@Greencat1950. I replied to your kind message on my post about the flowers I was given, I guess you didn’t see it. I just wanted to thank you for your lovely words. I hope that you can balance out the loneliness of the holidays with thoughts of the wonderful times you shared, with the help of these photographs.
I’m planning to have my husband’s shirts made into an American quilt, stuffed with t-shirts, socks and underpants. That will be a memento of him that will be with me forever.
Hugs, Christie xxx
@Mickp. It’s such a difficult time for you. I can only say that my thoughts are with you, and will be on Tuesday. Christie xxx
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Hi Mick, Christie,
I guess I am a slow mover - should have had my life together by now — but mainly I had no idea you just lost your wife so soon. Mercy me, I should being paying more attention to the details huh?
Please once again accept my compassion for you - I know I was a bundle of nerves when my wife’s funeral took place - I was literally numbed that day. The minister let my wife’s two sons speak a word about her. Then he asked me to if I wanted to say something — I somehow regained my composure and approached the microphone and I must spoke about 10 minutes — all I could think about was my wife as I knew her. I told everyone there how I remembered her - what her favorite songs were, her favorite color, and what her plans should have been. I finished off by reading Galatians 22 and 23 from the Bible. I believe she emulated those traits in her life and the way I remembered her. In my mind, I almost felt like she was an Angel sent5 to earth to help me become a better person.,. (I believe she did) I just wanted to share that with you - as I have some rough edges in my life but I do feel she made an impact on my life.
I hope you will both be able to carry on. Once again I feel your sorrow Best wishes!!!
Herb (aka greencat)
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Hi Christie, Somehow, I seemed to have missed the message - but I do remember it - perhaps I forgot the details -(My fault). So if you do make a quilt of your husband’s ;t-shirts, etc. - it should be a real sense of comfort on those cold nights with his personal items close to you. That is what I would call “originality” I have somehow been in contact with Mick as well, I wrote back to him about my wife’s funeral. I feel my wife gave me courage and strength to to be a better person. She always told me to be a little better each day — I hope I did that for her - but on the day of her funeral, I felt I stood like a rock in telling my guests what I remembered about her and how I saw it in my mind. If you don’t mind, when did you lose your mate? What was he like?
Herb (aka greencat)
Hi gang,
Sending love and light.
Have had a busy weekend rearranging the garden so it looks completely different.
I couldnt have done it without my amazing Sister and Brother-in-Law
Busy yesterday and today with Drs, food shop and dropping paperwork off at Solicitors.
Trying to keep myself busy, the moment I stop, BANG, FLASHBACKS.
Almost takes my breath away.
Then the flood of emotions and terror come back.
My anti depressants have been increased and without them, i honestly dont think i would be able to get out of bed and function.
I feel as though I am on the outside looking in at myself.
Has this really happened to me?
Is it a bad dream?
Has he really gone for good?
Then somewhere in my foggy brain a little voice says yes.
The overwhelming realisation kicks in and back to square one.
I just need Christmas and New Year out of the way now.
Take care.xxx
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Can relate to Christmas and New Year
Fast forward please yo ho NO NoNo
My husband died on 25 Nov after a short illness. I also am struggling to cope too. My brother lives in France and he says the French say that you have to ‘empty your sack’ . By that I think it means pour out all your emotions until there are non left. Do not bottle up your feelings but allow them to rise up and overwhelm. Eventually your sack will empty. There is a life beyound , a different life but a new life.
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You’ll find as I did this site will help,today I said goodbye to my wife at the crematorium I have had much support from people on this site and realise I’m not alone. Pour out your feelings here your not alone x
@Mickp I hope you are as well as you can hope for after the funeral yesterday. I think I went through Karen’s funeral in a numb daze, it is only afterwards you realise what you have done.
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@Bluecatmum77 I so feel for you. I am exactly the same. Jim died just before 8am on a Tuesday - yesterday was 4 months ago - and at that time I always feel desperate. I cry, I pray, I rant. I’ve joined an online group on Way Up that meets on Zoom, during that I smile and joke. I talk to friends on the phone, we laugh together. But always behind the smiling face there is pain that is overwhelming at times.
The only difference is, I don’t believe that Jim has gone forever. I can feel his spirit at times, he will always be in my heart and my soul, and I believe we will meet again when I die, whenever that is.
That’s very comforting. I know some people don’t believe in an afterlife, but I do.
I’ll spend Christmas alone and probably New Year as well, quietly at home with my dogs and the memories that are all around me. I’ll talk to friends on the phone, I might drop in on the Way Up group that is Zooming for 11 hours a day over the holiday period, I’ve got a couple of good books to read and along with the comfort I get from feeling Jim’s spirit (I know, to many that sounds crazy) I will be fine.
I think that these flashbacks are simply part of the grieving process. I will probably feel a wave of sadness every Tuesday morning for the rest of my life but in time it will diminish and I hope that the counselling I’m having will help me to deal with the regrets I have.
We are all on the same tortuous journey.
I can only send you my love as a fellow traveller as we remain alone with our overwhelming sadness whilst the rest of the country is having a party.
