Anyone out there?

[Christie]

Hi @Bluecatmum77

I can’t believe we are still here, after so many posts, back at square 1.

I was talking to a newsagent in the town closest to my village about the National Lottery, I was getting very annoyed at being stuck behind a woman or man in a queue at a supermarket or wherever buying load of scratch cards and then checking them out, one by one, to see if they have won anything.

Personally, I think Camelot should be banned. It encourages people to gamble, which is always a losers game, unless you really know how to play poker or something like that. My husband and I played a card game, Bridge, he was ACOL, I was SAYC - 2 different systems, one UK based, one USA based. We played online and like everyone else, we cheated.

Gambling is an addiction and should be treated as that. I remember sitting with my mum when Andrea whoever announced the winner. It was never us. Today I cashed in 2 Euromillions tickets, which cost £15, to get £ 2.75.

So that’s it. I will never buy them again, except as my friend Sheena suggested: at Christmas, when you are hosting dinner, instead of a cracker, which frightens my dogs, you buy everyone a scratch card, and that’s that.

We are sisters in grief, we feel together. There are too many maybe’s, could I, why didn’t he, whatever. Too many questions to which we will never know the answer. I am just so sorry, my friend, that we are both here. There are just too many questions that we will never know the answer to. Love Christie xxx

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[EllaRobb]

I will probably think about a photo wall myself - good idea. Hope you are feeling ok today.

[Bluecatmum77]

Hi gang. Xx
Well, just this minute have put one of those charity bags full of his new hardly worn clothes and shoes out for collection.
Its so hard. Somebodys life. Just in a bag.
It was hard enough clearing Dads flat when he passed away. Hubby was there that day.
Big strapping lad shifting stuff.
Now its my turn again, only this time to "shift"his.
The man i thought i was going to grow old with.
My best friend.
Gah, this is such a hard time.
There is no way i could have done this 3 months ago.
I kept his dirty laundry in the basket for days because i couldnt bring myself to wash his smell away.
I didnt change my bed for weeks after he passed because i needed to smell his pillow.
I slept on his side for days afterwards to feel closer to him.
It is getting bearable to the point where i can see some form of light ahead.
There is some form of a future.
Taking each day as it comes though.
I am numb, so i can do certain things.
I know the numb will wear off and the floodgates will open and i will be submerged in the depths of grief again, but for now, i have some kind of inner peace.
Sending hope, love, light and strength to you all. Xxxx

[EllaRobb]

I do some of the same things.
Her hospital bed was taken away today. I kept the pillow she was laying on when she passed. The smell is so comforting. I lay on the hospital bed sometimes. Even just seeing awful things like aids she were given, taken away, make me sad. Any kind of attachment.

I’ve started wearing a lot of her clothes but made sure I’ve some left that I don’t wear to keep her scent.

I am glad you are feeling some sense of better even if it will never go away.

[Greencat1950]

Thank you Alston and friends, Thank you for understanding my plight or better yet sorrow. I went to a family get together yesterday. Family and a few friends — all they wanted to talk about was their jobs, finances, insurance etc. I sat alone and quiet - seemed nobody was interested in me or what I had to say. If someone of them had asked me “how are you holding up Herb or how long has it been since your wife died?” It might have made this visit a little worthwhile. I went thru this before - I don’t know why I keep going thru this - it doesn’t seem to help me at all. My ex-wife’s boyfriend got a bit disturbed with me – almost thought we would have a family argument - you see, I don’t seem to “fit in” anymore at these get togethers. I went home feeling very depressed. (They don’t seem to understand me anymore. I feel so out of place now. I try to be polite and friendly but it seems to backfire on me as I get the feeling I’m a nusence now. I went home wishing I would go to sleep and not wake up. I guess I’m going to limit my time with family and friends, as each time it turns out this way. Like you I feel so lost at times, even in the house my wife and I once lived in - it’s not the same anymore - I sometimes call out her name hoping she hears me where ever she may be. I look at her belongings and paintings and wish she was still here. I can’t say it any better than this - I miss her so much!
Herb

[Mickp]

