My Covid-jab was brought forward to yesterday and knew I had to take the opportunity but had a reaction and poorly most of the night. Have just managed to get up in the last hour. So all the plans I had for today out the window. I had got out wedding photos last night, have just sat and cried the whole time. My phone is ancient but think our son is buying me a new one so will try the app. Will go and do the things I had planned for our anniversary another day.
Just need to try and get through the rest of today somehow.
@Sheila26 Sorry to hear about Covid jab reaction I had similar (Ox Zeneca)
Today I went to a garden centre to look for an oblong planter for Venetiaās grave I found one ok but all I could see were couples together going around choosing plants and deciding things to buy . Spent the rest of the day feeling sad and tearful, stupid things set you off just when you donāt expect it.
Hope you feel better soon anniversaries are never easy.
Take care xx
Hi gang. Xx @Mickp. Sundayā¦gah.
I know today will be a tough one for people as its Mothers Day. Mine doesnt want to know me.
I have sent my Mother in Law and my Aunt flowers.
I know today is going to be hard for my Mother in Law. She is so lovely.
My friend lost her Mum Christmas Day. Shes really struggling without her.
Im pleasantly numb again. Its great.
Threw a few of his old work clothes away and out some of my clothes in the space in his wardrobe. That was hard.
There were a few items that i couldnt part with.
Silly, i felt overwhelmed with them in my hamds, so folded them up and put the back.
But little steps.
It will take forever to get over this, if i ever will.
But today i am ok as ok goes.
Sending love, light, hope and strength.
Xxxxx
Love, light and peace to you all.
I am going through an āokā phase right now but Iām wanting to make myself sad because it doesnt feel right to be ok.
I was even looking at ways to connect to like minded people online as I dont have any friends here in Scotland. But part of my brain is saying āwhy are you even contemplating this right now?ā
So Iām really torn between sadness and feeling like I act like nothing has happened sometimes. Itās a proper mind bender. Even if I think about Christine every single second.
Very much two people at the minute. Maybe because Iām a Gemini. Feeling pretty heartless and a bit disrespectful.
Take it easy this Motherās Day. You are all doing your best x
I feel the same . You almost feel guilty on a normal
Day but pleased at the same time because it gives you a break from grieving but you can be lead into a false sense of security . Iāve been having a few good days now but worried it will hit me even harder when you have a bad day again . It certainly is mind blowing .
Itās okā¦ Ok to have reasonable days ā¦
Itās odd though x Iām shattered today and. Feel that odd kind of where am I gonna go with this x Am I going to socialise without him? Am I really expected to carry on without him x Grief certainly blows the mind into smithereens does it not? Love to all x
I missed Tim so much today, we have four children between us they all came to see me with cards, no flowers I couldnāt bear any ( normally love flowers).
We tried to keep to social distancing outside but I got very upset I donāt like my life without him in it.
I screamed round the house calling his name begging him to come home ( I sound like a mad women now) why did this happen I loved my life, I was getting married in June I literally had the perfect life.
This is relentless and painful.
But another week I survived without him I donāt like it I donāt want it but what else can I do,
I have drafted so many replies but in reality do not know what to say. I cannot explain why we have been dealt this devastating blow when we had so much to look forward to. I do know that none of us deserve this agonising pain.
I do know that you are definitely not mad, if you are then so am I. After six months I still scream my husbandās name - sometimes in the house, sometimes it hits me as I am driving and have to pull in. I just so desperately miss him. I miss his assuring glance, smile and hugs. He was my everything. I cannot believe that 12 months ago we were celebrating our little grandson coming home, making plans and now my husband has gone.
I find it hard to say I go on because my husband would have wanted me to, because he died engaging in a hobby which I wanted him to give up. I keep going simply because the kids could not stand the pain of another loss.
Thinking of everyone who finds themselves on this painful path. Take care.
Sheila
Mothers day, my wife would always go to her grandmotherās grave.,her mothers grave and my mother at the crematorium, it what she did and myself at times, it was so hard I got to the crematorium, the last time I was there I was saying goodbye to my wife, I broke down, I was in pieces a lady came over and I talked to her which helped. Still waiting for a phone call off my children but none as yet, there life is thereās there pain to loose there mum but dad has to be OK he is not.
Life now is thing that I have to do but there is no pleasure in it
One day at a time. X
Life is so unbearable. Our wedding anniversary yesterday. Did not get to do the things I wanted to do but will in time. Visited my mother who lives close-by but I do not see her often as she is in a bubble with my brother. She was on auto-pilot and gave me the monetary gift she always gave me and husband. It broke my heart. Will donate to Marie Curie as me and husband always did.
Spent time today with my grandson and he does give me pleasure. But now back at home all alone, like most evenings. I donāt want to think how long I have to suffer this lonely life.
Hi gang.xx
Sounds like its been an incredibly tough day for all of us.
I hate Sundays.
17 weeks today since i lost him. Feeling low tonight.
Spoke to my sister earlier.
Went back to bed this afternoon and dreamt about him. He told me he was going a walk. I dreamt i was searching for him running across sandy paths.
Then wondering if he had gone off to take his own life.
Woke up and realised he is dead.
I too used to scream at him in the house. Why have you left me? Please just come and get me and out me out of my misery.
I still always talk to him.
If im doing something wrong, i hear his voice saying why did you do it like that and I always reply out loud to him.
