Thank you Ann.
xx
Hi
You are never alone when you have friends on this site you can talk to. I find I can really open up and tell it like it is as I know all the people reading my post will have been in the same place I am. I thought I liked my own company as well as my husbandās. When he went away on business I was fine on my own because I always knew he would come home to me. I find it hard to process that he has gone away and itās final and I will never see or hear him again in this life. Iām sure we all feel this way, the disbelief and shock.
So when you feel the lonliness is crushing, get on this site and post something. Someone, somewhere will pick it up and reply and youāll realise you are not completely alone.
Thinking of you.
xxx
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Dear @FleurDeLis,
I remember we both lost our partners in September, i donāt think we can be strong for now when managjng the basics can be a struggleā¦ Sometimes i wonder how we are still alive when our hearts ache so much everyday, I also doubted if I was having too much self-pity but then realised itās not about me, Itās about the person I miss so much and I donāt want people to forget about himā¦
Would you be able to keep a puppy at where you are? Iād like to have this option but sadly the estate Iām moving to wonāt allow itā¦
You are not alone, pls keep posting here xxx
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Hi gang,
Its 1.16am. Wide awake. Sleep pattern is all over the place.
Spoke to my newly aquainted Mother in Law today.
Finally told her about the financial mess i am in.
She was horrified but not surprised.
Guess she knows her Son better than anyone.
She asked me why I havent told her sooner? I sais because i didnt want to upset you.
She said never mind me how are you coping. I reassured her that the Solicitor is dealing with everything.
It is becoming more of a realisation that my Husband has taken his own life.
Another huge pile of emotions to deal with.
Why didnt he just tell me?
We would have sorted it.
Yes, I would have been furious. My first marrige ended in Divorce after I discovered je was having an affair.
My 2md Marriage has ended in this truly tragic way.
He promised me he would always look after me
Im no mard arse, but vows are vows. Sickness and health. Richer for POORER.
We would have sorted it.
I think he has bailed out on me and I cant help feeling left behind to clean up the horrific mess he has left.
I know he was in a desperate situation, but i have lost my best friend because he was too flippping proud to ask for help.
Drank copious amounts the last few days.
Death certificate has arrived and inquest to be held next JUNE.
This is all becoming just too much to bear.
Xx
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Dear bluecatmum, my heart goes out to you, its bad enough to have lost your love but to have the added grief and pain of his passing and the aftermath. So sad. I too canāt sleep, my sleeping habits are all over the place. My hubby passed in June and I too am finding it unbearable. I hope your Mother in law helps you through this awful time. God bless and take care, Margarita
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Dear @Bluecatmum77 I felt devastated as I read your post. There are organisations that can help, like https://uksobs.org and https://supportaftersuicide.org.uk. The first one runs a support line between 9am and 9pm. They can help you find local support.
I understand your feeling that your husband bailed out on you, but people overspend for many reasons, sometimes because of an underlying illness. Your husband must have been in the depths of despair to commit suicide - his thinking wouldnāt have been rational and drinking a lot makes everything worse.
Once again, although I understand your fury at him, please try not to rush to judgement. He wouldnāt be the first person who has literally been hounded to death by calls from debt collection agencies. The methods some of them employ are brutal.
When I was in my 20s and living in London, I ran up credit card and bank debts that I was really struggling to repay. My mother found out - she gave me hell, but then she paid it all off and told me never to do it again. In the long term, it didnāt affect out relationship.
Thereās nothing I can say to ease your pain, but I hope you can find someone to talk to who will help, and not judge you or your husband.
Love (in the kindred spirit sense) Christie xxx
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@Bluecatmum77 I am speechless for what you are going through. Christie offers really good advice, I hope some can help.
June is so far away to have the inquest as another thing still to comeā¦
It sounds totally horrendous, no wonder you are drinkingā¦ maybe try your dr for help if you can get an appt in this godforsaken county instead because if you can get a diazepam or such it works quicker and easier maybe. I donāt know.
Hope you got some more sleep and that the cats are ok? Mine is going to the vet again today, I have 4 and they were like our children (we donāt have kids), they are all messed up since my husband died too. Hoping for a less shitty day for you than yesterday.
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Hi bluecatmum.x.are you under state pension age ? In uk ? If so you are eligible.for a.bereavement widows payout x x.x.just look.it
up.
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Hi gang,
Thank you for lovely kind words.
Iām reluctant to contact the DWP after the dispicable way I was treated when I enquired about the funeral benefit.
