@Bluecatmum77 I will be three months into my loss on Sunday.
Am I moving forward ? Yes some days, more not though.
Is there a turning point ? I guess so but it doesn’t seem so yet.
I miss her smell,her touch,her warmth,her disagreeing with me.
Stupid things set me off, taking a new jar of coffee out of the cupboard and thinking , she bought that, she touched it,she put it there .Then later I cleaned the car,vacuumed the drivers side mat,went to the passenger side it was clean ,her sunglasses still in the front ,can’t touch them.
I’ve left a pair of her PJ’S under the pillow her side of the bed.
So we go one step forward and two back most days.
She consumes my thoughts every waking moment until exhaustion takes over and sleep,and the cycle starts again next day.
Hope tomorrow goes better for you,
Take care x
I can’t bring myself to put away his shaver or toothbrush. His reading glasses are on the coffee table. His wallet on the side. His sunglasses in their usual place. His 2020 diary is still on the coffee table
One day. Not today. Not tomorrow but one day. He would not want me living in a shrine. I will fill the house with photos and memories but not make it a museum💔
I kept Gary’s wallet and his ashes.
I have not scattered them yet.
Waiting for a moment when the family is together
Not sure when that will be though
Dear @Mickp,
Your words are so very, very accurate, it’s all of those small things that can cause so much pain with their reminders.
My wife’s coffee jar still sits adjacent to our cooker, beside the various bottles of cooking oils she used to use. Her spice jars are in one kitchen cupboard, her part-used jars of peanut butter in another. Her sunglasses are in a kitchen drawer, along with her cigarette lighters. I miss doing her laundry, her washed clothes still hang over the back of one of the dining room chairs. I have food and drinks in the fridge which were hers, even though most have long since passed their use-by date. Her toiletries still lie in the same place in the bathroom as they did on the day she passed away. I can barely drive my car with an empty passenger seat, her asthma inhalers are still in the pocket of the passenger car door. I have one of her tops folded and lying on her side of the bed, her wheelchair still sits in the dining room where she used to sit to sort out her cigarettes. She permeates every brick of our house, and I cannot even contemplate the possibility of ever having to leave this house, and the memories we made in it.
I think of my wife every minute of every day, and I tell her that every day and night. And then, as you say, each day ends and all of these thoughts start again the next day.
I have no solution.
I had worked myself up into quite a state today but calmed now. Since waking I have tried to do various jobs on my list but ended up sitting crying in various locations instead. I’ve just tried to access his emails as I still haven’t changed so many things over but the emails no longer work. It’s not a massive deal as I have a list with 63 things on that need to be done and I don’t care about that stupid list because those practical things don’t matter so much even though they do… what matters is him himself. To talk with, to be cuddled.
I have never been so deeply upset or upset for so long as these last months. Some days I feel I am coping and putting our life back together a bit but then the next it’s all hopeless again. It’s just hard to see any point to anything now.
Like Riley and others say on here it is very hard to imagine 40 or more years of this life now. I feel so cheated of our future. I never needed him as much. There is no room in my new life for being pathetic but that’s all I can manage.
Hi gang. Xx
@FleurDeLis. You must not call yourself pathetic.
My first day back in the actual office yesterday simce i lost Hubby.
Cried 4 times yesterday.
People were so lovely.
Today i am on an uber downer with added anxiety and panicky feelings.
I just need a cuddle from him.
Hear his voice.
Rest my head on his chest watching TV in bed.
He was 6’1, im 5ft. He was my big bear.
Gentle giant.
He LOVED the sun.
Im dreading spring and summer.
Im actually dreading the rest of my days without him.
3 month now and i am still an emotional wreck.
Never know what mood im going to be im from one hour to the next.
Friends and family definitely backing away now.
They just dont get it.
Thats why i come on here.
You all understand.
Sending love and light. Xx
thank you Bluecatmum xx
I’m sorry that you are having an uber downer too. I had a “good” day yesterday too (also working) and reminding of that helps because today I feel like I felt like this forever and will forever but it can’t be true if yesterday was not like this.
I also dont want warm pleasant sunny days. they feel indecent now. I want storm. chaos. destruction and never-ending winter because that’s what I feel like inside. Also lockdown is ok because I add up all the people in life and they don’t add up to him so why bother. who cares if I lose all those so called friends who I’m ignoring for a while already because I dont want any more points in bullshit bingo.
I am calmer this last hour. Done some heavy breathing (if I can work out how to reconnect the landline I’d be able to make some seriously good funny phonecalls). Got wine.
Hope you can all breathe somehow. This place, breathing and wine is bringing me back. Hope you all get back somehow.
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time.
Do take some time for yourself
It’s not easy at all.
I feel abandoned at times
This will pass, though it seems like forever.
I promise it won’t be forever.
Enjoy what you have.
My husband is in a better place now.
Yes I miss him so much
I did not get to say goodbye
I try to not let that be another bad thought.
It was not my fault.
I’m sure he even knows that too.
FleurDeLis, I so identify with you about weather etc, I want dark nights, cold weather and lock down can stay here as far as I’m concerned. The thought of summer days and evenings is horrific and I’m quite happy not seeing anyone as I don’t want to feel I have to be cheerful and what exactly are you supposed to say when that inane question comes…“how are you… How do you feel… Are you feeling better”. I suspect the answer of “I want to die to be honest” wouldn’t be socially acceptable but why should we dress it up?
