell and make him laugh the way he did.
I want to rest my head on his shoulder and cuddle up to him.
Im praying that the 3 month mark is the turning point?
That i am going through these depths to then come out the other side?
I feel like i am.losing control?
This is so powerful.
It is all consuming and there is no respite.
I am being tortured by my own brain.
I am posting this incase someone else identifies with this.
We have to get through this together.
Love to all. Xx
Yes when I look at a picture of Gary, it puts me back into negative thoughts. However I do at times feel stuck
which is pretty bad, thankfully it doesn’t last.
But truly I know what you mean when you say your brain is going against you.
I think it’s that your mind is trying to heal but we are not yet in the right place yet because we are not ready. It’s just not fair.
It’s a roller coaster of what if’s and bad thoughts.
What I did was to try to think if Gary would have wanted me to grieve so much. I can say emphatically he would not.
So I am trying to keep it a little less very day.
He would be proud of me