The woman was the rudest, most onboxious person I have ever dealt with.
I was hysterical when I came off the phone.
I am sure my Solicitor will deal with everything for me.
I found him in the garden.
My lovely garden that i have put 21 years of hard work in to.
My cats are keeping me going. I too have no children, which in a way is a blessing.
Could you imagine the terror a poor little one would have experienced?
They are acting up, but overall, general cat behaviour. Food, driving me mad with going in and out. Giving me dirty looks because its rainingā¦
I am under the GP and on medication.
I honestly dont think I would cope without it.
I will be going back to work in the New Year.
They have been amazing.
They have had a collection for me. That will help pay the shortfall on the morgage for January.
Sending love and hope.
Xxxx
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Yes I too have found the Pensions Offices somewhat unfeeling.
Told yesterday I canāt get pension credit ,so then I canāt get a grant for funeral costs because I need to on benefits before I qualify round and round we go exhausted and given up now no energy left Basically 
You ! Is all I get .
One day at a time and here I realise there are others of you in far worse situations .
Take care and just remember they canāt take what you havenāt got !
XXX
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Hi @Bluecatmum77, I know the DWP treated you very badly, but that doesnāt mean they always will. Can you try phoning them when someone is there with you to give you moral support? Claiming disability benefit is relatively straightforward though it does involve a long phone call and then a long form. So long as your GP says that your stress/anxiety/depression is likely to last longer than 6 months and is interfering with your daily life - which it clearly is - you may as well try. Citizensā Advice can really help. The money is tax free and you can still work.
I have 3 dogs, also acting up. Itās strange how animals reflect your mood. Glad that your colleagues have been good to you.
Love Christie xxx
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Hi gang.
Me again. Oh look at the time. 1.08am.
Seems to be a pattern forming hereā¦
Currently sat shouting out loud to my late Husband. Angry at him for what he has done.
Think I am losing the plot.
My 1st Husband dumped me on the beach in 2010 in Malta the day after we had flown out to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary.
Turned out he had been having an affair with a married woman.
My 2nd Husband has allegedly killed himself 6 days before my 43rd birthday after racking up 35k of debt on what I can only assume is gambling.
Feeling very very low. Feeling desperate.
Is the common denominator me?
Am I the problem?
Or am I just the generic familyās kicking stone so that the others can have a peaceful life?
Am i being selfish?
Tidal wave of emotions.
I pray to God every night for the strength to get through all this shit.
I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 months time.
I am heavily medicated by my GP, yet still feel rock bottom.
If it wasnt for my cats needing me and my family and friends I too would be calling time.
I wont do anything stupid, but my word am O feeling low tonight. Xx
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No to all of the above negatives thoughts about yourself.
Itās a fact that s*** happens in life, sadly more than once. It has to me. I could tell you a few storiesā¦
Your tidal wave of emotions is perfectly understandable in the circumstances. Please get some counselling for yourself ASAP. Call the helpline TODAY.
If your husband did run up the debts on gambling, addiction to gambling is a recognised illness for which he needed treatment. Ā£35k is a lot of money to us, but a drop in the ocean to the people who gave him credit cards/loans. I hope and believe that in time it will all be written off.
Incidentally, my husband retired a couple of years ago with a pension pot that he could self invest. The number of times he got phone calls and letters from outfits all over the world promoting unreal returns on money invested was incredible. He nearly got drawn in quite a few times, and he was a highly intelligent very skilled senior manager. Once he did get drawn in and lost Ā£10,000 more or less overnight (Bitcoin).
How do you know your husband didnāt get targeted by one or more of these sharks?
I really do feel for you and I also believe that you have the strength to get through this. I hope you are sleeping now.
And that when you wake up you will feel just a tiny bit less despair and self-blame.
Love, Christie xxx
How do you know
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Dear Mickp, This evening I was browsing thru a few stories , looking for a bit of encouragement or understanding. I came across your photo of you and your wife. It made me sad to look at it. Because I have a photo of me and my wife which is about the same (her heard leaning on my chest). That was about 10 years ago ā I never suspected that she would die within that 10 year span. (She died in November 19, 2019). I am truly sorry for your loss. I know the feelings and experience you are going thru - just wanted to share this thought with you.
Herb
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@Christie
You are so kind. Xxx
It just goes around and around in my head WHY didnt he confide in me?
WHY didnt he come to me for help?
Yes, I would have been furious, but would rather have him here with me.
