Anyone out there?

[Alston56]

Dear @Greencat1950 / Herb,
No way are you intruding, my friend, it’s always helpful to hear how others in similar circumstances are coping. It’s so easy to feel as though we’re going mad when we’re held prisoner by our feelings and thoughts. I don’t mean that in a negative sense, only that it’s impossible to control those thoughts and feelings.

It’s all those little things that get us - I can only think of the things I’ll/we’ll never do again. So many things in the kitchen that my wife would use that I unlikely will. Like you, I can gaze at some of her items for a few seconds and suddenly the tears will just start to well up, seems to be happening more often too, not less. (Just started again now too while writing this). I recognise your need to talk about your wife too, it was such a strong feeling when my wife passed away that I wanted to scream it from a mountain top. My wife was born with a disability which affected her ability to walk and she had a tough life growing up too, but she was the most amazing person I have ever known, and had a strength of character I simply don’t possess. I just thank god it wasn’t her who was left on her own.

You’re right about the house too. Used to be a home, but no more, it’s just house of bricks and mortar, full of emptiness, if that makes sense. I find myself wandering from room to room, and into the conservatory where the sun has been shining the last couple of days, and all I can think is that my wife should have been here with me, enjoying these things. Possessions mean nothing to me now - the pleasure of them came from sharing them with my wife, and that pleasure has gone. Her clothes and personal items, her craft projects (which she spent hours and hours on stitching) are important to me, because they represent her. But they’re a double-edged sword, need to keep them but they can be sad reminders.

My wife and I don’t have children, my wife had virtually no relatives (she was adopted), and my only relatives are my 97 year old parents, brother (+4 years on me) and his two married daughters, all living 160 miles from me. I have a handful of friends, but only a couple of them living locally. I feel incredibly isolated because my wife was my life blood, my reason for living. I cannot imagine ever feeling any different from how I feel now, I have a huge feeling of living on borrowed time (for other reasons) and I really, really do not want to be here. Like you, the only person I want is my wife, and that, I cannot have. I just drift through each and every long, lonely day, hoping to join her soon.

Keep talking about your wife, Herb, it helps to keep her alive in your heart and mind.

Take care,
Alston

[Wong]

@Greencat1950 and @Alston56, you have so described how I and many more must be feeling. Our dwellings are places to stay, but no longer feel like homes. Possessions that remind us of our happier times with our loved ones are precious, but others mean nothing.
I find I just feel exhausted all the time too. Keep trying to do things, but don’t really get pleasure from them anymore. I used to love gardening, but even that seems futile. We used to have dinner in the garden on warm evenings, and sit there talking about our days and putting the world to rights. Last year due to covid we were the only ones to appreciate the garden. So far this year I am the only one to see it. I really cannot see that I will be able to bear to sit out there in the warmer months eating alone.
I try and avoid seeing people too. At work I cannot avoid people, which can be difficult at times. They all ask if I am ok now, as if I have just experienced a bout of the common cold. I feel like shouting at them “you wait til it happens to you!” I don’t of course. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

[Julie16]

Me and you. Both . I miss him. So much I talk to him every day . Painful babe isn’t it ? I’ve been trying. To keep myself busy but still so empty. Inside and I bet that’s how your feeling too . My Colin’s funeral is Friday and I’m dreading the day as it will hit me then that’s he’s never coming back home . Do hope we get things out the way so we can remember our husbands as they were . Thinking of you x

[Mickp]

@Wong Know exactly what your all saying,our home is now just a house full of memories and nothingness.I’m in the process of selling up and buying a one bed flat. It will be mine and not ours and she will never have been there.
I’ve been in some dark places over the last three months and just know I can’t stay in that house and survive
I used to have a woodworking workshop as my retirement hobby,it’s now all gone,sold everything, no reason to go in there anymore, no incentive to make anything for the house.
My lifes changed forever I have to make another, quite how isn’t clear yet ,it’s that or perish.
Too much time alone and too many thoughts it’s a bad mix .
Stay strong all

[Julie16]

Thank you. Misty I’m having two necklaces made with my husbands ashes and the rest in his garden that he loved . I have got a plaque with some wording with his name out there too . There’s never going to be another man in my life my col was a one off x

[Bluecatmum77]

Hi gang. Xx
It’s 15 weeks today since i lost Hubby.
Thank God the sun has been shining.
I hate Sundays.
Today, I made myself go in the garden and continue painting the fence.
Have painted them a completely different colour.
I am feeling so lost without him and being in the garden is SO hard because he was always sat out there. Rain or shine.
I need to fall in love with the garden again, so i am changing things around.
The part of the decking where i found him slumped over has been completely removed.
I just couldnt look outside the window, let alone go in the garden.

