@EllaRobb Sadly it’s all part of the dammed process.
Almost four moths in and today was a bad day again for no particular reason.
In the last week I’ve started to write down all the events leading up to Venetia’s last hours . Ten days that changed my life. It’s allowing me to remember all the detail and the emotions during those days. Hope,love,fear,despair,heartbreak.
I’m finding as I write more detail comes back. It’s kind of self counselling ( still waiting for mine) and although upsetting I find it helps to get it out on paper so to speak.
My brain had locked so much of it away,which is normal.
I’m not saying your ready to do something like this,but right now with less people to talk too I find it helps.
Hope tomorrow’s a better day for you.
Xx
I write a journal every night. I tell him about my day, how i feel, ask him things, tell him i love him etc. It gets it out of my head. Not that it helps me sleep though 
I keep thinking about noting down about our last few weeks together. To keep it alive, to focus on the good, to think of all the ways we made the most of time together.
I’ve downloaded our whatsapp conversations from 2017 onwards as we did long distance for a while. These kind of things help me.
Hi all ,
It’s been 4 1/2 months since my Graham passed away 3 months since his funeral and the reality hit. Been struggling to accept he’s gone and on Sunday hit rock bottom. I got in the car with his ashes sent a text saying I didn’t want to live anymore and drove to a quiet park and just sat there for an hour sobbing . I calmed down went home and was then told my mum had passed away it was expected she had terminal cancer. I just could not take any more. Weirdly I now feel a lot calmer and stronger. I’m hoping I reached rock bottom and now things will improve. I’m having counselling which I feel is helping but have not been accepting he’s gone 
Hi
So sorry for your losses it’s hard coping with one loss.
I speak for me I think we have all had bad thoughts about not been here but like you getting through it. Next week a year for me really don’t know how I’ve coped but have counselling did help. Take each day sending love x
Goodness what a time for you. I’m sorry for your loss.
I do feel sometimes that when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up.
Good on you for messaging on here and recognising that life, although a complete shitter at the moment, is or will definitely be worth living when we all feel a little better.
I truly hope so as this is a shit storm we are all trying to survive. We continue to survive one day at a time and hope one day we will be able to cope. For now I cannot think about the future as it overwhelms me the prospect of a life without him as we were together 37 years from being 14 he was my everything . So so hard to get through.
Sending love x
You have survived and that’s an achievement 
I can’t believe I’m at 4 1/2 months as it all still feels so raw. I know I’ve not accepted he has gone and am working on that with counselling but it is so so hard. Thank you and I will continue day by day as thinking too far in advance is too scary for me x. Big hugs x
Hi
I think that is one of the worst things our future without our husbands I can’t see that yet it’s going to be hard coming out of lockdown knowing you can do things but not how it was. Like you was with Mick for 37 years they are our life. Roller coaster of emotions please take care x
Hi gang. Xx
It does come in waves.
Numbness, then overwhelming despair.
I too have had dark thoughts, but for some reason the will to live gets me through?
Why i want to continue to live this life of utter misery is a mystery, but i havent found the answer yet.
His Mum gave me a beautiful photo of him when he was in his 20s. Hes so handsome.
Its on my phone as my wallpaper.
I just need to see his face.
I have a few videos on my phone. Hearing his voice again is so comforting.
I miss him so much. He is on my mind 24 7.
I talk to him all the time.
4 months on and i feel at a complete stalemate.
I changed the bed last night.
Seeing his empty side of our bed is soul destroying.
His ashes in the toy dog are on his pillow.
I am exhausted in every aspect of the word.
Mentally, emotionally and physically.
Its the hardest time of my life.
I just need a cuddle from him.
Hear his chortle at something silly on youtube or twitter.
Sit and watch tv with him.
All things we took for granted because we didnt know it wouldnt last forever.
Stay strong gang. Xxx
Sending love, light and hope.
Hello @Bluecatmum77 . You hit the nail right on the head when you said about all the things you took for granted because you didn’t know it wouldn’t last forever. For some reason losing a partner isn’t an option in our head. Yes - we talk about it but we never expect it will ever really happen. It is always too soon and we feel unprepared.
This site gives us a glimmer of hope for the future so we have to hang in there.
Love to you all. x
Feel for you all. The thoughts and emotions are something we all share and have to try and deal with. Doing a lot of ugly crying. Will things get better, none of us know. We can’t bring them back, though that is my dearest wish. Regrets that we are unable to fulfill our plans, and just having that someone that understands you, and that you understand, and that special someone there to laugh with, talk with, moan with, plan with and hug. Somehow amongst all this pain we are continuing, though most days I don’t know how.
It is so hard, waking up in the mornings, the horrid realisation hes gone. miss not seeing his happy face.
So much crying too, seems this is all we do. The inner pain is torture.
Most days are bad thoughts jumping into my head, but I have to carry on for my son’s.
I miss him so much, miss talking, hugging him.
It’s such a struggle, one we don’t want.
Hug to you all.
Amy x
Every day is hard to get up get dressed I do this for our children and grandchildren I don’t want to be here without Tim. You are right we had talked about one of us eventually being alone but never thought it would be so soon we are 58 not retired yet.
I too have bad thoughts and literally can not think further than the day I am in it just hurts me so much a future without him in it.
I wish you all a peaceful day that is kind to you,
Julie
Hi gang. Xx
Well, what a bizzare day.
Finally got the report from the toxicologist and the Coroner.
Yes, he did have alcohol and prescriptions drugs in his system, BUT they have also listed heart disease.
Now that has completely thrown me, because I knew he had heart trouble.
Does this mean that his death was accidental?
Does this mean that his ticker has just given up?
I really dont think he ever meant to leave me by choice.
I have cuddled the toy dog with his ashes and told him i forgive him and i love him and i always will.
Not only have i lost my hubby, best friend confident, i have lost my cuddle buddy.
I loved cuddling him.
He was my big bear. He was big and bulky like a bear. With big strong arms.
For some reason he always treated me like i was made of delicate china.
I kept telling him, you dont know how tough I am. I wish he had realised that and told me all his problems.
God i miss him. He isnt here to explain is he?. Its the not knowing. I just hope and pray he is at peace.
Mental health is so important.
So keep sharing on here.
Be it a good day, or sh*t day, share.
Dont suffer in silence.
Sending love, light, hugs, and strength. Xxxx
Hi Bluecatmum77
I know what you mean. My Gary is not there to answer my questions, watch tv. together or have Saturday dinner. It’s sad but at least I know he is safe now and out of constant pain.
My husband had prescription drug in his system and he died from a blockage. No heart disease.
I was next to him at 3am in the morning in bed.
It was horrendous.
I don’t know how I am getting through this, but slowly does it and prayers are amazing.
G
@Bluecatmum77 Don’t beat yourself up here.
My wife’s death certificate reads like a bloody medical dictionary,with Covid listed last.
Any underlying condition will be picked up .
I know seeing and reading it is distressing .
But don’t “what If”yourself too much.
It the medics covering all avenues.
It’s procedure.
Take care ,
Mick xx
@Bluecatmum77
I too agree with mickup don’t focus on the what ifs that’s what I’ve been guilty of and it just sends you into a spiral and consumes you . One day at a time and keep sharing as you say is the way to go I too am taking that route through this . Sending love x