Christie xxx
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Yes it’s the morning after and going over and over the events of yesterday. Everyone said it was a beautiful ceremony But last night I realised I hadn’t spoken to her cousin before we were asked to leave so mortified I had to ring her. I was as you say in a daze
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@Christie @mickp and everyone else. X
The day after the funeral is just bonkers.
You think to yourself, have I really just gone through that? Then Reach for the whisky or gin.
Walking behind his coffin was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
The service was beautiful.
Leaving him for the last time, until we meet again.
I found the added pressure of the track and trace list made it even worse.
Having to select people to pay their respects?
No mourners allowed outside the crem??
I know things will settle.
Just sat in the garage waiting for the car to be serviced.
Young girl walking around with tinsel in her hair.
Can hear people laughing at chatting.
Life does go on.
BUT I want to wear a huge badge that says
MY HUSBAND HAS JUST DIED.
I want sympathy. I want people to know that i am having a terrible time.
I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but thats how I feel.
Having a rant on here with you all does help.
Each day is that little bit closer to getting used to the different way of life that faces us all.
There are going to be many difficult days ahead, but I will keep checking in. Xx
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@Mickp it is a big thing done… so many things to choose and decide leading up to the funeral. Of course there are more but under less time pressure hopefully. No wonder you were in a daze. I hope you can take it a bit easy on yourself and try to rest a bit today. The day after is also a shock I think.
@Bluecatmum77 I want one of those badges. I told the vet (though maybe it was relevant as my house normally was so routine and peaceful with just me and my husband and now the cats all had a lot of upset in addition to not having the one who fed/treated them most) when we were having to stand in the pouring rain in the carpark due to covid restrictions . Yes I am a totally self-absorbed numpty for 58 days and counting. Maybe that should be the introduction if we ever all meet in person at some AA type group (though I don’t think the rest of you are self-absorbed as it sounds like you all do useful things).
Yesterday I went to the pub for the first time for a softdrink/brunch for an hour with a friend and I even arrived early as I wanted to tell the waitress to start with too and ask her to give no mention of the C word to my table since my husband is dead and will still be at Christmas but it got taken away from me when i got in a massive rage about several things and so had to ask other stuff instead (I later calmed down and had a pleasant time with my friend for an hour). It feels like why are they all carrying on like normal with festive lunches and crackers when this massive earth-shattering thing has happened. A bit like that song I remember. Will find it and put in the songs thread later
"I wake-up in the morning, and I wonder
Why everything’s the same as it was
I can’t understand, no, I can’t understand
How life goes on the way it does
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world?
It ended when you said, “Good-bye”
Keep breathing xx
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I too love the idea of a badge. Maybe an idea for @Priscilla? Sue Ryder could sell them for say £5 donation, a large black badge with silver letting saying ‘Recently Bereaved’ then in smaller letters ‘please be kind to me’ with the Sue Ryder logo somewhere.
I would definitely wear one.
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@Greencat1950 September 15th 2020. He was the most wonderful man in the world - as your wife was the most wonderful woman.
Christie xxx
I lost my husband of 49 years on 19 October 2020 to cancer and I too am finding it difficult to get through each day. I am trying to focus on the good times we had and have been looking at photos of us on holidays. I have been obsessed with looking for short videos we took.kust to hear his voice again. My best frien and sister-in-law passed away in September to Covid and her husband,y brother died on February. Add to that I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, iin March it has been the worst year of my life.
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OMG @Tricoa, what a year you’ve had. I thought 2020 was the worst year of my life, but it pales in comparison with what you’ve been through.
I too am trying to focus on the happy times we had, so many over the years. I’d love to hear his voice again - I will find it somewhere in our vast store of photos, tapes and videos.
You’ve simply had too much at once. There’s nothing I can say, except you are incredibly brave to have endured all that.
Do you mind me asking what cancer you had? I was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian in 2009 and given a 20% chance of survival. However, here I am, 11 years later, with no recurrence. It’s one of these cancers that can come back 20 or more years later, but I have an excellent oncologist and treatment is improving all the time.
Please send me a Personal Message if you prefer - click the blue rectangle on that appears when you click on my name.
I feel that, on this site, we are all sisters and brothers on the same dreadful journey, so I’m sending love in the kindred spirit sense. We are all here for each other and I hope as a community we can give you a little help.
Christie xxx
Hi Christie
I have stage 4 ovarian cancer. I declined an operation as I was nursing my husband and couldn’t leave him. I have a scan on Xmas Eve to see if an operation is viable as it was borderline in August. Glad to hear you have survived this dreadful disease, it is encouraging. Thanks for responding.
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dear mi9ck, This message comes to a bit late , but as I have been following your messages - let me once again send my sorrow for your loss. Please take take care and be able to carry on .
Herb (aka greencat)
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dear Tritcoa , do not give up hope – I know hos it feels to lose a lost one, Do not not hope because that’s all we have left. Don’t give up – I lost a wife and i do not not have to move on without her Please contact me for more details I know how it feel to lose a loved one. Write to me soon.
Herb (aka green cat)