It is the first Sunday that I have actually done something productive with the day.
My heart is still completely broken, but keeping busy has helped my mind focus on something other than utter sadness.

Back at work tomorrow after a much needed week off.
Insomnia is coming back again.
Didnt sleep at all Thursday night.
Changed the bed today and it breaks my heart putting his pillows back on the bed knowing he will never sleep on them again.

It is still so overwhelming, but i haven’t cried for a couple of days.
So that’s promising.
Ive had a fairly good week.
I just hope my positive-ish post sends a bit of hope to those who can barely open their eyes.
The first few weeks were a complete blur.
I cannot remember much.
Im glad. Because it was a horrific time and i dont want to.

We are all here for each other.
Those who are reading and havent yet posted, just know that all our experiences are different, but we are all going through the same rollercoaster.at different speeds.
No right or wrong way to grieve for someone you love.

Stay strong, sending love, strength and sleep.xxx

[Mickp]

@Bluecatmum77 I still put her PJ’s under her pillow when I make the bed .
I went to see her as usual today and spent time with her and talked.
Next Sunday (‘kin hate Sunday’s) it’s our anniversary 29 years Dreading it .
Have a better week all.
Xx

[Amylost]

Hello everyone
I lost my Martin13th January to covid, he was 56. I’m finding im struggling. I stay in bed until midday then spend the rest of the day on the couch, staring at the TV i cry, feel really low and feel what is the point in my life.
I have housework/irioning i could do but I cannot be bothered. My Martin was my life, just him and me, we have 3 boys but they sit in their room, cone out to eat and try to talk to me but I’m so low I can’t be bothered to talk.
I wish I was with Martin, I can’t believe I’ll never see him again . I’m so sad.
Hugs to you all
Amy

[Mickp]

@Amylost I too lost my wife of 33 years to Covid it’s a real struggle trying to make sense of anything at this point. Many of us here know exactly where your at in this process,all of us share GREIF regardless of how our loved ones left us.
Share you feelings and thoughts here and you’ll find as I have and do that your not alone it really does help.
We’re all here for you and each other.
Xx

[AnnR]

Dear Amy,
I was so sad reading your post. One thing that occurred to me was, please do try to talk to your boys. They are suffering too. Maybe not the same as you, but suffering for the Dad they have lost.
Don’t push them away. You will be glad of them later, and they need you now.
Sorry if this annoys you, but I send it with the best intentions.
I lost my husband, so I do know what you are going through. It is hell on earth, and I agree, it’s hard to speak to others, even family we love, but losing them would be horrendous too.
I wish you peace. Hugs, Ann x

[Julie16]

I know babe I feel exactly the same lost mine Friday 19th feb. You feel numb don’t you sad , talk to him , get angry. I’ve been doing all these things xx

[Misty1972]

I lost John aged 53 on 19th Jan to Covid
No children and my family are 40 miles away
Each day I get up
Each day I try to keep busy
Each day I force myself to eat
Each day I cry
Each day I miss him
Each day I carry on and hope one day it will get better

I know John adored me and wouldn’t want me ill or living a life of misery. It will never be the same but one day it will be something I hope

X

[Quarterman]

I lost Tim on 3rd Feb and his funeral was last Friday we used to love Fridays finishing work and the whole weekend together. Nothing has changed since the funeral I am distraught sob till my eyes are red raw, the pain in heart, the lump in my throat and knots in my stomach are still here breaking me down every day. My daughter has taken my wedding dress to her house I just couldn’t bear it being here any more.
It makes me feel so sad you are all hurting like me but I thought I was going mad as no one had ever told me grief hurt like this so at least I know I’m not alone in this misery.
I don’t want to leave the house, we worked together also to create a lovely garden would eat and share a glass a wine each evening, I would rather keep the curtains closed it hurts so much to look out there.

