@Legolaslass @Misty1972
I hope you guys both managed to get a reasonable night sleep. I’m now lying in bed wide awake, I might as well get up and make a cuppa
I was fully awake at 3am. Sunday night I got less than 4 hours sleep, so was hoping as I was busy non stop Monday to sleep well Monday night, but no. Like you Richard I got up and made a cuppa. Have done a load of washing and put it on the airer. Have to start getting ready for work in an hour so no further sleep for me. The night time demons, worries and flashbacks have struck again! Had two people at work tell me I looked dreadful yesterday. I thought I was hiding things fairly well there now, but must be looking a bit haggard as neither of those colleagues are known for being observant. I temporarily reduced my hours, but still have the same amount of work to do as when I am full time working. My brain is slow at work too so that is not helping. Told my manager I am worried that things are backing up, and got a shrug of the shoulders as she walked out the room. I usually can’t get to sleep, not like me to be up for sunrise!
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Snap, although I’m going to chance my arm and try the washing line outside
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Morning. Finally managed to drop off at about two (big improvement on the 5am’s I’ve had recently). Been awake half hour and tried to drop back off but looks like a cuppa and laundry for me too. Had a slight plumbing emergency yesterday, so not a dry towel in the house! I hope you both have a better day.x
Hope you have sorted your plumbing @Legolaslass. I have had various home issues since my partner died. Some I am living with for the time being, others I have had to sort. The frustration of having to sort things out alone often brings me to tears. If we were still together we would definitely have found some humour in some of the situations I have found myself in. We probably didn’t appreciate fully the jobs that our loved ones used to do when they were here. I wish I had watched how to do some of the things more closely. Google often helps me. Must admit I have found I am very wobbly on a ladder now I am older. I try to have my mobile with me if I am in the garden, or attempting a difficult task. If I don’t knock myself unconscious, or electrocute myself, at least I can phone for assistance if I injure myself. I could be there for days otherwise.
Hope your washing dries ok @RichardM. Bit damp for mine to go out. It always smells better when it is dried outside.
Hope everyone has a decent day today.
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@Legolaslass and gang.
Good morning…
3 months since i lost hubby.
Does it get easier, well it gets different…
Grief is such a rollercoaster.
You will have days where you can function and then the overwhelming days where getting out of bed is an impossibility.
You have to go with it.
Cry cry cry. Shout. You must tell people if you are ok or not.
@Wong i am so sorry you are not getting support from your manager.
Do not make yourself ill through work.
I had terrible insomnia. 48 hours of being wide awake, then would pass out from exhaustion and get about 4 hours?
Then wide awake for another 48 hours.
My sleep pattern has settled.
@Misty1972. Tomorrow will be a tough day.
We are all thinking of you.
I will be getting some of his ashes turned into jewellery, but cant decide what to get.
Tomorrow is Hubbys birthday.
He would have been 53.
His Mums birthday is 4 days later.
He died 6 days before my birthday and his birthday was 4 days before his Mums.
The whole they leave will never be filled, but it will get smaller.
I have another counselling session today.
Since i brought his ashes home, i have changed.
I feel much calmer.
He is in bed next to me.
I am going to put some of his ashes inside a teddy and them keep him forever. Spray it with some of his aftershave.
That way i can cuddle him.
I have good days and bad days.
No order. I just know when i open my eyes what i am in store for. Xxits a long road ahead, but if we walk a metre then its a metre towards peace.
Sending positive vibes, love and light.
Xxxxx
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Hi all,
@Bluecatmum77 I too chose the bed option for her ashes while she was here. Talked to her at bedtime and was comforted to have her close again.
But now she’s where she wanted to be and I’m ok with that.
@Misty1972 Can’t sugar coat it tomorrow will be agonisingly difficult.
But somehow something will kick in and get you through it .You’ve already said your own goodbye tomorrow’s for everyone else,that’s how I coped .
Take care all,
Mick xx
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so sorry for your loss i know how you feel as lost my wife recently
@mike338 Thanks . Yes widower, doesn’t have a nice ring to it does it .
We take each other for granted so much in life until this happens to us.
At 73 , it’s tough and some days you just don’t want to do it ,but there’s a huge amount of support here and we keep one another going and realise we’re not alone in our thoughts and feelings.
All our stories are different we just share the common factor that binds us …GREIF .