@Bluecatmum77 and friends.
It’s now a couple of days since taking most of my wife’s clothes to her chosen Charity.
The feeling of guilt has subsided now and I had a nice email from them thanking me for everything,so that helped.
Wether I’ll ever get used to opening a wardrobe only to see my stuff hanging there is another matter.
Even in early 70’s I still feel robbed.
We too were going to grow old together, shout at one another when we were deaf, help each other get through every day whatever it took.
People said we were a “young” couple as we embraced most aspects of modern life.
Now that’s all gone, and I rattle around in this house,which I used to call home .
As others of you say at 3 months plus and the support drops off,and only a few now keep in touch ,some I didn’t expect and the ones I thought would,vanished ,as the say you find out who your friends are.
Still,I don’t want to be the “elephant in the room “ so slowly,reluctantly, you accept that other cliche “life goes on “ and you’ll never forget but a bit of you wants to make sure they don’t either.
Psyching myself up for Sunday Bloody Sunday our 29th wedding anniversary.Having a wreath made and photo laminated to put on it.
I know I’ll be a wreck and just want to be on my own that day.
I will always feel robbed by Covid

[Bluecatmum77]

Morning gang. Xx
@Greencat1950 i know EXACTLY where you are coming from.
My messages of support have vanished.
My phone calls of support have stopped.
Only a handful of genuine friends in contact now.
People get on with their lives.
We get left behind.
Its NOW that we really need a shoulder to cry on.
I think people feel we are a stuck record. That we should have "got over it"by now.
This is why i come on here.
You have all given me so much support.
Somebody sharing their worst days helps me identify with the emotions and say yes, thats me. Or yes that was me. Reassures me that im not going mad.
All we can do, is live each day as it comes.
Dont fight the bad days. MAKE yourself think about the worst moments.
Counsellor said to me that is the best thjng i can do because it will help my brain park amd store the situation.
So when i get a flashback of finding him, i think about it. It hurts like hell. I get the awful pangs.
As im typing now, i am making myself think about finding him. Doing the CPR.
I have awful stabbing pain in my stomach, but i am not running away from this.
I am going to fight through, but i know that this is a life changing trauma and if people expect me to be “Ok” then they were never really a friend at all.
Dont be surprised if people ignore you or pretend they havent seen you when you are out.
Dont be surprised if a friends partner becomes funny with you for talking to their other half.
Im REALLY struggling with seeing couples together. Im Jealous. Yes, i said it. Im jealous. They have what i no longer have.
Jealous of family and friends who still have their partners.
If that sounds selfish, then so be it.
I am open amd honest and everything i say on here is to share so that someone else reads and thinks, so its not just me that feels this way!
If the road to recovery is the yellow brick road, i dont think ive left Kansas yet…
Sending love, hope and strength. Xxxx

[Bluecatmum77]

@Mickp
You and i both share a hatred of Sundays.
We will all be thinking of you, you know that. Xx
You will just have to get through the day in your own way.
If you want to be alone, then so be it.
People have to respect your wishes.
You know whenever you post on here, we will respond.
Ill keep my eyes open for your posts.
That goes to anyone.
Im not very good at using this site to private message, so those that have made that special effort i am very touched.
Ive still got the inquest hanging over me.
That isnt until the 4th June.
Thats why i havent put our picture on yet as its still under the Coroner.
But i will post one eventually. Xx
Sending everyone hugs. A hug so strong it squeezes you and takes your breath away.
Xxxxx

[Mickp]

@Bluecatmum77
I can relate so well to the jealousy of seeing other couples,and just think how lucky they are.And will I ever experience all those feelings and emotions again.
I’ll never feel the warmth,touch,feel,smell,tenderness or even intimacy of her. Very hard to come to terms with.
Yesterday only spoke to one person A lady on the phone to sort out removing my wife from Car insurance she was nice and sympathetic but still charged me £20 admin fee for the privilege.

