Thanks 
I do find my mood changing so rapidly. Sometimes I dont fancy chatting on here, I dont talk to anybody at the moment but randomly had a good chat with a colleague at work. I dobt even recognise me at the moment Iām so unpredictable, but I am trying to embrace the good days. The days I feel Christine is in my blood and living with me.
@Merrin, Iām not sure it was a bad choice of words at all, and what you experience might be very different to what I am going through. But yes, I think you can slowly expect to see a bigger gap between the really bad days. And there will be a day when you actually laugh and then immediately feel guilty for doing so
@EllaRobb Same. I feel like Iām an empty shell at times. I donāt recognize myself in the mirror. I can be fine one minute, in bits the next. They are with us, willing us on. We will get through this, keep her love driving you on each day
Dear Mick
I am the same. My husband loved all those programmes - as well as motorbike shows and races and I had to go through his recordings on the TV to cancel them.
The Great North Air Ambulance did attend the scene when my husband died. Instead of flowers we asked people to donate to GNAA in his memory. When the lockdown is over I have arranged to visit the GNAA base and meet the team who tried to save my husband to thank them for their efforts.
Wedding anniversary tomorrow to get through. I just want the world to stop so that I can get off this horrible journey.
Sheila
Hello @Sheila26. I just want to let you know that I will be thinking of you tomorrow for your wedding anniversary. All these special dates are hard to face but we must face them in our loved oneās honour. Wanting to thank the people at GNNA base shows that you are living from gratitude and that will also help your frame of mind in the long run. We must try and put some kindness out into the world while we still can. I try to do it for my husband Mike as he was the kindest man I ever knew.
Thinking of you Sheila. Love & Light.x
Dear Jean2
Thank you. Just trying to summons up the courage to get our wedding photos down from the wardrobe. The response from family and friends was wonderful and raised over Ā£2,000, although one of my husbandās brothers did not want to contribute instead buying flowers. His choice but as my husband was cremated I personally felt it was pointless. He and his family have hardly been in touch since and their random texts are only to tell me why they are unable to get in contact.
I am sorry that you too lost your husband, Mike. It is extremely difficult to lose someone who has been part of our lives for so long. We go from being a successful team to just an individual trying to find their way and that is so difficult to deal with.
Take care.
@Sheila26 Hello Shelia, Itās life changing the things we used to enjoy watching together and now canāt bear to watch. The news is another because mostly itās Covid Covid Covid , I accept itās still going on and people need to be informed but it changed my life behind compression.
I admire you wanting to visit the air ambulance I think thatās a really nice and brave thing to do.
I am beginning to try and look forward and have applied to a charity to work as a volunteer in a shop when they reopen.
Iām inspired by the book Iām reading which talks about having a reason to get up in the morning and a purpose in my new life.
Sadly it is a new life we all have to adapt to .
Wishing you a peaceful weekend.
Mick
I was speaking to someone today that said something similar, about learning to block it out. In time I think that is a good idea, maybe a way of getting a handle on things, yet not block things out entirely.
At this early stage it feels I am unable to ever feel happy again. But reading posts like yours bring comfort and hope, thank you.
Merrin x
@Sheila26 I spent our wedding anniversary in the graveyard,it was a sunny day I laid more flowers, and talked to her.Surprisingly I was very calm and felt close to her. The next day I admit was awful.
Iāve got an app on the phone now that scans photographs and stores the pictures on the phone. So Iāve now got our best wedding shots digitally stored and can share them.Iāve used one here.
Thinking of you xx
Hi gang. Xxxxx
Puddy tat on the mend.
@RichardM. Thank younfor your lovely mesage. Yes, you are right. Making tough decisions on my own again.
I hate it.
There, i said it. I HATE being on my own.
I have cried a lot last few days.
Havent even come to terms with losing my Hubby, and being faced with losing one of my fur babies was almost tipping me over.
My friend sent me a couple of videos that came up on her timeline. We were in the pub.
We were celebrating Man City winning FA CUP.
He was chanting and got the whole pub chanting.
It was wonderful to see him. Hear him.
I didnt feel sad. I just felt proud.
There was a clip of me in the video and I simply do not recognise the woman in the video.
I am a shadow of my former self.
Blonde. Glamourousā¦not anymore.
I am just existing.
I dont do make up any more.
I live in my scruffs.
I have spent most of today in bed with my cats.
Now drinking proseccco.
Havent drank for a couple of days because i have been watching little man like a hawk.
Burnt out in every way, but still goingā¦
Sending love, light and strenth.
@Bluecatmum77 glad puddycat on the mend
I know exactly what you mean. Friend commented tonight on an old photo. Hoped to see my smile again. That smile is gone forever. It saddened me to think Iāll never smile like that again. Like you, i exist
Cheers. Mine is a glass of red x
@Merrin Iāve been reading up on what our brains do in the early stages of grief. If you shut down or disappear into numbness donāt worry let it happen until you find your ready to move forward a bit. Thereās no timescale, were all different,it takes as long as it takes.
We may think or even talk about death but our brain doesnāt allow us to imagine this scenario or plan for it ,so when unfortunately it happens we shut it out until weāve figured a way to cope.
The fog will clear,the light will come again one day.
Take care x
@Bluecatmum77 hey if youāve got the bottle open, it would be a pity not to share it, any chance of a glass over here?
Very pleased that your cat is on the mend and you are still functioning
I do miss my team mateā¦
I too found the most comfort from being at Christineās grave. Feel most at peace there. I do however feel the most awful in the day afterwards. Itās like you cant have the comfort without dealing with the awfulness afterwards.
Sounds like Friday night session Iām on the scotch 
Hereās to sleep tonight
Xx all
Hi gang. Xxxx
Cheers. 
Keep going. We can and will do this. Xxxx
@Mickp enjoy and sleep tight.
@RichardM, ill send you a virtual bottle 
Sleep is the best.
Xxxx
@Bluecatmum77 a virtual bottle is an excellent idea, I should have a clear head in the morning. Wishing you all restful night
Thank you. I like the idea of moving forward a bit.
It would be interesting to learn a bit about how our brains deal with it. Sometimes I made myself think of Paul if I havenāt for a while as have noticed if I donāt in some days then I dream of him at night. I find those dreams particularly distressing when I wake up.
Hopefully that will change over time as well.
Thinking of you all.
Merrin x