My soul mate. My best friend. My lovely gentle hubby.
I am in contact with a professional bereavement counsellor. She has called me today and we have a zoom meeting booked in the new year.
I know this is going to take forever to get over.
All I want to do is sleep.
I just lie i bed waiting for sleep to get me and take me away from the endless hours of mental torment.
I know I need to get more focussed, but it is easier to lie in bed and ignore the world outside.
Just so much to deal with without the added financial pressure.
My grief is stalling because of my anger and disappointment at his most probabal suicide.
He was 52 years of age.
I am angry that he has taken this route when I peronally know people who have died in the last few months from cancer and dementia and who would have given anything for another week with their loved ones.
It is just one huge mess.
Take care gang. Xxxx
Dear bluecatmum77, I guess I made an error, I had thought that you were your husband Mick (so I thought). It doesnāt matter, I am sorry for the error - but now that I know I want say that your photo says a lot about you - I can see your grief and sorrow. I sometimes lie in bed till late in the morning just wondering what I will do next. Of course, some things have to be done - but like you I feel the loss and wonder does it get better. Well, I just wanted to tell you that - your photo brought many memories of my wife and I - as I had stated, her head was leaning on my chest in a photo we had. I have good memories of her - I wish she were still here. I know you wish the same ā so if you ever wish to write back please feel free ā please take care dear lady!
Herb (aka greencat)
Thanks Herb. So youāve just had another anniversary of the year of firsts . So itās now a year for you. They tell me once the first of everything is over it gets easier?? . First week,month,Christmas,birthday etc etc
She died with me beside her in ITU one day after my Birthday. Her last text to me wishing me a Happy Birthday before they sedated her. Images Iām trying hard to shift
Iāve been doing the going through photographs and remembering the happy times . But because of technology and taking photos on phones now and cloud storage Iāve got to find how to get 2000 plus photos off her phone onto something I can view ,keep, and print some just not like the old photo albums we all used to keep.
Thanks for the contact
I appreciate it
Mick
@Bluecatmum77. I donāt know the answer to your question, but it sounds like his mind was temporarily unbalanced. You will never know the answer to your question, you can only guess.
Maybe his parentsā reaction made him decide not to confide in you. Almost certainly he was very deeply ashamed and also furious with himself because of all the debts. Stress twists minds as we all know, in his confusion and shame, he possibly felt killing himself was the only way out.
Heād lost his parents effectively, he might have though he would also lose you.
Let your solicitor deal with the financial pressure. It is possible that a letter from a medical specialist could get the debts written off - if that medic is prepared to say that he ran up the debts because of an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder - e.g. gambling addiction, stress, bipolar disorder, etcā¦ Suicide is rarely a rational action.
Lie in bed and ignore the world outside if that helps. Until you start counselling, be very kind to yourself. Do whatever you can to ease your pain, even if it means staying in bed all day.
Thatās all I can say right now - I have to get dressed and take the dogs out into the cold wet weather,
Love & Hugs, Christie xxx
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Hi Mick, Well, yes, itās been a year since my wife died. It remains to be seen if it gets easier. I live alone and most of her things are pretty much as she left them. I did change out the couch and chair. I am trying to adjust to this new life but have to admit it is not as easy as it looks. I still think of her and the way she would do things, jokes, singing etc. With the holidays coming up I am just as lonesome now as when she died. I have actually had about 4 dreams of her - very brief I hope itās a good sign. I just want to say I am sorry for your loss, itās a pity that she died that way. How long has it been? Are you adjusting to life without her? (I feel so awkward asking all this, but I try to adjust too, but come on this site to see how others are doing).
I find myself doing the same as you, looking at and searching for photos (She was a photogenic person and of course I have the many memories we shared together. I shared a memory of us together like yours - I saw it and had to tell you we had almost the same type of photo - plus to offer you my sympathy. Take care.
Herb
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Thanks Herb,
Is it getting easier ? Not really.No yet.
I have the funeral Tuesday ( she died Nov 22nd) with all of its restrictions, no get together afterwards Covid Covid Covid haunts me to the finish.
On Friday I was allowed some time with her at the chapel of rest,but only in a sealed coffin. I was allowed to leave photographs and letters but nothing else and they assure me they will place them with her I have to trust they will. That was my goodbye the funeral as I see it is for the family.
Then Christmas and New year then maybe whatāll become of me might start to become clear and I can move closer to my remaining family and not be so isolated .
Take care
Mick