[Mickp]

Thanks x

[Misty1972]

@Mickp I know exactly how you feel about feeling robbed. 70’s is no age now days. I’m 48 and John was 53. I thought of another 40 years without him devastates but also terrifies me. Such a lonely existence especially when support eventually dwindles

@Bluecatmum77 this is my biggest fear. Everyone moving on. I’ll become some old lady smelling of cats and never going out No seriously, it scares me. A lifetime to be alone without my love

[Bluecatmum77]

@Misty1972
I probably already smell of cats.
This is my 2nd time of living alone.
My 1st marriage ended in Divorce when i was 32.
My 2nd marriage was for me, my forever.
I am so angry and upset that im on my own AGAIN.
The living alone i have adjusted to because ive done it once before. Its tough at first, but you do get used to it.
This grief sh*t, is something else.
The trauma is something else.
I never expected to be Divorced AND Widowed by 42.
I really loved him. I still love him.
The circumstances of how we parted will haunt me forever.
He took his own life and that in itself throws up a whole ramge of emotiins where i constantly question what i could have done differently.
My counsellor has said, that her experience has taught her that there was nothing more i could have done and that once someone has made that decision, they are too far gone to help or save.
Doesnt stop me feeling like the worst Wife in the world.
Xxx

[EllaRobb]

@Misty1972
No matter how our wonderful partners died, we’ll all feel some level of guilt for what we didn’t do. I’d say the more love somebody the more guilt you probably feel.

In my partner’s last week I was caring for her full-time and I’ll always worry about whether she knew I was doing my best, whether I was too overbearing.

I also feel that we could have had so much more. She was 47 and I approaching 40. We were together nearly 4 years and although shorter than we’d have liked, we really were each others life love, going on lots of adventures and enjoying the simplest if things such as just lying in in the mornings with breakfast and the dogs.
So although I and you have your life ahead of you, it’s incredibly difficult to think of doing anything different to what we have known. I’m trying to keep the routines we had and know I’ll be stagnant for a while to come.

[Wendy75]

Hi
You must be going through hell . Suicide is very hard to deal with. I had a brother in law that took his own life, a friend at playgroup and also a friends brother. So sorry you have to go through this. I too am jealous when I see couples together and struggled on Saturday when my neighbours were chatting and laughing in there garden. Will we always be this way ? I hope not. Sending love to you x

[Misty1972]

@Bluecatmum77 Same as you, I lived alone after a aplit from a previous partner. Different this time. like you, John was my forever. How you begin to cope re suicude I cannot begin to imagine but the counsellor is right, you did what you could. When someone gets to that point, nothing will deter them

@EllaRobb the length of time matters not, its the quality and depth of love. I was lucky to have nearly 20 years but Im greedy. I want more. I did something normal Monday, I volunteer at an animal rescue, it broke me. My brain and heart were conflicting. How can i do something normal when my life will never be normal.

You guys are my rock. So open and honest

[EllaRobb]

@Bluecatmum77 I apologise I meant to tag you as well as @Misty1972 earlier. That message was for you too.

That’s great you volunteer @Misty1972. I will try to think that whenever I’m doing something my partner would be proud of that carries me through. So that should be in your mind. It feels so odd to carry on with normal so I’m trying to think all the time what Christine my partner would think and feel watching me or even being there with me. That said, it’s easier said than done when all I’ve done is go for occasional walks and to the shop.

[Misty1972]

@EllaRobb so true. I try to focus on how proud he would be. Sometimes it works, sometimes it feels me with emptiness. Hopefully the better days will win
It’s hard isn’t it. We can only do so much. My life is pretty much the same. I feel like Forrest Gump with all my walking. This week was my 1st time back volunteering. Hopefully it will get easier in time. Im unsure if lockdown helps me hide ir if I need it to lift gradually and start to live, allbeit a different life. We can do this x

[Quarterman]

I’m really struggling every day , I miss my Tim so very much the days are long and the nights longer.
Four weeks today I’m broken just broken.

[Jean2]

Hello @Quarterman. So sorry to hear that you are struggling. This must be so hard for you and it is very early days yet. Yes - the days and nights are long and we often wonder how we will carry on in this frame of mind. We can only take one hour at a time at this stage. Lockdown isn’t helping either as we tend to focus on the gap in our life because we can’t fill it with much else at the moment. Please keep posting here as you will find a lot of people who really understand your pain and we all suppport each other.
Love and light. x

[Misty1972]

@Quarterman @Jean2 is right. I’m only 2 weeks ahead of you. Im existing (breathing, eating just) but not living. We’ve all got each other here, people who understand. Keep posting x