Love to you all,

Julie

[Bluecatmum77]

Good morning gang. Xx
Had a very confused and vivid dream last night.
Hubby was in it, but cant remember the content. Feeling p*ssed off.
@Amylost. We are all so sosorry for your loss.
We all know what you are going through.
I have found it a huge help coming on here and sharing my bad days and good days, because i promise you, you will get them.
I dont have children, but you do need to talk together.
I know it will be heart wreching, but your world has been turned upside down and you all need to talk and get through it together.
I lost hubby 15th Nov. My washing pile is ridiculous. Dont worry about things like that.
The main thing is you need to sleep when you want to. Cry when you need to.
You must eat because this is the most draining thing and you need energy.
Even a piece of toast or some soup is better than nothing.
The best thing you could have done is reach out on here.
We all know what the other is going through.
There are so many people on here that i could tag who have sent me wonderful messages of support, strength and most importantly recognition to what i am feeling.
Grief. It unites us all on here.
Be kind to yourself.
Sending love, light and strength to all. Xxxx

[Amylost]

Thank you for all your messages, you are lovely friendly people and J feel reassured by your understanding and warmth.
My eldest is upset as he misses my crazy ways, I was always laughing before Marti passed away. My middle son talks to me about his Dad, how frustrated he feels knowing his Dad kept going to the supermarkets when he should of stayed in, he said he might as well ignored the NHS letter he got saying he was clinically vulnerable, my youngest started to talk about the boxing coming up to me and then said, ‘sorry mum, didn’t want to remind you as I know Dad liked boxing’
Knowing we all on this forum have a rollercoaster of emotions is comforting as I feel like I am going mad, some days I panic.
We was just beginning to design our garden, I have no flowers out there at the moment, I will find it hard to do on my own. My youngest has offered to help me though.
I’m just getting out of bed, feel so low, another tough day of emotions that are overwhelming to deal with.
Sending you all a hug.
Amy x

[Wong]

@Amylost please make sure you eat. You probably have little appetite, but you need to eat regularly even if it is a little. I didn’t eat in the early stages (it wasn’t a conscious decision, I just lacked appetite and felt nauseous all the time). I live alone now and need to work to keep a roof over my head. I have done irreversible health damage to myself from the not eating. My partner, who always looked after me so well, would have been cross at me. Luckily self preservation came in and I had the sense to seek medical help, before things got too bad. I now eat small amounts regularly, and take multivitamin and iron tablets.

[Mickp]

As I have told some of you here,I’m in the process of selling up and downsizing to one bed flat nearer to family .
The Hospice that cared for her daughter eight years ago had agreed to take her clothes etc. prior to reopening their shops in April So today by arrangement I took them in, boxed and labelled.it was bad enough packing her things up but handing them over has left me very upset again and feeling terribly guilty,like I’ve thrown her out and tried to eradicate her memory.Nothing of course could be further from the truth.
I cried as I handed the boxes over, the staff we very caring and assured me they were desperate for donations and support .
I know it’s what she would have wanted me to do , but so,so,hard to do.
So I add this crap experience to the long list of other crap things that have had to be done.
Take care everyone

[Misty1972]

@Mickp Wish we could take away your pain. I have yet to go through this. Deep down we know their clothes are not them and they live on in our hearts, memories and grief but it’s so tough. I threw away his old glasses today and sobbed. They were from the pound shop? My brain told me why keep them, my heart said because he wore them. You have done an amazing thing today and your wife would be proud of you. Take care

[Bluecatmum77]

@Mickp and gang.
It is awful throwing away their things.
It so hard.
I felt so guilty for throwing away his old socks and underwear.
I haven’t touched his wardrobe yet.
My next door neighbour lost hi wife last August.
He has donated the last of her clothes last week to charity. Still new with labels in.
He said i cant open the wardrobe any more and se her clothes. Its too hard.
Shes gone.
He still has bad days, but mostly good now.
He doesnt have any of her ashes.
Some of Hubbys are on the bed next to me.
We all grieve differently.
But one thing we all have in common is the overwhelming loss.
Stay strong people.
Lots of love. Xx

[Misty1972]

My mother in law still has every item belonging to her husband who passed in 2003. She bitterly regrets leaving it so long that it became too late. I’m conscious that I will do John’s when it feels right but not leaving it so that it becomes an even bigger hurdle for me to overcome. It is only now that she has lost her only child that she wants to clear out her husband’s things. I will help and support her, as John would have wanted