Take care ,keep talking
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@Bluecatmum77 @Mickp Thank you both. I’m terrified as it draws nearer but I will get through. I have to, to do him proud
I’ve got a memory bear on order from his clothes. Can’t wait to have a piece of him back x
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@Bluecatmum77. I can’t believe this is till going on. It’s so hard to cope with, whatever caused the death of a partner. You cannot judge, because you do not know, and now it is too late.
I was lucky in that I had time for a few conversations with my husband before he died.
He said, I can’t bear the thought of leaving you with a debt of £10,000. I replied, I don’t care about that, I only care about you.
I managed to get him home about 10 days later. By that time, he’d signed a DNR. I’d already organised a second opinion, and also my oncologist, who practises in Harley Street, had tried to do the same thing, but was fobbed off by the nurses on Ward 11 in HRI.
Right now, I have asked for an inquest, and asked HRI to help me with this. I have been fobbed off, but I have asked them to re-consider their decision.
I have a good firm of MN lawyers, who I have blind copied everything too.
The thing I might or might not do next, but which is inevitable, is the GMC. Because 3 doctors have not followed the rules of Good Medical Practice, which the GMC regulates, I want them to be stuck off or suspended for at least 18 months, which costs absolutely nothing, because, as a patient’s next of kin, when the patient is dead, the GMC MUST listen to me.
Good luck to all,
That is what I am doing right now.
Christie xxxxxxxxx
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I have ordered two Memory Cushions made from Venetia’s Joules tops. Hope they’ll be ready soon.
Sending you strength and hope xx
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@Mickp and @Misty1972
I never even realised you could get items made from their clothes!
I’ve seen a beautiful bear that i can have made from a few items of his clothes.
Thank you for sharing your choices. Xx
To all my precoous gang, it’s my last night with him and his whole ashes before I hand him back to his mum and dad later today.
Im keeping some though.
Just a small amount in a heart shaped tin that i bought him one Valentines to put his wedding ring in.
Angsty tonight. Know im not going to sleep well.
Big day today. Its his birthday. He wasnt born until 7.27am though, so not officially his birthday just yet.
5 major milestones without him to overcome in such a short space of time.
My birthday, chistmas, new year, Valentines and now his birthday. It is bloody hard.
I had my counselling today.
She is pleased with how far i have come, but knows im numb, but she knows im having positive thoughts and in a better place since he came home. X
My next session is in 3 weeks.
Who knows what i will be like then?
I just want to send hope to people.xx
Enjoy the numb days.
They are fabulous.
I am starting to see chinks of light coming through the black clouds.
Only tiny ones, but they are there.
It is still a long and bumpy road ahead for us all.
I feel guilty i havent bought him a card, but he will never open it.
So i have wished him a happy birthday already.
I know he can hear me.
I know he is with me.
Since i brought his ashes home, i have been enveloped with peace. Blissful peace.
An almost settled feeling.
He will always be my love and will always have my heart.
Then, when we finally meet again, he will grt the nagging of all naggings.
Stay strong my lovely friends. Xxxx
@Bluecatmum77 thinking of you as you go through another anniversary and the hand over to his Mum
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Morning All
I some how got through both my grand children’s 1st and 3rd birthdays this week watching them open presents Tim and I chose together broke me. I now am building up inside to his funeral tomorrow I don’t want to say goodbye it hurts so much, the pain in my heart, the lump in my throat and the knots in my stomach they haven’t left me once.
People keep saying it will get better but I can see no future without him, I’m eaten with guilt for things I feel I should of done different while he was in hospital and I couldn’t be with him when he needed me most.
Only you guys get how I feel the journey only we get to take , the journey no one wants and the pain that will not leave you alone.
Julie
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His funeral was yesterday
Today I feel empty. Alone and scared at the reality if a future without my best friend and soulmate. The missing him is all consuming
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@Misty1972 Know exactly what your going through.
It’s that feeling of finality and that’s it done and maybe nothing major to do now,just loose ends of red tape and paperwork.
We now have visualise if we can a way forward,easier said than done I know.
Take care x
@Bristles thank you. Just seen it.
@Mickp totally. Today feels so final and so empty. It’s like my soul has left my body. I know this is the start of a new journey. I know it’s one I don’t want to take but have no choice. He wanted me to lead a happy life so I’ll try to. I don’t know how to do that yet though
Thank you for the amazing support on this page. You’ve helped me through the worst 5 weeks of my life. Im forever appreciative of you guys 
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@Misty1972 for the day of the funeral, I was completely numb, but I do remember the emptiness of the following days. That empty feeling will ease, but give yourself time to come to terms with the what has happened over the last few weeks.
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