Sending a hug to you, you made me smile with your mention of wine and also the heavy breathing phone calls.
So true about what some of you posted about keeping things as they were. They say that the final stage of grief is “acceptance”. Have you guys ever wondered what this glorious stage entails? Would we be able to look at their belongings without yearning and think of the memories without the hurt of a twisting knife in our hearts? Would we miss them less?
I have no idea what “acceptance” means and maybe someone can enlighten me here…
Morning gang. Xx
Ive woken up numb again. Hallelujah.
Exhausted, but numb.
Im going to ring the funeral directors to arrange to collect his ashes.
Ready to bring him home for his birthday next week.
Dreading it, but i know its time.
Maybe having him home will help?
Not ready to scatter his ashes yet.
I asked him to look after me last night.
Ill never get over losing him. Never.
Ill just learn to live my life without him.
So im hoping for another numb spell.
Maybe thats the cycle?
Agonising emotional pain, then numbness for a bit of respite?
Wishing you all a better day. Sounds like we were all in the mill yesterday. Xx
@Bluecatmum77 Collection of ashes, up there on the list of sh#* things we have to do. I walked to the undertakers and walked her home one more time.I had her internment booked so to speak but had two weeks to wait so what to do with them. We’re all different, some like to keep them forever, not me I wanted her laid to rest with her parents and sister in a village graveyard and then I have somewhere to go and be with her.
But the two weeks I had her home I put her in her side of the bed ,some may say weird but I couldn’t sit snd stare at the “Biodegradable Casket” I was told she’d be in … a bloody cardboard box with a printed label ,that upset me so day before internment I had her placed in a nice oak casket.
Sending you strength and love
Hello Bluecatmum77
I hope your day is less awful today.
I am going through stages of numbness too and it makes me feel bad, as though I’m not feeling the grief enough, then I start over-analysing how I feel which isn’t helpful. I’m trying to accept that every day brings a different part of the rollercoaster and am trying to go with that.
Be brave when you ring the funeral director.
My wife’s ashes have laid on the double bed in the back bedroom as we did not sleep together for the fear of covid, a lot of good that did, for the last three and a half months, Teddy bears each side of as you say the cardboard tube that is decorated with sun flowers. I have cried at the bottom of that bed, talked to her kissed that tube full of ashes and I still do not know the next stage with her ashes, my life still so worthless to me… I do not think acceptence is in my head, moving forward seems an impossible task I do not know how to deal with the pain anymore, I wish I was strong like my wife but she was my strength so that has been taken away from me also.
I’ve collected Graham’s ashes today 9 weeks after his funeral and 3 months after I lost him. I think in my head if I didn’t collect the ashes I could maybe pretend i haven’t lost him. Today was the day it was time. I collected them shit scared I was gonna drop him then drove home and played one of the songs from his funeral. I broke my heart all over again but he is at home. Feel relieved to have finally done it but sad that all I have left is a box of ashes. Will be thinking of you .
Take care
Julie x
My heart is breaking for you. It so echoes how I’m feeling can’t accept and definitely cannot think of the future. I don’t want a future of being alone.
Thinking of you
Julie x
@Juli69 I know it’s a difficult day .I know I felt I had her back in sense,but I knew only temporary as I had her final resting place organised .
It was a circular journey leaving in an ambulance,not coming home, undertakers,crematorium, now home.
I’m happy she’s now with her family members in a village graveyard I go every Sunday and talk to her and take more flowers,cry and leave.
And I take comfort that one day we’ll be together again ,some days I wish it were tomorrow
Hi gang. Xx
I want him home now.
I do think its another part of dealing with it.
I will have to accept that hes in a small box and not just disappeared in the hope hes coming back to me one day.
I know where hes going to go.
Not sure whether to keep some of him in a tiny urn and take him back to Lanzarote?
Or is it fairer to let him go all at once when me and his parents scatter him together?
Im not ready to scatter him yet.
Had a couple of wobbles today, but overall had a strong day.
Just hoping that those reading this having a bad day have a numb day tomorrow.
Thank you all for your messages.
They give me strength, advice reconition to feelings and scenarios.
Makes me feel like im that but less mad than i first thought.
Sending love , light and virtual hugs. Xx
Hello @Ron. You may not be ready for acceptance but you are stronger than you believe. You thought your wife was the strong one. My husband always thought I was the strong one and that I could cope with anything. Now he is gone I realize that my strength came from knowing he was always there as my lovely soulmate. With him beside me I actually could do anything but now that strength is all gone, along with him. Today is his birthday and it has been hard to face but I carry on just to make sure he would be proud of me. I too am not ready for acceptance but what you had with your wife was real and loving. Not even death is strong enough to change that.
Love and light. x
@Bluecatmum77
My mother in law wants my husband at her local church where his father and grandmother are. I want him scattered in Crete, our happy place. He will go to both. I will keep a small urn in his memory box and also have ashes into jewellery so that he travels through life with me. The ashes are the physical. His spirit is with me x