Am I going mad? I dont know.
The weather has been atrocious this weekend, so not been able to go in the garden.
Had no motivation to do anything.
Havent even put the washer on.
Sundays always affect me. I hate them.
This time 17 weeks ago, i was surrounded by people. My phone was ringing.
Now sat here alone in total silence.
Everyone gets on with their lives. Everything gets back to ānormalā.
I dont think my life will ever feel normal again.
However, i do know that we mustnt chastise ourselves.
Ive had a slobby day. I dont care.
We all know how terrible this situation is.
We all get through each day as we can and thatvis all we xan do.
We come on here and share our bad days and the better ( if you can call them that) days. The days where we actually have the energy to face the day. To put the washer in. To go food shopping.
Menial tasks to others, but for us, we feel so proud of ourselves. So we should.
@Quarterman x So sorry you are feeling so distressed. Again I feel lucky as we married in August 2020 with no idea what was around the corner, he was gone 10.5 weeks later. Itās been such a comfort to me that we did marry and Iām so distressed for you x This is all so very sad and I hope you can just keep taking those steps forward x x You can ā¦ but yes itās so so hard for you x
Hello friends,
Itās at typical Sunday evening here lots going on and many differing emotions about today.
I hate Sundayās as @Bluecatmum77 . Sadly Venetia and I had no children as she and been sterilised before we were an item . But she had three daughters from her previous marriage.One had nothing to do with her for 33 years,another died from breast cancer in 2013 so Motherās Day for her was always tinged with sadness. So in normal times I would always take her out for the day .
Today for me therefore was a day of reflection as I sat with her in the Church Yard thinking about what might have been if they were all still here for her. And secretly hoping the one that disowned her has a miserable life with a painful end .
But I feel for all of you wether your mothers,step mothers, or hoping to be mothers etc.
Today is another day in the year calendar that we have to endure somehow with all the birthdays,and anniversaries.
Hope you all have reasonable week ahead , if itās not then shout out weāre all here listening and ready to support each other through this living hell.
Mick xx
My sister rang me last night she said you wonāt feel any better if you carry on thinking bad negative thoughts I tried to explain how I feel but she said there is always a positive āheās not suffering anymore ā thereās your positive.
I am so upset by this I know she didnāt mean to upset me but because I am in such a bad place family and friends are getting fed up with me, which is adding to my anxiety and upsetting me.
I have a phone consultation with TalkSpace this morning to see if I can get support from them.
Virtual hugs to you all at the start of another week,
@Bluecatmum77 sadly people arenāt equipped to know what to say. I was read the top 8 things but to say last night
"8 things you should never say to a widow or widower
āTime healsā āThis is a common clanger!ā ā¦
āIt could be worseā¦ā ā¦
" You 're still young - youāll meet someone new" ā¦
"Oh you 're still sad? ā¦
āI know just how you feel. ā¦
āHeās in a better placeā ā¦
āNow that youāre back on the market againā¦ā ā¦
" Youāre not aloneā
People mean well but their words hurt. If they are trye friends, they wonāt get fed up with you. This is massive for us
Hopefully some support will help but in the meantime you are stuck with us
Hi gang. Xx @Misty1972 thank you.xxxx @Quarterman. I get you. WE get you.
There is nothing wrong with speaking out.
Never ever feel like are getting tired of you.
You have GOT to keep talking and sharing how you feel.
I too, have had dark thoughts.
I too have had what i felt were judgemental and unsympathetic texts.
Yes, I know my Hubby wasnt a saint. Things have come to light since he passed, BUT that doesnt stop me loving him.
I know he was mentally unwell but he hid it extremely well.
I cant just turn off my emotions and dust my hands off and say well thats that.
People can be stupid and insensitive when they think they are trying to be helpful.
Tossed and turned all night.
Sleep pattern up the wall again.
I have my counselling this afternoon.
I need it.
This isnt a break up/Divorce.
This is grief.
It will happen to them one day and their world will fall apart and be stood with the fragments of their former life in their hands.
We will be there for them.
Just like we are all here for each other.
We all need to give ourselves a break.
We got through another week together.
What I have learnt from grief made me realise you never understand until you lose someone you really love. I sent messages of apology to a few friends who had lost a parent in the past. I said that I now understood and I was sorry I probably wasnt as supportive as I could have been.
We can gently let people know what we need but unfortunately theyāll never understand. Unfortunately itās a thing we need to bear, knowing that at least they are trying. They can be there for other things but I think the real emotional strength and recovery is in places like here and taking charge of our wellbeing.
@Quarterman Julie, I think they call it though love. When things are said that are meant to kick start you into a different way of thinkingā¦
These people wether be friends or family probably mean well . I have a good friend heart of gold but sheāll always wants to put a positive spin on every situation and sometimes I wish sheād just shut up ! .
Weāll all move on from this hell as and when were ready,
Thereās no set timescale to grief and sadly only we know how it feels,a few we know may have suffered loss like ours ? and theyāll be the ones with more empathy for our situation.
Take your time,do things at your pace ,and if some are getting frustrated with you then basically ignore them.
Iāve said before here,Iāve been pleasantly surprised by some and feel let down by others.
Hope your week improves.
Mick xx
Well after saying I felt bad for having some good days, week 5 has bit me on the ass and I feel AWFUL. I could not miss Christine more. Crying buckets. Looking back on her distressing few weeks. So painful.
